Feeling alone and insane.

[Mangopr1]

Hi all

I've just been through my 2nd miscarriage in 6 months.

I am beyond devastated and I feel so lonely. All of my friends have children already and so does my partner (from a previous relationship).

I absolutely adore my partners children but it breaks my heart even more when I see him interacting with them. He is wonderful and supportive and has been my absolute rock but it really is killing me to know he already has what I'm so desperate for with him.

I know it's my own head over thinking things and being ridiculous but I just feel so rubbish in myself. I've gone through so many feelings of just utterly despising myself as if I'm embarrassed that I don't seem to be able to do this one thing that should be natural to a woman. I just feel so ashamed of myself and inferior.

I know 2 is not a lot in comparison to what some people go through but my mother had around 7 miscarriages in total and even a still birth. I'd never allow myself to believe I could have the same trouble as her but I'm tearing myself apart thinking this is the start of it now.

It's brought up so many feelings of insecurity to do with my partner. Like my head is telling me he couldn't possibly love me as much as his ex because she's given him his children and I can't. (He in no way has fed this thought and he couldn't possibly do anything more to try and make me feel loved).

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I listen to the thoughts in my head and realise I sound like an absolute nut job but it just goes on over and over.

[StaplesCorner]

I can't give any very helpful advice but just to say I am so sorry for the babies you lost and someone else will be along with more sensible stuff in a minute. Hugs and to you.

[GuildedLily]

I'm so sorry for your losses.

You aren't losing your mind you are in deep grief and it feels like that sometimes.

I found when I had my first miscarriage, I was extremely upset, but assumed it was a one off. When I had my second, I had the same terrible grief but also terrible worries about what it meant for me in the future which was a second terrible burden to bear.

I found having someone outside my family and friends did help a bit. I used the miscarriage support threads on Mnet a lot, and I had some specialist counselling also. (If you are in the London area I would recommend City Pregnancy counselling which do miscarriage counselling free and you can refer yourself through their website).

[Mangopr1]

Thank you both.

I've been confiding a lot in my dad. He's amazing and loves me so much. He's also been through this of course with my mum and knows the feeling of being so uncertain of your future.

I just keep thinking can I live without ever having a child? The answer is no. It may sound dramatic but I'd honestly rather not live if that was my future.

Everyone around me has been so supportive but it's like my head won't allow me to think logically. My dad has even said he will GIVE me the money for IVF if it came to that though he thinks it's stupid I've even looked into it after such little time. It is stupid. I just feel like I need to know what's going to happen. If someone said 'its going to happen x more amount of times but eventually it will work' I could deal with it.

As for my panicking about his ex. I know full well I'm being stupid. They split up years ago (it was serious they were together for 10 years) and are amicable but only ever speak when it's about the kids. She's perfectly nice to me. I know they had a lot of problems. Even his family have told me how much happier he is now with me. He brings me flowers or something equally as nice every time he has to go to a parents evening or school play with her because he knows how hard it must be for me. He honestly couldn't do more to make me think I'm the one and I believed it before all this. Now my head's just telling me how could he possibly. Especially if I'm never able to share a child with him. How could ever possibly be as close. I'm doing it to myself now just writing this.

I don't live in London or anywhere near unfortunately but the hospital have given me a number for a counselling service. Perhaps I should call. I'm trying to keep all this crazy in so my partner doesn't think I'm a complete loon :) so perhaps speaking to someone completely outside of my situation just to get everything out would be good.

Thank you so much for your words and support xx

[TinyPaws]

Sorry for your losses and sorry you're feeling like this. I think contacting the counselling service is an excellent idea.

It's normal to be grieving at this stage, grief coupled with anxieties about never having children in the future must be very very hard.

[LittleladyL]

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this and for your losses.

I too have been having the dark, insecure thoughts since my miscarriage, but I'm slowly beginning to see a chink of light. I'm hoping that once the hormones settle down and a bit more time passes these thoughts will fade.

I know there are no guarantees regarding fertility and that is so, so painful when all you want is a baby, but I'm trying really hard to push the bad thoughts out of my head and think positively about the future, because that's all we can do to control this sad, unfair situation.

I know it may be too early for you to think about it yet, but the docs in hospital told me to dust myself off and keep on trying (in a gentler way obviously). Until I go through menopause, or am told I absolutely can't have children, I think this is the mindset I have to adopt. (Soon, I'm not totally there yet).

Sending you hugs

xx

[flumpybear]

I've had a lot too but have two fab children now!
I'd say tho go see your doctor as it may be a familial problem if your mum had the same, there 'may' be a simple solution but needing some expert to see
Good luck