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Brown spotting after D&C, how long for?

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KnitKitty Thu 05-Apr-18 19:33:34

I had a D&C for MMC last week on Tuesday. Bled for 3 or 4 days and then have had brown spotting since then.

Every time I think it's stopping, it starts again. I didn't have any on Sunday (or hardly any), didn't put a pad in the next day and then made a mess of my underwear. I'll go for almost a whole day with nothing and then a bit more will appear.

How long did yours last for?

I was told not to have sex until bleeding has stopped as there is a risk of infection - I'm assuming that includes this brown spotting, even though it's intermittent?

I found out I was pregnant on February 18th, and was roughly 4-5 weeks along. Started bleeding on and off a few days later, but that stopped after about 2 weeks and then I found out about the MMC on the 7th March and it's been a long, drawn out journey which I am just sick to the back teeth of now. I want my body and life back to normal.

RedRobin7 Thu 05-Apr-18 19:54:46

Hi @KnitKitty
I had the surgery last Monday so today is day 11 of bleeding. I had heavy red bleeding the first day and possibly the second but it went brown by the Wednesday. I keep having red clots every couple of days but Monday just gone I didn't bleed all day! I actually decided to wear a pad on Tuesday just in case (my period often pretends to finish too!) and as expected the brown bleeding came back. Today was my first full day back at work and to my horror the day started with more red clots 😢 I'm so sick of it! HR told me not to come back yet but I'm spending hours lost in my own thoughts just going over the last two weeks in my head. We found out at the 12 week scan that I'd had a MMC. We'd heard the heartbeat at 8 weeks. I keep replaying it all in my head so I just wanted to get back to work.

I phoned the EPU to ask if it's normal to have the brown bleeding still and the occasional red clots. The brown bleeding is normal and can go on until your period starts... apparently... but they're concerned about the clots still happening. I've got to do a pregnancy test on Monday and if it's still saying positive (it was yesterday) then I have to go for a scan on Tuesday. Really hoping for that test to be negative. Never thought I'd say that!

As for sex, i think you need to wait until the brown blood has gone completely. I can't even think about having sex right now. I feel too disgusting for that and now I'm worried about how I'm going to get back into the right frame of mind to a) have sex again and b) start trying again!

KnitKitty Thu 05-Apr-18 20:46:34

Oh RedRobin7 I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I hope you do get a BFN and that the clotting stops.

I'm going to test again on Tuesday or Wednesday (I haven't done so far). And I'm both looking forward to the BFN so I can move on and dreading it because it's going to feel really weird and horrible having that finality.

I'm back at work too. It's actually helped me keep my mind off it for a few hours.

I'm glad you're keeping in touch with EPU about the bleeding. I think mine sounds bog standard, I'm just sick of it.

I don't feel sexy either but I'm missing the intimacy. With one thing and another my partner and I haven't done the deed since February.

I think I feel ready to TTC again, and my partner says he's keen to as well. But I had a bit of a blip yesterday thinking how weird it'll be when/if I get another BFP with a different baby.

It's an emotional roller coaster that you can't get off, isn't it?

RedRobin7 Thu 05-Apr-18 21:03:03

I realised after I posted that I never said I am sorry for your loss too. It's such a traumatic experience to go through and nobody deserves this pain.

The EPU near me seems to always have the same lady answering and she was the lady who explained everything when I couldn't decide what the best option was, so I'm pleased I've been able to talk to the same person. Fingers crossed for us both that we get that negative. You're right, it's very weird taking a test under different circumstances.

We haven't had sex since we found out I was pregnant in January. My husband thought it was weird to have sex whilst pregnant. I missed the intimacy too. Now I just feel like a fat blob and I'm ridiculously hairy on my stomach as a result of my pregnancy hormones. I feel sorry for my husband! I definitely want to try again soon but I'm so scared that it's going to happen all over again and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to go through it all again so soon. We have booked a holiday so at least we have that to take our mind off things.

It's definitely an emotional rollercoaster. I cried so much over the last two weeks. I had a panic attack on Sunday. Today I felt anxious at work and now I feel like I just can't cry any more and feel numb. I feel like my husband is already over it. Maybe he's not as men deal with things differently but I have to keep asking for a cuddle and reminding him that he needs to look after me!

KnitKitty Thu 05-Apr-18 21:51:50

@RedRobin7
Oh I've had a hairy tummy too! I thought it was from coming off the pill, but thinking about it I only noticed it really when I was pregnant. I'll see if it keeps growing this month.

Actually, I thought I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms other than slight period-type cramping. But now I realise my appetite had increased massively without me noticing and I was drinking, peeing and sleeping for England. I think the symptoms must have crept up on me slowly. But they've all stopped again so I think HCG has probably gone. I guess that's good.

I feel like I'm doing ok with the emotions most of the time. I was in so much shock when I got my BFP that I couldn't get my head around being pregnant in the first place. Then I started bleeding so I didn't let myself get excited about it. Although the bleeding stopped again, I was waiting for a 4th early scan to check on progress and I guess I just was expecting things to go wrong, when they told me the foetus had stopped growing I was really upset, but not surprised.
If I'd got excited about the pregnancy straight away or if things had run along smoothly up until I found out about the MMC I think I would be feeling a lot worse.

Then sometimes I feel bad for not being more upset!

I have had a couple of major wobbles though. About a week ago a good friend announced her 2nd pregnancy on Facebook. She's due when I would have been and that really hit me hard.

Your emotions and anxiety are totally understandable. Make sure you get help if you need to, but it might just be a case of time being a healer. A holiday should help. smile I think men don't show how their feeling on the inside as much, or find it easier to distract themselves from their emotions.

RedRobin7 Fri 06-Apr-18 07:36:26

@KnitKitty
Not sure if this is weird but it's nice to wake up seeing a new notification. I have bad dreams every night and having someone talking to me when I wake up makes me feel like I'm not alone. I have my husband obviously but I just don't think he understands.

You may find it was the pregnancy hormones causing the hair. I've always been fairly hairy due to having PCOS but this is even worse than usual! Gross!

Everyone deals with things different and it's totally okay if you're not as sad as you might have expected to be. I was desperate to start a family and the thought of waiting at least another year until I have a baby in my arms, best case scenario, is so hard for me to accept.

I have a whole range of people around me... several pregnant friends and family, friends having several miscarriages and friends with infertility so I guess right now I'm sat in the middle of the scale. I feel sad and jealous I'm not in the pregnant group but I feel I don't deserve to be as sad as I am because it's not my second or third miscarriage and we managed to conceive in the first place.

You seem like such a lovely person and I really hope it works out for you next time. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? 😊

Timewaitsfornowoman Fri 06-Apr-18 10:31:57

Hi both,

I had a D&C for a MMC in early March. I think every reaction is normal - try and allow yourself to just feel what you feel. Nearly a month on and I still have a little cry every day but I feel I'm getting there. It's so hard when you're still bleeding though. 💐

I had brown spotting for about 10 days-ish. I thought I got a negative result on a pregnancy test shortly after that and started trying but I tested again recently and can spot a very faint positive. Going to wait it out and go back to the EPU if the line doesn't get stronger.

Look after yourselves.

KnitKitty Fri 06-Apr-18 18:03:14

RedRobin7, I know what you mean, it is nice to have messages to read from other people going through the same thing.

I'm 30 btw and trying for my first, how old are you?

It is hard when you know others who are pregnant or have had more than one child with no problems. Pretty much every mum at my work place is younger than me and got pregnant by accident!

Hi Timewaitsfornowoman, sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I'm now on day 10 of spotting post surgery, so hoping it stops now!

Could you be pregnant again?? Surely if you got a negative before... But bodies do strange things, don't they. I expect you don' want to get your hopes up. Are you late for your period? Do you have any pregnancy symptoms? Did your previous pregnancy symptoms go away completely after your miscarriage and before you started trying again? I hope for you that this is a new little sticky-bean. I would contact your EPU regardless of whether the test gets darker or not anyway, just to see what they suggest.

Jessabean Fri 06-Apr-18 19:03:28

Hi @KnitKitty

So sorry for your situation thanks

Hope you don't mind me jumping in - I was just reading your guys messages and seems I'm in a really similar place at the moment. Had my surgical management for mmc on the 26th so am now 11 days post surgery & have also still got on and off brown discharge - is driving me mad! Just want it to stop now so I can at least feel somewhat like I'm moving forward from it. Is so frustrating! I also got ballsy and did a cheap 25 hcg level urine pregnancy test last night hoping for a negative and was still a faint positive 🙁 👎
Still was only faint so hoping on Monday when I test again will be negative.
@Timewaitsfornowoman & RedRobin7 I'm so sorry for your losses toothanks@Timewaitsfornowoman you could definitely potentially be pregnant again- I fell pregnant straight after my last miscarriage without a period (ovulated ~2.5 weeks after I passed the pregnancy though that was a natural miscarriage at 8 weeks so not sure how long it can take to ovulate if things are later/hormones are higher).

Am also 29/going on 30 and TTC no.1 Am at that stage where all my friends colleagues family are having their first babies so am surrounded by pregnant people and new mums. Can be really hard sometimes but we will get there!

Do you mind me asking how long are you all planning on waiting before TTC again? Definitely waiting at least 1 cycle (haven't had a period for 5 months now!) but I feel so conflicted as to whether I should let my body heal/try to improve overall health for a bit (not that bad but not that great either in terms of general fitness & diet!) or to make the most of this supposed 'more fertile better outcome' period. Also part of me that just wants to be pregnant & have hope again but is also petrified of another loss 🙁 this really is just an emotional rollercoaster!
XxxX

RedRobin7 Fri 06-Apr-18 19:36:48

@Timewaitsfornowoman So sorry you've been through all this too. I really hope that faint positive is because you've conceived. Fingers crossed for you.

@KnitKitty I'm also 29 going on 30 and this was supposed to be our first baby 😢 I saw a specialist many years ago who told me not to wait until I'm 30 to start trying because of my PCOS. I keep thinking of this now because I'm 30 in September. We couldn't have tried before now, it just wouldn't have been possible for us. I'm so scared we may never get there. People keep reminding me it's only my first loss but it could happen again.

My HR lady informed me this week that my company have a counselling service that I can phone any time and request face to face or phone counselling. I wasn't sure I wanted to do it but I was brave and gave them a call. They've signed me up for phone counselling so just waiting for my first one. Not sure where to even begin. It's not just about the miscarriage, there's so much more to it. Also the lady I spoke to referred to me as a Mum and that really touched me. Nobody else would even consider that.

@Jessabean So sorry you are in the same boat. It's strange how we are all around the same age. Maybe we even live near each other! I'm from
Berkshire.

My surgery was also on 26th. My brown bleeding is much lighter today but not going to assume it's stopping as I had a whole day of no bleeding on Monday. No red clots since yesterday. Today I've had some twinges which I thought might be ovulation pain as sometimes I feel it but now I've felt it on both sides tonight so no idea what this is!

In answer to your question... I hope we might start trying end of May/early June depending on when my first period decides to show. So that could give me one or two cycles first. I'm also so desperate to be a Mum that I want to start TTC again but I'm worried about how I'll cope if this happens again. Hopefully the counselling can address this.

KnitKitty Fri 06-Apr-18 21:10:36

Hi Jessabean, welcome to our little group, but sorry it's in such sad circumstances.

If I understood correctly, this is your second miscarriage? I'm so sorry.
If you got pregnant straight away after the first one I can imagine you might want a little break from TTC for a month or two at least? You must be exhausted and emotionally drained. I read somewhere that you're more fertile in the 6 months after a miscarriage, so I'm sure it won't matter if you give yourself a little break for a while. The right bean will stick when it's ready.

A faint positive is probably a good sign in a way - I imagine if you had higher levels of HCG the line would be stronger? It's probably just still leaving your system. My EPU told me to test in 2 or 3 weeks. I'm going to test on Tuesday - 2 weeks after my surgery and if there's still a line I'll test again a week later. I think it can take a few weeks for it to continue going down, depending how far along you were or how high the HCG levels had got.

My surgery was on the 27th, a day after both of yours, but then I am a year older than both of you, so that's fitting. wink

I think I'm going to try to wait until after I've had a proper visit from AF before trying again, however once I've stopped bleeding my partner and I will definitely want to have sex again and we won't be using protection, so whatever happens, happens. I have already told myself that I won't be symptom spotting or testing until I'm definitely more than late, because I know AF can take a few weeks to get back to normal and there's no point getting my hopes up unnecessarily. Part of me is pretty terrified about getting pregnant again though. It's just been one long journey of anxiety and worry since I got my positive on the 18th Feb for me.

I'll be trying to eat well and exercise a bit more too... I lost my mojo a bit when I was pregnant, I was just too tired and hungry all the time so I ended up asleep during my spare time and eating anything under my nose.

RedRobin7, I had a similar comment from a gynae consultant years ago. I have endometriosis, one ovary (because I had one removed with a cyst) and a didelphic uterus (I had two wombs stuck together and had to have one removed as it was causing me major issues). My consultant told me not to wait too long to have babies (I was 21 at the time). That has been playing on my mind every so often, but hey - look at us, we both got pregnant! That's amazing, isn't it? And if we can do it once, we can do it again with sticky beans. smile I don't think we're past it. And yes, it might be harder for us both to conceive, but like I said, we've already done it once!

That's great about the counselling service, I'm so glad you're getting help. It might be useful to just make a list of things you want to discuss and then decide which one to start with. You'll probably find conversation leads on to the other issues from there.

I'm not nearby I'm afraid. I live in Derbyshire.

RedRobin7 Sat 07-Apr-18 09:01:06

@KnitKitty You're right, it is amazing we managed to get pregnant at all. Now I fear that it may never happen again. We got pregnant on the 6th attempt so I know it wasn't as long as some people try for but every month that goes by negative is going to be hard.

Good advice about writing down what I want to talk about. I usually think things through in my head and then when it comes to it I never remember what I want to say or it all comes out wrong.

I was awake between 3-4am this morning with some slight pains. I thought last night it might have been ovulation pains but now I've felt it on both sides and I'm not sure what it is. When I do feel ovulation it can be very painful but never lingers this long or on both sides. Will keep an eye on it. I did a cheap pregnancy test and an ovulation test this morning - both have faint lines but the ovulation one is darker. I guess it means nothing as my body doesn't know what it's doing at the moment. Will just have to be patient to do the digital one on Monday.

I feel so low this morning. I just keep having bad dreams and then I wake up anxious with a tight chest and fast heartbeat. I don't want to keep feeling like this any more 😢

Going to get my hair cut today so that will be a nice treat but I hate sitting in front of the mirror for an hour! I cut my long hair for charity a couple of years ago and it took forever to get long again but thanks to my pregnancy hormones it suddenly grew very quickly. Now people keep mentioning how long my hair has got and that makes me sad too.

Jessabean Sat 07-Apr-18 13:59:33

Thank you both for your reply's.
It is strange that we are all around the same age. Unfortunately not that close geographically though- I live & work in Aberdeen! Though am from Hampshire/Surrey area originally.

Yes unfortunately this is my second miscarriage- fell pregnant initially in November after trying for about 4 months, miscarried just before New Years at 8 weeks pregnant (baby was 6 weeks), fell pregnant 2 weeks later only to find out at my 12 week dating scan the other week that baby had stopped at 9.5 weeks. So will definitely be leaving it at least one cycle as I haven't had a period in 5 months now! I was kind of thinking the same that I might try May-June time. I think preferably was hoping to wait two cycles and try in June but my husband works offshore on & off a lot & is due to go away for best part of 2 months from early June. Don't think I could deal with waiting 4 months to TTC again so will probably try in May if my body and cycles allow it. If I'm being honest with myself though I am emotionally drained and not that alright at the moment. But to be honest I don't think I will be completely ok again until I have a successful pregnancy & whenever I get pregnant again I will be just as much of a nervous wreck! Think I'm just going to have to pretend to myself that I'm not really pregnant until if things are ok after my dating scan but I know I thought that last time & it all changed as soon as I got that BFP in reality. It is just an emotional rollercoaster that will have to ride I think if I want to get there.

@RedRobin7** I've had similar pains over the last week. Had rung EPU on Monday as had been quite intense at times. They reassured me that is likely uterus moving back into usual place & is quite normal unless I'm passing lots of fresh blood or have signs of infection. Could maybe be the same though 🤞 for you it is ovulation & your body is getting back on track!

I'm so sorry you are both having to go through this after it sounds like you both been through so much in the past with all this stuff. Life can be so cruel at times. As you say though you've both proven physically you can get there already & absolutely no reason you can't with a sticky bean next time.

Recently I've been feeling angry with myself for not having started our family earlier (which is silly I know as we are still young really)- have always known I wanted a family (had to have genetic counseling for haemophillia when I was 14 which luckily I'm not a carrier for but made me think about poss of not having children a lot) & me & my husband have been together since we were 16 but likewise our careers and situations practically just never really made it a possibility until now. I guess it is the difficulty all our generation face unfortunately in the expectation to balance careers and families.

@RedRobin7** it is so good that you have been brave enough to contact the counseling service. The EPU here gave me the details & I've been thinking about it a lot but have been too chicken to call. I hope it helps you- let me know how it goes!

Have been out with friends this morning many of whom are pregnant- one was just a couple of weeks ahead of me. Was dreading it but was surprisingly not too bad. Still do find it hard how people want to just brush over what I've been through as though it never happened. I know why & that they mean well but does add to the emotional burden of it all at times. Just going to try & keep busy this weekend though to take my mind off it!

@RedRobin7** I hope you have a nice pampering session getting your hair cut. I did the same on Monday & was nice- did make me feel a bit better... like fresh start new hair!

XxX

KnitKitty Sat 07-Apr-18 20:35:14

Jessabean please don't feel angry with yourself for having waited for the right time to have kids. There's no guarantee that this wouldn't have happened if you were younger either.

I recovered from several years of bad depression when I was younger and the road to climbing out of depression has really given me some good tools for dealing with horrible situations; one thing I learned was that there is absolutely no point regretting things. All it does is make you feel worse in the present moment. You can't change the past, you can't change things you have no control over. It's best to just accept the situation you're in at the time and see how you're going to move on in a positive way from where you are now.
Equally, there's no point trying to live in the future in your head either, wondering if this or that will happen and worrying about different outcomes. This just makes you anxious about things that may never happen and ruins the here and now. All you can do is your best with what you've got in this moment in time and let whatever happens, happen and deal with it then and there.

I am aware, however, that what I've just said is much easier said than done. It literally took me years and all my mental effort to stop worrying about the past and future and to drown out that negative voice chattering away at me. But if you can stop yourself thinking negatively about the choices you made in the past (with good reasons!) then try to replace them with a positive thought or two. I literally stuck post-its up all over my bedroom with positive thoughts on to read every time I caught myself being negative.

RedRobin7 bad dreams are horrible to experience. It's your brain trying to make sense of what's happening to you. I kept having dreams about miscarriage before I knew for sure my little pea had stopped growing.

Sorry you guys have been getting pains. I haven't really had any other than a slight twinge the other day. It's the same twinge I usually get the day after my period finishes (I guess my ovary doing something?)
I'm still spotting on day 11. Sick of wearing a sanitary pad!!

It's a month today since I was told I'd had a MMC.

I've been wondering about taking a pregnancy test tomorrow morning in case I feel emotional seeing a BFN, because I'm not at work tomorrow so can have a grieving day. Otherwise I could test on Wednesday, when I'm next off, but I'm getting a bit impatient. I don't know what to do.

Jessabean, if you work up the courage to call the number they gave you, I'd just start by saying you've been feeling too chicken to call and take it from there. They're probably used to people being anxious about phoning them. It would be good for you to talk to someone though; as you said, people seem to sweep it under the carpet a bit, don't they? Talking to someone who doesn't do that will be cathartic.

I don't think I could hang out with someone a couple of weeks further along than me right now, well done. You're a strong lady. A friend of mine announced her pregnancy on Facebook last week and she's due around the time I would have been. I spent a good couple of hours in tears after that. Luckily she doesn't live in this country, I don't think I could handle seeing her right now.

KnitKitty Sat 07-Apr-18 20:42:21

P.S.

I've been wondering about finding a way to commemorate little pea. Have you guys thought about doing anything for yours?

I have the positive tests I took still, and I requested a scan picture the day I found out about the miscarriage. I was (more than) half expecting bad news, so when I went in I said I'd be wanting a picture regardless of whether if was good or bad news. You can't see much on the scan - just a blob, but I'm glad I have something to look at. And I got a couple of cards from family members when I lost the pregnancy. I was wondering about putting these things in a little decorated box so I can get it out if I feel like I need to sit and remember him/her. I would decorate the box myself... I like crafts and I do paint wooden boxes sometimes. I might knit a little teddy or something too.

sad

Ugh, it's a difficult evening tonight guys, really feeling it.

Laney79 Sat 07-Apr-18 21:20:18

I've just ordered a necklace with a tiny silver bean on it as my memory. Although I'm still waiting to physically lose my bean (MMC) xxx

RedRobin7 Sat 07-Apr-18 22:16:47

@KnitKitty I'm also having a difficult evening but I'm now quite drunk. It's been a while since I've had this much to drink but it's helped. Won't think that in the morning though!

I also had bad depression when I was younger (15 years ago) and I did have counselling at the time but I don't think I was mature enough to take on board what my counsellor said. I hope this time around I will connect with my counsellor and I'll get more from it.

I was also having dreams about bleeding before I knew about the MMC so I now try to analyse those dreams but that's not going to help anything. Maybe my body was trying to warn me or maybe I was just more anxious than I realised. The mind is a powerful tool.

@Jessabean When I first called the number I was given through work, I literally said "I don't know what I should say but I think I need to talk". They then took over and now I'm signed up for 6 sessions.

@KnitKitty @Laney79 I've also been trying to think of something. I've been looking at necklaces but not found anything in the UK that I've liked. I have a tattoo so thought maybe I'd get another - possibly a blue and pink butterfly because we never knew the sex of our baby. I always thought I'd never want to find out the sex at the 20 week scan - my husband was adamant that we should find out. I've changed my opinion since the miscarriage because I wish we did know this baby's gender. I think if we get pregnant again I'll happily find out the gender and I'd probably have an early private scan to find out. It's so hard not knowing if the baby we lost was a boy or a girl. I think that would help in some ways.

RedRobin7 Sat 07-Apr-18 22:17:20

Oops I don't know why some of that is in bold!

Jessabean Sat 07-Apr-18 22:51:41

Thanks *@KnitKitty*. You're right I think I probably could do with the counseling just to talk things through with someone who will listen without feeling awkward,worried for me or the need to brush over or put a positive spin on things etc. Think I will give them a call on Monday.

You're experience & advice for dealing with emotions is really helpful thank you. I've never really been someone to deal with emotions if I'm being honest... I'm classically a kind of Burt it deep, rationalize & don't let anyone see me cry kind of person but feel like everything recently has just released he flood gates- quite literally in terms of the tears!

Know how you feel about the Facebook announcement. I've had to step away from social media at the moment as literally feels like there's one on there every other day & was not helping me feel more positive. Was difficult today but I do really value the my friendships with this group & know if I shut myself away from them I'd miss out & regret it in the long run. I just have to accept they're not a source I can go to for support with this stuff as none of them have been through it. Am also just starting to realise that to avoid anything pregnancy & child rearing related really is generally impossible- like last Monday went to get my hair & nails done to cheer myself up- was put next to a woman with a newborn baby in the hair salon, then went to get my nails done & first thing I get asked in polite conversation is if I have children. Then went home & turned on tv hoping for distraction & almost every channel had someone pregnant/with small children in it! 🙈 Will just have to find ways of coping.

I think having something to remember them by & look back on is a lovely idea & does help. I've been quite lucky with my experience up here this time around as the EPU have a cremation service so we are able to take home our babies ashes. We're planning of having our own private little ceremony or something then. Hoping that will help. I've got my scan pictures- @KnitKitty I also asked for a picture at my 12 week scan too. My first miscarriage I was too afraid to ask and really regretted it- they did give me a print out of the scan report though (wasn't at my local EPU) and have cherished that instead- felt like is only proof I had that they existed. I bought a pretty wooden box online the other day and have put my pictures and report in there. Wondered whether to get a necklace made of the ashes too but need to speak to my OH to see what they think. I think he would rather just scatter them or bury them with a pretty plant or something - my main fear is I really do not have very green fingers & would be horrific if the plant died as well!

@RedRobin7 glad you have the sessions lined up. I hope they are useful- planning on calling the number I was given Monday to see what they say.

@Laney79 sorry you are going through this as well. thanks that necklace sounds like a lovely idea though.

Jessabean Sat 07-Apr-18 22:52:20

And I've managed to do the whole bold thing as well @RedRobin7 !🙈

KnitKitty Sun 08-Apr-18 08:13:00

RedRobin7 Hope you don't feel too hung-over today! I'm glad you managed to relax a bit last night though!

I didn't find counselling helpful when I was younger either, but I was so closed off they didn't even manage break down my defence mechanisms to get me to talk about what the real problem was deep down. A few years later I saw a psychotherapist through a trial the Job Centre were doing to help people on Incapacity Benefit get back in to work and that was a different ball game. With him he made me write a list of everything that was wrong (physical too) and choose one to start with. I had chronic urticaria at the time, just constant itching for over two years, and was taking antihistamines every day for it which didn't completely help and made me really drowsy. I said I was fed up of it and wanted to get rid of that. He did some kind of exercise with me where I had to do certain breathing and movements and say certain phrases to bring my mind in to my body (no idea what technique it was, may have been related to hypnosis) and out of nowhere I burst in to tears! I never normally cry in front of anyone apart from family. I suddenly felt/understood that my body was telling me something. I realised I'd never properly grieved having my ovary removed, and losing half of my eggs felt like losing potential children. I never got to say goodbye to my ovary and I never knew what had happened to it (I guess it was studied and then incinerated). He explained we hold memories and feelings in different parts of our bodies and sometimes our heads have a problem connecting to those feelings. Yoga and things like that can be really beneficial mentally for this reason. (So goes the theory, but I fully believe it after what I experienced). He also gave me a list of symptoms of stress, and lo and behold one of those was urticaria which I had no clue was a stress symptom and with all my GP visits this was never once mentioned even though they new I was suffering with depression and anxiety! So he taught me the TAPS routine, which helps stop panic attacks and anxiety. A few months later the urticaria magically vanished. I know now that whenever I'm itchy I need to sit back and listen to my body because I'm feeling stressed about something (even if my brain hasn't caught on to that fact).

Jessabean you're right, we can't avoid other people's pregnancies or children. And of course you shouldn't avoid your friendship circle because of it either, but I think I would find it really hard, so well done for being so strong. I generally haven't had too much of a problem with pregnant ladies or children and babies, it was this one announcement because she's due when I would have been that really hit me hard. I'm already thinking of ways to cope when her baby arrives because it will feel really weird seeing what I could have had if everything had gone to plan. I'm sure time is a healer in this case though; I don't want to be resentful.

RedRobin7 Laney79 Jessabean I really like your ideas for remembering your little ones. Jessa is that just standard procedure in Scotland with the ashes? I had the same thought about planting something and what if it dies. Also, I live in a rented house, not my forever home yet, so i don't know where I'd plant something, but I did think of planting a memorial sweet pea, because I've been calling my little one Pea.

I caved this morning and did a pregnancy test. It still came up with a strong 2nd line so I guess I still have a fair bit of HCG in my system. I'll test again next week. Feeling a bit pants though because I thought I was coming to the end of all this. I suppose this means AF won't visit this month unless I have a really short cycle once the pregnancy hormones go, and I'm not known for short cycles. I didn't feel like I had many pregnancy symptoms when I was pregnant (no sickness or food aversions or smells), but I have felt like I'm a lot less tired and my appetite has decreased so I was going by that thinking that the HCG had probably gone. Sigh. So I had no inkling I was pregnant when I tested in February, and now I have no inkling I'm not pregnant!

I just wish this was over.

Halfgirlhalfbiscuit Sun 08-Apr-18 09:06:03

Hello ladies, hope you don't mind me jumping in but I'd just come on here to ask exactly the same question and at least now I'm feeling like I'm good company!

I had erpc (after 4 weeks of waiting for natural MC) on 26th March so I'm now 13 days past. So fed up of the brown spotting, the whole thing just seems to go on and on doesn't it?

I felt an artificial adrenaline high the day after surgery and had very little bleeding so thought it was over (!!), then crashed and it's been brown spotting and positive pregnancy tests ever since. I went early with the tests at 7 days, tried again this morning and there was still a faint line. My spotting had got really light but, although still brown, were small clots last night.

I just really want it to be over. We went through IVF fet for this bfp and with that whole process it's been waiting and waiting..we haven't had sex since January and it would be nice to get close again, and start to ttc. I guess I need to wait for first AF...at first I was hoping to catch ovulation pre that (keep reading about people getting pregnant before having the first AF post surgery) but how would you know if it's ovulation or you've retained (and I hate this phrase) products of conception?

Anyway to make those about to hit 30 feel better, I'm 43 and this was my first pregnancy so I'm wishing I'd started at your age. Wishing all of us best of luck with TTC after this is all over x

Halfgirlhalfbiscuit Sun 08-Apr-18 09:17:05

Also, liking your ideas about remembering the baby. We lost at between 6-7 weeks so didn't know gender...though I felt all along she was a girl.

I've been thinking about getting a necklace or bracelet with the birthstone, she would've been due in October. I haven't said anything to my partner, he's been amazing all the way through but I don't think he viewed the baby as a baby in the way I do. He has said things about how she never really lived (we never saw a heartbeat).

I've just recently looked at the scan, we were only given one to take to A&E in case of problems while waiting to MC, but I'm so glad we have it... that's my baby in the picture. Anyway, I might let him know today that I'm thinking of getting something, I'm sure he'll understand.

RedRobin7 Sun 08-Apr-18 10:10:31

@KnitKitty Surprisingly I don't have a hangover and the alcohol helped me sleep until 6am. I've not yet managed to get out of bed yet though. Been reading my book and hiding from the world.

It's interesting what you say about stress causing the itching. That does sound horrendous and I'm glad the therapy helped. I've got terrible acne and feel so sorry for my husband having to wake up to this face every day but I hope to talk about that in my counselling too. Nothing will get rid of it but maybe the stress I've had over the years makes it worse. I think it's my PCOS that causes it though.

@Halfgirlhalfbiscuit I'm so sorry you've been through this too but you're definitely not alone. The 26th March seems to be the common date on this thread. I'm also sick of seeing the brown blood and feel it's making it harder to deal with everything that's happened.

I love the necklace idea. My baby would have been due in September, same month I'm going to be 30. It's really going to be a difficult month and I'm not at all going to enjoy my birthday. Even if we manage to fall pregnant by then I'm still going to be an anxious mess!

I guess I can say I was lucky to hear the baby's heart beating and get several pictures from the scan. At the same time this also makes it harder knowing that the baby was alive one minute and then the heart stopped without me knowing. My husband is just like yours - he told me that he didn't see it as a baby but just something that would become a baby. It's so much harder for us women because we had already formed a bond and had hopes and dreams for our little babies. I know my husband understands that I'm grieving but I don't feel like I can talk to him properly about it. When I told him I'm scared to try again in case the same thing happens he just laughed. It's really not a stupid fear to have but I don't know why he can't see that. I just ignored him as I don't have the energy to start an argument.

I'm also sorry if it's hard for you listening to us worry at 29/30. We will all get there eventually, we just have to have a little hope. Even though right now that seems impossible.

KnitKitty Sun 08-Apr-18 10:19:14

Hi Halfgirlhalfbiscuit, welcome and sorry for your loss. I can imagine it's been especially hard since it was an IVF baby. Was the IVF just because of your age? I'm assuming you can technically also get pregnant naturally if you're hoping to catch ovulation soon? I hope for you that you can conceive naturally for the next one and that it happens soon. You are supposed to be more fertile after a miscarriage, so I hope this is the case for you!

I like the idea of something with the birthstone. I would also have been due in October.

I think for men it is a different experience losing a baby so early on. Because their partner hasn't started showing yet and there's not much to see on the scans I think they can rationalise it more easily. Also because they're not the one with it in their body so they don't deal with all the pregnancy side of it to remind them of it every moment of the day. My partner was upset but didn't cry or anything and seems to have bounced back quickly. I'm not sure how much is/was him being strong for me because I was going through so much invasive treatment and being emotional.

I'm sure your partner will understand you wanting something to commemorate your little one.

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