MMC - two and a half weeks on and scan tomorrow. Petrified

[Laney79]

I just need to put this down in words.

I'm so scared. I was so excited to be pregnant after the initial fear had worn off and then my world came tumbling down at my private scan. I should've been almost 9 weeks-but baby measured around 5 and no heartbeat. Usual refer to EPAU and another scan that told me exactly the same and 95% certain it's an MMC.

That was 19/3. So for the past two and a half weeks I've been stuck in this circle of hell, knowing my bean is dead, desperately hoping my body would let go, then feeling so much guilt for feeling that way, only to be let down everytime I go to the loo.

I feel like such a failure. I couldn't keep bean safe, I can't miscarry properly, I can't stop thinking about it, torturong myself, making it harder for My other half. I hate myself.

And then on top of all of that there's the fear. The unadulterated primal fear. I'm medic phobic - it took years to even walk into a GP surgery without full on panic attack. I came up with coping strategies for pregnancy (elective section, numbing cream for bloods, no internals etc) -knowing that as hard as I'd find it is have something wonderful that would make it all worthwhile.

Now I'm stuck in a hellish process, I've had to have internal scans (never even had a smear and I'm 38) and will have to do it again-knowing I have no choice, no control and I feel so vulnerable and violated.

I have to go back tomorrow but I know I haven't bled enough-so my choices are horrible. I live in limbo for god knows how long hoping my despicable body does what it's supposed to, but no idea when. I take the pills but I'm petrified of that process, and having to spend more time at the hospital and what it might do to my future fertility...and I'm scared I'll put myself through it and it won't work properly. And then surgery which is just such an abhorrent thought to me with my phobia (and my fears of what might go wrong) I can't even contemplate it. It's just not an option.

I just want it to be over. I just want to be able to move on.

[RedRobin7]

Hi @Laney79

Firstly, seems like people don't comment much on the threads in the miscarriage section and this is the place we need the most support. I was ignored the other day so I had to comment on your post so you don't feel alone.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have just had a similar experience. I found out on 20th Jan I was pregnant, we went for an 8 week private scan and the baby was measuring 6w5days but I was told not to panic as sometimes babies develop slowly and there was a heartbeat so it would probably all be okay. I was so worried but everyone around me said I was just being pessimistic. We made it to the 12 week scan (two weeks ago today) without any bleeding so I stupidly thought maybe everything would be okay... but no, we were told at the scan the baby probably stopped developing a week after that first scan and there was no longer a heartbeat. This meant my baby had died possibly 3 weeks beforehand and my body was not doing what it should.

I hate the idea of hospitals and I didn't want people to be removing my baby, it just didn't seem right. I also have really bad acne and didn't want to go into hospital with no make up on. I didn't want to wait any longer though since my body already hadn't worked out what to do on its own. I also worried about flushing my baby down the toilet. There's no right or wrong option, they're all just horrendous.

I decided on the surgical management because I just wanted the quickest outcome so that I could start to grieve properly. The hospital agreed I could wear foundation and that my husband could stay in my room so I'd see him before and after. Knowing he was there helped me so much. I was so upset and couldn't stop shaking right up until the point the anaesthetic kicked in. When I woke up I only had normal type period pains with a pad between my legs. It was all very discreet and they really looked after me. What also comforted me was that they explained they would arrange a cremation once they'd checked to see if there was any reason for the miscarriage. It's so hard to hear but for me it was a nicer thought than the toilet. The op went well, I was home by midday and the pain only lasted a day. I'm still bleeding 8 days on but most of the time it isn't heavy so I hope it's going to stop soon.

It's up to you what option you go for but I wanted you to know that I felt relief that the operation was quick and not too painful and probably the least traumatic of them all once I'd got over the hospital side of it. The staff all know why you are there and will look after you. This is just my personal opinion so feel free to ignore it.

Thinking of you xx

[KnitKitty]

Laney79

My condolences, I'm truly sorry you're going through this.

I totally understand the emotions you're going through, but do try to be kind to yourself. I know it feels like your body is letting you down by not letting the pregnancy go. I felt the same. I had two failed attempts at medical management for a missed miscarriage and ended up having the surgery, because it just wouldn't let go. But I tried to think that my body was just trying its best to be as nurturing as possible and not give up. It is doing the right thing by taking its time letting go, but unfortunately it just prolongs the emotional part of the loss for us, and that's why we need a little help sometimes.

I also completely understand feeling guilty about just wishing your body would get rid of the pregnancy; I felt the same. You're not rejecting your baby though, but knowing that it's no longer living or growing is an understandable reason for wishing it would leave your body so you can grieve properly and start to heal emotionally.

Miscarriage is unfortunately very common, especially early on; it's nothing you've done wrong. You did everything right, your body is working properly as it should, it's just a very horrible fact that pregnancy is a very complicated process and I was told 1 in 4 ends in miscarriage. It's not your fault.

I'm afraid I can't relate to the medic phobia and can't really offer any useful advise, it must be horrible, I'm sorry. It is normal to feel nervous or afraid to some extent about hospitals and treatments, but when that fear becomes more unbearable it must be really hard. The only thing I will say is try to find some support for it, because there must be help out there more specific to your phobia. Are the hospital aware of your phobia? Have you ever had counselling or psychotherapy or anything?

RedRobin7 I'm so sorry you feel you were ignored, especially at this difficult time. Like you said, the miscarriage section is probably where people need replies of support the most, but I don't think it is posted on as much; I think people just come here mainly when they want to reach out for support themselves. Sorry again that you felt alone at this horrible time. You're not alone. Sorry for your loss.

I agree with RedRobin7, the surgery was also less traumatic in many ways than waiting to see if things would happen on their own or doing the medical management which didn't work for me but gave me horrible side-effects.

and hugs to both of you.

[Laney79]

Thankyou @KnitKitty and @RedRobin7

It's just such an awful situation. I never even realised that missed miscarriage was a thing until I fell pregnant (joined an FB group and one of the women who was further along had one) I assumed if you miscarried early on your body would tell you.

The waiting is so hard mentally. I know bean is gone but waiting for the physical process is torture. That said with my medical phobia, my age, and the fact we desperately want to try again I'm not sure I have any other option. Surgery is out both because of my phobia and the potential for harm, I don't want to take the pills because they prob will make me stay at the hospital to do it, it only works 80% of the time and I'm worried what all those chemicals will do to me.

But then I'm not sure I have the mental strength to carry on the way I'm going. I've been having discharge/very light bleeding for over two weeks now but it's not even enough to warrant any more than a panty liner.

How much longer is this hell going to last.

[KnitKitty]

Do you think you could try complementary therapies?

Some people find alternative therapies help. I'm not sure if that would trigger your fear of medical things, but most therapies are not invasive, are therapeutic and relaxing and have the potential to help (if only by relaxing you a bit more).

[OrangeHorses]

So sorry for your loss 

I have had this happen to me too (very similar actually, expecting to be 10 weeks and was 5.) Like you I was desperate for my body to start the process off itself but it never did. I had the medical management and maybe I can reassure you a bit there. When I had them I was allowed to go home. (Just to warm you though I didn't swallow them, the first lot were put by my cervix by a nurse. The second set I had to swallow something like 4 hours later.) However I know hospitals do it differently.

Also to reassure you about how it may affect future pregnancies. I got pregnant again two months after the medical management of my miscarriage. The pregnancy was fine with no major complications. My daughter is now just turning 1.

Good luck with everything x

[Laney79]

Thankyou all.

Scan today showed my little bean was still just 3mm, and was intact in his sac. So confirmation that it is a MMC.

So I've decided as I am having some spotting, to give my body a little more time in the hope it does it itself. If not I'll be having the pills 2 weeks today. Part of the reason is that we go on holiday on 31st may and I'd like to think we are in the clear to try again then.

I feel devastated, even though I knew that would be the case. I just have to hope my body let's go itself now.

I just want to be able to grieve knowing bean has gone and that I can then try and move on. Going to get a piece of jewellery to help me remember my little test pilot.

[K0013]

Hope you are doing ok Laney, I’m so so sorry for your loss xx