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Any mothers out there without children?

(17 Posts)
CBrown80 Tue 13-Mar-18 16:20:32

I am 37 and lost my 1st baby a week after she was born due to a bad intenstines infection, back in Sept 16. Gave birth to her when I was just 28 weeks pregnant. Got 2 friends in their early 40s without any children but they are trying like mad. I also have another friend who already has a 3 year old boy but she lost her second baby about a year ago. Now she is due in a couple of weeks with her 3rd baby. I always kind of thought she is lucky that she has a child already and she was always occupied by caring for 1st son and possibly she wasnt drowning in sorrow just like I was with no other children or things to occupy my mind. She is really happy she is pregnant again and I am for her, but I really dont feel comfortable with the whole situation. And I am a bit jealous. It would bring me and my husband so much happiness if we had another baby. We have been trying for our second almost straight after we lost our 1st (I was hoping if I get pregnant again my baby daughter will come back to me which might sound silly to some of you).I dont feel anyone out there is in the same situation as me. I feel lonely. No one said to me happy mother's day. On TV for the last couple of weeks I was bombarded by ads regarding mothers day but no mention of mothers without children. I am sure a story of a bereaved mom could be incorporated in there even if it did cause awkwardness to people who havent experienced what I have. Are you a mother without a baby? Can you tell me your story? X

Onceuponatimethen Tue 13-Mar-18 16:23:35

I am so sorry for your loss and would definitely say of course you are a mother, one who has sadly lost her child.

I had an early pregnancy loss and can’t imagind how much more devastating it is to lose a baby the age of yours.

I think you are right that it would be good to acknowledge as mothers those living without their children. Maybe you should suggest it to the BBC?


CBrown80 Tue 13-Mar-18 16:32:57

I have complained on Boots FB page (it was their ad that annoyed me). Although there were lots of other companies that I could have contacted but grief and everything that annoys me will never stop sad.

DBoo Tue 13-Mar-18 16:47:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son was stillborn and I have had a first trimester mmc and a second trimester mmc. No live children. I hate that noone calls me a mother. Some of my friend even say 'when you're a mam' it turns my stomache. People really have no idea. I feel a bit like you, I don't want to replace my son. I am fearful of what I will feel like when I finally have one because DPS family never mention him and it will infuriate me if they fawn over a live baby. I understand it really but I know I will still feel like that. Even on his birthday, no mention. It's heartbreaking. Mother's Day hit me like a train this year and my son was born in 2015. A year ago today I found out I had lost my next pregnancy after him at 14 weeks and 2 days. A scan 10 days earlier was completely fine. You have to have walked these shoes to understand.

CBrown80 Tue 13-Mar-18 17:15:56

DBoo you must be such a strong person. I dont think I could deal with what you have dealt with so far. I am only around because my husband would get devastated if he would lose me too. There are times I get frustrated, angry and upset and keep telling myself I dont want any more children, one was enough. If I ever get pregnant again I think I will be one of those paranoid always worrying mothers. Yes its hard for people to understand who havent experienced what we had. Just a simple word like morning sickness or anything I see around me that relates to pregnancy infuriates me and makes me cry too sad.

DBoo Tue 13-Mar-18 17:37:11

It's still early days. Have you had any outside support? Ive had a couple a lot of counselling and go to a sands support group. I don't know about strong but if I want a baby I have to keep on going or it will never happen. Hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. You know what, another pregnancy will be worrying but i just tell myself that being a parent must always be a worry so it is good practice. Doesn't make it any easier mind.

DBoo Tue 13-Mar-18 17:39:54

I also used to feel like I wouldn't care if I died. I've never felt suicidal but after loosing my son I am a bit blasé about death but I try and take that as a positive too as I used to be petrified of dieing. I had an instance once where I was in the car and I really felt like I had no control over my arms and like they wanted to swerve me off the road at 70mph. I got the bus that day and it was probably the day I realised I really needed help and wasn't out of the woods yet. I used to think that a lot but that was the only time I ever worried I was capable of you get me. Counselling helped loads just having someone to talk about my son with because in real life I know people aren't interested or find it awkward or whatever.

CBrown80 Tue 13-Mar-18 18:08:32

I spoke to the bereavement midwives a few times and they were lovely when I went to see them, but they havent been extremely quick getting back to me when I email them (have waited a reply for months sometimes) so I felt like begging for their help and support so I will not continue seeing them. I cant cope with the idea of going to SANDS meetings at the mo. Knowing that I would meet more people with similar experiences fills me with even more sadness. I feel more comfortable sharing my story and reading other people's stories on my computer. I will ask my GP if they can refer me for councelling. I have been trying to familiarise my self with death by reading and watching documentaries. I want to understand all about the place where my daughter is. Would like to know if she knows who I am, if she can see me, if she is sad not being with me and her dad...Had some incidents at the past that made me think we exist even after death but never had a strong indeniable proof.

DBoo Tue 13-Mar-18 19:26:09

Are you employed? I was able to access counselling through my work and my dp can access it through my work too so if your work doesn't offer it it is worth seeing if your DPS does.

Did you bury your daughter or cremate her? I found tending my sons grave therapeutic and a way of feeling close to him.

Sands groups are scary when you haven't been but honestly they are so so supportive and it is very comforting being around people who I can guarantee have felt the same way you do at some point. It is the best support I have had on the 2.5 years since it happened.

If you don't feel like a group they have a help line and forums too maybe they would be worth a look?

Onceuponatimethen Tue 13-Mar-18 19:28:55

Tommy’s midwife support line are very good at supporting for pregnancy loss - they told me it is one of their most common calls. I think it might be worth calling them for some support.

CBrown80 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:15:31

I went back to work 5 months into my maternity leave. Had to find a new job though. Couldnt face going back to my old job. I am still working and it helps but as soon as I leave work life gets back to being sad and worthless. I go to the cemetery often and take photos of her grave. It helps me remember how many times i visited her, since we didnt manage to spent much time together when she was here. Midwifes and doctors had to take her away when she was born because she was so premature and then she was in the incubator. How long did it take you to feel stronger? A few days ago passed the year and half mark since her death and I still feel empty, panicky and cry even though I am on antidepressants.

DBoo Tue 13-Mar-18 20:56:24

I don't know if I feel stronger I just aren't as emotionally affected now.

I still think of him every single day. I still wish he was here every single day but I guess I have kind of accepted it. My son was going to be born with a very serious physical disability and I think that has made it easier for me to accept in some ways and not in others. When I picture him he is running around normal but I know that wouldn't have been the case.

I used to torture myself with choices we made things we didn't do and so on but going to sands has made me realise everyone is different and we felt like we did the right thing at the time.

I never held my son. He was brought to me in a basket. He was frail as he had been passed some time and it just never crossed my mind. I stroked his face and that was it. I didn't even kiss him. He was with me for all of about 10 minutes. I didn't look at the part of him that was his disability. He had a beautiful face though and that's how I remember him. I was overwhelmed by how beautiful he was. Of all the things I felt and thought about him when I was pregnant I never imagined I would be so shocked by his beauty. Amazing.

I try to focus on the good parts. I really think talking to people who have been through the same is a good way to move forward and I'm happy to keep talking.

Do you take things to her grave?

Have you been TTC long?

CBrown80 Tue 13-Mar-18 21:50:05

We were told as well that she would be severely disabled. She had a massive bleed in her brain and the part that controls the movement of the body would possibly be affected.

I remember a few hours before the nurse comes and wakes me up to tell me things arent going well with my little one, I was looking at the monitor and some of her readings were too high but I thought since the nurses werent saying anything everything should be fine. I so regret that! I should have said something!

She has some fake white roses and some Vivid Art garden ornaments (a deer, a bunny and a dog) to keep her company.

Have you buried him or have you cremated him?

We started trying almost straight after she passed away. I am currently following a fertility treatment. This is my 3rd month on Clomid. I have PCOS and even though we were extremely lucky with my little one and I conceived on the same month we started trying, it is proving really hard to get pregnant second time again.

DBoo Tue 13-Mar-18 22:08:39

You're TTC journey probably adds to your sadness a lot. It's so tough. Fingers crossed a bfp comes your way soon.

The graveside ornaments sound lovely. We have a resin Peter rabbit on ours which has dealt well with the weather and I love it.

That's really sad about your daughter. It's a lot to cope with having known that before she got poorly and passed. I think I would definitely give counselling a try it sounds like there is a lot to work through.

Miami81 Fri 16-Mar-18 17:19:47

Hi there @CBrown80
Just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby girl at 27 wks in sept 2017, she was our third pregnancy and we still don't have a living baby.
I second @DBoo on counselling/Sands etc. We see a lady from sands for a befriending thing around once a month at the moment, which allows us both the opportunity and time to say some stuff out loud. I have also accessed counselling through my work and my husbands work.
I know the anxiety of going to a group and hearing other people's very sad stories, but actually once you get there the intense feeling of support and understanding is great.
I am also part of the babyloss community on instagram and Twitter where sometimes it just helps to see what other people are going through.
Always here for a chat.

CBrown80 Fri 16-Mar-18 21:47:05

I cant begin to imagine how you feel Miami81! Thank you for your support. Will try and attend at some point but dont feel ready yet. Are you still trying? I suppose you were looked after more after your loss at your 1st pregnancy. Thats what I was told. If I get pregnant again I would have to attend more sppointments at the hospital which is fine. Really hope you will have everything you wish flowers

Miami81 Sat 17-Mar-18 10:29:49

We aren't trying at the moment. I have had a barage of tests. We have asked for the special placenta clinic in Manchester to review our dd's post mortem, just in case there is something they can identify that our local hospital couldn't. I am waiting on an MRI and potentially a hysteroscopy to determine if I have a uterine septum, if there is one that will be operated on. So it could be September before we can try again. Which breaks my heart every day. I will be 37 in a few months time and it all is just such a long time. We started trying when I was 34 (we didn't get together until a few years before) and to just feel like we remain in limbo just with more and more heartache is so hard. Someone asked me if I felt it would have been easier if my dd had been a 3rd miscarriage (it was my counsellor who was trying to drill down into how I was feeling) and straight away I knew the answer was no. She is my shining light, she got to 27 wks, she was perfect, even in all the pain I would never wish her away. If anything her existence has made me more determined then ever to have a living baby. She will always be my first born. She made me a mom.
Support in a future pregnancy is pretty much anything we want. Extra scans, Doppler scans of blood flow, one consultant throughout.
Would you want to join the sands forum? It's online and there are loads of lovely people on there (sadly) but if you aren't ready for a group yet it may signpost you to some helpful stuff or just give you somewhere safe to say the things in your head!

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