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When to give up?

(27 Posts)
LimpLettice Wed 14-Feb-18 10:25:37

I am currently going through my 2nd miscarriage (plus a chemical in between) since last July. I have a DD who is 8 and am now 40. DD is from a former relationship and my DP is only 33. We get married in May, and have been trying for almost a year.

This bfp was good and strong, and early, with good line progression until some bleeding at 5+4. Scan showed growth but HCG stopped increasing and I have started spotting in the last 24 hours. I am just waiting for the main event now and worried it will happen in work.

We are struggling massively with this. Unable to believe lightening has struck 3 times, it is ruining the run up to the wedding, and the slow start to the m/c has dragged on for 2 weeks of flipping between hope and horror. I am going between being utterly desolate and screamingly angry, much more than before.

In the meantime, we need to think about when to give up. I have wanted another child since DD was born, and have always hated exdp for not being able to stay faithful long enough for me to have a second. DP desperately wants a child, and I so want to know how it feels to have a family with someone who can be a decent, caring father. I am now at the point of despairing that it will ever happen, maybe I am just too old at 40, and how many times can we go through this before I crack? I truly am grateful for my DD, but this is so intrusive and consuming, and I have a real fear of her coping with so much alone later in life as she has no siblings or cousins. We know we need to take some time to come to terms with this, but the clock is ticking and I have no idea what to do now. I don't know what I am asking really, maybe for success stories or a way to let this go.

Nataliemith Wed 14-Feb-18 11:21:37

I am so sorry Limp I have also had a miscarriage and it's absolutely shit so I can emphasise with how devastating 3 must be. I don't know what to say to you except please don't give up yet.
I know it's hard to think ahead right now as you are in the midst of this hell, but moving forward when you are ready, will your doctor be doing any tests etc. to find the cause of the mcs?. I wish you so so much good wishes for the future.

LimpLettice Wed 14-Feb-18 11:36:44

Thank you Natalie. I really don't know where to go from here. I actually got my bfp the day after a fertility referral by my GP, so I will need to go back and see him I think. I just feel like maybe this is inevitable and I am putting myself through all this over and over. DP is in bits, we want it so much, but am I being mad to want to keep trying?

Nataliemith Wed 14-Feb-18 11:49:37

No you aren't mad to keep trying Limp. The desire, urge, need whatever it is is so strong to have a child that to give up is unimaginable.
I would love to say to give yourself a break but then I would worry about your age so all I would say is keep going until it's no longer within your control. I would probably contact the GP to make them aware of this mc and to push the referral so it comes quicker for you as it can be a simple thing as taking aspirin or progesterone for your next pregnancy but you won't know until the tests have been done etc.

Snowydaysarehere Wed 14-Feb-18 11:53:03

Sorry you are having a bad time ttc. Over 40 and thinning of the uterine lining is an issue. Do some research op, lots of good info on Google. I had ds at 43 but no luck ttc at 44+(3 chemicals and a mmc at 8 weeks). I have accepted its over for me at 46.

LimpLettice Wed 14-Feb-18 12:18:17

How did you decide it was done, Snowy? It really doesn't help that DP is younger and doesn't have a child of his own - the urge is very strong for me, but for him too, so knowing when to admit defeat seems extremely difficult.

Prog was at 47 last Monday which my consultant said was excellent, but I have heard baby aspirin can help. As for the thinning lining, not something I had considered. I assume that is something which can be scanned for and nothing can be done?

Snowydaysarehere Wed 14-Feb-18 16:18:46

My gp was very to the point and told me at my age there was zero chance of having another.
I was 44 when she said that. No support at all, did bloods which were all looking good the nurse said but mcc anyway. Passed a perfect tiny foetus which was just cruel.
Just weaned myself off the idea I guess.

Seagullslanding Wed 14-Feb-18 16:30:14

Hi Limp. I would like to echo what Natalie has said.

I had 3 miscarriages before my Dd1, I was 42 when she was born. I had a further 2 miscarriages and I then had Dd2 at 45

The EPU advised me to push my GP for blood tests before I saw the fertility consultant. It can make the process a bit quicker. It also helps the desire to be in control. Although my blood tests were all fine, I was advised to take the aspirin and I also took progesterone suppositories.

Before my 2nd I also saw an acupuncturist.

For me, whilst I could still fall pregnant I was determined to keep trying.

I had to just accept that the older we are, the harder it is to fall pregnant and to maintain a pregnancy.

The fact that you have had good results is promising. Only you know how far you can
Go emotionally.

I found that not focussing too hard and trying not to get obsessed made falling pregnant easier. I focussed my attention on dieting.

Good luck.

LimpLettice Wed 14-Feb-18 16:40:53

Seagulls that's helpful, thank you. I have a full bloods order sitting in my car from prior to this bfp, so I'll ring and see if I can still use it when this is all done.

Ttc has been pretty horrific through all this, that's true. So hard not to get caught up in it especially when it feels like I'm on a countdown.

Chattette1 Thu 15-Feb-18 11:13:57

I'm sorry OP. I've gone through two MC s recently TTC #1 and it's pretty bad. In your situation I would go to the GP and get all the bloods done. If you can I'd pay to see a private consultant who is a specialist in this and get advice/ treatment. I wouldn't stop trying unless you thought the possibility of another loss was going to seriously damage your mental health or your relationship. Good luck to you.

LimpLettice Thu 15-Feb-18 16:24:24

Thank you Chattette. I will get ahead start on the bloods once next weeks scan is done and I know everything is complete. It is so, so shattering, and there will come a point where I know I just cannot do it anymore. I guess I need some hope that whatever is causing this can be fixed.

SingaVera Mon 19-Feb-18 18:12:43

Hi @limpLettice!
I remember you from the Oct bus!
I'm so sorry to see you here... I just had some bad news today of a likely missed MC (8 weeks tomorrow) and am now trying to deal with the emotions.
I'm 41 and this was my first pregnancy... I am super worried that I won't have any successful ones due to the age.
I can't really answer your question (yet) but just wanted to let you know I feel with you flowers

PericardiumOne Tue 20-Feb-18 13:58:30

In a way, you know when you know. For me, the deadline I had in my head was when I turned 44. Most of the time I'm ok with it but some days it still hurts.

LimpLettice Tue 20-Feb-18 19:50:17

Vera I remember you too, I'm so sorry you're joining me here. Mine took 2 weeks from first spotting / pain, with proper bleeding from Friday night. TMI but I think I passed the sac intact, I did examine it but not too closely.

Back on Friday to check it's all gone. My second tv scan showed one Fallopian tube swollen or filled with fluid, which is worrying me for future ttc, but I'm going to ask if they can still see that before I panic.

It's been such a drain, I'm still bleeding heavily, and going from this time it'll work to it's all gone has broken our hearts. At the moment all I can think about is trying again, so I'm clearly not there yet, although it's tinged with a lot of hopelessness right now.

Itscurtainsforyou Tue 20-Feb-18 19:56:39

Hello op - so sorry. I had 3 early miscarriages plus a later loss and it doesn't get any easier.

In your shoes I'd get a referral to a recurrent miscarriage clinic. They will look at medical history and do bloods specifically for miscarriages (blood disorders etc). When you next get pregnant they may also offer things such as baby aspirin, metformin, hcg injections (I had all of these plus clexane for a blood clotting disorder).

Good luck

LimpLettice Tue 20-Feb-18 20:04:48

Thank you Curtains. I'm sorry to hear you've had so much loss. It sucks that we have to suffer repeatedly before getting any help, much as I appreciate resources are tight. As soon as this follow up scan is done I'm going to make a gp appointment as I really think 2 and the chemical suggest something is wrong.

Itscurtainsforyou Tue 20-Feb-18 20:21:27

I don't know where you're based, but the Manchester clinic will see you after 2 miscarriages if you're over 35 http://www.cmft.nhs.uk/saint-marys/our-services/gynaecology/recurrent-miscarriage

LimpLettice Tue 20-Feb-18 20:41:24

Rather far from Manchester. But my gp said pre this miscarriage that the chemical counts here, so it would be 3 anyway I think.

SingaVera Fri 23-Feb-18 13:05:20

@Limp, thinking of you today x

How did your checkup go?

LimpLettice Fri 23-Feb-18 15:15:08

Hi Vera. It was pretty horrid. Hcg still quite strong but uterus achingly empty, so miscarriage is complete. Unforch they left me in a waiting room full of pregnant women for 45 minutes which was awful.

They've written in my notes to the gp to do immediate referral to recurrent miscarriage clinic.

SingaVera Fri 23-Feb-18 15:25:47

I'm so sorry! I really think that hospitals need a more sensitive way of dealing with our situations rather than the way it is handled now. When I went for my scan last Monday, I was sitting in a tiny EPU waiting room with 3 others whilst right next to us, only separated by a thin curtain, a couple received bad news on their pregnancy. The poor lady was sitting there sobbing for everyone to hear. sad

I'm glad they support you with an immediate referral.

Hopefully you will soon be able to move on from this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that with the referral and all you will soon be able to fulfil your dream of an addition to your little family xxx

LimpLettice Fri 23-Feb-18 16:24:46

Thank you. Are you any further on with your situation? I hope you're feeling ok.

SingaVera Sun 25-Feb-18 19:19:17

I have my second scan tomorrow. My head is in the right place and I am prepared for tomorrow’s news (not expecting anything to have changed from last week as I have zero symptoms left). But I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that my body didn’t actually start let alone complete then mc. I have no spotting or cramping and it just makes me feel like my body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to - on any level... neither being able to grow a baby nor to let go when it needs to. I’m mortified about the OP but I don’t see any way around it.

LimpLettice Tue 27-Feb-18 16:21:27

Sorry Singa I am having a hell of a week but I meant to ask how your scan went and how you are feeling?

It took over 2 weeks for my miscarriage to start from an initial tiny bit of spotting, and the was all over fairly rapidly.

jimijack Tue 27-Feb-18 16:34:35

Hi.
Your question regarding when to give up is a good one.
We gave up when I was 42 and was experiencing my 7th miscarriage.
It was by far the worst so far, I was very unwell emotionally and physically.

I just said "enough". I couldn't do it any more.
About 10 years of infertility and loss in total.

I just didn't feel well after that last miscarriage, I felt I wasn't recovering. The bleeding had stopped, the pain was gone but I felt intensely unwell.
I decided I must have some "retained products" of miscarriage. I took myself to epau. (They knew me well!)
And there on the screen was a perfect tiny 7 week baby.
He was born just before I turned 43. Perfect and amazing.

I gave up all hope, we both did. We were told by 're occurring miscarriage clinic experts that they didn't know why it kept happening but it would continue, egg quality, age, statistics all against us.

Lightning did indeed strike, wonderful lightning for us at last.

You will know in your heart when it's time.

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