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Help angry sad and over eating

(8 Posts)
Greymoon2016 Tue 06-Feb-18 19:41:14

Nearly 6 weeks ago I had medical management to help me miscarry. After that I threw myself into looking to buy a house a way to focus on something else but that hasn't worked and I'm starting to feel so angry deep down anger and I'm eating lots and lots and my weight was already a problem I just don't know what to do as I've got a 5 year old and a 13 month old I want time to grieve but I can't I've got to keep pushing on and it makes me feel mad.
I'm so run down I've had thrush I've got a chest infection I've been getting SPD type stuff I assume from being in stirrups during my failed erpc. I just feel like shit and angry at life I would have been 19 weeks tomorrow. My first miscarriage I dealt with it differently I drown in my response to losing the baby I would probably being doing the same now but I don't have the time

Lavenderdays Tue 06-Feb-18 20:50:26

Hi Greymoon
I am so sorry for your loss x
Not sure I'm going to be able to help but will share my experience (or some of it at least).
I had a late loss at 22 weeks 3 years ago this month. I also had a 16 month old baby at the time (and a 9 year old) and just tried to plough on as if nothing had happened for a few months. But of course it had...probably the worst thing that as ever happened to me. I was devastated and also angry but I didn't realise just how angry and irritable I had got at everyone and everything around me and entered bereavement counselling - it was a release to be able to talk to a third party outside of the situation. One of my other outlets was to drink wine and eat a lot as a way of comfort...it took me a long time (and inclination to change) to do anything about it - it took probably nearly two years and I piled on the weight (and cried when I stood on the scales because I hadn't realised just how out of hand things had got) but I did manage to lose two stone in the end when I began to feel better (or had adjusted to my new normal anyway). What you are experiencing...anger and weight gain etc. are not unusual when you experience a bereavement. Probably the over eating has contributed to the thrush but it sounds as if all the grief has just made you very susceptible to illness etc. The thing is with grief...it can take a long time to process and with a baby at home and all the demands that go with this it's not going to be easy. Do you have an OH who could take the baby for a while so you can just get out for short walks or do something you feel you would like to do? My 9 year old innocently bombarded me with questions about her late brother and it honestly blew my mind...my dh stepped in and tried to deal with it...not only did I have my own grief to deal with but I was trying to support her too and it wasn't an easy situation at all (we have no extended family). The milestones are never easy...the EDD (or run up to, especially the first) I found very distressing. Every year on the EDD or what would have been ds's birthday, I release a helium balloon very quietly (DH and DC's don't know that I do this) but it is my way of acknowledging my loss.
Don't know if any of this has helped...but just wanted to share and say that you are not alone...so sorry you have had to go through this x

Lavenderdays Tue 06-Feb-18 20:51:03

P.S..sorry for the epic post...I seem to have a habit of producing epic posts!

Greymoon2016 Wed 07-Feb-18 08:40:03

Thank you for the lovely response I'm very sorry that you suffered a late loss I can't imagine how that must be and putting your life back together after must have been so hard. Its good to hear you were able to move forward and accept your new normal.

I have wondered about going gp to request some form of counseling but the wait here is shockingly long.

I'm struggling with the idea about trying for another baby. I was told at 26 I'd never have children naturally so trying for a baby became everything. I want another baby I just feel torn do I give up and accept my baby making is over or do I risk going through another loss I'm 36 don't have the best fertility so I feel a clock is ticking this baby would have been my last.

Did you try again if you don't mind me asking? Thank you again for taking time to reply x

Lavenderdays Wed 07-Feb-18 15:06:57

Hi Greymoon
No problem at all; I have realised that lately I have reached a point where I can talk about my loss without that massive lump in my throat appearing or else becoming tearful x

I had some counselling through Cruse. I suppose I was fortunate in that this lady was happy to continue beyond the allotted number of sessions because she was undertaking study and although she had not experienced this type of loss herself, she was used to talking to others who obviously had experienced a recent loss of some sort.

As mentioned, I have two children (4 and 11). After my first daughter was born (I was 32), I decided to put having another child on the back burner - family issues, bad rta and pnd three of these factors - lots of my friends where having children in their late 30's so I didn't see it as a problem. Then at nearly 37, we tried again...nope nothing and I went to my GP after about 6 months realising that I was getting older, to request fertility tests - I was referred to a fertility consultant and had a few months wait...Outcome was that I had low ovarian reserve and a fsh score that was virtually menopausal - she told me that another pregnancy was highly unlikely given my results and my best option was to attempt IVF. But I couldn't face going down the IVF route and went about grieving the loss of any future children and reconciling that dc1 would be an only child. Then just over 2 years later I found out I was pregnant - dc2 was born when I was six months shy of 40! So, deep breath...naively thought...there wouldn't be anymore children - dc2 had apparently been a complete miracle and at this point I wasn't desperate to have any more children. A year later I found out I was pregnant again - this time a little boy (had harmony tests so knew the sex early). Completely shocked and amazed and just getting my head around having three children...only to find out that at 22 weeks Alexander had died...nothing obvious flagged up but suspected problems with the placenta. Being told that there was no heartbeat at the scan was one of the worst moments of my life and I can still go back to that dark place...but I try not to these days and I had to go through the birthing process etc. to deliver him.
Well, after this I felt desperate to have another baby; there was a baby sized hole in my heart I suppose but eventually, after a lot of counselling and a lot of writing about the subject...I slowly began to come to terms with not having any more children (and focusing on the ones I had). I started to go for job interviews, found new hobbies, started to make plans again (after a very long time). Then, aged 43 (and a couple of months), I discovered that I was pregnant again! If all goes to plan, next month, I will give birth to my third dc just shy of 44.
This will be my last pregnancy whatever the outcome...my anxiety has gone through the roof and given my age I will definitely be taking precautions not to have any more children. I think I am still reeling from this incredibly bumpy road I have taken to have children and quite honestly cannot believe that I will be presented with a living child at the end of this...I have had to dig deep and have not really become excited and also trying to protect my other dcs. There is a lot of support on mumsnet and this has really saved my sanity.

Honestly, please don't hesitate to ask any questions - I will do my best to answer them. It's difficult to advise you because everyone is different...that is where counselling/writing out your thoughts can help you collect your thoughts. Take a deep breath...give yourself a little bit of time...I appreciate fertility is an issue - I know full well, so I wouldn't be one of these people who say ... ahh, you've got plenty of time etc. but perhaps let your body and mind heal a little over the next couple of months. Do you know if anything is behind your losses (I know investigations don't usually take place until 3 miscarriages) but you have already mentioned that you don't have the best fertility...is there anything you can do to help this - diet/supplements...it might at least if nothing else make you feel a little more in control (when really this is probably very much out of our control)?
Grey...wishing you all the very best for the future...I really do understand how tough all of this is x
Sorry if this is another epic post x

Lavenderdays Wed 07-Feb-18 15:07:21

Oh crikey...that is the most epic post I have ever written!!!!

Greymoon2016 Wed 07-Feb-18 15:59:49

Oh please don't apologise it's really lovely to get a sense of what's happening to others it's sad but I dont feel so alone in this sea of emotions.

Congratulations on the pregnancy i completely understand the anxiety thing my little one who is 13 months that pregnancy I completely switched off I couldn't attach myself to the baby I was even assigned a cpn as my midwife was worried I'd not bond with baby.
But it took me having her to heal the pain of the loss before her and weirdly she is the reason I'm dragging myself along and out of bed each day after this loss I feel especially bonded to her because of that X

I just hate the idea her firsts may be my lasts like breastfeeding, her walking learning to talk etc doesn't help but my hubby is happy to stop and have his v section I suppose he has seen the blood gore and the torment in me after my losses.

I hope your pregnancy is going well and your not in too much pain

Lavenderdays Wed 07-Feb-18 18:22:08

So far so good with the pregnancy Grey ...fingers crossed - I really don't want to tempt fate!

And yes, I did drag myself along for the sake of my dcs...it was as if I was living in two worlds...one wanting to be with my son (but not suicidal...just very distracted and wishing I was somewhere else) and the other being semi-present for my dcs

I also know what you mean about firsts being lasts...I have experienced this twice, firstly when I was given my fertility diagnosis after dc1 and then after I had my late loss. I was happy with two dcs after my miracle dc came along if that makes sense. But now, I know enough is enough and this will be my last pregnancy. My dh was not fussed about having any more children after first dc was born so it has not been such a tumulus journey for him although he was extremely upset when Alexander died. Now he's just resigned...oh well one more won't make any difference (my dh is a lot older than me and due to retire in 5 years time).
Treasure the time with your little one (if you can with everything else that has happened)...I think I was just surviving around the time of my loss...going through the motions and probably missed out a little bit with dc2.
It is an old cliché but it really is early days for you...I was in a sort of numb daze for months after losing Alexander and couldn't label my emotions like you are able to now. It is lovely to hear you have an extra special bond with your little dc...I think I probably do too, with dc2 after all of the angst of trying to have her.
Anger and sadness is to be expected at this time...it just has to flow, there seems no end to it right now...but it does get better over time - well that has been my experience anyway x
Take care of yourself Grey, hopefully others will come and post here shortly x

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