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Did we do something wrong?

(14 Posts)
PassTheAfterEights Tue 23-Jan-18 11:18:19

Miscarrying much prayed for first pregnancy at 5 weeks this morning and really struggling.

Read advice to stay fit and healthy and keep moving so I went to aqua aerobics for the first time yesterday (used to do gym/yoga but not recommended for first tri) and DTD last night for the first time since BFP. DH and I both trying to get our heads around what went wrong - I know both these things are supposed to be fine but the timing seems too coincidental.

Anyone have any similar experience/advice?

Feel absolutely devastated. So angry (with myself) and I know we can try again and will probably be successful in the end but right now just want to scream that we wanted this one. I know I'm being self indulgent when so many have bigger struggles than us but I'm heartbroken.

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Shmithecat Tue 23-Jan-18 11:24:39

You did nothing wrong. An estimated 1 in 6 women miscarry and 80% of those are in the first 12 weeks. Be kind to yourself. flowers

BabloHoney Tue 23-Jan-18 14:02:48

Nothing you could have done or not done would have prevented the miscarriage. Am so sorry for your loss, look after yourself and give yourself time to grieve. The miscarriage association can be a great source of information and support x

intelligentPutty Tue 23-Jan-18 15:09:54

So sorry to hear this
Don't blame yourself. It's nothing you did.
And I know it's the hardest thing to go though. Whatever anyone else suffered or is suffering it still makes your pain valid.
Look after yourself. thanks

PassTheAfterEights Wed 24-Jan-18 08:55:55

Thanks all - very grateful for responses. Might have a chat with the nurse @ GP when I'm next in and see if she has any thoughts, hope we'll be lucky again soon but don't want to be a paranoid maniac about not moving, DTD in first tri etc. Was really glad to read your words yesterday, it was a rough day and made a lot of difference so thank you. Feeling a lot more accepting of the odds and our situation this morning and focusing on how lucky we are.

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QueenAravisOfArchenland Wed 24-Jan-18 09:59:07

Nothing you did or didn't do could either have caused or stopped the miscarriage. Reproduction is a tricky process and frequently it doesn't run right and results in an embryo which was never genetically viable and can't develop. If a healthy pregnancy could be affected by normal exercise or sex, we would have died out as a species thousands of years ago, or rather, never got going in the first place.

I know it's hard not to second guess yourself, but seriously it's just sodding bad luck. Early miscarriages are very very common - it's actually more like 20-25% of known pregnancies, and up to 50% of pregnancies generally, it's just that the woman never misses her period or it's only a few days late and doesn't know. All the evidence is that exercise is GOOD for a pregnancy by promoting general health and blood flow. And you can do anything you were previously doing in the first trimester of pregnancy if you feel OK to do it - normal exercise is fine.

PassTheAfterEights Wed 24-Jan-18 12:00:54

@QueenAravisofArchenland thank you - I read your post aloud to my DH and we will keep your advice in mind for the next try. The coincidence of the exercise/sex & MC was a bit cruel but is perfectly reasonable that it was waiting to happen and sheer bad luck, feeling more accepting of that now. Hopefully the next one will come quick and stick!

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UnicornsandRainbows1 Wed 24-Jan-18 17:10:11

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Chances are that it was just very coincidental that it happened on that day, just after everything else. You can still dtd safely during pregnancy (unless ofc told otherwise), if that's what you're comfortable with. The odds are still good that it'll work out in the future, sadly someone has to luck out, but that's not to say that it will happen again.

I know that saying it's bad luck doesn't particularly help, and you'll probably hear it a fair amount, but try to hang in there if you can, see your GP when you're ready to and maybe they'll be able to swing a scan from the EPAC in the future if you feel anxious next time round (depending on how your GP and area works). Or at least they'll be on your side and will hopefully help you through your worries.

Maybe I'm not the best person as I'm in the third time lucky group if I get pregnant again but it's something that I'm sure gets us all out the other side; just that little bit of hope and a chance that it might be different next time. Every pregnancy is different, the make up is different, and I truly hope that it'll just click for you.

I hope I don't come across as, I'm not sure, patronising isn't the right word, but I hope it helps you somewhat

Glitterandunicorns Wed 24-Jan-18 17:23:25

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. I last a much-wanted baby last month at six weeks and can sympathise.

I promise, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to heal mentally and physically. thanks

LittleFeileFooFoo Wed 24-Jan-18 17:41:11

You didn't do anything wrong. I had three mc before ds. it was hard and utterly depressing, but we got through it.

I told myself that something was wrong with the sperm and egg or the process wasn't going right Which is why themc happened n it made me feel better to think this. We got it right eventually!

KTD27 Wed 24-Jan-18 17:53:43

Oh my love please don’t feel you did anything wrong at all!
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 5 weeks my husband was out of the country so defo no DTD and let’s just say I was being a lazy so and so in my week at home without him so defo no exercises.
It’s just one of those things.
I see a fetal medical consultant due to our last pregnancy being chromosomally ‘wrong’ for want of a better word (totally unrelated to our first pregnancy by the way) but she told me that so many pregnancies end in miscarriage its a mind blowing statistic. We are currently pregnant and she didn’t want to do any chromosomal testing for us at all until 8/9 weeks as she was so - matter of factly- wanting to check there wasn’t another miscarriage first. I guess she sees it all the time.
Anyway I’m not sure these ramblings have helped but I guess I wanted you to know that it happens all the time. We don’t talk about it enough but it’s so very sadly common.
You did nothing wrong.
Good luck in the future I hope things work out next time

PassTheAfterEights Thu 25-Jan-18 19:29:01

Thanks so much for taking the time to post and all kind words @UnicornsandRainbows1 @Glitterandunicorns @LittleFeileFooFoo @KTD27 it really helps a lot to read other peoples' experiences and the advice you've all had. Feeling a lot more grounded and accepting this end of the week. MN is a Godsend, gives you so much perspective and exactly because so few ppl know IRL it's amazing to be able to lean on here for support. Really grateful all round x

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UnicornsandRainbows1 Thu 25-Jan-18 22:39:27

I'm glad you're in a slightly better place. Sometimes all you need to do is find some people on the same level and get it all out of your system. Doesn't fix everything of course, but it's a start.

Obviously take all the time you need, but if you need to talk more with others there is also this thread (not always for people who want to ttc right away either). It's just there if you need it, okay? smile

PassTheAfterEights Sun 28-Jan-18 11:49:07

Thank you @UnicornsandRainbows1 - you're right, just needed to be angry and confused and not closeted when it happened! We are damn lucky compared to many, it was a first attempt, it was early, seems to have been over very quickly and my body to date anyway has run like consistent, predictable clockwork, so we can crack on with another try this month. Have joined TTC after pregnancy loss, thank you - helps so much to stay positive and inevitably feel a lot less cavalier than I did this time last month confused TTC sure slows down time..! Have seen your name elsewhere so catch up with you there no doubt, thank you again smile

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