Late miscarriage

[lost55]

I lost my daughter at 20 weeks when I was away visiting relatives (5 hour drive). I feel empty. Angry. Guilty. Devastated. The labour was horrific. Knowing she wouldn't make it, the placenta tearing, the dr having to manually scrape what he could out without any pain relief in an attempt to avoid going to theatre. Only getting to hold my daughter once she was cold due to the above. Having to decide about post mortem within a few hours. Having to leave my daughter at the hospital for the post Mortem. The Funeral directors in London being reluctant to collect her (in January) from where post mortem is being undertaken despite being more than willing to pay.

I just feel completely broken and want her back. I'm replaying what happened constantly and wondering if there is anything I could have done.

The rational part of me says no and that I need to wait for the results. That part of me however outweighed by the rest of me. It took us so long to even get pregnant (5 years due to fertility issues) - she would have been our first child. I don't know if we can, or will get pregnant again and even if we do god only knows how I will cope.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting but I suppose I'd like to know (a) if it gets better; (b) how long people waited before trying again.

[Orangebird69]

Nothing to advise you on but you must know it wasn't your fault

[NickyNora]

hugs & sympathies to you & your dh.

[Esker]

I am so sorry to hear this. You are not at fault, and I hope you know that. I have only had experience of a very early miscarriage, and yes absolutely things got better over time, but I know that a loss at twenty weeks is a whole different galaxy. I'm so sorry you lost your baby, and the trauma of the delivery sounds dreadful. Do you have any close family or friends who can support you in person?

[lokijet]

so sorry for your loss - be kind to yourself

[HateHomework]

So sorry my lovely....
I only have experience of early miscarriages nowhere near as heartbreaking as yours although it did seem like it at the time. Because I was trying for many years, straight after my second miscarriage went for IVF to the no1 clinic in U.K. - very expensive lots of monitoring and drugs due my miscarriages but got there in the end....
There is always someone out there who can help... if you need details let me know

Wishing you lots of courage x

[HerculesMulligan]

I am so very sorry, sweetheart. I wish you'd been able to keep your beautiful girl. It is a dreadfully cruel thing to have happened to you.

It's quite different, I know, but I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, 5 years ago. I will never ever forget it, or think of it without sadness, but the pain has faded considerably over time.

I hope the hormones of this pregnancy mean you find it easier than before to get pregnant again when you and your partner feel ready. Wishing you love and peace until then.

[guest477337]

I'm so sorry for you loss xxx

[SpringWater1571]

I'm so so sorry Lost. What an unbelievably cruel thing to happen. I cried reading your post.

I lost a pregnancy at 12 weeks and it was the most emotionally difficult thing I have ever faced so I can't imagine how you are feeling. At this point don't try and think about ifs and buts- you need to look after yourself and take each day as it comes.

One day you will feel stronger again. I hope you manage to conceive again soon if that's what you want. You will find courage from somewhere to carry on.

[lost55]

Thank you for your lovely messages, it is very sweet. I'm just a bit lost and don't really know what to do anymore as I feel like an entirely different person.

@HateHomework thank you. I will send you a message when I am at a computer later.

[lost55]

Also, apologies. My logical thought process seem to have left. I am so meant to say sorry for your losses too. It is truly a horrible thing to happen at any time.

[AvaMercy]

Lost,

I couldn't read this without commenting, even though it's hard to know what to say. I've been where you are and I remember feeling so alone that I had to come to this forum to find someone else who understood even a little of how I was feeling. For me, it was my little boy at 18 weeks. He was the result of fertility treatment and I had no previous children.

You've not said when this happened to you, but I gather from what you've said, it was fairly recent. I wont pretend that it's been an easy journey since losing him over a year ago but I will say, absolutely it will get easier and you will feel better. You'll even laugh and feel happy about things again. For months after losing my boy, I couldn't ever imagine feeling that way ever again, but I do.

I still think of him, and I still have times where I feel so desperately sad. For him, for me, for what could have been and is not. But these thoughts, though hurt, don't completely overwhelm me like they did in the earlier days.

I understand the going over and over things in your mind trying to find reasons. But without even knowing you or the details surrounding your pregnancy, I can say it's not your fault. Hopefully, you will get answers as to why this has happened and hopefully that will help.

In terms of trying again, that's only something we've begun again a few months ago. Though I really wanted to be pregnant again ASAP, I was also terrified of the very Idea. Even having periods freaked me out as they reminded me of what had happened. There were also external factors that meant it wasn't sensible for us to try again any sooner. However, I don't think there's a right or wrong amount of time to wait. I'd just say make sure you get all your test results back first so that you have as much knowledge as you can if/when you decide to try again

Have you been offered any counselling? I was offered 6 sessions by the hospital I had my boy and though I'd always been reluctant to the idea of any type of therapy, I have to say, it really really helped me to cope with what I went through having him, as well as facing the loss of losing him.

Anyway, I think I've rambled on for long enough! But I will tell you that without a doubt, I'm not the same person that I was before I lost him. And I don't think I can be again. A little piece of my heart is broken because of his loss. And I feel it. But, with time to grieve, I can appreciate that although it still hurts, I feel glad that I experienced a really beautiful type of love that I would never have known . Even if our time together- like yours with your girl - ended far too soon.

Hope you've gotten the issues with the funeral director sorted.

Sending positive vibes your way. xx

[HateHomework]

@AvaMercy that really made me cry

Sending you a virtual hug xxx

[CyclingFanGirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We lost our boy at 21 weeks earlier this year, different circumstances, but I can relate to the pain, especially of leaving him behind in the hospital, it haunted me.
I remember the dark dark days in the first couple of months where I couldn't imagine smiling again and things are slowly getting better. I found the support from my GP practice (mostly in the form of unquestioning fit notes) was fantastic and my Mum friends were amazing. I am now accessing some support through SANDS, but at the start I just wanted shoulders to cry on and some time and space to myself.
It started to get a bit better after about 2 months, at that point I wanted to go back to work to distract myself, but I found that I really struggled and without support and understanding from my boss I wouldn't have been able to manage. We are now 7 months down the line and I am 2 months pregnant again, I wonder whether this is too soon, but I am managing the anxiety with a great midwife, support from SANDS, meditation and a strict 1 day at a time approach, it seems to be working so far.

Please please be kind to yourself, take plenty of time off work, contact SANDS. This will definitely not be your fault and I really hope that the post-mortem offers you answers and reassurance.

[Greylilypad]

Hello.
I also lost a little baby girl nearly two years ago at 18 weeks. It is a terrible thing to go through, sorry to hear this has happened to you.
I was absolutely devastated and angry and desperately sad and couldn't understand why I had to go through the pain.

I also kept replaying everything I did, even down to what had been in my food or could I have eaten something off etc etc. Logically I understood how unlikely it was but I kept thinking what if, what if?

I saw a bereavement midwife at the hospital who strongly reassured me it was nothing I had done. We had a post mortem done and I had a number of blood tests and scans done also (of uterus). I was strongly advised by the bereavement midwife to wait for the results which were to take 4 or so months before ttc again.

At first I was really angry and desperate to just try again straight away, I so wanted to be pregnant again. The medical team had told me that I had been tested for some clotting disorders which can cause second trimester miscarriage and that I should not try again until these results were received as if I had the disorder, it was possible the same would happen again. Also those disorders are treatable but they obviously wouldn't give treatment until they knew if i had one of the disorders.

Perhaps a mix of grief and hormones made me seriously consider ignoring this advice but DH was adamant we should not and my Dsis also talked me out of it. As it worked out, taking those months to grieve helped enormously. I will say that I already had two small DC so they were a distraction for me.

The results showed that the placenta had failed to attach properly casuing our baby's heart to stop as the placenta stopped working. Personally I really wanted to know why it had happened (though they had told me there was a 50% chance no cause would be found) and I found it - a relief is the wrong word, but I felt better once I knew.

I started trying again a month later and got pregnant within a couple of months. I was delighted and terrified and sad for the baby girl we lost. I was very, very anxious throughout the pregnancy until our little boy was born in June even though they told me what had happened had no particular risk of happening to me again (risk was same as for anyone else).

You will feel better again, this is the worst and hardest part of what is a horrendous experience. Try and just allow yourself to grieve and feel angry and for me, talking about it helped although I understand others prefer to keep it private.