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Help needed life after stillborn

(12 Posts)
LAlexander7 Mon 27-Nov-17 23:05:36

Hey,

Dad here, we lost our Son in March totally unexpected.... he was stillborn.

Fast forward 9 months and we've had a miscarriage since and have been referred to a fertility clinic. We're both young (30) my wife just hasn't sprung back shes taken a leave of absence from work. And is generally just masking how she feels by being on her phone all the time isn't speaking to friends and is generally struggling I guess.

I don't really know what to do going forward, I keep getting so frustrated as I want to give 110% into getting pregnant, taking our supplements, losing weight, eating healthily and really attacking it. But it must be so tough for her.....

Does anyone have any suggestions or anything that it will get better?

Ojoj1974 Mon 27-Nov-17 23:07:52

Sadly no advice but I want to send you both all my love flowers

Helbelle75 Mon 27-Nov-17 23:10:18

So sorry, that is devastating. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
Have you both had any counselling? I found cruse to be very helpful after a mmc. My doctor referred me.
I would imagine time is needed and a great deal of being kind to yourselves.

GretchenFranklin Mon 27-Nov-17 23:12:37

I'm so sorry flowers - also sending you both love.

mehhh Mon 27-Nov-17 23:30:43

So sorry sending my love thanks

I don't really have any advice, other than maybe some counselling as a couple or alone?

element19 Tue 28-Nov-17 07:50:36

What a lovely partner you are. We went through everything that you are going through and I can empathise. It’s a ridiculously rocky road. My hubby was my strength, he researched diets and supplements for me and came to every appt. his support kept me going on the really dark days and so my advice is just keep on doing what you are doing because without it, she would be struggling to keep preserving herself. But also make sure that you get the support you need, people forget about the dads. Much love x

element19 Tue 28-Nov-17 07:51:40

*persevering

Bisquick Tue 28-Nov-17 08:04:14

OP I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost our son to a stillbirth earlier this year too so I can understand some of the pain you are feeling.

I know it feels like it would be useful to just plunge into the project of getting pregnant again (and tbh that is the approach we took) but it doesn’t work for everyone. And doesn’t seem like what your wife wants.

What kind of support are you getting at the moment? Some people find SANDS very useful - both the online boards and attending in person meetings. It can be very hard for even well meaning friends and family to relate to what you’ve both been through, and it can feel very lonely trying to just avoid talking about it or talking about it in general terms. I sometimes wanted to just scream about the anguish of having to organise a funeral for my son.. arrange a memorial and things like that - when I really should have been organising a cake smash. Life is just fucking unfair sometimes.

I personally found ranting on MN very useful, and the in person postnatal bereavement counselling offered by my hospital to be incredibly helpful. Is there a chance you can access those services?

Most importantly turn towards each other and listen (really listen) to what your wife is going through. I know this is gender stereotyping but sometimes men, especially men who love us, want to just solve all our problems but sometimes we can’t or don’t want them solved, we just want to be listened to.

I also read a lot of rubbish celebrity gossip, random AIBU threads, watched loads and loads of bad TV over the past year. I really just needed to keep my brain distracted to keep from going over that day over and over again. Especially when I was still on my maternity leave since I was on my own all day. Cut her loads of slack and hopefully get her to open up a bit more. It can feel very lonely like she is stuck in that moment, so let her see that you at least are someone who can understand what she has been through.

Sorry for an incredibly long post, hope some of it at least is useful.

flowers

Miami81 Fri 01-Dec-17 07:47:28

I am so sorry for your loss op. We lost our little girl just 9 weeks ago, it is just so utterly devastating.
In terms of ways forward, we are about to attend our first local SANDS meeting on Monday evening, just to see what it is like and if it is for us at all. My husband and I are both getting cbt (this was covered by his work which is great and I know we are very lucky to be able to access this).
I have reached out to the baby loss community online as well, I have read some blogs like thelegacyofleo and dearorla and those have really helped me understand some of the emotions I am feeling. They have also helped me be a little more confident in telling others (including my husband) how I am feeling. I agree with @Bisquick about talking to and really listening to each other, my DH has struggled enormously with not being able to fix this, as has my dad.
We are about to start a small nice thing every day type task thing for the month of December in memory of our little girl and I am really looking forward to doing this and planning the whole month out, we already have 14 wee tasks set up. This has also helped DH and i talk about how each little task makes us feel and feels like it is helping us get back on track emotionally with each other. So maybe try and suggest something small like that (like one thing a week?) and see how your wife feels about that.
It is awful and now you are dealing with a loss after a loss which is just adding to the devastation. We had two mc before our pregnancy with our baby girl and to be honest some days it does feel like the entire world is just cracking on having a wonderful time and we are left alone just miserable in our grief. But I find that actually getting out into the world makes you realise that you aren't alone, that maybe people aren't going through exactly the same thing, but some people are going through similar things and there are people out there who just want to try and listen and help in any way they can. I wish you all the best.
What was your sons name? Please come back and talk here if you need to.

22beach Sat 02-Dec-17 18:12:55

Mate,My Daughter was born nearly 2 months ago Stillborn,due to CDH. Sadness more Sadness,feeling helpless and know the anger is coming out! Who or what am i angry with,i don't know...i had my 1st counselling session last week and thos really helped just to get so much off my chest,i have another next week..and i can't wait..so counselling is my advice to you..it may help get your head around things..smile

LAlexander7 Sun 03-Dec-17 20:31:11

Hey everyone,

@miami81 if you want to I can share my wifes number with you, we too had 2 micarriages before Toby.

We had an appointment with a fertility doctor this week, it was some positive news as we can get pregnant we just can't keep them.

Since the message things are a bit better, I don't think she wants to go back to work anytime soon tho and as a teacher I understand that.

I think since the appt she is feeling more positive about the future.

SpringWater1571 Tue 05-Dec-17 21:49:42

Hi OP I'm glad your wife is feeling more positive since the appointment. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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