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Devastated

(18 Posts)
Lcal25 Sat 04-Nov-17 05:24:27

I’m 25
I own a house
I have a great job
Then I got pregnant - my first ever pregnancy
Then me and my partner split up
Then my dog died
But all of this was fine because I had this baby
This baby had already changed my life
I stopped drinking
I stopped smoking
I was saving money
I was planning our future
I had the nursery planned out in my head
I had organised my job as part time for when I went back
I’d organised the childcare for when I was at work
I was at 12 +2 on Thursday and in the afternoon the bottom of my back started to constantly really hurt rather than twinge now and then. Then the twinges across my lower stomach started. When I got home from work I started to get a slightly pinky coloured discharge so I rang 101 they told me to just go to my GP on Friday morning. So off I went he pressed my tummy, did some tests, did another pregnancy test and said well your still pregnant so I convinced myself this was all normal - a positive test what more do you need? Anyway he sent me straight off for my first scan just to be safe.
I was so excited I was going to see the little bean that changed my life.

I got to the hospital explained and they sat me in a different waiting room to everyone else. When I finally went in they put the gel on my tummy and the nurse said your only measuring at 8 weeks we will have to go internal so we prepared for that and this is where I started to realise something was wrong there was a third nurse in the room. One said agreed the other said agreed and that was it. That was them agreeing my baby had no heart beat.

Then they took me back in another room and was asking me how I wanted this miscarriage to proceed. It went right over my head I was numb. My baby had been dead inside me for over 4 weeks. I thought everything was fine I’d had no extreme pain, I’d had no blood. I’d started to tell people, I was 12 weeks it was ok for me to tell people.
As I left the nurse made me stand in reception - tears pouring out my eyes - and cancel my originally booked scan. I was heart broken and it felt like she was rubbing it in.

My mum picked me up and took me to her house. It was horrible I couldn’t stand the silence. I went to see my godson and it just breaks my heart I am not carrying his little cousin. I can’t give him that littl cousin.

Once we got back to my mums the silence started again.
About half past 8 the bleeding really started. Shortly after that the pain started. My mum kept asking me about the pain but it didn’t feel that bad I just felt bad that I couldn’t keep this baby, that’s what hurt the most.
I went and laid with a duvet feeling completely lost, I felt the sharpest pain and went to the toilet and in my pants I could see my baby. I swear. It looked like it’s little tiny head, no blood just this little funny coloured head then the blood started.

The bleeding has steadied now but it’s still there. The constant reminder that I’ve lost this child.

I’m sorry for the rant and I hope you can understand this through my typos and my tears but I had to get this out. This is the worse feeling, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’d rather by in labour for a week then feel this pain anymore.

Love and sympathy to all the women that create this dreadful 1/4 statistic (which the nurses also reminded me of) if anyone needs to rant or someone to cry with that knows exactly how your feeling please get in touch.

WanderingTrolley1 Sat 04-Nov-17 05:28:26

I’m so, so sorry.

mysecret321 Sat 04-Nov-17 05:30:08

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, I honestly consider my two miscarriages to be the worst experiences in my life. My first just like yours was missed and I remember crying to everyone saying I became a coffin because I was carrying a dead baby sad it's awful and I understand how you feel. Don't let people tell you it wasn't meant to be or whatever-shut them up there and then. It was your baby and you have the right to grieve in whatever way you want to grieve. Take your time and take care of yourself. What I can tell you is that it gets easier and you will find something to get you through the pain. You will learn to bear it sad all the best x

Lcal25 Sat 04-Nov-17 05:35:08

Thankyou. I just want it all to stop now. I’m so tired and numb and Im just wishing the past few days away not that that will change anything I guess.

mysecret321 Sat 04-Nov-17 05:48:41

I know... I still remember going to sleep and seeing my red face in the morning swollen from all the crying...I am normally a control freak and I literally wanted to run out the house scream kick do whatever there was to do to make things stop the way they were going to stop the pain to turn back time and stop the miscarriage somehow. But there was nothing. You literally feel numb and empty I remember thinking I could feel a massive hole where my uterus is, as if there was nothing there eversad but as I said it passes. I stayed at home and returned to work after one day as I thought if I stop I'll never go back to normal, I needed to live on. But everyone is different so take your time. As I said it gets better with time, you learn to live with it. Just don't let other people tell you all the upsetting crap sad

MrsPringles Sat 04-Nov-17 05:56:58

Op I’m so truly sorry, sending lots of love.
The world is horrendously unfair sometimes, take care if yourself x

ElsieMay123 Sat 04-Nov-17 06:00:20

I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks and it's shit, sorry that you have to go through it. I started bleeding on a Saturday, had an emergency appointment on the Monday where I still tested positive and exam seemed OK but ultrasound wasn't available so booked for the Thursday. On Thursday morning I was bleeding heavily and phoned to say 'I'm definitely having a miscarriage' and was told to go to hospital anyway. TBH I felt like staff were all bright and breezy and thought I was overreacting when I knew how much I was bleeding meant it was game over. Eventually I had ultrasound with wand, after they told me off for not having a full bladder (as I'd been going to loo every few minutes to clean the blood away, but recording how much as suggested by my midwife friend). I knew from the faces that they finally saw what I felt and suddenly the mood changed to all sadness and consideration. I bled all over everything, and I think they felt a bit sorry that they had dismissed my concerns. Sorry to if I'm hijacking your thread, I didn't expect to need to say this as much as I do now.

Anyway, after the physically messy part ended I was just annoyed that there wasn't more preparation for miscarriage. Prepare for the worst, expect the best as they say. I couldn't get hold of the midwife I'd seen for booking, as she was part time and hadn't given me an alternative number to call so I had no idea what to do, I couldn't get a doctor's referral on the Monday because there are never Monday appointments. I sat in A&E that day feeling bad for wasting resources. Given that around 20% of pregnancies do end in miscarriage I wonder why there is not a more direct approach to handling it, it adds insult to injury to have traumatized women having to figure out what to do. OK, I'm angry again now. Kicker was I'm now pregnant (yeah!) and the bloody midwife who never responded to my initial calls and texts still has the same number, and texted me for an appointment which then displayed my previous message to her saying 'I think something's wrong, what should I do' which she never responded to or acknowledged. It hurt so much that I refuse to have appointments with her and travel to a different clinic instead, I don't care how busy she was/is or what the procedure is, she should have replied or acknowledged that at some point.

I'm 24 weeks now, fingers crossed all will be well this time. It took a while to process my feelings (clearly still doing that now) and I have a more cautiously confident approach at this point. So all I can say is look after yourself, don't rush your feelings and don't be surprised if emotions well up for some time after. Take care flowers

Lcal25 Sat 04-Nov-17 14:51:55

Wishing all the best for you with this pregnancy x

mysecret321 Mon 06-Nov-17 10:07:45

Hope youre doing ok(ish), op flowers

Littleraincloud Mon 06-Nov-17 10:16:48

It is awful and nothing anyone says will make it better. The only thing that will change is time will make it less raw. This was me 7 years ago - also a missed miscarriage - be easy on yourself x

Blackcatonthesofa Mon 06-Nov-17 19:10:10

I lost one at 11.4 last year. It was horrible. I felt so alone and unprepared. I hated that bit the most. The loneliness and not knowing what to do. But after a while I started feeling better. It feels more distant now.

Take care of yourself now. Have a rest with a nice hot water bottle and a cup of cocoa. Give yourself time to grieve. You will be ok again. Just give yourself some love and time. flowers

Lcal25 Mon 13-Nov-17 07:02:47

Thankyou all for your messages and support.
I still spend every silent minute with a tear and if I see someone pregnant or with a baby I roar but it’s a new week, I’ve got to go back to work and I’m not sure how long I can go without a cry so it could be an interesting day for everyone! xx

mysecret321 Mon 13-Nov-17 12:05:02

I remember my first day at work after this... even though it's been nearly 2 years...just keeping doing what you need to do and one of these days it will become bearable flowers

Zoo33 Mon 13-Nov-17 15:33:07

Hi @Lcal25. Today is my first day back at work after taking 2 weeks off after a medically managed miscarriage. I was doing okay until my boss gave me a hug and asked how I was - then I cried all over her. Otherwise keeping busy seems to help although I can’t wait to go home and have a proper cry this evening. I hope you’re coping okay. Xx

Lcal25 Tue 14-Nov-17 00:01:25

I think that makes it worse! I keep getting these sympathetic looks off everyone and it breaks my heart but I bite my lip. That is until I asked my boss if he wanted a brew and he gave me his mug and his wife is expecting and she got him a new mug saying daddy to bee 🐝🐝🐝 and then I cried a lot then I felt even more terrible about that then anything else I don’t want him feeling guilty and that he can’t talk about it at work! Gees! Oh well the first days got to be the worst right!? 💚

mysecret321 Tue 14-Nov-17 06:31:02

Yes, I remember that one of my colleagues revealed she was pregnant and her due date was shortly after mine-like a week? But due to my mc she waited and spoke to our boss and even waited with her fb announcement, which I consider to be so nice of her... but I avoided her as much as I could which she said she could understand. I think you get into a pattern after a few days, it's almost as if you work in a factory and do things automatically for a few days.... as I said do what you feel is best-pay attention to yourself be kind and do what you need to not what other people expect you to do...

MrsMcN82 Fri 17-Nov-17 12:13:12

It's horrendous & I'm so sorry for all your loses 😓 I'm a week after my MC at 10 weeks....First BFP after trying for 6 yrs....and now I don't even know if i want to try anymore!!

I'm in such a dark place, I know I'm grieving as I've sadly lost my sister, brother & wee dad over the last few years so know what it feels like....but I'm also struggling with the guilt...i feel like I've failed & let everyone down...as this was the 'happy' time after such heartache for my family, we finally had something positive to look forward too....& now that's gone too!!

I can't face work, been signed off for another 2 weeks as there is 4 gorgeous mummy to be's in my face & right now im just not strong enough to deal with thst as i can't go 10mins without crying my eyes out!!

My best friend is also pregnant & I am truly happy for her as like me she's been tryin for years....i was so excited to tell her & be pregnant together...but now feel so jealous of her & I'm avoiding her.

SIL also pregnant we found out today.....& due the exact same day I was (5th june)....i feel I've been kicked in the gut with that one.

I feel so isolated and alone but these pages have given me some comfort as sadly u know how I'm feeling.

Sorry I don't know what to say to make it easier for you.....but I do know it will get easier over time & wish u all the very best!!

I'm new on here but thankyou for letting me rant ❤ xxx

Npdp Sat 18-Nov-17 10:43:54

Thought I would share my story with you all ...
I found out I was pregnant I was very happy thrilled tbh . Then the bleeding started 2 weeks later ...
Going to the doctors and working out the dates I was told I was around 6 weeks pregnant ... after discovering bleeding I immediately went to the hospital and they did 2 pregnancy tests . These came back negative . I immediately through I lost it and the bleeding would make sense. May I add the bleeding was really heavy just like a normal period .. They did took my blood tests and that came back pregnant with my hcg levels at 68 this was low I was told . The doctor then checked my cervix which was closed and she told me I hadn't miscarried but told me to come back 2 days later to check my hcg levels as they are expected to double.
Went back 2 days later and they have dropped to 10 hcg and I was told I had miscarried ..
Now got to go back again next week to make sure the levels have completely dropped
Part of me still feels hope but I know I have miscarried. Has anyone else been through this????

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