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Approaching due date, this feels really lonely

(14 Posts)
berryupset Tue 31-Oct-17 10:06:29

Hi all. Firstly, I am sorry that we are all here. I am writing as I lost a baby earlier this year (I lost another one last year) and am approaching what would have been the due date now. I feel utterly bereft. But what's also hard is that not one member of my family has contacted me to ask how I am. A bit of me feels as though perhaps this is because I should have got over it by now, and I am making a fuss. I feel a bit like a petulant child who is having a tantrum because she's being ignored. But on the other hand, my family do know how sad I am feeling, and it seems to have been brushed under the carpet. I can't understand this at all. Has anyone else experienced this? It's so lonely.

ibentmywookie Tue 31-Oct-17 11:14:13

I'm sorry for your losses. My due date passed on Saturday and the couple of weeks leading up to it were dreadful, I felt utterly bereft.

I also lost a baby in December last year, and that due date passed in July, but bothered me less as I was dealing with the fall out from the second loss, which was further on, and due to Trisomy 13. I am 43, so trying to get my head around not having another child, which is breaking my heart, although I am so lucky to have my daughter.

I feel like everyone expects me to be over it by now, and it's not helped by the fact that I kept both pregnancies very quiet, so it feels over dramatic to still be grieving about babies most of my friends and family didn't even know about. My dp's family have also been grieving the loss of his father, and all have their own issues to cope with.

I did light three candles to commemorate all my losses during Pregnancy & Baby Loss Awareness Week this month and posted it on fb with a message, which felt like enough, and meant that I could let people know what a tough year my dp and I have had, but after the event.

My mum is the only person I have really talked to about it all, and she has been sympathetic, but yeah, it just feels like everyone else has forgotten, very lonely.

Have you considered having any counselling? I had eight sessions through my employee wellbeing scheme, and it was helpful at the time.

You're not alone though, and there is a lot of support to be found online. Ultimately, I know IAB a bit U in expecting anyone else to feel my losses as keenly as I do, or to really understand how sad I feel, but it would be nice if they realised without me having to spell it out.

berryupset Tue 31-Oct-17 12:30:15

Hi Ibent, thanks so much for responding, and I am so sorry for your losses too. It sounds as though (unfortunately) we have something in common. I am a bit older than you. I am so incredibly lucky to have two kids, but I feel this terrible absence after these losses. I want to give it one more go, but just don't know if I can put myself through this again.

My mum has been sympathetic too - or was. But I saw her and a sister recently and was visibly sad, and nothing was said and I haven't heard from either of them since. I am really aware that grief can feel like anger sometimes so don't want to take this out on them but I do feel very let down. My response is simply to avoid them, which is an added sadness.

Floss89 Tue 31-Oct-17 14:38:03

I know exactly how you feel. It's very hard. My due date was last week, I never imagined how hard it would hit me. I was also told my sil baby news. It hit me really hard and I was made to feel bad for being upset over it. I'm hoping with time it will get easier. Having a good cry when I need too helps plus fresh air. I hope it gets easier for you and I'm sorry you're going through this.

keeponrunning85 Wed 01-Nov-17 21:03:04

Due dates are rubbish. I've got number 4 coming up in about a month. No-one else remembers them. Not even DH, although his is more a conscious effort not too. To be honest, I don't really expect anyone to. I don't always remember my friends birthdays, let alone other dates.

Previously I have just allowed myself to feel sad, quietly acknowledged it to myself, and admitted to a couple of close friends that I'm not ok at the time and why. Because it is just really fucking sad.

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you want and need from your family. Friends have said to me that at times they have felt anxious about bringing it up for fear of upsetting me further or upsetting me when I seem ok. Could you be frank with your mum and sister and just tell them you could do with some support right now?

Lots of people find it helpful to have something to remember their losses. I took the slightly less conventional approach of getting a tattoo, or rather 4 birds. It is on my ribcage so well hidden and I've only told a few people about it. But to me it is my way of showing that they will never be forgotten.

ForeverHopeful21 Thu 02-Nov-17 13:25:58

I'm so sorry OP.
Its always disappointing when you feel let down by loved ones but if theres something I've come to realise it's that they simply don't understand. I know that doesn't make it easier!

I found mothers day incredibly difficult (which was a week after my MC). I have no children but felt like I'd just lost one so that meant that mothers day didn't apply to me. I had one friend message me and it meant the world that she did. Like you I was so shocked that I never heard from any family, especially my mum who I'm incredibly close to.

As for due dates I pretty much ignored the day. I made sure I was working; I have a very busy job so hoped it would take my mind of it.
A few days later we were on holiday and although we're not religious, we found ourselves in a little church. Whilst in there we made a donation to light a candle and I got really emotional. It was a sad moment but also nice to acknowledge it. Surprisingly it really did make me feel better and I think looking back was better than trying to pretend it wasn't happening. xx

physicskate Fri 03-Nov-17 15:22:02

I’m struggling today. My first round of clomid just failed. Since my very early mc in march (due dat approaching soon) I’ve been told I probably have pcos. Also around the time of my mc my best friend became pregnant (she doesn’t know about the mc) and she is due in a few days.

I just don’t know how to not be horribly, miserably sad anymore. How does this depression leave me??

Ttc 20 months and just as far away from it as I was in early 2016...

I’ve planted two plants (one for the earlier mc too). I just don’t know what I’m doing or trying to achieve anymore....

berryupset Mon 13-Nov-17 09:44:58

Physic, I am so sorry, I didn't see this message previously so didn't respond. What you are going through is so hard.

Thanks to everybody who has responded, and sorry I have only just come back to this. My sister had a baby last week and of course we are all celebrating that. I am genuinely delighted for her. My loneliness has been compounded though, given that nobody has acknowledged that my baby should be here now too. It's difficult not to feel angry, although I know it's not their fault, and my 'solution' is to avoid my family. It's crap, basically.

Kej13 Mon 13-Nov-17 18:56:50

Berryupset, I'm exactly where you are. A close family member has just had a baby and we lost our baby in July, feels like everyone thinks we should be over it by now. I haven't been able to speak to them in months because I feel angry like you do and also makes me feel lonely too. Our due date is coming up soon and I should be on maternity leave now so I understand what you're going through.

berryupset Tue 14-Nov-17 10:27:54

I am so sorry kej, it's heartbreaking isn't it. She is sending me lovely photos of them leaving hospital, and looking so happy. I really am happy for her, but of course I wish more than I can say that I had such lovely photos too send round too. I just don't know how to tell them how abandoned I feel, without sounding like a whingeing child, or as though I am trying to draw attention away from my sister. It feels as though it has changed my relationship with them for ever. I guess things will get better ... wishing you many good wishes anyway.

Kej13 Tue 14-Nov-17 13:22:06

I completely get that, I honestly feel like I can't have a relationship with them anymore either. I've had to delete myself from facebook etc so I don't see anything because it just upsets me so much and I feel awful for feeling this way but it's too much. People just think you have to get over it, if only it was that simple! Abandoned is 100% the right way to describe how I'm feeling too!

berryupset Tue 14-Nov-17 19:34:00

Oh kej, poor you. It is utterly rubbish. When I am feeling most mawkish I feel sad and insulted on behalf of the babies I lost that their memory is only important to me. But of course, I do know that this grief is intensely personal. I hope it gets better for you. xxxx

Kej13 Tue 14-Nov-17 20:21:33

It really is one of those things you can't begin to understand until it happens to you. I hope things improve over time with your mum and sister but I know exactly how you feel and you need to give yourself time, don't rush anything or feel pushed into a situation you're not comfortable with, in my experience it only makes things worse xxxx

MouseLove Wed 15-Nov-17 22:21:26

Just wanted to send you all some hugs and love and share my story.

I had my due date in early September. It was horrific because we planned a day out and really all I wanted to do was stay home and feel sorry for myself. However. I got through it and you will too. My advice, do what YOU want to do. We both took the day off work.

I cried in a cafe having lunch while a baby screamed. I broke down and had a tantrum in a coffee shop later in the day and I generally ruined the day my DH had planned. We ended up running to an attraction (we visited York) just before closing and then went home early.

Thankfully he was amazing. He was patient, loving and just let me be. He held my hand, made sure I was ok, and even let me walk off to paddy a few times.

It’s the only time I’ve really lost it since my mmc of my first baby at 10 weeks in February. I am still not pregnant again and I feel with every month my hope slipping BUT I also feel like this experience has strengthened my marriage and made me realise I am fucking tough. And I CAN do this. And I will do everything I can to be a Mum.

You will most likely have a rough day, maybe a weepy one or maybe it will be lovely filled with ways to remember your baby. But you will get through it. I promise. And you will be ok. Xxx

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