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Anyone gone though a stillbirth

(5 Posts)
Iamchanging Mon 30-Oct-17 16:14:31

Hi all,
Almost 3 weeks ago I lost my little girl at 26 weeks. I feel like I'm getting worse. She was our first and only, and we went through fertility treatment to get her. I'm off work and my DH is back at work and I just cry all day. I've done all the sensible stuff, joined SANDS, taken up a hobby, painted the house, just chilled and watched films but none of it helps. For the first time in my life I just genuinely don't want to go on. I won't do anything as I couldn't do that to DH but I didn't feel like this even when my mum died. Has anyone else gone though the same? How did you bare it? I miss her kicks so much.

SJ88 Mon 30-Oct-17 16:40:50

I’m so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I’m sure she was beautiful.
I lost my first baby at 41 weeks during labour in February so can understand some of the pain you are feeling now. I also thought I couldn’t do it and didn’t want to go on - (In fact I never thought I would be able to go on wether I wanted to or not!) It’s been 8 months since my little girl passed away and I have to say it hasn’t got easier as such but I’ve become better at understanding and coping with my grief on a daily basis. At the beginning everyday was hell - just overwhelming grief, sadness and guilt because I felt as though my body had failed her. I constantly questioned myself - how could this have happened?, why us? what did we do to deserve this? what could I have done differently? Could I have saved her?- it was just complete and utter hopelessness. I honestly thought I could never be happy or smile again... but I have to say I’m still devastated and still haven’t come to terms with what happened (I doubt I ever will fully) but I do have much better days now - I see friends again, have started back at work, laugh again and even find myself singing along to the radio in the car all things I never thought I would do. At first I felt such guilt for doing these things again - but grief is so tough and you need these good moments to help you get through the really bad days (which come further and further apart now). I also joined Sands - both a face to face support group and online forum and this helped me IMMENSELY- meeting people who truly understood what I was thinking and feeling and made me realise it was normal to be feeling that way. It also gave me a safe space to talk about my daughter and how loved and missed she was without worrying about upsetting anyone. They also helped me think of ways to help keep her memory alive like writing her name in the sand and creating a memory chest for her etc. I honestly believe I’ve made some life long friends since joining SANDS.
I’m now 15 weeks pregnant again (something I never thought I would be able to do at first) and absolutely petrified but I know my little girl would want us to be happy. Things won’t ever be as they should - but you can create a ‘new normal’ with happy days & moments remembering how loved your daughter was for all the time you carried her and how loved she will always be.
A friend from Sands once said - life is tough... but so are you! That has stuck with me these past 8 months. I know it’s seems impossible now but take all the support you can get, embrace the good moments along with the bad and take each day as it comes. It sounds like you are already showing such strength in all the things you are doing such a short time after you loss- you should be proud of yourself. I’m sure your little girl is very proud of you too! flowersflowers

Iamchanging Mon 30-Oct-17 22:01:03

Hi @SJ88, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I can relate to so much of what you have said and it's a relief to hear that it's is slightly more bearable as time passes. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this pain as well. I hope that one day I will also get my take home baby, but at the moment I just feel so bereft that as you say every day is a struggle. I honestly didn't know that it was possible to feel pain like it.

LAlexander7 Sun 19-Nov-17 21:40:35


We lost our Son at full term, it was totally out of the blue and unexpected so I understand what you're going through.

SANDS is a good resource maybe try and get some of their numbers so you can talk outside of the meetings.... this has helped my wife.

Time is the biggest healer.

I hope it gets better for you both.

MrsPeacockDidIt Mon 20-Nov-17 19:38:08

We lost our much loved son at full term during labour. We too had fertility treatment and he was the result of IVF #4. This was 6 years ago. You will better, then worse then a bit better again. Grief is like a rollercoaster and you never know what might set you down again. I found one on one counselling so helpful. I couldn’t face groups in throes early months or message boards. You will find the strength to get through this, it may not feel like it but you will. Be as kind to yourself as you can, even be selfish if you need to. I’m very sorry for your loss.

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