Given up on life...

[Mariemarie133]

Hi,

So, Tuesday I started bleeding at roughly 6 weeks. Was lightish until yesterday. Today i've felt ill (like a cold, which it could be) and passed a clot. Have refused to see any medical people. I just don't care anymore. They want to check for ectopic, but my bleeding is red and had a clot about an hour ago which wouldn't happen if it were ectopic. Just want it to end. I've been on the sofa all day and this morning I wanted to die (I don't think i'd do anything, I was just mentally drained). I just needed to get this off my chest.

I doubt it is ectopic and I'm 'happy' miscarrying at home. Just dunno what to do in the meantime. It's hit me hard x

[Marriageoftrueminds]

I miscarried this week too at about four or five weeks. I was devastated but I do feel a lot better now. I feel for you. I agree it’s unlikely to be ectopic but probably worth getting checked out? Or at least be aware of the signs so you can act if things seem to be going that way?

Try to be kind to yourself. You WILL feel better soon x

[Cantchooseaname]

Of course it hits you hard, it's an awful experience. You need time to grieve, and heal. I would suggest at some point seeing some medical professionals, just to check all ok.
But being on sofa all day is fine, as are chocolate, wine, whatever helps you through this- you will get through it.
Is your partner around? Take care of yourself.

[PanannyPanoo]

So sorryyou are going through this. have you got someone with you? or someone you can call if you need company and support? It will pass and things will feel more positive in the future. For now though just let yourself feel what you feel and be kind to yourself. I am so sorry you are having to cope with this.

[Mariemarie133]

Thanks for you reply hun. I've looked at ectopic symptoms and due to health anxiety i've created them all lol. I know i'm imagining most of it. It said ectopic is like prune juice but mine's much more consistent with miscarriage blood. I have my scan Wednesday which i'll definitely go to just to get it done with.

I was supposed to have a scan today but I made myself so anxious that I cancelled. I keep having panic attacks and feel so selfish because it's all 'me me me'. It should be about the baby but I don't know why i'm scared for myself.

It's just so confusing. Once this is done we're not going to try again. I can't do it, it's horrible.

So sorry you miscarried hun. Did it last long? Since the clot earlier I've pretty much stopped bleeding which is weird as I've only really had 2 hours combined of heavy bleeding x

[Mariemarie133]

Thanks ladies. I'm alone tonight. My partner and stepson are sleeping over someones because i was too upset. I'm so jealous he has a child and I don't. I didn't want to take it out on them so we agreed I'd stay here on my own. I'm happier that way. I've always dealt with things on my own... i'm weird like that. I do have my phone fully charged in case of an emergency and i'm only 15 mins from the hospital so an ambulance wouldn't take long, although I doubt i'd even call one if I had too. I feel so stupid. Anxiety has just gripped me so much x

[Marriageoftrueminds]

Good idea to go to your scan, then at least you’ll be reassured. I started bleeding last Saturday but only very lightly - the bleeding didn’t become heavy until Monday. I am still bleeding now but it’s definitely slowing down. It’s been like a slightly heavier-than-normal period and there hasn’t been much pain. I at first didn’t want to see a doctor but then I started getting shoulder tip pain and worried about ectopic pregnancy so I went in - but all was fine. I had a scan to confirm and I’m glad I did now.

I sympathise with your feeling that you don’t want to try again. We have been trying for 18 months (this would have been our first) and I said to my husband that I never wanted to try again, too!! But you may change your mind - I can’t believe how much better I feel already. Is there someone there looking after you? I spent all weekend crying in bed, DH had to wait on me! Thinking of you x

[Mariemarie133]

Aw, I do hope this is going to finish for you soon.
Glad I'm not the only one worrying about ectopic. I know it's not but I keep imagining shoulder pain etc and then when I'm distracted it magically goes away!

We've decided we're going to get another dog instead. We've got a 13 week old toy poodle (my last boy was put to sleep in September) and my dogs are like my babies so I'm really happy about that. Sounds mental but i'm actually ok with only having furry babies. I do feel left out as both my sisters are parents and do everything together, but that's no reason to put myself through that again.

It's really nice having someone to talk to going through it too so thank you. My DH is at his stepdads tonight as I wanted to be alone. I haven't had to do anything except go to the toilet and open the oven so i've managed ok. Hoping I wake up better tomorrow as this cold is not helping xx

[Marriageoftrueminds]

A new dog will be lovely and should cheer you up! Just take it a day at a time, you are grieving and it might take time! Thinking of you!