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I didn’t give my baby a burial

(16 Posts)
Tessie22 Wed 25-Oct-17 21:11:37

I need to know I’m not alone. I was 7 +4 and miscarried today. I felt the foetus pass & scooped it out of the toilet. I didn’t know what to do. I sobbed on the bathroom floor& had kept it wrapped in tissue as I didn’t want to flush it away. My partner rushed home to be with me & said we should flush it away, so I let him. Now I just feel an inescapable guilt that I was a wicked person for allowing this to happen; like I abandoned my baby. Please tell me I’m not alone.

PerspicaciaTick Wed 25-Oct-17 21:25:32

I am so sorry you have lost your baby, it is a shocking and heartbreaking experience.

I had several miscarriages and found it very helpful to make a point of marking their existence, however brief. I have a charm bracelet and added a charm for each of them.

I also went to a Saying Goodbye remembrance service at which I cried a lot but left feeling like a weight had lifted.
www.sayinggoodbye.org/

Give yourself plenty of time, be kind to yourself, you are not wicked and you will find your own way through this.

Tessie22 Wed 25-Oct-17 22:06:39

Thank you. I need to tell my 3yo daughter at some point. She was so excited about becoming a sister & sayinggoodbye had a really good video for children, so thank you.

IfeelFloopy Thu 26-Oct-17 14:45:06

Hi Tessie, I am so sorry for your loss. You are not alone. I posted something very similar here nearly 3 weeks ago. You can find my thread here if you want to read it

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/3054061-Miscarriage-at-11-weeks-Very-upset-with-myself

Miscarriage is heartbreaking but flushing after I passed the foetus was by far the most upsetting part for me.

I had some lovely advice in my thread and somebody suggested buying a keepsake to remember my baby by. Although it may seem silly it really did help. 3 weeks on and I still get upset by the whole experience but I have come to terms it now.

Take care of yourself

shopaholic85 Thu 26-Oct-17 14:52:47

I am so sorry for your loss flowers

I remember posting something similar almost 2 years ago when I miscarried at 6wks. I also flushed what passed down the hospital toilet and it was the guilt of this that I found the hardest to deal with. What really helped was, like others have said, is marking my baby's existence. We named them and bought the most beautiful plant. We keep it in the kitchen and every time I see it I remember my lost baby. I have come to terms with it and have a 10mo DD now.

Tessie22 Sat 28-Oct-17 14:07:00

Thank you shopaholic85. It has been so reassuring for me to see I’m not alone in what I did. I’ve bought a bracelet with birthstones on for each member of my family& there’s one on there for the baby I lost. I want her to know that she will always be a part of our family-in spirit at least.

Lotty515 Sun 29-Oct-17 17:00:33

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been through/going through the exact same thing - I was actually out for the evening and passed the foetus in a train station toilet. I had absolutely no idea that I would see anything as the nurses said they couldn't see a baby at all on any of my scans. Heartbroken doesn't quite cover it - I am just trying to be kind to myself and talk to my DH about it. I just want the bleeding to stop so it isn't a constant reminder.

I also felt guilty but we do don't we us women? we are almost programmed to do it to ourselves. I hope you are able to forgive yourself x

MrsHathaway Sun 29-Oct-17 17:13:00

I'm so, sorry for your loss. As pps have said, "flushing my baby" was the most lingeringly awful part of the whole hideous experience, and the part that my guilt is focused on.

Thing is, the guilt thing is nonsense. We didn't cause the loss. We didn't do anything wrong, anything at all. Fate shat on us from a great height for no reason other than pure chance.

Very best wishes for your healing.

DanaLee Mon 06-Nov-17 09:25:10

Hello Tessie,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried this past Friday and was too distraught and in pain to do anything with the remains of my pregnacy. Although I felt some guilt I found comfort in knowing that who we are and our connections to those we love transcends our physical bodies. Although you may not have your baby physically to mourn over your spiritual connection is there and the love you have for your baby can never be taken from you. For me I had never really considered becoming a Mom until this pregnacy so this baby opened my eyes to the beauty of motherhood and possibility for my future. I hope this insight is helpful to you. I'm grateful for websites like this because I don't have anyone to relate to in my life. I will be praying for you and sending you positivity.

Oly5 Mon 06-Nov-17 09:30:42

I’m so sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 8.5 weeks and flushed the sac down the toilet as I passed it on the toilet. I think most people do this. In a matter of fact way, you don’t know when the baby stopped growing and developing, it may have been weeks before... you have nothing to feel guilty for. This wasn’t a viable pregnancy and your body knew that.
Wishing you all the best for the future

pinkingshears Mon 06-Nov-17 09:37:18

Just sending you flowers
I have been there, a number of times, and it is painful, in every way.

You have in no way 'disrespected' the remains of your foetus.
It is difficult to know what else to do, in that situation.
Remember in your heart and soul. Your baby to be was loved.

pinkingshears Mon 06-Nov-17 09:39:29

sorry, posted too soon.

'was loved... and in no way abandoned.
The distress and love pours out of your post.
If you are the sort of person who believes that that little life to be would 'know' then your baby will 'know' that it was loved.

SandmanSlim Mon 06-Nov-17 09:45:21

I miscarried further along and had to sign a piece of paper saying they could cremate the "products of conception". I found that the worst part. It's hard when to you it's your baby but the situation and outside world doesn't allow you to mark their death in the normal way.
I second doing something to mark it someway, it helped me to feel like I had grieved properly. The Japanese have a lovely tradition that I can't remember the name of. I didn't follow it but it helped knowing other cultures recognised the grief I felt. I will see if I can find it.

Waterfeature Mon 06-Nov-17 17:28:16

I’m going through the same, although the baby was so tiny I can’t identify it.

Much sympathy.

Talith Mon 06-Nov-17 17:33:33

I did this at 12 weeks too - just panicked. It's so common. People get squeamish about tiny foetuses and no one knows what to do with them. You ask for advice and people just clam up. You haven't done anything wrong. Not one thing. Like you I wish I'd done things differently but in the grip of pain, loss and panic it's impossible to think clearly. Take care of yourself x

CheesecakeAddict Mon 06-Nov-17 17:37:20

Sending thoughts your way. I went through a miscarriage last year so I kind of know what you are going through. The guilt is a part of the grieving process, but there have been many women who have done the same thing. Check out the miscarriage association as well, they have people you can talk to and I found it comforting to read other people's stories. Give yourself time to grieve and do something symbolic. Me and my partner lit a candle for ours. It can be lonely because other people don't want to talk about it, so find yourself a friend who doesn't mind you talking about it as well.

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