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My sister was due at same time as me, I lost my baby ... struggling to cope.

(12 Posts)
ivywindows Mon 23-Oct-17 10:45:58

Hi all, no idea where to post this but just wondering if someone can give me a good talking if that's what I need ... or perhaps commiserate if not.

I have lost two babies (late miscarriages and too old now to try again) in the last year. For the last one, my sister and I were due at almost exactly the same time, but I of course lost my baby. I am so delighted for her of course, but it has been really devastating for me. As her pregnancy has progressed, I have done my absolute best to see her and keep things 'normal' but it has been very hard, as seeing her is just a constant reminder of what I have lost, when what I need most right now is distraction.

I know I should talk to her about her pregnancy but discussing the aches and pains of late pregnancy for example is just too much for me. I totally sympathise but on the on other hand would do anything to be pregnant too. I just can't seem to find the strength to do it.

My mum and other sisters are now giving me a hard time - suggesting that I call her, and implying that I am being cruel or disinterested. I KNOW I am being a crap sister, I feel so bad about it already, but this pressure makes it worse.

I don't know ... am I being utterly awful? I really am doing my best but I just can't pick up the phone right now and discuss how rubbish she feels as I will just cry. Who will that help? I wish I could be stronger.

Disneyrules Mon 23-Oct-17 11:39:01

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't be hard on yourself. Trust me when I say this you are not being awful whatsoever. And you most certainly are not a cheap sister. I feel like everyone around me are announcing pregnancies and having babies. I came off my pill over 18 months ago and miscarriaged my first baby a couple of months ago. My best friend has just announced she's pregnant, and like you, I could not be more happy for her, but I too feel slight resentment, not at her, but just for the whole situation. Why me? Why did it happen? Could I have done anything different etc? She tells me all her aches and pains and has been keeping me up to date with her experiences and all I can think is, I would love to be feeling like that ! Your mum and sisters really shouldn't be giving you a hard time. They need to put themselves in your shoes have they ever gone through something similar? I honestly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Maybe for the time being text your sister to keep up to date ...your family can't tell how you're feeling over text but in the meantime don't bottle your feelings up. I have found posting on here so so helpful. Whether it's posting on her, if you need a vent, speaking to anyone who will listen and not be judgemental really does help. Feel free to message me on her. And remember, you're not alone, you're not being unreasonable and it most certainly is not okay for your family to be making you feel as if what you're feeling is wrong. It's natural to feel this way...trust me! Xxx

Disneyrules Mon 23-Oct-17 11:40:39

Meant to say *crap not cheap... think I need to go back to bed...or learn to proof read what I've written....predictive text for you xxx

MarshaBrady Mon 23-Oct-17 11:41:27

No you are not being awful, it is understandable and natural. It works both ways, they need to extend kindness to you too, what you are going through is incredibly hard.

OurMiracle1106 Mon 23-Oct-17 11:43:27

You are not being a crap sister. Maybe you do need to say to your sister that it’s very hard for you whilst you are grieving to be around pregnant women and New babies as it reminds you of what you have lost but that you are delighted for her and love her and the baby very much.

Maybe see your sister after the conversation as she is probably moaning like she normally would and hasn’t realised how much it hurts you

flowers

ivywindows Mon 23-Oct-17 12:08:03

Thanks everybody - if you are on here I am assuming you have experienced loss (and Disney, you say you have) and I am so sorry, it's hideous.

It's so helpful to know that I am not being totally pathetic. I think my family feels that by now I should be moving on and in one sense I am doing my absolute best to do that, but on the other hand as the due date gets closer, it is extremely hard.

If my sister's baby wasn't due at the same time, I could perhaps try not to think about it. But for example I need to get a present for the new baby and I can hardly bear even to go on line to choose something. It's not at all that I am sad about my sister's baby, you're absolutely right miracle, I will love that baby very much. I just long to be choosing stuff for my baby too.

I really wish my mum would stop giving me a hard time because I don't feel like chatting with my sister right now.

HipToBeSquare Mon 23-Oct-17 12:10:52

I've had two mc. First one was due when my cousin was and second when my bf was. I had a cry when cousin's baby was born (I wasn't pregnant) and a cry when bf told me she was pregnant as I'd mc 2 weeks earlier.

It's really hard, plus you will be hormonal still.

Go easy on yourself flowers

MagicFajita Mon 23-Oct-17 12:18:51

Your mum is being very unfair. The way you feel is completely valid.

My partner and I had a late miscarriage last year and I had a few colleagues due around the same time my baby should've arrived. It broke my heart when their births were announced , I took to smiling through the pain as that was all I could do. It took several months for me to feel ready to visit my colleague and bring her baby a gift.

For you op , it is even more difficult as this is your sister and of course you wish her and her dc well.

I'd be seriously tempted to tell your mum to back off . How dare she make you feel bad about your grief?

I'm so sorry for your losses op , and fwiw it sounds like you're doing well to tolerate extremely difficult circumstances.

Take care.

ivywindows Mon 23-Oct-17 12:18:57

Hip, I'm so sorry. I do think people try to empathise but I'm not sure you truly get it unless you have actually been through it. One of the things that happens I think is that they think you are sad about their baby when in fact you are sad about yours!

ivywindows Mon 23-Oct-17 12:24:00

Thanks magic, and again, I am so sorry for your loss, it's unbearable. I am psyching myself up to go and see the baby shortly after it is born. I don't think I will be able to live with myself if I don't, but I also don't know at this moment how I am going to get through it.

I'm dreading seeing another sister soon, who struggled to get pregnant with her first baby. It was horrible for her and I understand that but she keeps telling me because of that experience, she knows how I feel, and I will get over it soon, because she did.

I don't want to make this into some sort of hierarchy of grief, but I really want to point out to her that taking a while to get pregnant and thinking you might not is absolutely horrible, but it is a different kind of sadness to losing two longed for babies in fairly quick succession.

EnoughisEnough1204 Tue 24-Oct-17 17:41:22

Hi Ivy. I have had 1 mc and 2mmc over the last six months. I am also older with no children so am starting to face the reality that this might not be happening for us. I don't think that you are being a crap sister at all. You are in a horrible situation as the " what might have been" is being played out right in front of you instead of in your head. I agree with OurMiracle and if you feel able, don't think it would be unreasonable to explain how you are feeling to your sister. In regard to your Mum, perhaps a firmer word might be in order. I am very sorry for your recent losses and think that you are being very brave in very difficult circumstances.

Maryann1975 Tue 24-Oct-17 22:34:24

My miscarriage was 10 years ago. A really close friend (Gemma) who had a dd the same age as my dd, confided her pregnancy to me and then I excitedly told her we would be due our second Babies within a week of each other. The next week I miscarried. There was no way I could face her, it broke my heart to even think about how we should have been going through our pgs together. I haven’t spoken to her since.
I got quite a hard time from another friend as Gemma and her family moved away, I had been the only one in our group she had ever been completely comfortable with and without me, she didn’t have a close friend, she felt dreadful and didn’t know how to approach me and felt too awkward to stay around the village we lived in. It was a really sad situation.
I know exactly how you feel. Are you close to any of your other sisters? Can you speak to them about how you are feeling, get them onside and get them to tell your mum to back off and help you explain to pg sister what the problem is. I think you are right that unless you have been through miscarriage, you have no idea how it can affect you.
flowers for you

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