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Feeling alone after loss at 5 weeks

(10 Posts)
Disneyrules Sun 15-Oct-17 01:41:33

I've never posted on one of these before however I'm desperate for some words of wisdom or someone to atleast talk to who has gone through this. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks, coming up to 2 months ago, having tried to conceive for over a year.

I feel at such a loss, and so down. I have an amazing set of friends and my mum who I know I can talk to....however I feel pathetic that I'm still crying over it and part of me is beating myself up that I'm still crying over it. My husband isnt much of a talker and doesn't really talk about it and just tells me to stop thinking negative all the time. I feel like he doesn't understand how I'm feeling....yet I know deep down he must be hurting too.

My mother in law has no idea that we were trying for a baby let alone that I was pregnant and she continually points out (normally at family gatherings in front of everyone) how I haven't given her a grandchild yet and that we need to have babies etc. This makes me feel like a complete failure and it's a constant reminder and kick in the teeth. I don't want to tell her about what has happened as it's none of her business and I'm quite a private person...any advice? My husband says i need to tell her just to shut up...im not like that though. Its eating me up inside and genuinely feel like what with the anxiety and constant feeling that I'm a huge failure that I'm never going to get pregnant. sad

Peppaismysaviour Sun 15-Oct-17 01:49:14

I have no experience or advice but just know you are not a failure and it's ok to give yourself time to heal.
Mumsnet is a wonderful place where even in the early hours people are here and listening and someone will be along soon with advice or experience. In the mean time have some flowers x

BrokenBattleDroid Sun 15-Oct-17 02:16:26

I'm so sorry you're going through this flowers. It sucks doesn't it? No real words of wisdom except to say that so many more women than you would ever realise have been where you are right now. I say that not to invalidate your feelings but so you maybe feel less alone - it's more common than you think but so many women suffer in private (many will have gone on to have babies but I don't know if that feels comforting or like I'm rubbing your face in it).

You will come through this, but it's important to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to go at the pace your body/brain sets. If you feel pressure to suck it up then it's just being swept under the carpet. Early pregnancy loss IS a big deal, even more so when compounded by concern about infertility. You're allowed to be scared, struggling, emotional and all the rest, totally normal.

Probably totally normal for your DH to not be feeling it as acutely as you too, it's not his body taking the toll or experiencing the hormonal ups and downs after all. No excuse for being insensitive though... and perhaps HE should tell his mum to shut up?! If he's not around then "err that's a bit of a personal question" said in a firm and slightly cross tone. No apology from you, and ball firmly in her court for the next comment, which if she has any manners will be a sorry of some sort, never to be mentioned again!

Disneyrules Sun 15-Oct-17 02:30:34

Thank you, it genuinely feels so much better just being able to talk about it.

I am the kind of person who does normally just suck it up and put on a brave face. This is why I think Im a bit shocked and almost punishing myself at why im feeling like this. I never thought in my wildest dreams it would have this much of an effect on me and to be honest I just feel like everywhere I turn it's in my face...whether it's my best friend who has just told me she's pregnant or silly things like adverts on the tv or seeing babies out and about when I'm shopping.

It's hard for it not to consume every minute of every day....and I'm really really trying not to let it. I've got an amazing family (apart from my sometimes insensitive mother in law), friends etc....just don't want to feel like this anymore as it's very much against my nature xx

Bluebellwoods123 Sun 15-Oct-17 07:59:57

It took me six months to feel ok after my early miscarriage. I felt I was riding a dreadful hormonal rollercoaster for about 4 months after but thankfully the hormones did settle down and emotionally I began to feel better. And yes it does feel like everywhere there are babies and pregnant women.
It's not a small loss/heavy period or to be diminished in anyway by anyone it was your baby. You will always remember and think of your baby but others won't unfortunately.
With regard to your mil get your DH to tell her very firmly to stop asking about babies. If she doesn't stop avoid her until you're feeling more robust. I told anyone who asked me about having a baby that I was too busy enjoying life so wasn't going to have any, it wasn't true but it stopped the questions. I haven't experienced difficulty in trying to conceive but my loss was an accidental pregnancy so no chance of trying again which made it all feel very hopeless to me. I am so sorry you are going through this x

AbigailsMummy13 Sun 15-Oct-17 10:39:12

I'm really sorry for your loss. I've had a missed miscarriage this week at 13weeks, after TTC for over a year and I'm finding it really hard to deal with. We have told people about our miscarriage as we had already announced our pregnancy after a scan the week before. It has helped a lot that people know what we are going through, although I'm finding that people just don't know what to say and when they say nothing that's hard. I'm sorry that this is probably not much help to you, but your not alone.
S xx

Hopefulinbalham Sun 15-Oct-17 12:33:51

I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone too - although I agree that it’s a lonely time. I just think people don’t know how to deal with it even though they don’t mean to be insensitive. I didn’t really want to tell my mum but I’m glad I did as it’s avoided comments about having children. I think your MIL would be horrified if she knew what had happened and realised what she’d been saying. She’s really just trying to find out your plans without asking explicitly. Perhaps you could think about telling her so she’ll ease off?
It’s only been 3 weeks for me and I’m feeling very up and down, and am finding the recovery exhausting. Everyone deals with things in different ways and so I think you should be easy on yourself with how you go through the grieving process, but it might help to have things to look forward to. Can you plan some things to look forward to?
Have you read the book on miscarriage by Lesley Regan? It has done helpful things in it and is a really clear and easy read written in a really nice tone. Please don’t blame yourself-most early miscarriages are due to chromosome abnormalities: nothing could change that. The book also talks about recurrence - which is very low. It gives hope.
Sending best wishes, x

Lotty515 Sun 15-Oct-17 15:04:37

I am so sorry for your loss. I have a suspected missed miscarriage and feel exactly as you do. Please you must not blame yourself, as women we do this so much but we shouldn't. The human body is an amazing thing but sometimes the pieces just don't fit and it is no one's fault. I have read lots of postive news stories on Mumsnet from other women who have gone on the conceive after a MC and have healthy babies.

With regards to your MIL comments I actually find being honest works best for me - there are some great articles covering the topic - maybe email her?

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/oct/12/what-to-say-somebody-miscarried-loss-baby?CMP=fb_gu

If she doesn't stop with her questions after this then maybe try and excuse yourself from family gatherings for a while. MC is often a taboo subject but if people spoke out more we would all gain strength from each other. I wish you all the very best xx

webster144 Mon 16-Oct-17 12:14:39

Hi OP, I found out last week that I too have miscarried at 5 weeks and I am feeling alone too, despite having a loving partner, but there’s only so much he can say and he’s beginning to run out of words...

I completely understand what you’re going through, and my heart breaks for yourself and others that are going through what I’m feeling and the physical and emotional side of a miscarriage, this last week I feel I have felt every negative feeling under the sun and I don’t know when it’ll stop. I feel like my world is standing still right now and I’m sure you do too... sad

I find myself crying randomly, and despite trying to be positive I have this horrible sadness hanging over me like a black cloud.
I have been back and forth the last few days for bloods at the hospital since this all happened and have spoken to midwifes who have all been lovely and very positive and said I should start trying again ASAP once the bleeding has stopped and whenever I feel comfortable, and that’s what I plan on doing, and you should too!

Although these horrible feelings may not leave us for a while, please do not beat yourself up about it. Easier said than done myself as this last week I have gone over everything I could have done wrong to have caused this and I am ultimately blaming myself despite everyone telling me this wasn’t my fault.

In regards to your partner, some men can deal with things differently and you know deep down he will be hurting too as it was his baby aswell. They may not show their emotions in the best way, but remember to love and support him aswell, you both need someone at this terrible time. If I’m completely honest, when I told my partner I was pregnant he wasn’t excited at all, he wouldn’t talk about it and the was in a trance for a good week. Despite not using any contraception and have spoken lots of babies in the past and he expressed how much he wanted a baby as equally as much as me, I literally watched the blood drain from his face when I told him. Then when I unfortunately miscarried, he shed tears and said he really did want a baby. Which made this situation even harder. Since last week, he has been kind and loving and has run rings around me doing everything for me and although this situation is heartbreaking it has definitely brought us closer, I couldn’t have managed this week without him as he has been my shoulder to cry on and it has made our love stronger. He has said several times since then that he wants to try for another baby. I believe everything happens for a reason. He may not have wanted a baby at first, but since our horrible loss he has decided he has and can’t wait to try for another. Please give lots of love to your partner tonight and tell him how much you love him, he will open up to you eventually and you both need to support each other right now! The worst thing you can do is not speak to each other and close yourself off, he may need a little love to open up and talk.

Also, do not think you are a failure, my partner won’t stop telling me that. You have not failed anyone, you have lots of time to try again, and I have heard many wonderful stories since reaching out myself that many women conceived either straight away again or after one or two cycles.

Chin up honey, and don’t beat yourself up. Your time will come again (as will mine) and you are not alone in this. flowers

If you want to chat feel free to message me x

Disneyrules Thu 19-Oct-17 21:32:21

Just wanted to say thank you so so much to the people who have sent me lovely messages on here. I never thought I would seek comfort by posting on a forum like this, I cannot stress enough that if anyone is going through a similar situation as I have then talking on a forum like this really really helps. I have my ups and downs and I have good and bad days. I know that blaming myself and feeling like a failure is not the answer, and I now know that beating myself up about having bouts of sadness is not the answer. If anyone reading this needs someone to talk to please message me, Honestly, speaking from personal experience it's helped me no end talking to you lovely ladies. I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject, it's only when you go on a forum like this that you realise just how many people are going through the same thing. No one should feel lonely at a time like this. Sending you all loves and hugs xxx

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