I've posted this story in threads elsewhere but don't want to dripfeed so I'll write as much as I can now.
I had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery at 7 weeks pregnant in March this year, after 6 years of wanting a sibling for DD1. This year has been totally crap - apart from my ectopic, my brother passed away aged 34 from bowel cancer and I lost my job two months ago. I've been coping ok with the ectopic but my other losses seem to have triggered deeper feelings of despair over my miscarriage and whether I will ever have another DC.
My DH has always been on the fence about extending our family and although he was unsure when we became pregnant this year, he seemed to turn a corner a bit and change his mind about us having another. Obviously it would have been extra hard now being 36 weeks pregnant with no job, so in some ways I guess it was a blessing in disguise that we didn't ever have the second DC.
I feel like my feelings deep down are utter despair and I feel totally distraught at the thought of never having any more children. I know we realistically can't afford any more at this moment in time, but I honestly thought I had my second chance and things were finally going to work for me.
I love my DD with all my heart and am eternally grateful for her and everything I do have. I guess I just swing from feelings of accepting I won't ever have any more to total frustration, anger and sadness that other friends etc have managed to have several children a couple of years apart, with no (outward) issues and no other personal crises like family bereavements etc.
I know it is so easy to be sucked into feelings of longing and depression after a loss, but I honestly can't see myself ever being able to keep going with any hope. After my surgery, the surgeon said I had a good remaining fallopian tube and a good chance of future pregnancies. The thought of another miscarriage and loss / ectopic with future pregnancies would always be at the back of my mind and I don't know if I could deal with that to be honest.
Part of me wants to just forget the whole idea of ever having any more children, and avoiding any future heartbreak, but another part wants to keep the hope in my heart that I will reach 40 (I'm 36) and be able to give my daughter the sibling I want to give her. I do worry about the age gap being too big (she is 6 now) but I guess things may work out ok if the age gap wasn't too huge.
I am so fed up of putting on a brave face about this to my DH too, he was just bloody glad I survived the ectopic and doesn't seem as upset as me about the loss.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Heartbroken after ectopic and 6 years wanting DC2
NooNooHead1981 · 26/09/2017 14:52
Thank you for your kind reply, it was very sweet. 
I'm ok thank you... just trying to keep going on a day-to-day basis. Funnily enough, about 10 minutes ago, I looked out of my window and could see two of my neighbours having a mothers' meeting in the street with their babies - one has twins, the other has a younger one. I nearly cried as it triggered lots of feelings, but I didn't want to cry in front of DD so I have run upstairs to take solace in MN. 
I feel like I can never escape from the pain of being so close to my dream of another DC. TO be honest, it may impact quite a lot on my mental health if I did have another, so in many ways, I would probably be sensible to stick with just one. I think the heartbreak of my ectopic and my DB loss would be forever magnified and the holes in my heart from them would probably never really heal.
I don't know... I'm just letting off steam. Thanks for listening
You've had a really terrible time. Your brother dying at such an early age is totally tragic. 
When you feel a bit better after some time has passed think about the other things in your life.. The surgeon has said you have a good chance of another baby if that's what you decide. And you've got one child who you love very much.
Don't feel you have to put a brave face on at the moment. I agree with waiting a few months and then making a decision about what you want to do. .
Thank you, no offence taken. It is pants at times but I think things are meant to happen for a reason. I'm sure it will all be ok, I guess I am having a bad day as you say and can't see the woods for the trees.
Maybe I do need to reflect on things more, find a job, be more proactive and get out there and live a little instead of moping so much. I think the hardest thing is trying to remain positive despite all the adversity but I think talking to others about my feelings really helps and puts things in perspective.
Yes, my DB is probably looking down on me now having a ball with my grandparents and my little baby.
Thank you Vivienne - very good advice. There is always a silver lining, and selling off my brother's things to help pay the bills at the moment sounds crass but I know he would have wanted me to be happy and he would have been ok with it.
I do know deep down that waiting and reconsidering things in my life is the best thing to do, but I've never been a very patient person at all. [grins] I guess the thought of waiting another year or two is making me really impatient, but good things do come to those who wait. And who knows, maybe this year's adversity will be the best thing that happened to me... 
Absolutely they are OP. And don't ever think you're moping. We all need time to concentrate on ourselves so we can be better women/ mums/ friends/ generally more sane people lol xX
You're really brave and I'm thinking of you, enjoy what you've got and one thing you're definitely not short on is time lovely xx 
Thank you NameChange - I am ok, probably very depressed actually but I do put a brave face on it every day as I know people get fed up with my whinging, and say things like 'Things will look up', 'Just keep applying for jobs' etc. Actually my DF said he didn't want me to have any more DC as I had a very difficult labour and emergency CS with my DD1, so he doesn't (understandably) want any more worry with his own DC!
I guess people don't always get what they want, although I'm so pleased that things worked out for you NameChange. I hope you are ok following your ectopic and rupture too, and are healing well in every sense.
Awwww Noonoo being aware of what you need is half the battle lovely :-)
Not much comfort but remember that story about if every man put all his problems into one pot and had to take an equal share of said pot home... turns out they'd rather keep their own problems. Not to trivialise your problems but I can guarantee there are millions who'd be envious of you. You're stronger than you know now go and enjoy your lovely little family, good health, and take a break for yourself and your head. Decide about your baby later, you need real rest and time lovely xx
Thank you so much Jen and Non - your replies have made me feel all teary! I am going to put the kettle on and then enjoy a pizza with my family and say thank you for all I have
update us when you need a vent. Pizza n family ?! ..... atta girl !! xx 
Just so you know I had DS1 at 28, followed by 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth, before DS2 at 37 (so a 9 year gap) and they are probably closer than close in age siblings because there is no direct rivalry.
I am sorry for what you have been going through but you never know what may be in your future. I hope it has a happy ending like mine.
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