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Feel like a lost cause

(20 Posts)
Frazzlerock Fri 22-Sep-17 15:22:35

Apologies if you've seen this already. I posted in Mental Health yesterday, but not had a reply.

I don't know whether this belongs in Miscarriage/babyloss or mental health.

I'm totally lost. We lost two babies last year (early miscarriages. One missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and another at about 5 weeks) and I am in absolute despair about not being able to try again. DP absolutely refuses due to 1. not being able to afford another child (I have two older DC from previous marriage) and 2, he never wanted a child of his own.

Our first baby was a big surprise but, after the initial shock, we both fell in love with the idea. When we lost our precious baby we tried again and amazing fell pregnant quickly (despite years of fertility issues in the past due to PCOS), But we lost that one too.

DP then decided he didn't want to try again. Apart from a weekend a few weeks ago when he changed his mind for 24 hours (and I was the happiest I have been for a long time), he has point blank refused and cannot cope with my depression and inability to move on, caused by not being able to hold our rainbow baby.

Every single day is a massive struggle for me. I'm triggered constantly. Being around other pregnant women and newborns kills me. I feel like I have been at rock bottom since he made his decision and I don't know how to get out.
I've seen various counsellors and had CBT but nothing seems to touch the surface. One therapist even said "you just need to have another baby" and discharged me.

I know I have to help myself, that it is my fault I am feeling like this. But I literally have no idea how to even begin to get out of this darkness.

I'm on Fluoxitine, and don't fancy increasing the dose as there has got to be a better way to get out of this without resorting to drugs for the rest of my life.

DP is depressed too now as he knows he can't give me my ultimate dream, despite me telling him I want to make peace with it.

It's ruined the relationship between me and his dad because his dad refuses to try to understand me, despite suffering from depression himself on and off for years. This in turn has caused DP to be stuck in the middle. Even though I am trying my best with his dad, and apologise constantly for my pain and grief.

I'm at such a loss. I want to get better so much but I don't know how.

I don't know how to stop my insides aching and twisting every single time I see a pregnant woman. I just want it all to stop and to be happy again.
So much so that I have wished so many times that I don't wake up again.

We were blissfully happy before we lost our first baby and I hadn't really experienced depression (or grief for that matter) before. I want that feeling back so very much.

Combinationkeys Fri 22-Sep-17 15:36:14

Frazzle I am really sorry that times are still very hard for you. I remember reading your story in the midst of my own mc in March and feeling so heartbroken for you as your pain is so obvious.
Frazzle, do you want this relationship to continue? If a baby isn't on the cards anymore, perhaps you need to let him go so that you can heal as you need to get better. It's his choice not to have a baby but you get to choose too. You can choose to move on from him so that you don't have to live with the constant reminder that you won't have a child with him. I am sorry if I have spoken out of turn.

SchnitzelVonCrummsTum Fri 22-Sep-17 19:32:08

I agree with everything Combinationkeys says. I also wonder if you would find it helpful to post on Relationships about this as well - by all means keep posting here, but I think you would get insights from women who have faced similar although not identical situations in which their wish for a child is in direct conflict with their partner's.

I hope this gets better for you soon, one way or another. x

Hopefulinbalham Fri 22-Sep-17 19:48:42

I also agree with the last 2 posts. I have had my own share of relationship heartache although thankfully not any more. It's so important to want the same things as your life partner, and to be able to talk about that openly and honestly. Counselling may be worthwhile so that you can each understand where the other is coming from? I have a poor relationship with my parents and it took me a long time to realise that just because that's my experience, it didn't mean that my children would feel that way about me. Perhaps there's something which sits at the root of his decision which would be worth exploration with someone who is trained to help work out your feelings?
I experienced depression when I split up with a long term ex boyfriend. I had to confront it with counselling and that took time. Only then did I come to terms with it. There's no shame in seeking help if you need it. I had a miscarriage this week and felt the despondency that comes with depression. I hope I won't go there again but I think seeking help from professional guards against it. Do whatever you can to help yourself and make it your priority. Life is so short. You will be happy again. It takes time, but it will come.

Chivey Fri 22-Sep-17 22:30:00

I agree you might get some good advice in Relationships - ultimately this comes down to you wanting a baby and him not - do you love him and want to be with him enough to give up on ever having another child? It's so hard. Good luck with whatever you decide, sounds like counselling will definitely you help work out what you want.

Frazzlerock Mon 25-Sep-17 15:38:51

Thank you for your messages and sorry it's taken a few days to respond.

I've posted in Relationships before and I've felt attacked for my feelings and, the way I am now, It is safer if I post here because people here 'get it' and are more empathetic and kind.

I don't know anymore if I want this relationship to continue. I don't know how much more I can take to be perfectly honest. But I also don't know how to break off a relationship where two people are actually really in love with eachother.
Its like splitting up would be the best for us both, but we don't know how to stop desperately wanting to be together at the same time.

His problem is his family being insensitive and not allowing me to just 'be'. He also has terrible guilt about not being able to agree to a baby.

My problem is I can't shake this absolute heartbreaking desperation to hold our baby in my arms.

I just wish so much I could go back to how we were before we lost our first baby. When we met I was perfectly fine with him not wanting his own children, and I was happy with my two. I have no idea how to be that person again.

There are three pregnancies in my small office and I dread going into work every single day and do my best to avoid them, for fear of breaking down at work.
Now my line manager has just told me his wife is pregnant, literally just told me. He didn't know how to tell me as he knows my triggers. I gave him my best, but have been in tears (luckily I am at home today). I just want this feeling to leave me.

But I also want to hold our rainbow baby more than I want to breath.

I've had various counselling since he made his decision, no one really knows what to do with me.

I feel like I'm grieving for my babies, and our Rainbow. All baby loss support groups bang on about trying again, and I'm just sitting there going, "how the hell will I heal then?" "Why do you all get to keep trying?"

I don't even want anyone else's rainbow. Even if we were to split, I'd still be rainbow less. I'm 38, it took me 6 years to meet DP. Either I stay with him and not have a baby, or I leave him and still not have one.

Ultimately, I just want his family to leave me alone, and stop trying to silence me, and stop being cruel. Just let me be, let me grieve the ones we've lost and the one I'll never have. Stop making things so difficult. So much so that DP breaks down in tears with the frustration of it all. So much so that he says "fuck the lot of you".
I don't even know what I've done wrong. All I've done is miss my babies and feel horribly anxious around other pregnancies. Why can't they just accept that? They don't need to understand it, just accept it. Accept that I need my space and a little bit of empathy.

I've got my first bereavement counselling session on Thursday, I just hope they know what to do with me.

After being told about this new pregnancy at work, I wish I could sob my heart out to DP tonight, but I wouldn't dare. I'll have to wait until my counselling.

Combinationkeys Mon 25-Sep-17 15:56:42

oh dear Frazzle, that must have been so hard to write.
Frazzle because you are giving so much headspace to his family and his feelings, you hardly have anything left for yourself.
I understand you don't want to break off but I really think you need to give yourself some space from him and his family to heal and nurture yourself regardless of how long and what it takes.

Frazzlerock Mon 25-Sep-17 16:20:42

You're right, I have nothing left for myself. But I am still selfish according to DP. I am still inconsiderate, and I am still unappreciative, despite thanking him genuinely for every single thing he does for us. He could fart and I'd thank him.

Despite loving eachother, I don't think I will ever meet his expectations.

And then there's the practical side of splitting up. I don't think I'd know where to begin. Neither of us can afford to live separately as everything we have goes into this house. We'd have to live together until we sell, and then I doubt a bank would lend me money for a mortgage on my own on my income.

And then what? I'l have lost my babies, my future baby, and now the man I love. I just don't know how much heartbreak one person can physically and emotionally take.

I'm so stuck sad

juneau Mon 25-Sep-17 16:25:40

I think you need to get yourself some therapy OP. Your DH sounds like he's not going to change his mind, so either you split up with him or you try and find some way to get over this longing you feel and reconcile yourself to the life you have. Either way, you it sounds like your sanity is at risk here - get help now.

juneau Mon 25-Sep-17 16:28:36

As for 'no-one knows that to do with you', you need grief therapy. You are grieving your two miscarriages and unable to move on. Perhaps The Miscarriage Association could help you?

Combinationkeys Mon 25-Sep-17 16:34:17

Frazzle I don't want to say anything about your DP because that's not gonna help you. You are nothing what he says you are. You are a good person who has been dealt with a shitty hand and got stuck at a really hard place.

But you can get out of there. You have to get out of there. You can't carry on like this. You deserve to give yourself a chance to have a better life because what you are living is no life. If you can't afford to separate right now then start making a plan for a year's time. Start saving money, start looking elsewhere where there are cheaper properties, start looking for a job elsewhere etc. Start making a plan to break free. Only you can heal your heartbreak. I promise you can get out if you want and you can be happy. But you need to make a move.

Combinationkeys Mon 25-Sep-17 16:35:42

Don't be sad love. It's unbearable today but it won't always be like this.

Loopytiles Mon 25-Sep-17 16:41:16

I think you need to respect DP's decision to not have any more DC and concentrate on your health, parenting, and addressing the relationship problems.

So you already have three DC? A "rainbow baby" would have been amazing, but would be unlikely to help with all the other things going on, including with your mental health: quite the opposite.

I have had mcs, fewer DC than I would've liked, and MH problems. It's hard to "move on", but unless you want to be a single parent is the best option IMO.

Frazzlerock Mon 25-Sep-17 16:54:50

Oh I totally 100% respect his decision. It is why I have been trying desperately to get help all this time. I want to make peace with his decision and get rid of this horribly debilitating feeling.

I have never once forced DP to try to change his mind, not once. He has changed his mind once or twice, which did me absolutely no favours whatsoever.

Loopytiles I have two living DC, and two lost DC. Both of who we lost in quick succession of eachother.

I have also suffered with PCOS and struggled hugely to conceive my DC, it is why I was so amazed, to be pregnant with the two we lost. I feel like I should have known better not to be so excited about those babies.

Yep, I am getting myself some more therapy, Thursday I am hoping will help as it is specific to bereavement.

Just wish his family would back off and stop making things worse for us. They don't understand my feelings but I don't understand why they are so intent on being cruel and holding me back. I'd have thought they would want me to get better.

I've been a single parent before, it was good. But I hadn't met anyone who I truly loved before. materialistically we have a better life, but financially not so much.

I want to get better, just haven't found the way yet. I think I'm expecting a magic wand to wave over me during the night and to wake up feeling wonderful again. Wouldn't that be lovely.
Generally I am ok, and smiley and happy. Deep down though I am drowning.

juneau Mon 25-Sep-17 17:43:45

There won't be a magic wand, but it's very positive that you're reaching out for help, realise you need it, and WANT to recover your old equilibrium - those things are all very positive and show that you're not really drowning. You feel like you are, but you're able to get up and put a brave face on and that is a really good sign. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it, being able to fake it and having the self awareness of what you need to do is a good sign OP.

Frazzlerock Thu 28-Sep-17 09:06:35

Today's the day I have my bereavement counselling. I actually feel sorry for the therapist, I wonder if they know what they are letting themselves in for...

I just feel quite negative as other therapies haven't worked and I wonder what this one can do/say that is any different to others. It's like I just need a bloody lobotomy or something.

SchnitzelVonCrummsTum Thu 28-Sep-17 19:01:20

How did the session go Frazzle? flowers

Hopefulinbalham Thu 28-Sep-17 19:54:59

I hope the session went well.
I don't imagine that it was a golden bullet because bereavement/grief is a process with stages that you need to work through, and you need to get to know the counsellor.
Hopefully you can take comfort that you've taken some steps to help yourself; and you might feel a bit lighter to have shared your feelings with someone.
Give yourself time because it won't come overnight. It's likely to be more of a gradual shift with you feeling better by taking small steps every day.

Frazzlerock Fri 29-Sep-17 09:51:57

Hi guys, the session went well. I feel a bit more positive that I can finally get the help I need. It was more of an 'intro' to find out if it is what I need and the therapist agreed it is. So I begin on Monday afternoon.

I also went to my first SANDS meeting last night which has really lifted my mood. They made me feel so welcome and 'normal'. They made me feel like my feeling are entirely valid and perfectly normal. I was worried they would think I was a fraud as my babies died when they were so little, but they were brilliant and told me that my babies were my babies, no matter what stage they died.
That was a huge relief as people on MN have reprimanded me for even beginning to see my babies as babies, when people have had stillborns or lost a baby in infancy. Now I know my babies were real and I am absolutely right to grieve for them and acknowledge them.

I just feel a bit brighter today. It may not last, but I will embrace it while it does

Monkeytree Fri 29-Sep-17 19:44:39

Hi Frazzle, glad to hear that your session went well. It can be a relief to talk about it can't it and also with the SANDS meet up, to be amongst others who truly understand. Ignore the reprimands; your babies were real and it is also about all the hopes and dreams that go along with this, not matter what stage of loss. I spent the best part of a year having bereavement counselling and it helped me immensely; sometimes, I wish I was still receiving counselling because it helped me to deal with other areas of my life which were additional stressors on top of the loss. Good luck and all the best with it Frazzle.

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