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Miscarried, then found out about my husband's secret cocaine habit.

(9 Posts)
Dotty85 Wed 23-Aug-17 12:30:21

Just that really.

I've googled for ages to find someone going through the same, but it seems my husband is a real unique kind of arsehole. (Am I allowed to use words like that here? First-timer, sorry for any offence!)

Anyway, we found out we were expecting as a huge shock at the end of June. The poor thing only survived for two more weeks from this point. My stupid body didn't bother to tell me this, but a scan at 10 weeks confirmed it. Utterly heartbreaking.

A week after this, I had my D&C, and two days after that, discovered my husband's 18 month (min) cocaine habit. Turns out, this isn't great for fetal development. Shocker.

I know I can't be certain, but on top of the grief and betrayal, I now blame my husband for the miscarriage. We were not trying, so he couldn't have known, but still, I believe his cocaine use was the reason the fetus couldn't develop.

He's extremely remorseful, full of self-loathing etc. but I've heard a lot of this before. He wants to check himself into residential care under a clinical psychologist. We'll see.

And the purpose of this thread? I'm not really sure. I hoped to find some other poor sod who had been through similar, but that seems unlikely. I guess this is just a space to anonymously vent. I'm so utterly ashamed of him, I don't really want to speak to 'real' humans.

PotteringAlong Wed 23-Aug-17 12:37:38

I think I'd start a thread in relationships because I don't think this is actually about your miscarriage but more whether your marriage will survive his lying and drug use.

I think you might have to leave, and leave him to sort himself out, and then decide whether there's a future there.

angelinheaven Wed 23-Aug-17 13:03:07

I just wanted to say I feel for you and your pain, it is hard enough going through a miscarriage but then to have to do it all on your own. Maybe you need time on your own to grieve your loss and then you can decide what you want to do relationship wise. Don't rush take as long as you need, I've been in similar circumstances and nearly 3 years down the line I can't forget or forgive and I'm better on my own.
Take care of yourself and you come first xx

KerryLeanne84 Wed 23-Aug-17 14:09:01

I'm so so so sorry this has happened to you Dotty. How horrendous.

Please do vent here, I know how important it is.


Tilapia Wed 23-Aug-17 19:17:31

What a horrendous experience. Thinking of you OP.

Dotty85 Wed 23-Aug-17 19:51:57

Thank you for your kind replies x

K0013 Wed 23-Aug-17 21:43:55

Thinking of you Dotty, I'm so sorry for your loss x

ferntwist Sat 26-Aug-17 08:11:33

So sorry to hear about your loss Dotty. I'd heard that cannabis smoking can harm sperm DNA so I'm sure cocaine can too. It's not much consolation but our consultant told us nine out of 10 chromosomal problems are due to the egg, rather than the sperm. I hope your next pregnancy - whether with this partner or another - goes well and that your current partner gets the help he needs.

JaneEyre70 Sat 26-Aug-17 08:15:20

So sorry for your loss. And what a shock to find out about your DH. Has he been honest about how much he's using, the cost etc and when/where he's doing it? I have to say, that would be an instant deal breaker for me. Drug users are very adept liars.

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