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Husband useless after MC

(18 Posts)
Renaissance18 Sat 05-Aug-17 16:04:01

Hello Ladies,

Not sure what I'm after or just need to vent. Currently recovering from first MC at 6 weeks. Pregnancy was rubbish timing etc but it's still be an absolutely traumatic couple of weeks.

My main gripe comes from how blooming useless DP has been. When we first found out it wasn't to be he was 'if we make it a big deal, it becomes a big deal' and 'millions of women go through this, you'll be fine' which at the time I appreciated because I didn't want a massive fuss; just wanted it to be over.

Then it's actually happened and it's affected me more than I thought. He just doesn't seem to 'get it' I feel yuck physically and emotionally, I can't get comfortable etc and he seems to think it's business as usual- even suggesting his mother comes over for the weekend. I also had the gem of him asking if I fancied some 'relations' this morning! I kid you not. When I told him no he then asked when I'd be up for it?!? 😨😨

I've tried talking to him about it all but he gets quite defensive saying I'm having a go at him and it's not his fault etc etc. And while I know I'm full of hormones, I could literally smack him right now!

Anyone else had this? Been driven to murder? Etc etc xx

OP’s posts: |
ferntwist Sat 05-Aug-17 19:59:08

Oh no, that's really tough. If you're still bleeding you definitely shouldn't be having sex as there's a risk of infection as your cervix is open. I've been advised that after my miscarriages. That's even before how you're feeling emotionally.
Have you tried talking to him or do you feel like you would rather avoid any arguments at the moment?

ferntwist Sat 05-Aug-17 20:01:04

Sorry of course you've said you've tried talking to him. It's a shame he's being so defensive as it's not what you need right now.
How long have you been together?

Spanneroo Sat 05-Aug-17 20:05:29

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I don't have a huge amount of advice as my OH has been exactly like yours for each of my (5) miscarriages. He just doesn't get it whatsoever. He doesn't seem to see it as a baby until its born.

I have ended up confiding in friends and basically distancing myself from OH while I'm recovering because trying to get him to understand when I'm feeling so vulnerable was just more heartache than I could bear sad

Please have a hand hold from me flowers and speak to a trusted friend/relative. Maybe try to talk it through with your OH once you're feeling less raw - hopefully he will get it more than mine does.

prettywhiteguitar Sat 05-Aug-17 20:06:57

I'm not sure you really should be considering having a family with this man, he sounds like a selfish inconsiderate person.

He really doesn't have any empathy for you and I'm not sure his suggestion that you have sex is normal sad

wobblywonderwoman Sat 05-Aug-17 20:11:07

I would try and have some time away alone from him op. It must be heart breaking. Lots of support here, but to have it from him would be so much more important xxxx

Renaissance18 Sat 05-Aug-17 21:22:18

Thank you girls.

He just doesn't seem to get it. When I had a melt down in the hospital car park he seemed to pull his finger out, but that didn't last long! I just can't fathom his complete lack of empathy; he's so good in any other situation! I tried to talk to him about the whole sex comment this morning and he said he was joking 😡

I eventually called the cavalry in and my mum is over. Put me to bed and keeps bringing tea and biscuits. Thank god for mothers.

We've been together donkeys years but this has really caught me off guard and made me question my ability to pick a husband! 😢 But I am aware my hormones are all over the shop so am feeling v sensitive xx

OP’s posts: |
ferntwist Sat 05-Aug-17 23:03:10

Glad your mum is there, giving hugs and tea. Hopefully your husband will realise how big this is for you and try to be more supportive.

Crumbs1 Sat 05-Aug-17 23:22:37

In truth, it's only recently women have been able to tell they're pregnant so early and most miscarriages weren't even identified. It's one of the downsides of early pregnancy testing. If pregnancy wasn't planned or particularly wanted he maybe wouldn't understand how traumatic it was for a woman.
There is an element of truth that thousands of women go through this with a large proportion of pregnancies. There is probably an element of truth that it's best to put it down to experience, bad luck and get on with life - but that is easier said than done for some women.
I'm not sure men do get this. They understand a more pragmatic perspective that it was a small ball of cells and wasn't yet formed into anything remotely resembling a baby.
He just wants you to be well and happy again. Maybe he felt his mother could talk more comfortably about miscarriage and understand a bit more what you are feeling.

LisaSimpsonsbff Sun 06-Aug-17 17:22:14

crumbs genuine question - how do you think this:

In truth, it's only recently women have been able to tell they're pregnant so early and most miscarriages weren't even identified. It's one of the downsides of early pregnancy testing.

Helps the OP? She did know and she is upset. She can't magic that away with the thought that some imaginary past her wouldn't have known. I think your post is insensitive and unhelpful. The pain will of course lessen over time, maybe quickly, maybe slowly, but telling her she shouldn't be feeling it will make her feel no better and maybe worse.

OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this and that you feel you're not getting the support you need. I'm really glad you called your mum, and hope that's brought you some comfort. Take care and be really kind to yourself.

ferntwist Sun 06-Aug-17 17:35:53

Thank you Lisa, I also thought Crumbs comment was not necessary on such a personal thread asking for support.

Crumbs1 Sun 06-Aug-17 19:02:29

Lisa perhaps it might put the hurt of her husband's lack of empathy in perspective? I don't think you read my post properly.

Velvian Sun 06-Aug-17 19:09:43

I also think the "women in the past wouldn't have known" is just untrue, apart from anything else. They could count & knew their breasts were sore etc. Sorry for your loss,

LisaSimpsonsbff Sun 06-Aug-17 19:28:20

I don't want to argue with you on OP's thread seeking support, but you didn't say 'he might think this', you presented it as fact/the reasonable opinion.

Renaissance18 Sun 06-Aug-17 20:17:10

Thank you girls.

I think it's a valid point that we can find out earlier etc and that obvious has implications in the sense of getting excited and planning and then that's all taken away.

While I'm sure the emotional side of it will hit property, at the moment it's the physical side that has knocked me side ways. The pain and (tmi) but what has come out of me has been awful. Maybe if I had a tummy bug he would have been more understanding! 😂

I do agree that I think sometimes men need to see a physical thing or do try and take a pragmatic approach to a problem and want to find a solution; where as sometimes all women need is someone to listen and just be there.

Interestingly I have been very honest about it with friends and people at work etc and have had a whole spectrum of reactions; it really should be more out there and not hidden.

Hoping to get out of the house tomorrow as the cramps have seemed to have eased and hubster is taking me for afternoon tea for a treat so maybe this is his way of showing he does care.

OP’s posts: |
bananafanana1 Sun 06-Aug-17 22:25:35

Oh thank goodness for Mums smile I found I wasn't really up for hosting in laws even 3 weeks after, its best to prioritise yourself at a time like this and as you say your hormones will be all over the show for a bit.

It's really very hard emotionally and physically so take things easy, enjoy your afternoon tea and talk things through

Thinking of you brewcakeflowers

ForeverHopeful21 Mon 07-Aug-17 14:11:43

OP that sounds terrible.
My DH isn't the most empathetic guy either but even he wouldn't be so rude to joke about sex after your MC. I'd be livid if i were you.

Maybe you guys need to get away if that's possible?
After my MC we had a weekend away and although it wasn't exactly a holiday filled with lots of fun & laughter, it did get us away from things and allow us time to be together.

I think it's normal to have ups and downs with your partner after things like this. And also normal for you to feel differently about it. But it's important for him to try and understand why the feel the way that you do and he should respect that and be a little more sympathetic about it. x

GreyCloudsToday Mon 07-Aug-17 14:21:24

I'm sorry for your loss R18 flowers

I don't intend to offend but I find that line about "women in the past..." so tedious, as it has the effect of shutting women down and minimising their experiences. Yes, millions of women do mc and they do get over it - being able to feel sad and to and share those feelings is exactly that process in action.

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