Struggling with the physical aftermath

[Lilliputian]

I had medical management two weeks ago at 15wks after a MMC, and have found the bleeding far harder to cope with emotionally than I would've expected - it's just a horrible, constant reminder that I'm not pregnant any more.

It's been very light the last few days, but come back heavily this morning, bringing back unwanted hospital memories along with it.

The EPU have said it's normal so that's a weight off my mind, but right now I hate my body and just want to sit and cry.

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

Oh love. 🙁

It's really hard isn't it?
I was in your position nearly 4 weeks ago, at the same gestation. I was nearly 15 weeks.

I also felt like my bleeding was a reminder, I'm still bleeding and thought exactly that this morning when I woke up and went to the loo.

I've really struggled to cope and have started having therapy as it threw me into a very dark depression.

Not only are we coping with the loss of our babies but we are also dealing with a sudden change of hormones and that really rollacoaster as well, not to mention the bleeding as a reminder to us of our loss.

I can't offer advice because feeling this, being with this hard and difficult feeling is part of the process as painful as that is to say, endure and feel. It's part of our grieving, part of the loss physically and mentally it's the worst point.

But know that you aren't the only one and I'm certainly here to understand and hold your hand.

I even called the samaritans one night when I couldn't stop sobbing for hours.

I would have called one of the misscarriage association lines but they are more 9-5 and this was at nighttime.
It helped to talk and hear a kind voice on the other end.

My heart goes out to you. I totally understand.

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

Also I had period pain last night (I did a pregnancy test and that wasn't negative so it's all 'gone') so because it's been 4 weeks since I had my baby I'm assuming it's AF coming.
Which just feels a bit bloody unfair if you ask me. Like jeez, gimme a break.

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

*was negative.

[Lilliputian]

Thanks so much for replying Tippy.

It sounds awful but it's so helpful to know I'm not the only one who feels like his. My OH doesn't really get why I keep reading this forum as it always makes me cry, but it's keeping me sane. Plus no matter how supportive people are, there's some things that are just TMI to bring up in conversation!

I try to remember that grieving is normal, and healthy... but god some days are hard, aren't they?

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

They are SO hard. Harder than you'd ever expect, like a blow.

I felt different from hour to hour, or day to day and then hated the unpredictability of it as well.

When something goes wrong I take control, I research, I read, I do, I fix.

But this I couldn't fix and I found it very very difficult that I didn't know when the 'blows' would come.
Currently I have period pain which is yet another reminder.

Can I ask you what you chose to do with your baby, or the sex or name?
But only if you want to tell me.

I found it nice when people asked because it meant I could talk about him because I was so proud of him. I also liked to show my close friends my 12 week (he was 13 weeks at that point though) scan and how cute his nose was in it.

Just because our babies didn't make it, doesn't make them any less OUR babies and that we loved them.

[Lilliputian]

I know what you mean about people asking - even though I get that they're just trying not to say the wrong thing, it hurts that almost no-one has asked about her.

We called our little girl Button - it was her nickname from very early in the pregnancy and just seemed to stick, especially as she was so tiny.

We have our favourite scan photo framed, and I showed all of them to my mum so I could point out her little arms and little nose and how pretty she was


Our hospital arranges a communal cremation and memorial service, which is in two weeks' time. It's going to be horribly painful to say goodbye to her again, but I'm hoping it will help with the grieving process.

I've had days where I cry at everything, days where I feel guilty for not having cried, days where I suddenly realise I've not been thinking about her and then cry because of the guilt I feel about that.

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

Yes the guilt. That's awful isn't it?
As if we aren't going through enough, we torture ourselves on top of it.

I've stopped feeling the guilt now, thankfully. Mainly because I'm trying to help myself now and trying to stay sane for my two children. You will slowly start to feel better.

I bet she was very pretty, and bet her scan picture was lovely. Button is so so cute.

I called our boy Ashley, simply because it was the only time a name crossed my mind before I knew whether it was a boy or girl and didn't want him to remain nameless.
And Ashley is a nice name, he wouldn't have been called Ashley if he'd gone full term but it's right for him now.

[Lilliputian]

That's a lovely name