Miscarriage, feeling traumatized!!

[Shellybelly22]

I wonder if anyone has felt traumatized during/after their miscarriage?

Decided to take the natural route, following being told that my baby's heart had stopped beating at 8.4 weeks, discovered this at 10 week scan. I am 42 and had conceived with the help of IVF, first attempt, so had been monitored regularly with scans, which had all been ok!

After 11 days of waiting to miscarry, there were absolutely no signs, so decided to take the medical option. Took Cytotec on Sunday morning and had, I think, the worst day of my life. I was told to expect mild period type cramps but what I experienced was Labour type contractions, every few minutes for like an hour and a half, followed by strong period type cramps and passing of blood clots, the size of my palm. This continued until 1pm Monday morning, when I finally managed to get some sleep.

The bleeding was extremely heavy, as expected but during Monday the pains would come and go. I had to go and see the doctor yesterday (Tuesday) to get my anti D shot, as I'm Rhs negative. He decided to take a look only to discover that the placenta was stuck in my Cervix and this is why I was expericening the pain. He decided to remove it there and then which was excruciating!! I sobbed and sobbed the whole way through it and today I feel violated and traumatized. I still have pain and am so worried that I may have to go through this again. I really don't think that I could take it!

Has anyone else had an experience like this? Please help?

[angelinheaven]

I am so sorry for your lose. No words can help, if only they could. I went through the same as you apart from I was just over 12 weeks when babies heart stopped and I went down the natural route at home. From when my babies heart stopped it took over 3 weeks for body to miscarry the baby.
I had full on contractions, after my waters broke and was not expecting any of that.
I then passed clots (sorry tmi) and bleed very heavy for weeks, was told no infection, after callapsing and admitted to hospital, I did have infection, and that was then seen to and the bleeding stopped.
I can honestly say the whole thing was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life, still not over it all now and that was back in December 2015.
Be gentle on yourself, and do what you feel at the time is right. If you want to scream, shout, cry then do it, no one should tell you how to feel or behave,
I'm thinking of you and send all my love, please look after yourself xx

[Shellybelly22]

So sorry you had to go through that too! It seems like we women are not taken seriously when it comes to pain management and miscarriage.
Did you feel like trying again? I'm so confused at the moment, my partner wants us to try asap and as I'm turning 43 next week time is not on my side but this had been horrific!!
I cry on and off most days and if someone else tells me that there is always hope, that it is unlikely to happen again blah, blah I'm going to scream!!

[gingerbreadmam]

me!!!

i discovered aftwr a light bleed at 9 wks it was likely a mc but had to wait 2 wks for a rescan.

2 wks later scan confirmed mc. i was advised to go natural. the pregnancy ended at 5 weeks so i had already carried it for 6 weeks at this point. i waited another week but couldnt cope so went for medication.

sent home to do medication there which i did. bled a bit and had some clots but not lots. spoke to hospital twice they said sounded fine.

3 days after medication started getting contractions then a huge gush of blood. i sat on the loo 3 hours and practically weed blood. it eventually slowed. i thought that was the mc.

returned to work 2 days later. half way through the day another gush. made it to the toilet and same as before so i had to go to hospital.

they discovered tissue was stuck and manually tried to remove with forceps 5 times over the course of about 6 hours. about 11.30 at night a dr had one final go. they were supposed to give me gas n air but didnt. she went further up than previous and thought she had it all. i was discharged.

2 days later another gush and the same scenario. went back to hospital and this time they wouldnt discharhe me until i had emergency op due to blood loss. i had 3 drips and was prepped for a transfusion. i went down to theatre the next night at 10pm and was discharged at 11am the next day. finally that time it was all over.

it was my first pregnancy and i was absolutely traumatised. in fact my counsellor said ptsd.

i got pregnant again quickly as i was worried the trauma would but me off if i had too long to think about it. devastatingly that pregnancy ended in my son being stillborn.

i can safely say though that giving birth to my stillborn son was nowhere near as traumatising than the mc and that is truely sad.

I have since had another mmc at 14+2 and demanded the erpc asap. fortunately they got me in the next day and the op and revovery were fine.

im so sorry you had to go through this, counselling may help. hope you are ok.

[Shellybelly22]

Woo Gingerbreadman, I am so very sorry for your loses! Words can not express what you have had to endure.

You found the counselling very beneficial? Have you had any investigations to see what may be causing your miscarriages? I have been trying to conceive for 12 years and this is the first pregnancy I've had and the first miscarriage. Not sure I have the strength to keep trying.

[gingerbreadmam]

i haven't because the first one was unknown, the second a stillbirth but there was something wrong with baby altho not life threatening so shouldnt have died but they just thought condition might have been too bad.

Second miscarraige was triploidy. stillbirth and second mc completely unrelated and because i got far in the last two pregnancies they dont think it is a problem, just bad luck.

thank you.

[gingerbreadmam]

i meant to add yesterday if you are worried about the same happening it is worth speaking to your consultant and asking for a note on your file to have the erpc if you ever find youself in that position again.

counselling helped massively just being able to talk through your fears and emotions and have them validated. People in real life tend to not want to talk about it really so it was great. i got mine through work.

had counselling through gp after stillbirth but didnt rate that one as much really.

[Shellybelly22]

Oh gosh, I admire you for all you have gone through. Bad luck is a harsh thing to accept. I so wish for you to have a successful pregnancy next time. Its gotta be your turn! Surely.

I am speaking with the clinic where I had the IVF today, maybe I will get some answers, maybe not. Time is not on my side unfortunately, so I fear that that was my one and only chance. They have a counselling service, so I think I will ask if I can use that. Like you said, friends and family try to say the right thing but inevitably its wrong and you just want your feelings and emotions validated!

I agree that if I find myself in this situation again, I will opt for a different route out.

How long ago was your last mc?

Thanks for talking with me, its really helping.

[gingerbreadmam]

i think there's still time for you shelly. do you have any other dc? how long does an ivf cycle take?

it was March this year. we haven't decided to try again yet. i had a difficult pregnancy this time due to issues with dp and i'm not really in a rush to get myself in that position again at the moment altho having said that im 32 and already had such bad luck i dont want to wait around forever either.

Definitely try counselling and familiarise youself with an erpc if that would be an easier option should you ever find yourself in that position again.

were you on any blood thinners for this pregnancy such as baby aspirin? that could make a massive difference. as can progesterone but i think tht is.part and parcel of the ivf journey?

[Shellybelly22]

No other children Ginger. I have unexplained infertility, which is really frustrating because you can't treat it. I started trying for children when I was 30. Became clear that nothing was happening so looked into IVF. My ex had had children from previous relationship so we couldn't get IVF on the NHS and couldn't afford it. Met my current partner at 38, now to old for NHS IVF. So here I am at 42 (43 next week) finally in a position to pay for it. Ugh..... A cycle usually takes about 5 weeks from start to finish. I have 2 frozen embryos that the RE today suggested I use. I'm worried that they will be Chromosonally defective also, as she says this is the highest probable cause of my miscarriage.

You have some time yet. I completely understand why you need the break though, you have been through so much. The RE was telling me today that you can have your eggs genetically tested but that would mean going through a round of IVF though.

ERPC would be the way to go if I find myself in this mess again.

I wasn't on blood thinners but RE said that I could be on this round, if I'm worried about blood clotting, I think thats what she said. I was on progesterone and would be again.

Its a lot to think about. I felt better for speaking to her today though.

Whats your next step?

[gingerbreadmam]

That all sounds positive and for the sake of having a baby i think it's worth the risk. What are the chances that 3 eggs would have chromosonal problems? i dont think they would be high.

If there was a problem you could have the harmony at 10 weeks and still have lots of options open to you if something showed up. Honestly, i wouldn't hesitate. You are apparently a lot more fertile following a mc so now may be a prime time to go for it again.

I think the blood thinners may help baby aspirin is thought to have no ill side effects so even taking as a precaution could give you a good outcome.

i think you have to try and keep positive and focus on the end point. The good news is after all that time you have now been pregnant. that's a huge achievement.

the mc statistics are huge 1/4 first pregnancies end in mc so.i dont necessarily think it is to do with chromosones. It could be your body doing a test run. I don't know.

For me getting my relationship better or starting a new one before a pregnancy.

[Shellybelly22]

All this really takes it tole on relationships. I think that best of them would struggle! We have argued fairly consistently through the whole process. We are supposed to be renovating our house but can't agree on anything. I do hope that you will be able to work through yours.

At 42/43 apparently 60-80% of my eggs will have chromosome issues. I had 24 eggs collected (I have a high reserve for a women of my age), 19 fertilized, 7 made it to day 5 (Blastocyst ready to implant), they transferred two, one didn't implant , the other made it to 8.4 weeks, froze two and left the others to day 6 and they all died. So probability suggests that maybe one of the frosties will be ok. A 15% chance of a live birth the RE said. Like you say I have nothing to loose. Hopefully, if it fails this time, it would be due to inability to implant, rather than miscarriage again, thats the scary part. Although, I now know that I would deal with that differently too.

I think you are right about focusing on the end point, last time I was so wrapped up with the IVF process and getting my BFP that I was totally naive to the trauma of the first trimester. Once I had seen my baby's heart beat, twice, I truly thought we would be okay. Bad luck the RE said. This time I would be wiser.

Seriously, from an older lady to a younger, have you considered things like freezing/ testing your eggs for the future? Just in case you find your relationships changing in your 30s or emotionally not ready to try again for a while. I hope you don't mind me suggesting it but if I had had that option when I was younger, I may have considered it. This age thing seems to really affect chances of success negatively.

I hope that we both have better outcomes next time!! x

[gingerbreadmam]

depending on where things go with my current relationship i would certainly look at freezing eggs or even other avenues - it would be sensible. At the moment i am hoping things will work out but i may be asking too much.

Wow you have a lot of stress on you at the moment that must be so difficult. I think your odds sounds good and worth a try at least. Just think practically and have ideas in place for problems you might face although it's a difficult one as you dont want to waste too much time or energy in a pregnancy worrying about bad things.

I hope everything goes well for the future.

I'm happy to keep chatting if it helps. How are you feelimg about the actual loss? it's hard to process when what you have been through is so traumatic.

i had 3 good scans the last pregnancy so to get to 14+2 and discober the hb had stopped was a shocker. i kept focusing on the 'when you've seen a hb after 9 weeks its great odds' thing ive read on here a million times and naievely after my son just thought mother nature.wouldnt be so cruel.

[Shellybelly22]

I hope that if its the right thing for you that you and your partner will work things out, you have been through so much together!

My mind is all a muddle at the moment. From feeling like I couldn't go on at the beginning of the week to feeling like there may be hope again now.

When I was told that the baby's heart had stoped, I thought that I had cried and dealt with the loss, until I actually went through the miscarriage and boy did it then hit me! The trauma of the doctors office was when I really started to feel it and the next couple of days. Waking up and having that "empty" feeling, both emotionally and physically. Realizing that the baby had actually gone was devastating.

At the beginning of the week I couldn't understand how women could put themselves through this time and time again and really didn't think that by the end of the week I would be considering it myself. I'm not sure if its talking to the RE or if somehow us women are programmed to just keep going? I hadn't really considered jumping back in so quickly but the RE seems to think its the best way and like you said, we are supposed to be more fertile directly after the miscarriage.

This loss has been devastating and I will never forget the little soul that didn't make it but maybe I need to keep the momentum going and just try again. This time with a much more cautious approach though, as you said nature can be so cruel!!

I forgot to ask what the Harmony thing was that you mentioned?

Yes, it is really helping chatting.

[gingerbreadmam]

Harmony us a non-invasive blood test that you can have from 10 weeks for the three trisomies. It actually tests the babys blood rather than yours and gives more accurate results than the nhs testing and can mean that you may not need a cvs / amnio. its sometimes called a nipt test or iona i think. You have to pay for it privately.

I was like you, thats what made me try again tbh. I was so devastated by the loss i literally had lost my child that's what it felt like. i'm happy to say i can see it a bit.more objectively now, time does help.

i would speak to your partner and make a decision together. at least now with what you have been through you are more.informed and if anything this horrible loss will make you stronger.

[Shellybelly22]

I will definitely look into the test, if I ever get that far!

Yes it does feel like losing a child, we put some much emotion into those little beans inside us. It sounds like the first loss is always the worst. I hope I don't lose anymore but its a reality I'm going to have to face if i'm to continue down this road.

My partner is worried that these embryos are made from the same 'bad' batch of eggs and is a little hesitant about using them. I so wish that I could get pregnant the good old fashioned way! At least that fun and takes all these decisions out of the scenario.

[gingerbreadmam]

haha well fortunately i don't think our eggs come in batches so no need to worry.

yeah i haven't had ivf but imagine it is a long and emotional process. i really hope it pays off for you.

Yes my last mc i didn't even feel upset about the baby really, maybe as it had something so wrong with it i don't know but i just was glad when it was over.

[ForeverHopeful21]

So so sorry to hear what you've been through. I too had a traumatising miscarriage (back in March) and it still haunts me now.
I miscarried naturally at 12 weeks, ended up in A&E due to severe blood loss and like you, had tissue stuck in cervix. I had two separate doctors on 5 attempts try and remove it, it was horrendous and the most pain I've ever experienced! I felt exactly the same way you described: violated and humiliated. I lost all my dignity that day and I still think about it a lot, however, time is a healer and things are much better 3 months on.

It'll take you a while to get through it so don't put too much pressure on yourself. Miscarriage is so heart-breaking and it's doubly upsetting when you've been trying for so long. Wishing you all the luck in the world x