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I missed the 'Due' Date, but I'm going to be okay.(5 Posts)
This feels a bit strange. In September I had a MC at a mere 10 days pregnant, I might have missed it had I not been having food aversions, sickness, dizziness, severe abdominal pain, and weakness.
Around that time I calculated on my fingers that I would be due around 10th June. Last week in preparation for the date (booking the day off work, buying a tree and deciding where to plant it) I calculated the date properly online based on my last period before the MC, as I track my periods in a diary anyway I was fortunate to know this date. But unfortunately, I completely miscalculated the 'Due' Date, which should actually have been May 18th.
Even though the rational part of me knew that a due date is only an estimate, and that babies rarely arrive exactly on schedule, I was a mess, sobbing and so confused. Upset that it had been and gone and there had been no change, upset that the world didn't stop turning, upset that it was just another normal day. I felt mad at myself that I had neglected to work it out properly, like it was disrespectful to the child that would have been. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to do with the tree, and after hours of scrolling through forums and discussions I hadn't found any similar experiences. I felt alone again.
I had filled the day with so much weight and expectation. I had built up a fantasy in my mind that on the day, I would find out I was pregnant again. I spent the 9 months after the MC convinced that I wouldn't get pregnant again until that pregnancy was completely over. And it was with that in mind that it stopped feeling like such a big deal that I had missed the date, it felt like I could move on from what had been the hardest challenge of my life, like my body would finally allow me to have another child, and that it was a good thing that the world didn't stop turning, because I have so much ahead of me to come.
I decided that I will still honour the 10th June, and this would not be my babies 'Due' Date, but the date that I would properly say goodbye, the date that will mark my transition from holding onto what will not be, to truly sending out all my positive energy for my future.
On June 10th, I will dig a hole, I will plant my tree, and I will finally have the strength to say her name out loud.
I don't expect that I will be 'cured' of my sadness after this. And the one thing I have learned above everything else from this experience is that there is no right way to heal. My MC experience, and everyone's MC experience is different. You are allowed to feel sad, allowed to feel happy or relieved. It is okay for you to cry, it is okay to carry on with your life. I am sorry for my loss, and if you are reading this because you need support, or to feel like you aren't alone, I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you for bearing with me through my first post in this community. I have read so many of your kind words to each other in the last 9 months. I want to thank such a gentle and honest community, for bringing me such support through my experience. I want you to know how much you have truly helped me. Thank you.
i get how you feel my baby's due date would of been tomorrow but im dreading the day
User, thinking of you for tomorrow. Holiday, that's a really nice piece you wrote .
I hope today is a peaceful day for you, and a help in this difficult process. Thinking of you. 💐
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