I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, just a couple of weeks ago. My husband and I had been trying for a baby for 8 months. It's not long - but then again, we're not exactly spring chickens either (late 30s), so need to get a wriggle on. We already have a lovely little boy.
When I found out I was miscarrying, I was very worried, then horribly sad for a few days, and then I was relatively OK-ish (or so I thought). I naively felt that I'd come to terms with it - after all, it was pretty early days, and plenty of people have them and go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies afterwards. I hadn't taken it lightly, but I was ready to try again, and feeling really quite positive about the future.
But you see, I found out today that a very dear friend is pregnant - and her baby is due just a few weeks before mine would have been. I'm delighted for her - genuinely. She's a wonderful mother, a wonderful person, and she has always wanted a large family - it's great news.
So why I am I so tearfully ANGRY tonight? Why has all the sadness and loss, grief and disappointment flooded back?? Why did I eat 7 penguins (the chocolate kind, naturally) on the trot, barely drawing breath, as soon as I put the telephone down?? Why do I feel so negative and hopeless about the chances of my successfully conceiving again? Why can't I be grateful for my heavenly little boy, and tuck this awful, throat constricting, ungrateful misery away?? It's not as if she's pregnant with MY baby! She hasn't used up my baby ration as well as her own; I'm not less likely to conceive a second healthy child just because she's expecting her third!
I couldn't even hug my husband properly when I came home this evening - he was loving and kind, but I stood brittle and clenched. I found myself feeling furious with him, too - for not wanting the baby as much as I had, and for not feeling as crushed that the "pregnancy" was all some awful, chemical, practical joke - an empty gestational sac posing as our unborn child. Headaches, heartburn, sore bosoms, positive pregnancy tests - nothing but a hormone balloon in a gullible uterus. I'm SO ANGRY.
Hiding in the bedroom with a bottle of Prosecco. Tonight I DO NOT feel like coping.
Unattractive, self-indulgent rant over.
xx
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Not coping well, tonight
7 replies
Wilfiesmummy · 30/05/2017 20:58
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