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(10 Posts)
Starshine1 Fri 26-May-17 23:41:55

Sometimes I can cope with everyone else having babies and being pregnant, but sometimes I can't.

sometimes it feels as if people who should understand what you have been through/ are going through don't? I am now desperately trying to get pregnant again after five miscarriages and just feel like it's never going to happen- and if it does- how will it end? I met a friend today, who knows what I have been through, who paraded her new born and talked endlessly about how hard it is ' coping with two children'. It is just me, or are some people just so insensitive? I am lucky to have one little boy, but I would give anything to have to 'cope with two' and I just don't understand how people can know what you are going through and expect you to empathises with them?

Does anyone else feel like they are constantly trying to keep going?

Moose23 Fri 26-May-17 23:58:35

Yes I completely agree. Babies everywhere for me now(early thirties). I have friends who have traveled the world while pregnant. Competed in endurance sport. Renovated a house. Friends who had a surprise baby without trying. I'm tired of thoughtless people asking if I have kids or when I will have them.

And yet these lovely but lucky people have no inkling what I'm going through. That if I get pregnant again, I will be on tenterhooks until i either miscarry or give birth. Miscarriage is so unfair.

I'm sorry starshine x have you told your friend how much it hurts when she whines?

Starshine1 Sat 27-May-17 06:20:44

Hi moose, thanks for responding, you're right- it really is unfair and how so many people just fall pregnant and have no issues.

No I haven't told, not sure how to. She has had two miscarriages previously, so kind of thought she would get it, but she doesn't.

I now tell people I have had reoccurrent miscarriages when they ask about future pregnancies, kind of a conversation killer, but at least they won't keep asking me and perhaps will be more considerate in the future for others?

Seems a bit like friends understand for a shot while, then move on and expect me to have done the same.

Sorry you are going through the same moose and I hope you have some happy news soon x

GreedyDuck Sat 27-May-17 09:32:40

I think that, unfortunately, if you already have a child people seem to think that you should count your blessings and move on quicker than if you are childless.

It's shit, I know, the two losses I've had since I had my dd have been no less painful for me than the one I had before I had her. In some ways they have been harder because I was further along, I am desperate for her to have a sibling, and I am older so time is running out for me. Otoh, she is a great distraction and I do feel incredibly fortunate to have one child at least.

But yeah, people are wrapped up in their own lives and sometimes it makes them thoughtless. I would be honest with her and just say that you are finding it tough, and then hope that she realises that she's being a bit insensitive. I doubt she's doing it on purpose. (How do you 'parade' a newborn?! Sounds like something the Daily Mail would write.)

Maybe she's, in a clumsy way, trying to make you feel ok about having one child instead of two, maybe she's struggling with having two kids, who knows? No one's life is perfect, and having a newborn and an older child brings its own set of challenges if my friends' experiences are anything to go by.

But if you can't talk to her honestly about how it's making you feel, then just avoid her for a bit.

Miscarriages are devastating, and your feelings are valid, but not everyone is going to understand, so it's worth making peace with that. flowers

PotteringAlong Sat 27-May-17 09:41:54

The thing is though is that is is hard, and your friend is entitled to a bit of a whine. Otherwise you're in a situation where she has to be great fun for everything and never complain and you're the only one allowed to moan because your life is so much harder. And at that point your friendship will be over pretty fast because it's so one sided.

It's not that she's forgotten and expects you to move on, it's that she sees you as her friend and not that she's just a sounding board for you.

PotteringAlong Sat 27-May-17 09:42:40

Great fun = grateful

Starshine1 Sat 27-May-17 10:19:11

I understand two is hard, but I would give anything to have that hardship as I know lots of other ladies would

PotteringAlong Sat 27-May-17 12:55:46

I know you would. But what you're saying is that your friend is not allowed to have a moan about any part of her life because she has 2 children and you don't. that's not fair.

JCleRoux Sat 27-May-17 13:06:54

I'm so sorry @Starshine1. It's awful when you think people should understand and just don't. And that you should somehow consider yourself lucky that you have one DC is like slap in the face and honestly shows lack of understating and sympathy.

Like PP I suggest maybe having a word with your friend. If she's a good friend I don't think she's making the comments to hurt you on purpose and it may just be that she's struggling with a newborn and wants to rant a little.

Miscarriages are hard and unfair and come with so much emotional baggage. flowers

Starshine1 Sat 27-May-17 14:08:57

Thanks ladies

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