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How do you carry on?

(20 Posts)
FrostyPopThePenguinLord Thu 25-May-17 20:41:31

I've just lost my second pregnancy, I had an ectopic in January and this one was 7 weeks along, both were very much planned and highly anticipated, we have no other children.
I know there are others who have it much worse than me but I can't stop feeling like a failure. I want to try again but everyone tells me to wait a bit.
I'm dreading another pregnancy as much as I am wanting one, I was paranoid as hell this time because of my previous ectopic, how the hell am I going to relax next time.
If one more person says 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what will be will be' I'm going to scream.
I went back to work yesterday after getting out of the hospital on Tuesday because I couldn't face sitting at home in my own head, even though I was bleeding heavily and in huge amounts of pain.
How do you keep picking yourself up and carrying on, I just want to cry in a corner and I can't because it is freaking my husband out, and I don't want to upset him either.

Wolfiefan Thu 25-May-17 20:44:09

Cry. You're allowed to cry. You're grieving a loss. Tough if he finds that hard. Sorry but you can't hold it in.
Never mind the experience of anyone else. This is your experience and it hurts.
People say stupid things. They want to say something but don't know what to say.
I had a mmc and an early mc. Both times I wanted to try again straight away. And both times I worried.
Sorry for your loss OP. It hurts. flowers

BoudiccasHare Thu 25-May-17 20:47:54

Oh Frosty, my dear. I am so sorry you are suffering.
It is a truly horrendous thing to go through. I also lost had a miscarriage last year and I felt like I would never ever be happy again, that my heart was going to explode out of my chest such was the pain.

You have to do what you need to do to get by - if you need to cry, cry. If you need to get angry then do so. Take what you can and need from those around you who undoubtedly just want to support you. There's nothing anyone can say, I found, or even do but I appreciated normality when I went back to work. That went a long way.
Don't move too fast, if you need to rest make sure you get enough. You are grieving.
I am sorry for my rambled post, it's so hard to articulate how it feels or even what helps. It never goes away, the pain, but it becomes bearable, and that's what you are working toward. Coping.

I'm sorry flowers

BoudiccasHare Thu 25-May-17 20:49:11

Also try again when you are ready. Do not make my mistake and listen to others. It's your choice. And you will panic, I know I did.

sexymuthafunker Thu 25-May-17 20:51:51

I agree just cry and cry till you're done Wolfie. I had a mc and it was devastating. Having to tell other people didn't help. But now I have 2 kids and it seems a lifetime ago. And I can't help but think if that pregnancy had been successful then it's very likely I would never have had my youngest & I can't imagine that..... So I guess am just trying to let you know that you will get through this and you will feel better one day. But for now you need to grieve. Be kind to yourself flowers

sexymuthafunker Thu 25-May-17 20:54:13

Sorry Frosty just realised see I called you Wolfe xx

sexymuthafunker Thu 25-May-17 20:57:12

I found staying home and binge watching really good boxed sets helped pass the time waiting for the bleeding to pass. And agree you should not try again until you're ready & only you know when that is flowers

purpleporpoise Thu 25-May-17 21:06:53

I'm so sorry. It's really shit. We had the same. Then we got pregnant with DS. We were lucky. Now we're TTC no2. Losses are so hard. Doesn't matter what stage you're at, they are shit. Fingers crossed for you

alltalknobaby Thu 25-May-17 21:18:19

I also had 2 miscarriages and thought I'd never be able to carry a baby. I felt like a failure and just - well, doomed. I fell pg again and worried my entire pregnancy, to the point where I never bonded with the baby and couldn't picture ever actually having one.

Trust your body - it is doing what it needs to. It will heal and you will get pregnant again and you will have your rainbow baby. Trust that your body knows what it is doing.

I agree with others - you need to take time to grieve. Whatever that looks like for you, this is a loss and you need to be gentle with yourself and allow your heart to process it xx

alltalknobaby Thu 25-May-17 21:18:46

And I'm so sorry for your losses xx

Pixie2015 Thu 25-May-17 21:22:16

You will never stop worrying about pregnancy till you have your babe in your arms - miscarriage is heartbreaking and unfair - only way I got through was to think that the baby must have been really unwell - then focussed on ttc the next month - it hardest is seeing others pregnant around but I just used to think hopefully soon - keep positive enjoy things that you will have to restrict when pregnant - good luck

FrostyPopThePenguinLord Thu 25-May-17 21:25:23

I just couldn't stop crying, my husband keeps saying all the wrong things, it's not his fault but saying, 'it could be worse' or 'why are you crying there is nothing you can do' really are not helping right now.
How is he so calm when I feel like my world has ended.
I go between dispair and fury, I'm so heartbroken and then I'm angry that it happened and that he and everyone else expects me to behave like nothing has happened.

TheLastUNIC0RN Thu 25-May-17 21:26:20

So sorry you are going through this frosty. It really does suck. It's just unfair.

I've just had my 4th and like you I've just gone back to work and back to real life right away.
The only advice I can give from personal experience is Allow yourself time to grieve then try again when you feel up to it. For me it's right away but for you it could be a month or two. Whatever feels right for you. Just keep believing you will get your baby at the end and it will all be worth it flowers

BoudiccasHare Thu 25-May-17 21:27:23

He may be like my husband, who bottles everything up and says almost similar things not to be callous but because he's just not dealing with it. My husband crashed horrifically two weeks later and was neigh inconsolable. It doesn't make it easier but I really struggled to understand his behaviour in the early days, not that he was cruel, he just didn't give himself over to grief until much later.

Wolfiefan Thu 25-May-17 21:29:02

You're crying as you're mourning a loss. That's normal. You are allowed to feel angry and full of despair and like the world isn't fucking fair.
Sometimes I think the partner who wasn't pg isn't so obviously affected because it's not quite real for them. They weren't pg. they weren't dealing with the side effects of pg. Their hormones aren't raging and they're not dealing with the physical effects of a loss.
Rant away OP. It's normal. And healthy. flowers

Gingerbreadmam Thu 25-May-17 21:29:28

im so sorry for your loss. i feel like ive been through every which way - mmc, stillbirth, second trimester missed mc. No live children.

I carry on by telling myself if you want a baby it will all be worth it in the end. also remind myself it cant be any worse than what you've already been through.

my last pregnancy - the second trimester mc was a nightmare from start to finish and has really put me off but i know the above will kick in at some point.

im so sorry for your losses. i had a break after my stillborn and will be having a little break again this time. it will do me good to be 'me' for a while.

keep talking, it will help.

gingerbubs Thu 25-May-17 21:34:06

Hi Frosty. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had 2 miscarriages before having my daughter and felt very similar to you. It's ok to cry, it's ok to take time, it's ok to get back to work and get on with it.... Basically anything is ok. There's no right or wrong way to be. I agree with above that when you feel ready (readyish - it's not that clear, is it!) then try again. I felt ready right after second miscarriage and got pregnant before I'd had a period. That pregnancy was successful. Yes it was stressful and I was very anxious, especially as I was 'lucky' and had little in the way of pregnancy symptoms. I asked my GP if they would check a few HCGs in early pregnancy to reassure me and had an early scan. But it was bearable. I also know people who needed to take a fair bit of time before trying again and that's fine too. Go with it, and do whatever feels best for you at the time. Good luck whatever you decide xx

gingerbubs Thu 25-May-17 21:36:06

Sorry for all the losses on here. It's so shit sad flowers

FrostyPopThePenguinLord Thu 25-May-17 21:46:59

I think possibly the worst thing was said by my incredibly loving mother, it's awful because it was meant well.
She said, 'its very common, most people will have one without even realising'.
I have no idea why that hit me so hard, but it did.

I'm now in a rage phase, I saw a very pregnant lady smoking outside the pub near us, usually I don't care, I'm very live and let live, her child's asthma won't be my issue, her bad choices are hers alone and don't affect me.
But this evening I wanted to go over and snatch it from her and scream in her face that how dare she be so ungrateful that she is willing to risk her baby.
I've never smoked, rarely rarely drink and I cut out caffeine when I found out I was pregnant and I lost mine, it's made me so furious.
(I never usually judge people like this, you don't know them and their lives, this is totally out of character for me)

Gingerbreadmam Thu 25-May-17 22:26:03

that's natural frosty. all quite normal i think.

my best friend who has a newborn made a stupid choice the other day that could have had disasterous consequences and i was probably still am a bit so angry that for that split second her choice could have changed everything for the baby. i know the anger was because of my situation not because of what she did really.

its sad. cliched but time does help.

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