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MUMOFANANGEL84 Tue 16-May-17 17:00:04

Firstly I'm sorry that you have found this message because it probably means that you are doing what I was doing last week and desperately trying to find information that might help you deal with what you are currently facing.

I am so grateful to all of the other ladies who have posted their experiences I would have been lost without your advice.

My story is simple. I want to start by saying I have had a very lucky life and I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and this experience whilst obviously leaving me with a desperate feeling of loss also makes me treasure all that I have.

I am 33, got married last year and this was my first pregnancy. I wanted this baby so much. All was really good at the initial 12 weeks scan and I had minimal nausea and aches during the first trimester.

I attended my midwife at 14 weeks and she noted that my blood pressure was a bit high. I had been unwell and I had a stressful week so I hoped this was the cause. I attended the hospital three days later and my blood pressure had dropped and I was relieved.

At 15 +3 (Friday) I attended an appointment with my consultant. I had high BMI and my brother had a congenital heart defect. My blood pressure was high again 160/90. The consultant advised me to take asprin and to buy a blood pressure monitor. He also wanted me to have a blood pressure series on the Tuesday.

I went to the pharmacy and bought a monitor and collected a script for asprin. When I arrived home I went to the toilet and started bleeding. This was equivalent to a full flow period. I called to my husband and stressed we needed to go to A&E immediately. I am rhesus negative blood type so I knew it would be important for me to get an anti d injection.

I arrived at A&E I was triaged and my blood pressure was still high. I was told I needed to be admitted but I had to wait in the waiting room as there were no beds. I waited for about an hour which felt horrendous. I was still bleeding at this time.

I was called to the ward. I went into an examination room and my blood pressure was taken again. At this point blood stained fluid gushed out of me, all over my shoes, I was scared and mortified. i managed to get to a toilet across the hall and continued to bleed. The nurses were so wonderful. I tried to clean up the mess and apologised but they told me this was normal for them and not to worry.

A doctor then came and performed an internal examination and confirmed that she believed my membranes had ruptured. I was in shock. She said that she would arrange for a scan later that day. At 4pm I went for a scan in a wheelchair. I couldn't believe it but my baby still had a heartbeat. However I was told that the odds were not good as the baby only had 13mm of amniotic fluid and anything under 2cm was considered low.

I remained in hospital for two nights to see if the bleeding worsened. During this time the bleeding slowed and I was not in pain. At this point I googled PPROM and started drinking tonnes of water, eating stevia, wine gums and glaciau lemonade in the hope that something would increased my amniotic fluid. I was also laying on my left side and trying to rest as much as possible. The doctor came and said I could go home. Helpfully when I asked him whether I should be on bed rest at home he said that he wouldn't recommend bungee jumping. I was gutted. I honestly believe that his experience meant that he knew that there was no hope but I didn't need the comment at that point.

So I went home on bed rest for a week with my husband cooking, shopping and regular visits from my family. At this point I realised how loved both I and my little baby were. We all would have done anything necessary to help this little life to survive. We had one evening with my husband counting his change pot on the floor of our bedroom and us playing random 80's and 90's songs on spotify with me laying on the bed and it felt so good to all be together, me, my husband and baby.

I was scheduled for a further scan on the Friday (one weeks after the initial rupture) with an appointment with the Consultant afterwards. Walking in for that scan was so difficult. Fortunately I had my husband. I knew as soon as I saw the image of my baby curled up that it would not be good news. There was no heartbeat. I asked what gestation they thought the baby was. They felt it was 16 weeks and 2 days (which would mean it died the day before the scan) but they also told me that the head was misshapen.(It had previously been normal).

We were taken into a private room which I was so grateful for. My consultant came to see us (which I appreciated so much) he said that he did not know why this had happened as I did not have any of the usual risk factors. He said that he would meet with us in about 6 weeks time to discuss what could be done if we wanted to try again and mentioned asprin or possibly a stitch to the cervix. He then said we need to deal with the current situation. I went to speak with a nurse who recommended a medical management. I was told to go home and to return to the hospital at 4pm to see a doctor. She said that because I was 16 weeks it was likely that I would have contractions when miscarrying.

The doctor explained that I may have pain like a bad period pain and that there was a risk I may miscarry in the next couple of days but if not to return to the hospital on Sunday to deliver the baby. They asked about what we wanted to happen with the baby and I confirmed that I would want a burial. This was so hard.

The next days were strange. I knew my baby was there but not alive. I was worried about squishing it which sounds weird but I was still so protective of it. Part of me wanted it to be delivered for piece of mind and part of me did not want to let it go. I was worried about having something to put the baby in and couldn't find anything small enough so I made a little pouch out of a baby padded sleep suit. I cried with every stitch but it felt good to do something for my baby. i also went to the shop and bought large pads, bottles of water, a heat pad that plugged in, large ugly pants and packed my suitcase in case I had to go to hospital early.

I remember that my appetite had gone at this point. When we went to the hospital on the Sunday I was so scared. We were put in a private room on the gynecology ward and a nurse came and explained everything. She placed four tablets in my vagina and said that the process should last 6 hours. Within 30 minutes I felt a low ache in my abdomen. I was also then sick and had very loose bowel movements (it felt like a shock reaction)I found that when I lay down it felt better but then I was worried the medication may stop working so I started to walk around the room which felt sadistic but I did not want to have surgery. After two hours I was given more tablets to take orally. Within half an hour I started having deep low pains. I went to the toilet with a bedpan over the hole. I remained there with my partner for the next two hours. It was very painful but I was 16 weeks and had no amniotic fluid. I remember that one of the hardest things was having nothing to hold onto in the toilet. I clung to my husband with my head in his stomach with very short breaks where I tried to lean back with my head on a pillow on the toilet cistern. In hindsight I would have done two things 1. looked up breathing techniques for labour as I think once I tried breathing more actively this helped and I would have asked for pain medication sooner. I asked for paracetamol about an hour into the bad pain and the nurse said I needed oramorph because paracetamol would not work. I think part of the problem was the position I was in but I was unable to leave the toilet.

I remember passing clots, my leg going numb and my arms feeling weak and fuzzy so that I was unable to hold a plastic cup of water. My husband passed me water which I indicated with hand and head gestures. I was also hot (fortunately I had my hair in a bun).

The baby passed quite easily. The pains just remained the same for the two hours. I guess that a natural birth would build more but this was chemical. Afterwards I did feel relief and felt quite well quite quickly. My leg took a bit of time to come back. The nurse had to cut the cord and checked to see that the placenta passed which it did. The nurse then took the baby away and cleaned it. She also placed it in a little knitted cape and material wrap that had been lovingly made by kind women and donated.

i then started to cramp again and used my heated blanket/mat and got some codine which really helped.

I wanted to see the baby and my partner was not sure. I told him why I wanted to see the baby and said it was his choice. He decided to see the baby and now says that he is glad that he did as it has helped him to see the reality of what we made and what happened and to get closure.

I have been home for a week now. I am still getting on and off abdomen and groin pains but the bleeding has really slowed down. I find I get sore when I walk too much. My milk has literally just started to come through. I think the post mortem is going to take 8-10 weeks and the funeral 3 weeks. They have said that they can confirm the sex of the baby before the funeral as it was not 100% clear from the baby. I think it was a boy. We have picked both boy and girl names just in case.

My heart goes out to anyone else dealing with this. I found the miscarriage association leaflets online really helpful as did my partner.

I hope someone finds this information useful. I felt it was important to write this as there is very little information out there when you are faced with this.

God bless all the little angels, all the mummies and daddies and all the nurses and doctors.

ForeverHopeful21 Wed 17-May-17 09:53:38

I'm so so sorry flowers
Reading your story has brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you for sharing. When I shared my story it was definitely part of the healing process, so I hope you found a tiny bit of relief from writing it. And you're right, it will help someone else.

The healing process is a long one, so be kind to yourself and do what you need to do. It sounds like you have support at home which is good.

I'm sure the funeral will be difficult, but I hope that it brings some comfort knowing that you did all you could for your baby and will continue to always love and care for them. Sending all my love x

MUMOFANANGEL84 Sun 21-May-17 01:56:46

Thank you for your kind words. One day at a time. I just met up with a uni friend who has been trying to conceive for four years with one failed round of ivf and I think it has been good for both of us to share feelings and to support each other. L.x

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