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TFMR, first date given for surgical termination end of May. Is this normal?

(103 Posts)
Happenedagain2017 Mon 08-May-17 10:24:13

Last week we were given bad news at the scan. The hospital have just rang to say that the first date they can give me for a surgical termination is the end of May.

Other options are to go to a private clinic although the wait there is quite long too, or go for medical management, which they may be able to do sooner. I am terrified of the latter option, I know that is pathetic. It just seems so horribly traumatic. And I'm shit with pain, can't lie.

What should I do? I simply can't bear to be pregnant with a growing baby for another month. It's a special kind of torture. Is it normal to have to wait this long?

As previous thread says, this is my second TFMR in six months and I feel utterly broken by it.

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 10:28:32

i am so sorry happy how far along are you?

i recent had a mmc at 14+2. babys hb stopped a couple of days before. suspected pataus. i was really lucky and they got me in for surgical management the next day.

i would try ringing your midwife or.the hospital and hope to catch somebody sympathetic who can push this through. Make sure you mention your previous experience.

I would be worried about this, my hospital were very reluctant to do surgical at my stage and only did because baby was small. The longer you leave it the more likely it is you will have to labour and give birth. not what you want to hear i know.

so very sorry.

Happenedagain2017 Mon 08-May-17 10:34:27

Hi Ginger, I am so sorry about your loss. My last TFMR was for Patau. I have spoken to the midwife twice this morning. She won't budge - says other ladies are in the same position. I am currently 12 weeks and a bit. I was just managing to get my head round it with the anticipation that I could have a surgical termination this week or at worst next, and at least it would be over. When the midwife told me not for nearly four weeks I must admit I slightly lost it. She said I might be able to go for medical management this week or next, she's checking it out. It just seems so unnecessarily traumatic compared to surgical - neither ideal clearly. This sounds awful but I am worried about the effect on my DH seeing me go through it. God, this is really a nightmare.

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 10:46:13

do you mind if i ask what this one is for? dont tell me if you dont want to. im just curious because of my patau pregnancy.

i had a stillborn previous to this and an mmc before that so worry theres something going on.

are there any other hospitals nearby? i read a thread recently about someone who went to marie stopes. they were complaining about how they were treat but when i read the thread i thougut i would prefer that. basically straight in and out not much emotion involved.

if i were u and there is really no option until then i would likely go for medical. the only reason i say that is because the heartbeat could stop at anytime and a mc could start. i would rather have some sort of control over it than be taken by surprise iyswim.

your dp will be fine im sure. you will be well looked after and medicated in hospital and if it is more mc like you will pass things over the loo so dp wont have to see anything he doesnt want to. i know its awful but when my ds was stillborn i just kept telling myself its just one day then it will be over.

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 10:46:40

could be worth enquiring with bupa too.

TheClacksAreDown Mon 08-May-17 10:48:49

That is awful. Barbaric to make you wait that long. What about travelling further afield to another hospital? Even if it involved a night in a hotel surely that would be preferable to waiting so long.

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 10:50:44

bpas offer the surgical management - could you speak to them?

Happenedagain2017 Mon 08-May-17 10:59:18

Hi again Ginger.

This one is Downs. I should say I am old - 44! There's no evidence that it is genetic based on previous CVS for Patau so for me it's almost certainly age related. I am very fortunate that I do have two lovely kids already. It sounds as though you have had a horrific time, really sending you so much sympathy.

So, they have got me in for the medical on Thursday, and will stay overnight. Not great, but I think you're right, my best option.

Weirdly I don't really want my husband to stay with me. I think I'd be better off handling it myself. Thanks so much for responding to me, I really appreciate it.

Whymeagain1 Mon 08-May-17 10:59:38

Hi, I am so sorry to hear this, I remember you from an earlier thread. I had a medically managed tfmr last year, if you would any information, I am happy to answer as honestly as I can. Just like Gingerbreadmam has said, it is one day and the staff were respectful and kind. I was in a special bereavement suite. Also I was offered whatever pain medication I wanted. I suppose what I'm trying clumsily to say is, if medical is the quickest available option, it is bearable and may be better than such a long wait.

Happenedagain2017 Mon 08-May-17 11:05:31

Hello Whyme. I am slightly haunting these threads at the moment I'm afraid! It's so incredibly helpful to talk to people who have been here. They seem to want me to go in overnight for this, but did say I would be offered pain relief. I have taken up the offer of medical management for exactly those reasons - not my preferred choice by any stretch but I want to be home (not pregnant) for the weekend and to be able to start some sort of recovery from this. God knows what I'm going to tell the kids, really don't want them to know anything about this, but my DD has asked me several times why my eyes are red!

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 11:19:56

can you tell the kids you have to go away for work or something? do they know about the pregnancy?

have you had a diagnostic test for the downs? silly question probably!

although hospital want you to stay in it might go quicker than expected and you may be allowed home.

you will be well looked after im hospital. again i am very sorry you have to go through this flowers

Whymeagain1 Mon 08-May-17 11:21:34

Blimey, don't apologise for posting, it's such an awful, unbelievable situation to be in that to talk to those who understand helps so much.

I ended up staying the night, my husband stayed too, as everything happened late at night (only because they lost some paperwork and didn't start the process until the afternoon). I downloaded loads of easy read books, silly, don't need to think games and took rubbish magazines. The pain relief you can have is wide and you can have as much or little as you feel like. I would say go for whatever you need to get through.

I have two primary school aged children and we told them that the baby was poorly and had died. I think it helped them knowing why I was crying a lot and so sad, especially when my hormones crashed. They are so much more open and accepting of grief than adults.

I was 16 weeks then. I am now 19 weeks with a second high risk pregnancy and we haven't told them I'm pregnant yet, but if we get the bad news at the detailed scan this week then again we will tell them before I have to go in for the tfmr.

Happenedagain2017 Mon 08-May-17 11:35:36

Hi Ginger, No, the kids don't know. Yes, I think that's what I will tell them. I have had a CVS so waiting the results but there are so many markers that I am in very little doubt, NT, bloods, and heart, all wrong.

Whyme, I will certainly be availing myself of the pain relief!! I am not brave at all in that respect! I am really worried about the hormonal rollercoaster afterwards. Because of the Downs I think, my HCG is currently about four times higher than normal so I am expecting that to be more extreme.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing another high risk pregnancy - you must be terrified about the scan, sending you all the good wishes and luck in the world.

Although it seems crazy to be thinking about this now, I am wondering if we can bear to try one more time. Even thinking that seems like a kind of madness as at my age and history it is almost bound to happen again. But it is so hard to end on this note and let go of the dream of what our family might have been.

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 11:44:09

before my most recent pregnancy i did think i wouldnt put myself through it again but i am waiting to get into the rmc system. i think these things make you realise you are stronger than you know.

that is very sad and must have been a terrible shock after your last pregnancy. i hope you get your results soon. i know it helps to have answers.

ask for everything in hospital, there is no need to be in more pain. i will be thinking of you. just focus on the weekend and the physical side being over.

Happenedagain2017 Mon 08-May-17 11:49:30

Ginger, I hope so much that you get some answers.

I read something elsewhere on this site about this being about the balance between hope and fear - when hope outweighs fear you keep going, and when fear outweighs hope, you tend to stop. I'm not absolutely sure where I am on that equation at the moment.

I do feel as though I am probably being sent a message from the universe - stop now!! But I am not absolutely sure I want to listen!

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 12:20:53

it's hard to know isnt it. i guess see how you cope with this weekend then think how you would feel if you had to go through it again?

if you have gotten pregnant easily i would probably still have hope.

GreedyDuck Mon 08-May-17 12:26:38

Oh happened, I'm so sorry that the hospital were so unhelpful. I threw a shit fit at the fetal medicine coordinator when she told me I'd have to wait three weeks before they would consider tfmr (contradicting what I'd been told at UCH). It's just torturous.

I went back and forth between being sure I wanted surgical, to being convinced that medical would be better. In the end, it's all shit though.

I had my ERPC last Thursday in the end, only two days after they discovered the poor baby had given up the ghost. They will only usually do surgical up to 14 weeks, but as it was measuring 12 they did it anyway. Whole thing feels surreal and like it never even happened now. I think medical might have given me more closure in an odd sort of a way.

I hope the drugs do the trick and it is swift and as pain free as possible so you can get on with healing. flowers

GreedyDuck Mon 08-May-17 12:27:56

Oh, and I am still hoping. I'm not ready to admit defeat just yet, I've conceived 4x in four years, despite being 43 now, there has to be another good egg in there somewhere.

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 12:30:59

just to agree with what greedy said. it is quite surreal just waking up and not being pregnant anymore and like it never happened. im finally back at work and really feel like nothing has happened and am being treat that way too! people have no idea.

namechange20050 Mon 08-May-17 12:34:00

Hello op. I've been through this. Hope you are doing ok. There are clinics all over the country that you could go to; I travelled for 2 hours to be able to get mine done in the same week. Call BPAS and explain the situation, they may well be able to fast track you because of your circumstances but you'll have to be flexible with regard to location. I had to wait a week. I would advise you to chose surgical management while you are asleep. That way you wake up & it's done.

shakeyospeare Mon 08-May-17 12:38:56

OP, I have nothing much to add, only that I am sending you lots of love at what must be such a difficult time flowers

Happenedagain2017 Mon 08-May-17 12:46:41

Hello my fellow travellers in shitness, thanks so much as always for responding. As I say no matter how much family try to help - it's not them! So comforting to speak to people who know. I'm waiting for bpas to call to see what they can offer. If it's not this week I will stick with the medical. Had surgical before, absolutely know that would be my clear preference, but unthinkable to spend another weekend pregnant and sick as a dog. I've been sick for weeks now and if I am to grasp a very very tarnished silver lining I guess that could be one.

After the last surgical I woke up a bit confused(!) and told the anaesthetist that he looked just like my friends husband but don't worry he wasn't the father of the baby. WTF!?! Think the poor guy was still in training, he looked horrified.

Re hope, I'm seeing a geneticist at kings tomorrow. I want to ask whether two in a row suggests my eggs are buggered or whether I could just both times have been the one in whatever for my age. Sure she won't really be able to say but still ... worth a try.

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 13:36:22

happened my stillborn son had a very rare physical dissability 1:10000 chance something like that. just a chance occurence. next pregnancy pataus which i think is about the same odds. i reckon when i do speak to anybody who can bloody help they will say chance. its crazy. im 32 so already shitting myself about what is in store for us next.

Happenedagain2017 Mon 08-May-17 13:44:50

Ginger you poor thing. Hoping and wishing for better luck in the future. 32 means you've got a bit of time I guess but I don't want to sound like I'm doing that awful 'you can try again' thing.

Gingerbreadmam Mon 08-May-17 14:21:44

i know. i feel like time is on my side but now ive had a trisomy i think is that it? goodness knows! i did read somewhere that age 32 was the most.common maternal age for pataus which is rather random!

we can only try i suppose. keep talking here if you need support. it is heartbreaking being pregnant knowing you are not going to get the outcome you had hoped for.

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