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Late miscarriage 20 weeks

(19 Posts)
Thislittlelight Sat 22-Apr-17 10:01:01

I never thought I'd have to say this but on Easter Day we lost our tiny DD at 20 weeks. The labour was spontaneous and quick and I became very ill afterwards so we stayed in hospital for a couple of days. Although the whole experience has been horrendous of course, the treatment and support we've received have been incredible. SANDS is now a cause that will be very close to my heart forever more.

We haven't seen her yet but we are going to next week. I'm very nervous about that but I think it will be very important in my own recovery and the hospital are being so considerate about how we do it, so I hope it will bring some comfort. We've chosen a beautiful name for her and we will have a small funeral service very soon, so it won't be long now until she is resting in peace.

We have all had lots of tests to see if we can find out what happened. We are keen to try again eventually but I'm worried that it won't happen for us or that I might go through all this again one day. I'm really not sure I could handle that.

I'm trying to take each day at a time but each day brings new challenges at the moment. Today I'm thinking a lot about several friends with due dates very close to mine. It's a few months away but I know it will be agony for me when their little ones start to arrive. I genuinely don't know how I will cope with that.

Thank you so much if you have taken the time to read this far. It's just such a relief to get things down in black and white and start to make sense of them.

CassandraAusten Sat 22-Apr-17 10:25:24

So sorry to hear this OP flowers

ForeverHopeful21 Sat 22-Apr-17 10:27:56

Littlelight I'm so so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how awful it's been for you. No one deserves to go through this.
It's so hard when people around are pregnant or having babies and are happy. Some will have no idea how lucky they are. Hopefully your friends will understand if you keep your distance.
Take each day as it comes.
Sending love x

AlcoholAndIrony Sat 22-Apr-17 10:29:26

Didn't want to read and run. Thoughts are with you

Thislittlelight Sat 22-Apr-17 11:53:50

Thanks for your kind words, they all help.

There are a lot of physical and mental things to deal with. I didn't think I had much of a bump before but my tummy feels so flat and empty now, it's a constant reminder.

If anyone else has been unfortunate enough to find themselves in a similar situation, I'd really appreciate any ideas for ways to try and move onwards and upwards, while still remembering and honouring DD's short life. We have a set of her little footprints which I'm very proud of, they're just so perfect.

DancingUnicorn Sat 22-Apr-17 15:00:16

Wow littlelight. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. 💐

ChickenBhuna Sat 22-Apr-17 15:16:41

Littlelight- I'm so sorry for your loss.

My partner and I lost out daughter at 23 weeks last year , it was a little different for us as we had an early induction (Tfmr) due to finding out she was very sick but all other details are the same. I went through labour and had to leave the hospital without my baby.

We named her and organised her cremation , her ashes are scattered at the beautiful baby garden of our local cemetery.

The only things I can say are practical things OP. I don't know if you work but a doctor will sign you off for whatever period you desire (normally in 6 week increments) , just make sure you will recieve sick pay for your time off. I took six weeks off and that was right for me.

Also people will not know what to say to you about the loss of your baby. They will put their feet in their mouths constantly! Just tell them what happened if they want to know and it will give them the green light to ask questions without making you feel awkward.

We bought a memorial to put fresh flowers in at home with her name on it (that was important to us as obviously there is no birth certificate) and we have a Christmas decoration with her initials to remember her. We also havea memory box with special things we chose for her during pregnancy.

I've probably gone on a bit , so sorry about that , but there's one thing I wanted to leave you with - right now it probably feels like you'll never smile again , never be okay with hearing a tiny baby cry again...but you will. Things get easier as you pass the due date and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm sorry for your loss flowers

Thislittlelight Sat 22-Apr-17 16:41:55

It was lovely to read your post, ChickenBhuna. It's just so nice to know that there are other people who have been there and who understand.

I'm self-employed so we will get very little financial support (don't get me started on that) but we will manage. In fact it means I can be flexible about returning to work gradually as and when I feel ready, and I have very understanding clients who I know will make it as easy as possible.

Your memorials for your daughter sound just beautiful. We have decided that we will have DD's name inscribed in the baby garden on the other side of town but her ashes will be at our local cemetery that we can easily walk to and visit regularly if we like. I feel really reassured that she will be as close as possible.

ChickenBhuna Sat 22-Apr-17 16:57:57

I'm sorry your financial support is minimal Littlelight. I hope you are able to take the time you need to recover.

Do you know how soon you'll get the test results? Did you have the karyotype test on your placenta?

Passthebiscuit Sat 22-Apr-17 17:03:11

Very sorry to hear that OP. If you wish to share the name of your DD in due course we will all be happy to hear about her. Thinking of you all and glad you sound like you are receiving support xx

Thislittlelight Sat 22-Apr-17 17:18:35

We have a meeting with the consultant and midwife in July to talk through all the test results in detail.
There have certainly been a lot of tests done on the placenta because at this stage we suspect that that's where the problem lies.

ChickenBhuna Sat 22-Apr-17 17:44:34

I see , Littlelight , it must be hard waiting. Make sure your consultant writes a letter to your GP and sends you a copy also. It'll help massively in the future.

I hope you get some clarity with your results , it's rather a bittersweet occasion collecting them as either way it's difficult. Whilst you have that closure , you may hear that your child was genetically "normal" which brings a great sense of sadness but also relief as reoccurrence is about 1% likely. It's hard to know how to feel until you have all of the information you can lay your hands on.

One thing I will say though is that knowledge is power. You obviously can't turn back time but we've found comfort in learning everything we can about our daughter's condition and what we can do (however small) to prevent having another child that's affected. That's really the best anyone can do.

Starshine1 Sat 22-Apr-17 20:06:01

So sorry for your loss- just wanted to send hugs xx

carameldecaflatte Sat 22-Apr-17 21:07:38

Oh Thislittlelight I'm so sorry for the loss of your tiny DD.

I lost my DS at 20 weeks in 2008. I didn't have too much support irl apart from my dh who was as broken as me. I think because many people just didn't know what to say and then didn't want to talk about it after a while for fear of upsetting me. And then of course there are the ones that said the most inappropriate and unhelpful things and expected me to just get over it and "move on".

I felt utterly lost for a long time but I started a blog and wrote my heart out and found friends who had also lost children. I'm still in touch with many of them now.

We decided to make the day of his birth an adventure day to (excuse the cheesiness) celebrate the love that made him. We have visited country parks, lit candles on beaches at sunset and sunrise, and since we had our ds2 (now almost 5) had weekends and weeks away. I made silver jewellery and stamped his name on it; we bought engraved glass hearts with our ds' names, planted a rose and I've been trying to work up the courage for a few years to have a tattoo of either ds' footprint on my foot or handprint near my heart. Maybe this year will be the year.

I still shed a few tears for him but, almost 9 years on, it is just part of my life and it's as ok as it can be.

The most useful thing I was told was that there is no wrong way to grieve. Whatever you feel, whenever you feel it is right and ok. It's ok to laugh too. We laughed in the hospital in between the crying. It's horrible and rubbish but you will survive.

My very very best wishes to you. flowers

Thislittlelight Sat 22-Apr-17 21:26:40

What a heartening post caramel, thank you so much. Such lovely ways to remember your DS1. I love the idea of turning it into a special day for everyone. Have you explained DS1's story to DS2?

Do you have a link to your blog? It's something I'd be interested to read if you don't mind sharing.

Thislittlelight Mon 24-Apr-17 15:56:47

We went to see DD for the first time today. It was difficult but I needn't have been nervous. Everyone was so thoughtful and though she is so very tiny she looked comfortable and peaceful. I'm glad we did it.

carameldecaflatte Tue 25-Apr-17 07:58:18

Ds2 knows I had a baby that died in my tummy before we had him, He knows he has a big brother and his name and that we go on an adventure on the day he was born but no particular details. I answer questions honestly and simply if and when he asks. My Dad died in January and DS is a little obsessed with death at the moment so is asking more questions about his brother and all his toys are dying when he plays, which is a little uncomfortable but it's his way of working things out so we're just going with it.

I'm glad you saw your DD, I know many people can't do it but I do think it can help you grieve. flowers

I have sent you a pm.


Hobbitch Tue 25-Apr-17 08:37:07

I've been where you are OP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you... It's such a tough introduction to pregnancy and parenthood. You just don't think it can happen after 12 weeks when it's your first, and the grief is unbearable.

I found out we'd lost the baby when we went for our 20-week scan. She had actually passed away at 15 weeks. As a result we couldn't bring ourselves to ask to see her when she was born, we were too scared of what she might look like... I'm really glad you were able to see your daughter. I sometimes wish I had been braver.

We found the post-mortem results took forever to come back. It was an agonising wait and in the meantime we just kept going one day at a time. I found I couldn't talk to anyone about it except my husband and a therapist (who really helped me come to terms with my grief). Like you I couldn't bear the thought of being around my pregnant friends and avoided them studiously - one of them announced her pregnancy a few weeks after our loss and I was devastated for days. I felt like the worst friend for not being able to be happy for her, I just sent her a quick text then took months to get in touch again... It's really tough and I feel for you, there is no easy way to deal with it, you just have to allow yourself to grieve in your own way.

Personally I couldn't bear the thought of getting to my due date without being pregnant again, and my husband felt ready to try again too so we tried again straight away and I got pregnant immediately. When we went to the post-mortem appointment with the consultant I was already pregnant... There was nothing wrong with the baby we had lost, or with the placenta, which in a way was good news as it meant there was nothing stopping us from having a normal pregnancy next time around. We'll never know why we lost her though and sometimes it feels pretty unfair, but there is nothing we can do about it.

The second pregnancy was highly stressful, we were terrified of another loss and I watched everything I was doing and eating just in case. It didn't help that I had quite a lot of bleeding in the early weeks, thankfully it was only a hematoma and the pregnancy continued. I had to deal with my family's anxiety too, which was quite a bit of added stress... We had a lot of reassurance scans and appointments. When my son was born overdue and completely healthy it was the best feeling in the world. Having him has helped us further with our grief. If we hadn't lost his sister, we wouldn't have him, and we just can't imagine life without him.

I had a very early miscarriage since and am now 27 weeks pregnant with another little girl... This pregnancy has been much more relaxed. We don't have all the reassurance appointments but that's a good thing, and I don't feel the need to regiment my every little intake of caffeine or whatever.

I know all this feels a long way away for you because you're in the thick of it but as previous posters have said, it does get better. I really hope your next pregnancy will be as boring as can be and you'll be able to give your child a cuddle. In the meantime look after yourself and just do what you need to do, there's no right or wrong way to handle such a loss... flowers

Thislittlelight Tue 25-Apr-17 15:16:54

Thanks for sharing your experience hob. I agree it's been the hardest possible introduction to parenthood, pregnancy and birth. I'm quite cautious about pregnancy generally and I had only just started to let myself relax and get excited, so the timing feels particularly cruel.

If we do try again we will be monitored very closely which I find reassuring and I do like to think there could be a glimmer of hope in the future.

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