For those doing it alone (+ chance to rant)(1 Post)
This is for anyone who doesn’t have a partner, to anyone who lost a baby conceived through a one night stand, a failed relationship, or by an ex partner, for girls who are young and in many peoples eyes, ‘shouldn’t have been pregnant anyway’. Because that’s me, and back when it first hit me, I wish I could read more from people like me.
Its been a week and a half since my miscarriage started; I’d only known I was pregnant for 6 days. My gp confirmed a chemical pregnancy; from a calculation of the dates I was only 4 weeks along.
Some background information on me; I’m 18, a model, straight A student, at university in a city I don’t know too well. Getting pregnant; whilst it was never my intention; affected me more than I thought anything could. Until now, I have told 4 people; one of whom, being the father; the rest being my flatmates. After an intense fling of a few weeks with an older boy I met through university; my heart was left slightly torn up by the fact afterward I was told my feelings towards him were far from reciprocated. I responded to the ignored text messages, and his awful words by doing what any student does, I drunk myself stupid on a Saturday night. Sunday morning; I was sick like I never had been before; hungover of course; and I deserved it. Monday; I was sick again; and the smell of my flat mates cooking confined me to my room. I’d convinced myself I was suffering the hangover of all times and I swore I would never drink again. Tuesday; sick; and when I couldn’t eat the food id been bought at work, a joke was thrown around that I could be pregnant. I’m not sure if I believe in fate, or just coincidence; but the same day I crossed paths with said boy; and it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, I was pregnant. After frantically texting a friend we picked up pregnancy tests. It was just 3 days after the so called ‘2 week wait’, I think that’s right? And I read to get the clearest result you should wait until the morning; because your hormones are more concentrated, but I couldn’t wait. I did the test. 30 seconds, only 1 line, 1 minute, only 1 line; I started to think maybe I was just suffering a hangover from hell. 1 minute 30; 2 lines. 2 lines, faint, but there was no denying it. I took the other test, different brand, exactly the same. I got my friend to check; to see I wasn’t going insane; and I wasn’t. 18; heartbroken, and pregnant, with a boy who couldn’t bare to be around me. I told him; I had to, morally; he told me he cared, showered me with compliments about how strong I am, he came and saw me as soon as he could, on the face of it, he did everything right; yet when I think back, I still have the messages, the first thing he said to me when he found out, he told me how much he really didn’t want a baby right now, then told me how amazing my life will be. I should’ve seen straight through it; this façade. He didn’t care; he just panicked that in his mind; I was about to ruin his life. I never had time to think about it; I just agreed with everything he said, I told him I’d deal with it, that he wouldn’t have to worry. He agreed to meet me for lunch once it was all ‘sorted’. When I started bleeding three days later; I knew what was happening. I couldn’t get to a dr until the next day; but I didn’t need anyone to tell me what was happening.I should’ve seen straight through it; this façade. He didn’t care; he just panicked that in his mind; I was about to ruin his life. I never had time to think about it; I just agreed with everything he said, I told him I’d deal with it, that he wouldn’t have to worry. He agreed to meet me for lunch once it was all ‘sorted’. When I started bleeding three days later; I knew what was happening. I couldn’t get to a dr until the next day; but I didn’t need any one to tell me what was happening to my body. This was when I realised I was doing this by myself; and when I realised I couldn’t find stories online of girls in my situation. The guy didn’t care, he said maybe it was easier it was happening this way, he ignores me now,; and he cancelled the lunch. Im assuming in his mind; im out of his life now.
Just because I never intended on getting pregnant, and just because he never loved me, it doesn’t mean I didn’t love the little life I would’ve had. I chose a name, because I was sick of saying ‘it’. He didn’t care about that either. Im normally a very logical person; and the idea of grieving someone I never met seemed foreign to me until a few weeks ago, but I’m feeling the full force of it now; and it hurts more than anything I could’ve ever imagine. All the whilst, the father is feeling nothing; or at least hes doing a pretty good job at acting it. I suppose it’s a strengthening experience, to handle two peoples losses by yourself; I’m trying to draw out as many positives I can. I’m still not feeling very well, and the girls who joked about me being pregnant mentioned it again today; and I want to tell them, but; this guy; he holds much more power than me, I was a dirty little secret in his eyes; and I can’t bare to ruin his life, and anyway, he’d be able to ruin mine twice as quickly. I still feel slightly nauseous when I wake up; and I don’t like seeing the old blood; or my positive tests, and I wish I could cry to him, but someone somewhere decided I was strong enough to do this by myself. I guess, to anyone who’s grieving a loss like this alone, we just have to have such big hearts that we love our little ones doubly. Im not ashamed of it.
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