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Not trying again

(13 Posts)
OohNoDooEy Mon 17-Apr-17 22:52:38

After a horrible mmc last year, we've decided to not ttc. I think this is the right decision but somehow I can't move on. I can't get over the fact that we should be getting ready for a baby.

Not really sure why I'm posting but still feeling sad when I should be over it.

PossibiliTea Mon 17-Apr-17 23:15:07

Why should you be over it? You need to take whatever time it takes. Take care of yourself and feel how you want to feel, focus on things you used to enjoy that you could look forward to again, but it's ok to be sad. Talk about it if you need to- have you got people around you who you can lean on? flowers

OohNoDooEy Mon 17-Apr-17 23:25:04

Kind of - dh is here but I don't think he really gets it if I'm honest. Friends seem uncomfortable with me talking about it. It's as though the answer it to try again but that's not the answer for me

PossibiliTea Tue 18-Apr-17 09:09:35

Hmm I know what you mean. It's not the answer for everyone though. It's such a hard time anyway, just take each day as it comes.

amazingrobot Tue 18-Apr-17 09:12:39

Hi ooey- as of this morning I am in a similar position (albeit with dc already). I am currently almost certainly undergoing a mc at 6 weeks and my dh has said he doesn't want to ttc again. I am heartbroken so I can totally empathise. Was it a joint decision?

OohNoDooEy Tue 18-Apr-17 10:39:07

Sorry amazing it's a horrible thing to go through. Your dh might change his mind in time.

I've been very undecided about trying again - keep on changing my mind. I'm back on contraception though.

I'm very happy with the one child and the Mc wasn't a baby we were trying for, it was just one whoops.

I'm feeling better today. I think I need to stop drinking for a while as it's not agreeing with me at the moment. I just get a bit maudlin.

Thanks for listening.

amazingrobot Tue 18-Apr-17 10:52:30

Yes, not really sure how to move on with dh at the moment. All I want is him to reassure me that we can try again and it's the one thing he won't do.

It sounds as though you are a bit ahead of me in terms of coming to terms with it, but don't dismiss the pain. Even if you are ambivalent about wanting another, it is hard to close the door on something so huge.

FrazzleRock Wed 19-Apr-17 15:42:40

OohNoDooEy I am so sorry you are going through this shitty time.
Like amazingrobot my DP also refuses to try again. I pretend I think I have a handle on it but, in reality, I have no fucking clue. I am miserable every single day.
I have been so low at times that I wan the universe to take me away - I'm not religious but you know what I mean. Just this weekend I had bad thoughts about evaporating into thin air.
Thing is, have two DC from a previous marriage so this feeling makes me feel terribly guilty. I am so grateful for every day I get to spend with them, but nothing can make up for the pain of losing two babies last year and then being unable to heal with a rainbow baby -
Something that seems so normal in the babyloss world. Just looking through the miscarriage topic on Mn and all I see are posts about trying again. Most of the time I just feel pretty broken and have no idea how to put myself back together again.

Pregnant women and babies are everywhere, and my DP's family have been very unsupportive. DP has also struggled to contain his frustration with me. Often lashes out at me in desperation for his life back. It's all pretty fucking shit.

I wish I had some words of advice! flowers

OohNoDooEy Wed 19-Apr-17 16:11:21

Frazzle that's so tough and can see why it is hard on your relationship. Has it been a long time since you miscarried?

I think sometimes it can help to look at why they don't want to try again. Is it because they are content with how things are and don't want the craziness of a new baby? Is it fear of going through another loss? Are they thinking about finances and practicalities?

If you can understand why they're feeling that way, it may help.

DH doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through really. I think he hadn't got as attached as me, although he was genuinely happy and excited when we found out I was pg. I do have a friend who has the same due date and it is especially hard when I've seen her - she knows and isn't especially sensitive to my emotions. I'm also at the age where all my friends are expecting their first, so I'm just surrounded by baby showers etc.

I am looking forward to getting beyond my due date as I think that'll help.

FrazzleRock Wed 19-Apr-17 16:28:34

We lost our little girl last February. We lost another (much earlier) last May. Our first loss was a surprise pregnancy. Completely out of the blue given the fact I have fertility issues and struggled massively to fall pregnant with my DC.
DP never wanted children of his own but was happy to be step father to mine. Our second loss, we did try for. But after that he went back to his old way of thinking, also finances are a massive issue. I am actually going to be working from home in another field soon. A decision I made in order to be able to have a rainbow. But the more time goes on, the more certain he is that he does not want a child of his own. He has nearly left me several times because I am struggling so much. Most of the time he can be supportive and encourage me with my writing (blog) and raising awareness. Another problem we have encountered are his family. They just don't get it at all. They think all the efforts we (or I) put into remembering our little girl are a bad idea and we (I) should move on now. They don't seem to understand that the more they dismiss our baby and our loss, the harder it is to move on. DP says he is stuck in the middle as he can see their POV as well as mine. Also not helped by a new baby in the family having just been born last week, which is dad is all over.
Its an impossible situation.
Like you, I am also at an age where everyone is having babies. Even my ex (DC's dad) had a baby a few weeks ago. And so many other couples around us are too. All I see is happy new parents and all I can do is feel sorry for myself. Wishing I had mine in my arms or in my tummy.
I've hidden so many people on FB, and I am constantly hiding threads on MN.

I have tried counselling, CBT, Mindfulness. They work for a bit, but I always fall back.

I hit rock bottom at the weekend and told a close friend about it. She flipped and refused to help me any more. I'm pushing people away.

Our due date was 24th September for our little girl. We planted a tree in our garden and created a little garden for her. Our second was due in January. It was a big milestone

OohNoDooEy Wed 19-Apr-17 17:40:06

frazzle I don't think losing a baby when you're really far along is something that you do get over. I think it is something you get used to living with.

You must have been over 4 months to know it was a girl. It is something that breaks couples up when you're not on the same page. It is a shame that people don't seem to understand irl.

Have you spoken to your gp?

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis Wed 19-Apr-17 19:35:52

I'm in two minds as to whether I can face trying again. Have had three early mc's and am seemingly surrounded by people having children. Sometimes I just want to go away and cry whenever anyone asks if we are having another. I'd like DS to have a sibling but my body had other ideas! Can't bring myself to sell the baby things just yet but have just come out of a break from ttc-img after the latest mc in Jan.

Ultimately I think that everyone deals with these things very differently. If you are feeling low talk to your GP as you might be depressed or could benefit from taking with someone who isn't family. The last mc I dealt with by not telling anyone apart from DH and my parents because taking about it made me feel strangled by the pain of it all.

FrazzleRock Thu 20-Apr-17 11:54:57

It is a real shame people don't understand. It has completely blindsided me to be honest at the amount of judging and also the minimising of our loss. A loss is a loss and people don't seem to realise that or even attempt to try to understand.
I've not spokent o my GP about it since all the counselling, CBT, and mindfulness. I'm also on AD's. I'm not sure what else he could suggest to be honest. I don't want to increase my ADs. I've also got some great friends who I talk to.
Some days I feel ok, but I just cannot shake this desperate need to try again. It is like it is some primal need, like I'll die without it. I lve in fear of the next pregnancy announcement and when I see pregnant women or someone is pregnant on TV my anxieties shoot through the roof and I want to burst into tears.

Its ridiculous and taking over my life

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