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How to move forward

(31 Posts)
DancingUnicorn Sat 15-Apr-17 12:31:23

On 31st March, at my 12 week scan, we found out that I'd had a mmc. I had surgical management the following Monday.

I know it was still very recent. I feel like I'm still healing physically, but mostly feeling back to my pre-pregnant self. But emotionally, I feel like every day gets harder. I feel like everything in the world is just a little bit darker than it was before. I could just sit and cry, all day. It's so hard to comprehend that just a few weeks ago my life was filled with so much joy. It's hard to imagine finding joy in trying to conceive or pregnancy ever again.

I feel guilty for feeling so sad. I just don't know what to do. I'm better when I need to go out, and coping ok at work, but I just fall to pieces when I'm at home.

Sorry for the moan. I just don't know where else to turn.

emvy Sat 15-Apr-17 13:43:13

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling DancingUnicorn sad. With only being a few weeks ahead of you, I don't have that much advice as to when it gets better I'm afraid but I do understand. It's just awful. Everything felt so much sunnier when I was pregnant. If ever I was stressed or down about something I would think, "Oh well, I'm pregnant!" And would feel so much better. All that is gone now. If I'm honest, the past few days have been a bit better for me. I can't promise you that you'll suddenly wake up one morning and feel better because I don't know if I'll still feel like this tomorrow, it's highly likely that I won't. But the other day I was driving home from a day out with a friend and my dog and I suddenly realised I was happy. I was happy with other areas of my life again. I was looking forward to doing up my house, something I'd had to put on hold when we thought we were expecting. I was looking forward to summer filled with sunny dog walks and time with friends and family. I was looking forward to being pregnant again and it didn't fill me complete and utter panic.

I guess what I'm saying is, I feel like I'm coming out the other side and I hope that soon you'll feel that way too. But don't ever feel guilty about still feeling sad because you are allowed to feel this way for as long as you need to recover. And I get it. It sucks. Everything is crap. EVERYTHING. But it's ok to not be ok, let yourself cry if you need to. It won't last forever and you will get through this. Until then, and even afterwards, we are here for you.

Sorry for the essay!

DancingUnicorn Sat 15-Apr-17 14:42:33

Thanks emvy it means a lot.

I definitely have moments where I feel ok. Especially when I'm busy. It really does suck. I'm sure I will come out the other side too, I will have to. Just right now it's literally on my mind all the time. I can do other things, but they're always second to this grief, this knowledge.

I'm so grateful to all my friends, who have been loving and supportive. And I'm grateful to the incredible support of strangers on the internet, who have let me know it is ok to be not ok.

conkerchops Sat 15-Apr-17 14:43:25

So sorry to hear your are struggling. @dancingunicorn - we found out a couple of days before you at our 12 week scan too - so I am really where you're at too -
Physically feeling pretty much back to normal - and that's with having the sepsis and retained products have having to have the surgery twice - but emotionally it is tough - super tough. Like
Envy though I have had some
Days - particularly this week where
I've been able to
Be out in the sun with friends and dd and ds and I have felt properly happy and able to take real pleasure in the things that we've done! I'm looking forward to
Moving into our new house and to summer holidays which we thought we may not get when I was pregnant! However I am terrified at the idea of being pregnant again even though it is the thing we want most as I dread the deep deep darkness we felt when we found out the baby had died.
My counsellor tells me that I need to take it one day at a time and be v v kind and gentle with myself - and she reminds me how resilient and strong I can be and how far I have come already - which is sometimes pretty hard to feel for myself! There is no time limit
In how long we are allowed to feel sad for or how long this will take - it is mega rubbish but we will all get there - sending you hugs xxx

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 14:48:42

Don't feel guilty for struggling. That's the main thing. You have suffered a loss. My first pg ended just like this and I felt like the bottom fell out of my world. At times I would cope and then I would fall into a deep depression. It takes time. And it isn't a case that you will feel better and better. You might be fine then it'll hit you again. By you will learn to live with it. My loss was many years ago and I can think of it and feel sad but it doesn't cross my mind that often. Be kind to yourself. flowers

DancingUnicorn Sat 15-Apr-17 14:49:41

Thanks conker. It means so much. I'm so sorry about everything you've been through. I know I will get there with time. I still enjoy moments, it just feels as though they are slightly veiled with this dark tinge. I guess in time, that will lift.

For now, I guess just one foot in front of the other. And pick ourselves up if we fall.

💐

FuckDietCoke Sat 15-Apr-17 15:03:26

Oh dancing I feel your pain. I feel like I'm physically better but emotionally I get worse... I know it couldn't be helped but it still hits me at random times.

I hope you feel better soon. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the Easter weekend flowers

emvy Sat 15-Apr-17 15:16:52

Everything you describe seems so familiar DancingUnicorn. I know it's not much but I hope that you feel a little comfort in knowing that you are not alone in feeling this way. As you say, if being busy helps, keep busy and then allow yourself a little down time everyday to think and feel. I hope you find some enjoyment over Easter. Eat all the chocolate you can if nothing else!

PossibiliTea Mon 17-Apr-17 00:14:44

I'm so sorry things don't seem to be getting better, I don't have any advice unfortunately because I'm going through exactly the same thing...so just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I think it is normal! Our timings and the fact it was MMC seem to be the same too.

I'm still not physically right, but getting there (I hope? Back at the docs weds after being in and out of the EPU) but last night I started crying and I just couldn't stop. Like you said I just feel down about everything.

I think you are right in what you are saying and it will just take time.

It sounds so shallow and wouldn't fix anything I know, but I'm thinking of booking a holiday or something just so there is something to look forward to. Although I got pretty annoyed when my OH said we shouldn't even book anywhere until I'm better.. argh! Anyway, maybe you could sort something like a weekend away for sometime soon?

DancingUnicorn Mon 17-Apr-17 09:19:17

Thanks tea.

I'm sorry you're not physically better yet. That sounds horrible. I'm still bleeding very lightly, not fresh, but annoying. About to go and take another hpt, desperately hoping for a negative! I also seem to get loads of stomach/abdominal aches. Which is annoying too. But nothing really serious, and overall I feel physically better than when I was pregnant which I resent!

The Easter weekend, being busy and a tonne of singing has helped, but I'm better when I'm busy. It's the quiet that gets me down.

I'm currently at my in-laws for the first time since it happened. I know it's irrational, but I feel like I let everyone down. They were all so excited about this baby, and I failed them! (I know it wasn't my fault, but it feels like this anyway!!)

PossibiliTea Mon 17-Apr-17 10:56:44

Yes DancingUnicorn I get those aches too it's so frustrating. You really shouldn't feel like you let anyone down, although I keep having that thought I have to keep reminding myself that this is something we have no control over.

I know how excited everyone was, and how upset my mum and boyfriends mum was when I told them what happened. It's just a generally horrible time and I think every single possible thought goes through your mind. But as you say you know it's irrational it just makes everything a bit harder. It is not your fault and the important thing is to put yourself first and take care of yourself x

DancingUnicorn Mon 17-Apr-17 11:11:27

Yeah, I rationally understand that it isn't my fault and I didn't do anything wrong. I still can't help irrationally blaming myself. I feel like my body let me down! But I know this will all pass.

Urgh!

Misssmoo Mon 17-Apr-17 11:23:51

Hope it does I think I had mine day before you damcing and I've felt really down over this weekend....x

DoctorDonnaNoble Mon 17-Apr-17 11:30:08

My MMC was a few years ago now. In fact it was December 2013. It still hits me sometimes (especially when I had another miscarriage in February). However, while it doesn't go away, going on does get easier. It comes back periodically at the silliest times (I was in tears watching Stick Man the other day). I still struggle with envy though. And I think I always will because when it boils down to it; it isn't fair. And it's not but we can't change that.

DancingUnicorn Mon 17-Apr-17 11:30:16

I'm so sorry missmoo. It really sucks. Wish we could have a magic wand to make everything seem better! Though actually, the times when I do feel better, laughing with friends etc, I usually end up feeling guilty about anyway! How could I possibly be happy and laughing when my baby is not here?! Anyway, I know that's also irrational, but it doesn't make it go away!

Misssmoo Mon 17-Apr-17 11:35:40

Exactly I'm the same I'm struggling to go back to normal life going out with them for drinks etc I just want to stay in..I feel like I can't have a drink or feel bad about it it's so weird..really want to try again but scared...Doctor it's just crap isn't it when people who don't want or look after their kids are fine makes me sick x

DancingUnicorn Mon 17-Apr-17 12:05:39

I'm finding the opposite missmoo, I'm trying to plan as much as possible so I can avoid being at home where it hurts the most! I feel so bad for my husband, as I can smile and be ok all day but as soon as I get home I'm a wreck again!

I guess each day as it comes, and we'll just do whatever is needed to get through each day.

PossibiliTea Mon 17-Apr-17 12:34:43

DancingUnicorn I'm finding that, seem to get through work and keep planning things then as soon as I get in I fall apart.

Hopefully if you can keep busy the pain may ease and you are doing the right thing by surrounding yourself with people who care about you.

DoctorDonnaNoble Mon 17-Apr-17 12:47:12

I had a couple of very dark days and I drank far far too much in the aftermath. Wouldn't recommend that one.
Look after yourselves. I'm still trying to lose the 5 stone I put on. I wrapped my sadness in fat. Please keep talking to people.

DancingUnicorn Mon 17-Apr-17 14:51:42

Doctor I'm being careful about drinking. I can imagine myself having one too many and losing all control. Im, unfortunately, lucky to have people here who understand. It's a double edged sword. It's nice to have people who understand, but I really hate that there have to be other people who understand how I feel.

VisionsofJohanna Thu 20-Apr-17 04:45:26

dancingunicorn hope you are doing ok? I'm a few weeks ahead of you with mmc at 12 week scan on 22 March. Natural management which I will not opt for again due to pain and prolonging the whole situation. It all seems to be ok physically but mentally...well, I'm getting there. Staying busy and a small amount of wine in the sunshine have helped. I've also allowed myself to be sad, weird, 'hormonal' without apologising. Keep talking to (helpful) people flowers

DancingUnicorn Thu 20-Apr-17 07:22:06

Visions I'm also ok physically. But very up and down. I thought I was doing ok, and then came crashing down. I feel as though it's past the time where it's ok to be sad around other people. Almost as though everyone has forgotten. I'm sure it's just that they don't want to bring it up, but it's just so shit.

VisionsofJohanna Thu 20-Apr-17 08:23:22

DancingUnicorn I am sure they're all just sad for you and don't know how to talk about it, as you said. How is your DH, are you still talking to him?

DancingUnicorn Thu 20-Apr-17 08:26:59

He's fine really, I'm just a broken record. Sigh.

VisionsofJohanna Thu 20-Apr-17 09:10:16

It's really, really tough. I feel exactly the same. Have you thought about a counsellor? Even for just a few sessions? My GP wasn't particularly helpful but you can self refer to many NHS services online and there are also lots of private networks

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