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Can we PLEASE have a support thread for those who desperately want a Rainbow baby and can't. I'm going out of my tiny mind.

(12 Posts)
FrazzleRock Wed 12-Apr-17 13:45:09

I think we need a safe place to rant about not being able to have our rainbows because all I can see are people talking about being able to try again. The worst is when I see people giving others false hope. "Oh you can try again" Really? You know that do you? hmm

And, while I'm having a rant, can we also have a thread that doesn't use god, angels and jesus as comfort? I, for one, prefer scientific approaches such as: This is awesome actually

Disclaimer; I'm having an angry day, post sobbing day, post finding out about a birth in the family. And feeling fucking fucked off and robbed quite frankly.

If you're with me, COME ON IN!

And, if you're interested, I wrote a blog for those who can't have a rainbow baby. A Blog that Tommy's also very kindly shared on their website:

ForeverHopeful21 Thu 13-Apr-17 08:07:37

I read your blog post. It's honest and true. I think it's important to hear about other peoples experiences so well done for writing it. I think after a MC most people are looking for hope and want to hear the success stories and believe it will happen for them (that's me right now, although I think I'm in denial).

My 3 friends who know about my MC all said similar words to me. My best friends first words were 'you can try again'. if it's as easy as that. I also find those words insulting to the baby I lost; I think people fail to realise that my baby that died was the baby that I wanted!
To be fair, I think people just don't know what to say. I believe they mean well. My 3 friends don't know that we spent 2.5 years TTC. They don't know that I think I have undiagnosed endo (for I'm guessing around 11 years) and they don't know that I now have an ovarian cyst so large that I've been told that I'm not allowed to try again until a decision is made whether to remove it - which will probably result in my ovary being removed to. And they don't know that I'm unsure whether I'm even strong enough to go through the next 2.5 years with the same sadness and disappointment every month.

Some people do have their rainbows and I'm so happy for them, but this doesn't happen for all. Thank you for your post.
I hope you're feeling a little better today x

FrazzleRock Fri 14-Apr-17 16:49:55

Thanks for reading Forever.
I think after a MC most people are looking for hope and want to hear the success stories and believe it will happen for them (that's me right now, although I think I'm in denial).
Yeah I believed it would happen for me too but, because DP doesn't want to try again, I have lost that hope and honestly do not know how to find another way of healing.
I guess I just want to hear from others in my position, but all I see is people trying again for their rainbow.
It just hurts so much to know that won't be me. Like I'm grieving all over again.

I'm happy for those who have their rainbows but I am terribly jealous of them. I'm also terribly jealous of those who have babies generally. I just think how much I need it. Really need it. Almost like they are taking all my oxygen.

I am so very sorry for the experience you've suffered. Nothing seems right anymore. No one should experience such pain flowers

MissBel12 Fri 14-Apr-17 20:42:30

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I just miscarried last week and can't even begin to think about trying again yet, but at the same time don't have much choice as age isn't on my side and I also have a lower than normal egg count. Still everyone has been saying to be "at least you know you can get pregnant", and "it will happen again".... But no one really knows if that's true or not

monkeytree Fri 14-Apr-17 22:27:05

Hi Frazzle
It's monkey. Loved your blog. We will never accept losing our little ones, I think it is more about accepting our lot what we do have and no it's not fair! I write a lot and walk a lot and try to focus on the here and now, I have also been working on a project to raise funds for charity. However, I think my situation is slightly different in that I experience infertility and at an age with infertility combined that I am almost forced to accept my situation - I am not sure how I would feel if there was some choice about the situation - you may say you have no choice too, given your partners decision. And yes I get the pregnancy envy too but if I am honest I would be scared to be pregnant again, I truly believe I am in the high risk category for another mc and that terrifies me - dc2 was born with a few mild complications and she was my rainbow baby after my initial infertility diagnosis and I always remember that. If I'm doubly honest, I think my patience with child rearing is wearing thin Anyhow well done on writing that blog X

FrazzleRock Wed 19-Apr-17 15:26:49

Hey monkeytree. Thank you ever so much

MissBel12 I am so very sorry you're experiencing this too. Those comments really are the pits aren't they. How are you holding up now? I'm over a year into this journey and, if I'm honest, it is still very very hard. Made worse by some, but I have also had some excellent support.

ForeverHopeful21 Wed 19-Apr-17 17:58:43

Frazzle although we each have our own stories, and I'll never understand your personal experience, please know that I feel your desperation. I don't have any children to call my own (only two furbabies) and I'd do anything to be able to be pregnant again.

Now here's the crazy thing: I'm a massage therapist and my specialism is prenatal massage. What a kick in the teeth! If it wasn't for needing the money I wouldn't do it. I thought it might even be good for me, kind of like therapy, but nah, I hate it! I feel so jealous of every client that walks through my door. And I just can't stand it when they start moaning about swollen ankles and indigestion!! Sometimes I want to scream they don't know how lucky they are, but my professional side kicks in, thankfully, and I just nod and smile smile .

MissBel12 Wed 19-Apr-17 20:23:08

Thanks Frazzle, I'm not too bad, a bit up and down. I read your full blog, absolutely heartbreaking but inspiring too. I do hope you find peaceflowers

CarabellaSmella Thu 20-Apr-17 20:17:09

Good idea for a thread! I'm in a similar position but due to completely different reasons, and I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may never have a baby. There is a forum/group on Health Unlocked called More to Life which is for people who are involuntarily childless and may be helpful for you.

Forever - I have no idea how you can cope with your job! I sit near someone who is just back form maternity leave and I have to leave the room every time she starts talking about her baby (which is constantly!)

OhTheRoses Thu 20-Apr-17 20:32:37

Hmm. Two second trimester miscarriages and a little boy at 27 weeks who couldn't make it. DS was 2.5 at that point.

DH said "no" never again. Not doing I again. We had the mother of all marriage making rows. I had seen a consultant gynaecologist the week before who said "don't think about it before results come back". DH had said £100 was all the future torture was worth. I said the future was worth everything and living in a cardboard box.

It was the sort of row that had to be made up six weeks after an immediate loss at 5.5 weeks and bleeding consistent with underlying infection.

DD was born 51 weeks after ds2 was born. It was all down to a terrible, terrible row.

She's 19 soon. The hurt never ever fully heals.

Good luck my love, whatever happens.

Mylittlebee Fri 21-Apr-17 07:00:44

I've just read your blog - so emotional.

I've been TTC for 18 years, on my 4th & final cycle 4 of ivf I finally got that elusive 2nd line on a test - only for it to slowly disappear again so I suffered an early miscarriage.

Heartbreaking can not even begin to describe how it feels.

I can't bare to see a pregnant woman or baby without bursting into tears, it's soul destroying.

FrazzleRock Mon 24-Apr-17 10:03:52

Morning everyone.
Firstly, I am so sorry you have found yourself in the same position as me. It is such a low feeling that feels near on impossible to overcome. Some days I think I can do this. Others, I want the universe to take me away.
Secondly, thank you to those who have read my blog. It feels so good to have that solidarity and support. The writing is extremely cathartic, but knowing people are interested in my words and encouraging me is huge.

ForeverHopeful21 - Your job sounds brutal. I struggle just seeing pregnant women on my commute, let alone it being my job. I've been told by one person to surround myself with pregnancies and babies but I'm not sure that helps. In fact I think it's pretty barbaric to be honest sad

MissBel12 love to you x

CarabellaSmella Thank you for that recommendation. I am a member of one group for childless people, but I feel a bit of a fraud given I have two older DC from a previous marriage. It's a bit of an odd place to be, not trying again. I don't belong in childless groups, but also don't belong in miscarriage/babyloss groups as they are literally ALL trying again. I guess that is why I started this thread. Maybe if we get enough people here, we can start something?

OhTheRoses I'm so sorry for what ypi've been through. I said the future was worth everything and living in a cardboard box. This is how I feel, but DP just refuses. Living comfortably (financially) is so important to him that he just won't consider it, despite my depression around it. Despite crying every single day and just being at rock bottom almost permanently. He says I have a choice, that if I wanted a baby that badly I could leave him and find someone who does want a baby. He doesn't understand that I don't want a baby with just anyone. I don't view DP as a sperm donor. Its about love and wanted to create a life with the love of my life.

Mylittlebee What an awful time you've had. It just makes you question why doesn't it. Why me? I want this so badly, more than anyone else, why has this happened to me!?
I can't bare to see a pregnant woman or baby without bursting into tears, it's soul destroying - exactly this.

I was actually feeling pretty good this morning for a change. But the minute I walked into the office, a colleague told me she's pregnant. It was so lovely of her to tell me first (she said she wanted to tell me before I found out through others) , and I am pleased for her, but I am so very sad for me too. Just feel flat again.
Then I overheard another colleague talking to someone on the phone and saying someone he knows is pregnant and how exciting it is.
I just wanted to shout "SHUT UP!! No. It's fucking miserable!"

Terrible isn't it. Just hate myself for it.

In good news though, DP ran the London Marathon yesterday and raised nearly £3000 for the Miscarriage Association, so at least that is something that is going to help people like us.

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