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Can we PLEASE have a support thread for those who desperately want a Rainbow baby and can't. I'm going out of my tiny mind.

(19 Posts)
FrazzleRock Wed 12-Apr-17 13:45:09

I think we need a safe place to rant about not being able to have our rainbows because all I can see are people talking about being able to try again. The worst is when I see people giving others false hope. "Oh you can try again" Really? You know that do you? hmm

And, while I'm having a rant, can we also have a thread that doesn't use god, angels and jesus as comfort? I, for one, prefer scientific approaches such as: This is awesome actually

Disclaimer; I'm having an angry day, post sobbing day, post finding out about a birth in the family. And feeling fucking fucked off and robbed quite frankly.

If you're with me, COME ON IN!

And, if you're interested, I wrote a blog for those who can't have a rainbow baby. A Blog that Tommy's also very kindly shared on their website:

ForeverHopeful21 Thu 13-Apr-17 08:07:37

I read your blog post. It's honest and true. I think it's important to hear about other peoples experiences so well done for writing it. I think after a MC most people are looking for hope and want to hear the success stories and believe it will happen for them (that's me right now, although I think I'm in denial).

My 3 friends who know about my MC all said similar words to me. My best friends first words were 'you can try again'. if it's as easy as that. I also find those words insulting to the baby I lost; I think people fail to realise that my baby that died was the baby that I wanted!
To be fair, I think people just don't know what to say. I believe they mean well. My 3 friends don't know that we spent 2.5 years TTC. They don't know that I think I have undiagnosed endo (for I'm guessing around 11 years) and they don't know that I now have an ovarian cyst so large that I've been told that I'm not allowed to try again until a decision is made whether to remove it - which will probably result in my ovary being removed to. And they don't know that I'm unsure whether I'm even strong enough to go through the next 2.5 years with the same sadness and disappointment every month.

Some people do have their rainbows and I'm so happy for them, but this doesn't happen for all. Thank you for your post.
I hope you're feeling a little better today x

FrazzleRock Fri 14-Apr-17 16:49:55

Thanks for reading Forever.
I think after a MC most people are looking for hope and want to hear the success stories and believe it will happen for them (that's me right now, although I think I'm in denial).
Yeah I believed it would happen for me too but, because DP doesn't want to try again, I have lost that hope and honestly do not know how to find another way of healing.
I guess I just want to hear from others in my position, but all I see is people trying again for their rainbow.
It just hurts so much to know that won't be me. Like I'm grieving all over again.

I'm happy for those who have their rainbows but I am terribly jealous of them. I'm also terribly jealous of those who have babies generally. I just think how much I need it. Really need it. Almost like they are taking all my oxygen.

I am so very sorry for the experience you've suffered. Nothing seems right anymore. No one should experience such pain flowers

MissBel12 Fri 14-Apr-17 20:42:30

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I just miscarried last week and can't even begin to think about trying again yet, but at the same time don't have much choice as age isn't on my side and I also have a lower than normal egg count. Still everyone has been saying to be "at least you know you can get pregnant", and "it will happen again".... But no one really knows if that's true or not

monkeytree Fri 14-Apr-17 22:27:05

Hi Frazzle
It's monkey. Loved your blog. We will never accept losing our little ones, I think it is more about accepting our lot what we do have and no it's not fair! I write a lot and walk a lot and try to focus on the here and now, I have also been working on a project to raise funds for charity. However, I think my situation is slightly different in that I experience infertility and at an age with infertility combined that I am almost forced to accept my situation - I am not sure how I would feel if there was some choice about the situation - you may say you have no choice too, given your partners decision. And yes I get the pregnancy envy too but if I am honest I would be scared to be pregnant again, I truly believe I am in the high risk category for another mc and that terrifies me - dc2 was born with a few mild complications and she was my rainbow baby after my initial infertility diagnosis and I always remember that. If I'm doubly honest, I think my patience with child rearing is wearing thin Anyhow well done on writing that blog X

FrazzleRock Wed 19-Apr-17 15:26:49

Hey monkeytree. Thank you ever so much

MissBel12 I am so very sorry you're experiencing this too. Those comments really are the pits aren't they. How are you holding up now? I'm over a year into this journey and, if I'm honest, it is still very very hard. Made worse by some, but I have also had some excellent support.

ForeverHopeful21 Wed 19-Apr-17 17:58:43

Frazzle although we each have our own stories, and I'll never understand your personal experience, please know that I feel your desperation. I don't have any children to call my own (only two furbabies) and I'd do anything to be able to be pregnant again.

Now here's the crazy thing: I'm a massage therapist and my specialism is prenatal massage. What a kick in the teeth! If it wasn't for needing the money I wouldn't do it. I thought it might even be good for me, kind of like therapy, but nah, I hate it! I feel so jealous of every client that walks through my door. And I just can't stand it when they start moaning about swollen ankles and indigestion!! Sometimes I want to scream they don't know how lucky they are, but my professional side kicks in, thankfully, and I just nod and smile smile .

MissBel12 Wed 19-Apr-17 20:23:08

Thanks Frazzle, I'm not too bad, a bit up and down. I read your full blog, absolutely heartbreaking but inspiring too. I do hope you find peaceflowers

CarabellaSmella Thu 20-Apr-17 20:17:09

Good idea for a thread! I'm in a similar position but due to completely different reasons, and I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may never have a baby. There is a forum/group on Health Unlocked called More to Life which is for people who are involuntarily childless and may be helpful for you.

Forever - I have no idea how you can cope with your job! I sit near someone who is just back form maternity leave and I have to leave the room every time she starts talking about her baby (which is constantly!)

OhTheRoses Thu 20-Apr-17 20:32:37

Hmm. Two second trimester miscarriages and a little boy at 27 weeks who couldn't make it. DS was 2.5 at that point.

DH said "no" never again. Not doing I again. We had the mother of all marriage making rows. I had seen a consultant gynaecologist the week before who said "don't think about it before results come back". DH had said £100 was all the future torture was worth. I said the future was worth everything and living in a cardboard box.

It was the sort of row that had to be made up six weeks after an immediate loss at 5.5 weeks and bleeding consistent with underlying infection.

DD was born 51 weeks after ds2 was born. It was all down to a terrible, terrible row.

She's 19 soon. The hurt never ever fully heals.

Good luck my love, whatever happens.

Mylittlebee Fri 21-Apr-17 07:00:44

I've just read your blog - so emotional.

I've been TTC for 18 years, on my 4th & final cycle 4 of ivf I finally got that elusive 2nd line on a test - only for it to slowly disappear again so I suffered an early miscarriage.

Heartbreaking can not even begin to describe how it feels.

I can't bare to see a pregnant woman or baby without bursting into tears, it's soul destroying.

FrazzleRock Mon 24-Apr-17 10:03:52

Morning everyone.
Firstly, I am so sorry you have found yourself in the same position as me. It is such a low feeling that feels near on impossible to overcome. Some days I think I can do this. Others, I want the universe to take me away.
Secondly, thank you to those who have read my blog. It feels so good to have that solidarity and support. The writing is extremely cathartic, but knowing people are interested in my words and encouraging me is huge.

ForeverHopeful21 - Your job sounds brutal. I struggle just seeing pregnant women on my commute, let alone it being my job. I've been told by one person to surround myself with pregnancies and babies but I'm not sure that helps. In fact I think it's pretty barbaric to be honest sad

MissBel12 love to you x

CarabellaSmella Thank you for that recommendation. I am a member of one group for childless people, but I feel a bit of a fraud given I have two older DC from a previous marriage. It's a bit of an odd place to be, not trying again. I don't belong in childless groups, but also don't belong in miscarriage/babyloss groups as they are literally ALL trying again. I guess that is why I started this thread. Maybe if we get enough people here, we can start something?

OhTheRoses I'm so sorry for what ypi've been through. I said the future was worth everything and living in a cardboard box. This is how I feel, but DP just refuses. Living comfortably (financially) is so important to him that he just won't consider it, despite my depression around it. Despite crying every single day and just being at rock bottom almost permanently. He says I have a choice, that if I wanted a baby that badly I could leave him and find someone who does want a baby. He doesn't understand that I don't want a baby with just anyone. I don't view DP as a sperm donor. Its about love and wanted to create a life with the love of my life.

Mylittlebee What an awful time you've had. It just makes you question why doesn't it. Why me? I want this so badly, more than anyone else, why has this happened to me!?
I can't bare to see a pregnant woman or baby without bursting into tears, it's soul destroying - exactly this.

I was actually feeling pretty good this morning for a change. But the minute I walked into the office, a colleague told me she's pregnant. It was so lovely of her to tell me first (she said she wanted to tell me before I found out through others) , and I am pleased for her, but I am so very sad for me too. Just feel flat again.
Then I overheard another colleague talking to someone on the phone and saying someone he knows is pregnant and how exciting it is.
I just wanted to shout "SHUT UP!! No. It's fucking miserable!"

Terrible isn't it. Just hate myself for it.

In good news though, DP ran the London Marathon yesterday and raised nearly £3000 for the Miscarriage Association, so at least that is something that is going to help people like us.

ForeverHopeful21 Mon 24-Apr-17 17:49:50

I'm the same, I feel pretty good one day and then down in the dumps the next. Some days I have no idea why I'm in such a bad mood, but then I remind myself that I'm not pregnant anymore, so it's probably that!!!

I don't have a work colleague to get upset about but I feel the same way towards one of my clients. She used to have massages before she was pregnant, she's not a friend by any means but I really like her as a person and we're similar age. Anyway, she told me she was pregnant just after I found out that I was pregnant too. I haven't seen her in ages (as you probably know, massage is contraindicated during 1st trimester) then I get a text yesterday from her saying that she now 16 weeks and that she can't wait to have her first prenatal massage by me sad . She seemed so happy in her message and all I felt was anger. I couldn't reply for hours because I was fuming ...and still am tbh. So don't feel bad for having angry thoughts, I have them too.

Well done with the fund raising though that's fantastic news! x

keeponrunning85 Fri 28-Apr-17 18:22:33

Hello ladies.

Can I join? I've had miscarriage number 4 confirmed this afternoon. Going in for medical management tomorrow.

Miscarriage 3 was due to a chromosomal problem so when we went to recurrent miscarriage clinic we were basically told it was bad luck, off you go, keep trying and fingers crossed for next time. So the finger crossing didn't work.

Neither DH or I feel we can keep trying over and over again without anything being different next time so unless there's a plan put in place when we next go to clinic we'll most likely be calling it a day. We've been trying for 2 and a half years and don't have any children. So yep, it is looking like no rainbow baby for me either.

Anyway, where's the gin? gin

Mylittlebee Sat 29-Apr-17 07:59:32

Keep so sorry to hear your devastating news - I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I do believe they will investigate reasons for miscarriages after 3 miscarriages? So surely they will do tests after your medical today?

keeponrunning85 Sat 29-Apr-17 08:30:22

bee thank you for your kind words. You are correct. I've had a lot of tests done and been to the clinic. I've got an abnormal uterus but because the last miscarriage was due to a genetic problem they wouldn't do anything about it and we were discharged from the clinic. This one will be sent for genetic testing again and then we will go back to the clinic to get the results and see what they say. I'd like to pursue surgery on my uterus and then probably give it one last try as otherwise I think I'll always wonder what if but we may well have to go down the private route for that.

CarabellaSmella Sat 29-Apr-17 15:45:06

Keep I'm so sorry for your news. I've been there with the medical management, really hope it goes ok for you today, or at least as well as it can. flowers

FrazzleRock Tue 02-May-17 09:45:00

keeponrunning I am so so sorry flowers How are things today?

I went to see some old mum friends yesterday. There was one other mum there who I didn't know, but had seen before. She was pregnant with her fourth envy. To make matters worse, she is coming with us camping in August, which means she'll be 7 months gone. I just cried all the way home, I don't know how I'll cope with being around her then.
This is such a crap feeling. I wish I could just be happy for others and that be it. But no. All I need is a rainbow and all these horrid feelings and misery will be over. DP asked me what I want for my upcoming birthday, I just said "nothing". But he knows what I'd really like sad.

I'm a bit woe is me again today as drank a bottle and a half of wine yesterday. I am feeling pretty fragile right now..

How is everyone else today? How did your bank holiday weekends go?

keeponrunning85 Wed 03-May-17 13:26:54

Hi frazzle. How are you doing today?

Things are pretty up and down at the moment but I suppose that is to be expected. I had medical management on Saturday. Things seemed to be settling down but the cramps are back today. I tried to go to work today but lasted about half an hour and then abandoned. DH has also abandoned work so we're both home now.

DH and I went away to the Lakes for a couple of nights and chatted about where we go from here a bit. He says he'll do whatever I want with regards to trying again. I think I'm going to go back on the pill for a bit, go back to recurrent miscarriage clinic again and see what they say this time and potentially seek a second opinion. I've got quite a bit of stuff going on career wise in the next couple of months and I don't think I have enough head space for both. Also, as much as I don't want to use contraception again, I think it'll do me good to have a few months without the wondering, hoping and then disappointment when AF shows up.

I've been self-medicating with chocolate. I love alcohol, but sadly too much in one go just makes me cry these days. I'm going on a hen do at the weekend and only know the hen so must be cautious.

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