TFMR - how to help my friend

[StinkPickle]

My friend has today had a TFMR (termination for medical reasons) the day after her 20 week scan revealed the baby hadn't developed properly and wasn't going to survive. As you can imagine this has happened very fast and they've gone from having the baby clothes at home and the car seat etc all ready to this today.

I don't know what the right thing to write in a card is. I don't know how to help her. She will have had to give birth - so her hormones etc will be all over the place too? The other complication is her job is very baby orientated (think nursery)

How long should she take off work? What did other people do in this situation? She wants to go back straight away but I think she's in denial and that can't be healthy surely.

Sorry my head is all over the place. Sorry if i've used any wrong phrases or explanation.

[Cocoabean25]

So sorry to hear your friend is going through this. I would write something like 'thinking of you, I'm here whenever you need me'. Your friend will appreciate you just being there for her. She may find it helps to be at work to try and keep some normality and keep her head together at the moment. She can always take time off later if / when she needs it. When I had a miscarriage I didn't take any time off until two weeks later when I couldn't keep putting a brave face on anymore. It sounds like you are a lovely friend. Your understanding will mean a lot to her xxx

[StinkPickle]

Thank you for replying. It's just so crap isn't it. All those hopes and dreams dashed, and just a truck load of crap in it's stead. I'm really sorry to hear you've been through similar.

balls :(

[MollyofTheFolly]

I suspect she is already in contact with them but the charity ARC (antenatal results and choices) is amazing and especially for families goings through life after TFMR. They have a helpline and an online forum for parents, you can only access the forums as parent, so everyone there understands the pain and heartache. I think they may have some on line info that you may find helpful as a friend to read. I'll be thinking of your friend tonight.

[Gingerbreadmam]

sands is another great charity that may be able to help your friend when she is ready. they have local support groups which are great.

they have a lot of imformation booklets on their website which may help you and her?

my son was stillborn at 27 weeks but a good friend went through tfmr at that point. it is a terrible thing and she will need lots of support and time off too i would think.

[user1490817136]

Hi OP,

You're already and excellent friend for asking these questions. I had a TFMR at 21 weeks for spina bifida and I work in a sen setting with children so I think I may be of help.

I took 6 weeks off of work but obviously there's mo right or wrong amount of time to take. I was bored and felt that finding some 'normal' was a good thing. Going back to work was hard and I cried the evening before my return but two weeks in I knew I'd done the right thing in going back. I'm sure your friend will know when she's ready.

The baby stuff in the home hurts like hell but she'll move it / put some in a memory box in her own time . You can't think straight initially and everything is difficult.

The biggest advice I can give is to listen to her , and help her put one foot in front of the other and find her 'new normal'. If she wants to get out then go with her , if she wants to cry then pass her a box of tissues and make her some tea. Also , she will smile again , it'll take time but she will find happiness in things again.

Take care OP and look after your friend :-)