SANDS MEETING

[steph0488]

Hi
I lost my baby daughter during childbirth 4 and a half weeks ago and I'm finding it difficult to cope. There is a SANDS meeting on in my local area tonight and I've been thinking about going. Just wondering if anyone has ever been to one before and what the format is like? I'm a little worried it's going to be set up like and "AA" meeting and we will have to sit and share our stories one by one - don't think I'm quite ready for that just yet.
I'd really appreciate it if anyone who has been to one before could give a little insight.

Xx

[witchmountain]

Hi steph, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, it's an awful thing to happen and I'm not surprised you're struggling . I don't have any direct experience but I saw your message pop up on two topics and I didn't want to read and run. I found this other thread from last year - its sounds like they had the same concerns as you and there might be something useful on there until someone else comes along with more knowledge: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/2668695-SANDS-group
I think it would be worth going, you can join in however you would like, I'm sure they will all understand if all you can manage is just to be there. Let us know how you get on xx

[LooksLikeImStuckHere]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter
Sorry, I don't have any direct experience either but could you maybe turn up a few mins early so you can talk to the people who are running it and tell them you are not ready to share your story yet? I'm sure they will all be very understanding.

[Alb1]

So sorry about your baby. I attend my local sands meeting, when someone new comes we all tend to share our story, but if the new person or one of us doesn't feel able to share there is absolutely no pressure to. I was worried about the same thing going to my first meeting and was so nervous going in, but as soon as the ladies introduced themselves and started talking I just felt at home some how, never thought I'd find people who had a clue how I was feeling but these ladies did. They are like family now. I would deffiently recommend going, they won't be offended if you leave early or don't want to say anything, but I'd say it's deffiently worth a shot

[Bisquick]

That fucking sucks Steph. I'm so sorry for you. We too lost our baby boy at childbirth in January and are still reeling from the shock. I've had lots of people share stories of mcs in solidarity and it helps to some extent, but I did feel like going through childbirth and losing a baby was traumatic in a different way. I posted on here and got a lot of extremely useful advice and often go back to read the thread.

Hope you are being compassionate with yourself and also realise that there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

Haven't been to a sands meeting, mostly because we felt we didn't really want to share; I'd be interested to hear how you felt if you decide to go.

[steph0488]

Thanks for all your help everyone, so sorry to you who have had losses too it's something no one should have to go through.

Bisquik I totally understand what you mean and what you are going through. People try to be helpful and kind but it is a different kind of loss, I'd really appreciate it if you could send me a link to the thread you posted?

After lots of deliberation I decided to go to my meeting on Wednesday. When I arrived there were two other couples there for the first time too and we all had the same apprehension about going in. I have to say it was one of the saddest and heartbreaking things to ever have to go to. It was so sad to hear about the losses of the other families and what they have been going through since. Before going I thought I would just listen and wouldn't want to talk about my daughter or what happened but after a while I was able to talk about it and even share some things I've never said to anyone before. Although it was horrible in lots and lots of ways and I cried when talking about my own story and when listening to the stories of the other ladies it was therapeutic in lots of way. It was nice to share stories and actually laugh about some of the stupid stuff people have said after our babies passed away and helped to know that lots of the thoughts and feelings I have been having are normal and that the other mums were feeling similar things. I really would recommend going to a meeting if or when you feel ready, it wasn't the "AA" type meeting I thought it would be at all. I completely understand if you don't feel it's for you.. part of me was convinced it wouldn't be for me and my husband didn't want to go as he thought it would make things worse and be too upsetting which I totally understand too but maybe he will go in the future if he ever feels like he would like someone to talk to.

[Bisquick]

That sounds like quite a positive step Steph, glad it was helpful for you.

My other thread is [[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/2848684-Stillbirth-at-37w-looking-for-some-hopeful-stories ]]

I found it helpful to hear other's stories, and the whole spectrum of human experience when it comes to dealing with this sad and weird situation. No one who hasn't been in this place can really relate to the strangeness of having to register your baby's birth, or decide about the post mortem and funeral or decide if and when to try again, or any number of things. Found sharing with others quite useful! Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat btw.

[Bisquick]

Couldn't make the link work. Here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/2848684-Stillbirth-at-37w-looking-for-some-hopeful-stories

[Gingerbreadmam]

so sorry for you loss steph

i can see you attended sands and found it useful.

I attend the monthly meetings too although i have missed the last two due to an mmc.

I find them invaluable, it is a safe space to discuss my son and all yhe feelings i have for him. I find it really difficult in real life to bring him up in conversation as i know other people find it weird and i hate that he is some sort of secret so to be able to discuss him like he is with me is fantastic.

I do sometimes get overwhelmed with sadness but it has some me good as i think it really makes me realise what i have been through if you see what i mean. People are quick to forget but when i hear other parents talk about their losses it breaks my heart and then i remember that happened to me. it makes you realise just how strong you are.

These early months are the worst. i hope you are managing in your own way.

[Bisquick]

Oh ginger I remember your wise advice from the other thread. So sorry to hear about your MMC. Hope you are holding up okay!

[Gingerbreadmam]

Thanks bisquick it's nice to see you around. Hope you are doing ok in the circumstances?

i'm getting there. 6 weeks on now but it was just a huge shock. i made it to 14 weeks with 3 good scans behind me then found out baby died and likely had pataus so back to square one!