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My friend just miscarried ... Advice needed.

(11 Posts)
dishevelledluna Fri 24-Mar-17 13:34:29

A very close friend of mine just miscarried, just into her second trimester. She suffers with another illness which already affects her life in a huge way. She messaged me this morning, but from her messages, she seems almost nonchalant about it.

I feel like I have to do something, but inviting her over would be hard for her, as I have DD (4YO) and full-time business I can't get away from.

Flowers seem inappropriate, a card seems cold, and am at a loss as to what send her via post.

Please help me, mumsnetters.

INeedNewShoes Fri 24-Mar-17 13:41:56

She might seem nonchalant about it today, but that's probably her protecting herself from the grief, which will happen maybe just not yet, especially if she has been dealing with the practicalities of miscarrying which at 13–14 weeks will be quite horrendous. Is the miscarriage complete? Did she have to have hospital treatment?

Could you find a few hours at some point to go and spend time with her. Presumably her DH will be looking after her, but she might appreciate some different company as her DH will also be upset about the MC.

After my miscarriage a friend (who at the time I didn't know that well) turned up with food, cooked me steak and chips, gave me red wine, sat with me and watched a DVD and had a game of Scrabble with me, all in the name of keeping me company. I appreciated that so much and will never forget it.

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 24-Mar-17 13:42:07

I don't think a card seems cold. Buy a nice blank card or thinking of you card. (I had 3 miscarriages including a still birth). Cards in a way were easier to cope with in that you could see the person was thinking of you but there wasn't the awkwardness of them not knowing what to say or whether to hug you. Also on some occasions I would dissolve into tears (possibly with someone not that close) but seem cold and unemotional to someone very close to me.

dishevelledluna Fri 24-Mar-17 13:52:32

She started bleeding early morning, has been at the hospital all day and has been told she still has sac & embryo to expel. She'll be in pain until all this sh*t passes, and all I can think about is what to send her in the post. (my very own coping mechanism?)

Have read up on some blogs, and maybe an impromptu drop-in with food/wine/DVD might be the best thing. How soon is too soon? Do they need time to grieve?

Really want to be there for her, without making a nuisance of myself.

Gingerbreadmam Fri 24-Mar-17 13:54:15

ive just had a second trimester mc. Had a previous mc and stillbirth so i really didnt want any fuss this time. Having said that, it feels weird that people havent done anything.

When my son was stillborn i was gifted lots of flowers hated them, they just die and a lovely joma bracelet and a lovely willow tree ornament. I treasure both of these as they link to my son.

So i would think something not obvious but that she can have close by to acknowledge you felt her pain and cared for her.

Food too is a good one, even a just eat voucher or something if they do them?

fwiw im sure she would love to see you and dd.

Gingerbreadmam Fri 24-Mar-17 13:56:20

depends if she is comfortable crying in front of you?

i can face people but if it was someone i didnt want to cry in front of my anxiety would peak.

i dont know about wine, it makes everything so final and its easy to think people will want a drink but me i wished more than anything i still couldnt drink plus im worried about becoming over emotional.

thatorchidmoment Fri 24-Mar-17 14:04:44

I have a friend who had a miscarriage at 19 weeks (before I knew her), and she said to me that she found it really upsetting that nobody took the time and effort to come round and talk. She knows that lots of people were trying to give her space and probably didn't know what to say, but I think it's important to go over at a convenient time if you are close. Maybe bring some snacks like flapjacks. She might already have been given loads of chocolates and flowers.

You can't tell how she is feeling from messages. And you can't tell how she will feel once she is back home.

Please make the time to go over, even if you don't know what to say. I've had two very early miscarriages and they were difficult enough when I hadn't even told anyone I was pregnant. Some company and chat about anything would have been especially appreciated the second time when I was living abroad for a few months and didn't have any friends in the same country!

dishevelledluna Fri 24-Mar-17 16:33:09

Thank you Mumsnetters.

Firstly, I want to share my love to you all who have lost little ones. I can't begin to imagine the pain you've all gone through. I hope you and your Partners are well, and that in some way, you've found peace... Hard to put it into words. But we are all stronger together, and here for each other.

I feel like I've got my answer, which is to be supportive, give them the right amount of space, but I will make sure to visit sometime next week.

I've found this (link below) which is a symbolic little statue. Not a believer of such things, but could be a little memento to remember little cherub.

www.etsy.com/uk/listing/158053277/jizo-polished-white-porcelain-25-tall?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=jizo%20statue&ref=sr_gallery_6

If you have any more ideas, please feel free to keep posting, as I know that there are hundreds of us wishing to give support and honestly there's nowhere on the web we can truly turn to (*trust me*, I've searched!)

And if you can share links to things that might be relevant, or even pictures... I love reading your stories, and will keep reading this for inspiration, for the months / years to come. Grief has no real timestamp.

DaisyFranceLynch Sat 25-Mar-17 08:13:21

You sound like an incredibly kind friend. I just wanted to share my story in case it helps. I found out earlier this week that I had had a missed miscarriage. I went for a scan at ten weeks and found that my baby had stopped growing at five weeks.

I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant, except my husband, and have only told him, my mum, sister and one close friend about the miscarriage. I certainly won't tell my work (I will need to take a couple of days off for surgery and still wondering what my cover story will be if anyone asks for details - hopefully they won't but they are quite gossipy).

For me, what has helped is simply emotional support and people being there for me - talking about it when I need to talk, spending time together, and simply being kind (cooking for me, attending appointments, offering to look after my son).

I wouldn't expect anyone to give me a card, present or memento - any permanent reminder I'd want to buy and choose myself, it would feel odd coming from someone else, although I am sure other people feel differently. I usually like flowers but the fact that they die might make me feel sad - I was thinking of getting a plant but I invariably kill them off and I think that would just make me feel worse.

dishevelledluna Sat 25-Mar-17 09:48:12

DaisyFranceLynch

A close friend of the family once miscarried late into term, and they were distraught at the loss of the little girl they had planned for. The loss on them was extreme, both went into very different yet colossal depression. Something they said helped, later on, after they had time to grieve, was to plant a tree. They chose a spot in their garden that collected enough light, and grew what I can only say is the most beautiful cherry tree, which blossoms once a year. They tend to it religiously, and have taken it with them on 2 moves. They've name it after the child they lost, and believe that the fruit it gives is a part of baby giving back to them.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I can only hope that you, DH and family make it through this tough time ahead.

Another thing I was thinking of offering to my friend was a star. Maybe an option for you and DH? There are websites you can find where you can name a star. You get a certificate, and something untouchable to remember Baby. Something timeless.

Wishing you all the best.

chocaholic123 Sat 25-Mar-17 09:56:59

I lost, but earlier on, this time last year. After finding out I was going to lose my baby, I carried on with the day's plans, which were going out for a family meal with the inlaws. It hit me a day or so later and I was a complete mess, so despite seeming ok now it probably just hasn't it her yet.

I was given a 'star' pandora charm for my bracelet, which I love. I regularly look at it and think of the baby I'll never meet.

Everyone is different and their needs are different. Keep in regular contact (if that's what she wants). It will mean so much just knowing you're there for her.

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