My surgical procedure - MMC

[Keeksxx]

I wanted to share my experience encase anyone feels the way I did...also using it as a bit of a platform to spill how I feel as only my fiancé and mum know and feel a bit .. lost.

So I found out last week when I was 15 weeks that my babies heartbeat had stopped and infect the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks..

I don't know how in those 7 weeks my body couldn't do it's job now and at lease see it through and let me miscarry instead I had no idea for over a month , as I stroked my belly and spoke to my child that my pregnancy was no longer even "viable".

I feel absolutely cheated.

On Friday when I got the news I prayed I would go naturally I wanted to go through that, I deserved to be able to give birth to my child myself and feel the pain and have the tiny little bundle..

Over the weekend I had some pain but it was all in my head I think as no bleeding ever came.

My baby son was rushed into hospital on Sunday night seriously unwell and that took up al of my focus until today (I've been in hospital with his since then so was already exhausted!)

I didn't want to wait any longer as I was worried about infection , and I couldn't be booked in for a medical for another week so I opted for surgical which was today.

Let me tell you I am probably one of the most anxious people you will ever meet, I don't take pain killers I at so paranoid they will make me ill. I have a pretty bad heart problem and the slightest thing just makes my heart race to about 150bpm until I pass out it's pretty scary - so the thought of an anesthetitic was literally TERRIFYING I honestly thought my heart would explode and I would die. Plus I have a tiny Bmi im a size 0 so was convinced they would overdose me. (Anxiety literally makes me over think everything!!!)

I went to the ward on my own as my fiance had to look after our son... when I got there I was greeted and given my own room. The nurse was LOVELY I mean that really made a difference she was very genuine when saying how sorry she was. I was relieved I was scared they might judge me and think I'm a mad person.. I don't know why.

This was at 7.30am. At 8.30 after some questions , temp, blood pressure, changing into a gown and putting on my compression socks I was given 2 tablets under my tongue --- what were they?! Maybe sedatives I felt quite chilled after that and that is not like me!!!

45 minutes later they wheeled me upstair to the theatre omg I was a mess crying my eyes out I didn't want them to hurt my baby or take it away.. I know it was not alive but I wanted to protect them I wanted them where they were safe in mummies tummy. I probably sound crazy.

Anyway everyone introduced themselves there was about 6 people inuding doctors. Nurses, anaesthetists.

They put a cannula in my hand it was painless really as I was so upset and nervous I wasn't noticing.

They made me laugh and told me nice stories.. told me they were sorry and I'm safe.. they told me I would feel a sting going up my arm , the anaesthetic. They said think of a dream holiday and who you will take... I didn't get a chance -
I was out like a light.

I came round - low blood pressure needed oxygen. Stomach cramps on and off.

This was around 10.30... taken back to ward and was there until 5. I had to eat something and pee before I could leave..
I was there a while Just because I felt dizzy ... but seriously I feel okay physically. Cramps on and off.. minimum bleeding.. dizzy and sleepy still but that could be the busy few days I've had in the children's ward. Stings to pee too which is odd?? It did when I had my son but that's because I had a graze.. I don't know why it hurts this time?

It really wasn't anywhere near how I thought it would be. It was as okay as it could be.

The only thing I'll say is the emotional side, feeling it hard to let go and accept the baby is gone as I was out and didn't give birth. I feel like I have given birth yet no baby was wheeled through to me in the room.. feel on edge and as if I'm waiting for something. To meet my child.

The hospital cremates everything at a local crematorium.. I am going to lay flowers in my special place for him. I think it was a boy.. I guess I'll never know.

Love and hugs to anyone going through this or who has gone through this. I couldn't imagine how it would feel until it happened to me...

[Keeksxx]

Also I think I might sound crazy but I'm exhausted. But refusing to go to bed. I don't want this day to end. It was a big day for me and I feel like tomorrow I'll be expected to get on with it and act okay and it will all be over and I have to accept the baby is gone .. which i know I have to accept but I don't feel ready ..

[sticklebrix]

Keeks I remember your first thread. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that you are surrounded by supportive people who will allow you time to get through this.

It would have been so helpful for me to read what you've just written before I had surgery for a MMC. I had no idea what to expect.

for you.

[shakeyospeare]

Sending you love

[daisydalrymple]

You really don't have to just get on with it. You can take as much time as you need to get over this, and accept a part of you will always wonder how your family might have been.

I too had an mmc, baby's heart stopped at 8wks 4days, and my body was clinging on too. I had the procedure at 12 weeks or so.

I've since gone on to have dc3, who is now 2.5yo. He's an absolute delight and we all adore him. I feel truly blessed, and know I wouldn't have him if I hadn't lost the earlier baby. But it doesn't stop me wondering how life would be now with a four year old running around instead. My ds1 and dd were 5&7 when ds2 was born, but would have been 3&5, which would have been a lovely gap. But this gap is fab too as they really love him and appreciate the changes / development and love relating it back to themselves and ask if they did similar.

Your post really struck a chord, it's so beautifully written. I hope it felt a bit therapeutic getting it out like that. I found talking about it with people afterwards really helped me. Then discovered others who had gone through similar, but hadn't mentioned it before.

Be kind to yourself and accept it may take time to heal. You'll never forget your little bean 💙

[Keeksxx]

Thank you so much everyone! It's so nice to be able to come on here and just breath a little.

It's not nice the reason that has brought us all together - but , the support is really wonderful. It's so important at a time like this.

I feel like even if I told people they would think it wasn't really a baby as it was so small. But as we all know, the minute the excitement takes over that you are pregnant you become a mum al over again. Does not matter how far on you are. That is your child in there.

@Daisy it's so nice to hear you went on to have a lovely healthy pregnancy in the end -
I'm not sure we will be having another.. I have a 5 year old daughter and 2 year old son .. this baby would have been a great welcome addition we were very excited but I don't think I can cope with the anxiety a pregnancy would bring me.. that been said , never say never. Not sure my fiancé would want to try again... it's probably a conversation we should have.

My neighbour is pregnant and has the same due date as me... little bit hard to see her Facebook posts. I told her last week I was going to book a 3D scan and take my daughter along and surprise her with the baby... I saw on Facebook today she has booked a 3D scan. I mustn't be bitter, but it's hard going.


Lots of love to everyone of you!

[daisydalrymple]

Yes I have to admit, the innocence of pregnancy had gone for me. I was so convinced that I would be told there was no heartbeat again at my scan for my next pregnancy. I even burst into tears at the 20 week scan when all was healthy.

we weren't actively trying for or trying to prevent a pregnancy, although I desperately wanted a third. I was over the moon but in disbelief / nervous all the way through.

I hear you re your neighbour. For me, I found September a really hard time, 4 years on, but a few of the mums I know at school had children starting school and I couldn't help but wonder about my little bean who would have started school too.

I hope you end up with the outcome that you all feel is right.

[Parastars]

I have also had an erpc this week and just wanted to give you
You're right - given the circumstances, the procedure is actually quite a kind option in the sense that physically, it isn't painful and is over quite quickly.
I hope you (we) recover as much as we can emotionally, but these babies will always be in our hearts.
Take care of yourself.