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Missed miscarriage reality

(30 Posts)
Jenroxy5 Wed 22-Mar-17 18:45:18

When you lose something or someone your heart breaks in two pieces a piece of them and half of you. Over the last week mines had split into three mines, my boyfriends and my unborn child's heart that stopped beating at 13 weeks. I have never felt pain like this how? Why? What?
The emotional and physical pain of bleeding uncontrollably and praying everything is okay, to look at that ultrasound screen and see a baby but laying there silently no movement nothing. Watching women and families leave with pictures of their lovely bouncing babies on that screen and getting wheeled past all these patiently waiting mums to be on ultrasounds while I'm clutching pregnancy notes on my lap that I don't need anymore. I dream everytime I fall asleep it's a big joke they checked wrong then I wake up and it's facing the reality again. Did you know? Miscarriage effects 1 in 5 women the doctor said to me as I signed paperwork to surgically remove my baby. My face is red and swollen from crying, my whole body violated from being poked and prodded by nurses, doctors you name it. And when it's all over you walk past pregnant people, people with car seats to be filled, people walking out with their newborn babies and I get nothing but a sorry try again.
Heartbreaking is an understatement knowing that the one thing you need to do as a women is carry your child to watch it grow and be the best you could be and I can't even do that.
But you're not to blame as all you can be is strong and brave as everyone says. Sometimes it's okay not to ok! If you have a child or children and you got and get to watch them grow everyday you are the luckiest person on the planet because that person (me) who lost wishes they were you, wishes they could have what you have as I didn't get the chance you got the first time. Some day in the future we hope that we will be blessed for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby and we wish everyone in the same position as us the best of luck in their journeys to become Mummies and Daddies❤️💙 x

reallyreallyreallytired Wed 22-Mar-17 18:47:14

Been there....thinking of you xx

Wombletor Wed 22-Mar-17 19:38:06

Me too. There are no words. Hugs to you xx

Cocoabean25 Wed 22-Mar-17 20:58:38

Completely feel what you are saying - I feel exactly the same. Lost my baby just over two months ago now and I still feel so unbelievably sad. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It is the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced. All I can suggest is to take the time you need to grieve, tell me how you feel, make sure you get plenty of hugs and that people are supporting you. We feel so cheated for this happening. It is definitely ok to not be ok and you do not have to be brave and strong right now. Sending you lots of love xxx

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Wed 22-Mar-17 21:00:30

Me too. He would have been nine this year. I'll never stop missing him.

So, so sorry for your loss flowers xx

Helbelle75 Wed 22-Mar-17 21:07:52

Completely understand, heartfelt words.
It's devastating and has changed me forever.
Take care of yourself and take all the time you need to grieve.

Jenroxy5 Fri 24-Mar-17 12:13:17

Thanks for your messages! I walked out of the house today even though I shouldn't as I'm still in pain. Currently sitting on a bench near a secret beach I have near the house alone. And a grandad walking towards me with a pink pram and there's two paths either one to come my way or one straight ahead. I swear I thought please do not walk towards me and I broke down he probably thought I was some loonball. Can't help but think that's what I wanted to do bring my pram here when it's nice weather. And I don't even have a baby anymore to do that with. Heartbreakingly painful feeling. Just wish it was all a big dream I was to wake up from x

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Fri 24-Mar-17 12:37:25

I couldn't go near children's clothes in shops without tears for some time, and about six months later walked into the door of a cathedral and burst into floods of tears and fled, right in the face of some poor verger who probably still wonders what he did. flowers The emotions are very powerful and they're natural.

It helped a great deal to name my baby. I also bought a toy and a few items that I kept for him, I needed in a way to celebrate him as well as grieve him if that makes any sense. Thinking of you.

mycatloveslego Fri 24-Mar-17 12:45:12

I have been where you are, twice. The first time was the worst. The feeling of emptiness almost crushed me. But it does get easier. It's not your fault. You will cope and you will be ok. flowers

Dee333 Sun 09-Apr-17 23:41:12

I feel every word of your post Jen, sitting here crying for you and for myself xx

Bdunta123 Sun 30-Apr-17 08:44:53

Hi everyone,

Reading these posts have been so helpful this last 24hours to know I am not alone and to gain information. I don't know whether I've had a missed miscarriage or whether my dates are wrong. I'm waiting for a scan and it's killing me going over dates etc. Not sure if I'm in a predicament or just wishful thinking - perhaps you could pass your thoughts and give me the reality check I need to prepare to grieve.

Had coil removed in Jan for Hubby and Into start ttc. Waited for a period which happened on 12th feb (but short only 1.5 days and very light) haven't had period for 8 years due to marina coil. Started charting bmt and doing clearblue home ovulation tests on 20th after period. I got a high on 23rd and then peak on 25th Feb. We had sex about three times that week roughly, on day of peak and two after.

I had a night out on the 10 March and felt so guilty about drinking. Next day on 11th a march, I was at about 26 days of cycle (not knowing when to expect missed period as didn't have a proper cycle yet) so did a pregnancy test. It was positive. I was so shocked as it must have happened first time. I did hundreds of tests - all positive. Didn't have symptoms so must have detected it really early on in pregnancy. basal temp also still stayed high.

Pregnancy symptoms started around 20th March with exhaustion and around 28th March was pinching feelings in stomach and massive sore boobs.

By my records I'm 11 weeks today based on first day of last period. My proper scan isn't for another two weeks, and my booking appointment 10 days. I've been massively bloated and look about 5 months pregnant after lunch at work and people have been talking about it. So I booked a private scan to confirm everything was ok so I could at least tell a few people at work and feel ok about telling them.

Then my world fell apart and it wasn't the loveliest experience I was hoping, I spent £90 to cry all day! Ha! They found a sac containing a very small yolk sac and fetal pole measuring it at 6w6d. But like I said based on period it should have been 10w6d. She said that it had either stopped growing or my dates are wrong.

With it being a bank holiday I couldn't wait to call on Tues so went to urgent car and asked if there was anyway to speed up process of referral to early pregnancy unit. They were amazing. A Gyno came down and explained that i will need a scan to see if the baby has grown and explained options and procedures if it hasn't etc. That someone will call me Tues/weds for an appointment but won't be for at least a week as they need time to see a change if there is one. She asked me briefly about dates - but at the time I was adamant my dates were right. My hormones are going mental. I still have all the pregnancy symptoms, especially sore boobs, which is massively messing with my head.

So now for the waiting game. Which is the reason I got the scan in the first place because I was fed up waiting! Sods law.

Any help/advice on this would be great. What do you think of the dates? If the pregnancy test was taking day of fertilisation then technically that was 7 weeks ago yesterday and scan said 6w6d so could be viable! But surely so unlikely as doesn't scan include +2w where nothing actually happens? So does this mean that the fetal pole was conceived 4w6d ago? Because if that's the case then it can't be as symptoms started before and pregnancy test two weeks before that. Also the ovulation sticks if they said peak then surely that means that's when it happen?! I've had only healthy symptoms of pregnancy, no bleeding, discharge or stomach/back pain.

So confused. Don't want to be hopeful but just want to fucking know, you know? I want someone to tell me that it's pretty impossible based on those dates etc so I can prepare myself mentally for what's coming. So scared that this might happen at home, that is my worst nightmare. 😭

Jenroxy5 Sun 30-Apr-17 15:44:31

I feel your pain I struggled with dates etc we weren't trying at all. Was complete shock for us. Your dates do sound about right. When I calculated my dates I conceived around 9th Jan or 11th Jan. I ovulated on the 10th!! My due date was 2nd Oct this year and I lost the baby at exactly 12 weeks. I also took into account the old period but as you hadn't had a proper one as such due to the coil that could've been the reasons for the dating issues. But don't worry! I had symptoms straight away and that's how I knew something wasn't right. You can lose your mind keeping track of these things trust me. Now that I have progressed trying to get back into checking and regulating a cycle this month has been hell!!!! But think we're starting to get somewhere after almost pulling my hair out! Have you spoke to anyone else at the gyno yet? They couple possibly give you information on helping you calculate the dates correctly and how to progress on forwards. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️ Xxx

CherriesInTheSnow Thu 04-May-17 21:20:03

I'm so sorry OP, the heartbreak in your post is so palpable, even though I have never lost a child I have experienced loss and I know what you mean about wishing with all your heart that you ciuld wake up and it would all be a bad dream, I am so, truly sorry sad there are no words of comfort I can offer you for your loss; all I can say is you are so likely to go on to have a wonderful healthy baby in the future, and although it won't replace this lovely little baby you have lost, you will experience what you are yearning for and have that child in your arms flowers

Bdunta I'm sorry you're going through this too, I can only offer a handhold until you get your results. I must warn you though, that my friend is starting to TTC this year but she told me she was waiting a couple of months because conceiving shortly after you have a coil removed does sadly increase your risk of miscarriage.

On the other hand, with my first DD I came of the pill and got pregnant very quickly, was sure I was pregnant due to symptoms and made a booking appointment etc, but I got my dates so wrong, I was 3 whole weeks earlier than I thought I was! So I had a really scan and baby had grown perfectly to what they expected it to be. And I was so sure about my dates. I really hope this is the case for you flowers

Bdunta123 Wed 10-May-17 23:13:55

Hey all. So I finally miscarried this week. Thought I'd share my experience as it's good to reflect but also found reading all these personal stories so reassuring. Hopefully this will give other people some guidance on what they might expect etc.

So private scan on 29/4 should have been 10w6d. Scan measure 6w6d. Knew dates couldn't be wrong as had positive test on 10/3. I was devestated. Had all the pregnancy symptoms. I got referred to early pregnancy unit for a scan but they made me wait 9 days to the following Monday 8/5 as they wanted to compare growth in case dates were wrong.

It was the longest week of my life. Real emotional ups and downs. I decided not to go to work tues-fri, as a PE teacher didn't want to get caught in a lesson on a field with no toilet facilities nearby. It filled me with dread. There was also an element of shame as a handful of people new and I wasn't ready to tell anyone the sad news. The whole time I was at home I was obsessing over what an MMC was, what will happen in an MC, whether my dates could be wrong, what my options were. I have to say the waiting around was worse than the actual MC for me. I wanted to have the d&c as quickly as possible as I was petrified of miscarrying naturally at home.

I had cramps off and on the week building up and all my pregnancy symptoms disappeared four days after the first scan and the sad news. Interesting how body catches up once brain knows. The next bit has a bit more of the gorey details (I found this helpful to read) but if you are squirmish, skip it!!!

My first MC symptoms started a day before the scan when I was exactly 12weeks. Started with brown discharge and more griping cramps. Couple of hours later proper red scarlet blood when I wiped. I never really got a heavy flow like others described. Not sure if this is because the baby had died 5/6 weeks earlier so had broken down or whatever? Who knows. Lots came out when i sat in the toilet but not much actually into the sanitary towel.

The next morning I rang the EPU as I was unsure whether they'd still want to scan because of bleeding. They were lovely and said they still did and wanted to know I was ok etc. The Dr and Nurses were so nice. She confirmed it was an Mmc, that the sack and fetal pole we had seen in scan (I took a copy with me) were just big dark blobs now because they had begun to break down etc. She showed me my uterus and where the pregnancy tissue was and also checked my ovaries etc and said everything looks healthy and normal. She told me to do expectant management as it was very low down and said it should all come out within a couple of days or so. She signed me off work for another 5 days and told me not to rush back and to take this time to get body and mind back. She said that when the sac/embryo comes out that I will get sharp pains and likely to feel a 'gushing' sensation. She also said that we could try again as soon as I wanted which was nice to know as so many people say you should wait a while. Good to know that medically there is no reason to wait if you don't want to.

Anyway, went home prepared for the worst. The whole thing lasted only 4 days. Sunday- Tuesday I had average bleeding but really bad low ab pains, some just like crappy period pain then other times waves of contractions that took my breath away. All I could do was take paracetamol, have a hot water bottle constantly, breath deeply, curl up and watch tv, eat chocolate and even some wine when I was up to it. On the Tuesday night the cramps changed. It was more like what I can only describe as 'pressure' deep in my uterus really low down. Constant - like super long contractions that lasted several minutes would ease off and then be back moments later. Almost like having a toddler sitting on your lap when you have period pain and a full bladder. Felt like it was going to pop! Or like waistband was cutting into my bladder. It felt hard and bloated. But I had no bleeding at this point so didn't know whether this was the big build up or just my uterus being angry! I went to bed dosed up on meds and my water bottle and hoped for the best. I woke up at 5am, sensing I'd started bleeding again. Went to the loo and suddenly without any pain, something definitely fell/gushed out. I chose not to look, but I knew it was the 'big' but I'd been waiting for. About 50p size. And instantly I felt a real sense of relief once it had happened. I got cramps and some bleeding for about 3 hours after. This was this morning and I have just experience my first afternoon of no bleeding or cramps (at all!!!) and enjoyed an evening out with the Hubbie. I feel sooo much better, as light as a feather, that this nightmare has finallly come to an end. I've had no bleeding and just occasional twinges in uterus. But taken no pain relief since 6am this morning.

I know everyone is different. From my experience of reading these experiences from people, no two stories are the same. But reach out to people. You are not alone. People don't talk about miscarriage enough. I had no idea that you could MMC. We (women) have to put our minds and bodies through the most stressful experience of making and growing a baby. It's not as straight forward for everyone. Friends and family who haven't been through this will try and say the right thing. But they will never know how you are feeling. We can only learn by others. To anyone who's just found out they have MMC my heart goes out to you. All I can say is every day that passes will get that slightly bit easier. If anyone every wants to chat feel free to message me xxxx all the best for your baby making futures xxx

Ir77 Wed 17-May-17 12:39:07

So sorry for all your losses ladies flowers

One thing I'm really struggling with is the image of my empty uterus in the scan. I can't get it out of my head.

It was my 12 weeks scan, but it stopped growing at 7 weeks. We saw the heartbeat at 6+6 so it must have stopped shortly after.

This is my 3rd loss. One chemical result of an IUI, an ectòpic (my only natural conception after 3 years of TTC) and last week a mmc after my last frozen embryo IVF.

So this is the last time for me. How I could try again? Who knows what next fatality a new pregnancy would bring? Even if the pregnancy was going ok, how do you cope with the anxiety and fear? No thanks, not for me.

cake flowers and wine to all of you.

Backhometothenorth Wed 17-May-17 12:46:38

So sorry that we all share this pain. Be kind to yourselves and allow time to grieve flowers

Happenedagain2017 Wed 17-May-17 12:49:58

lr77, I am so sorry you have been through this. It is truly awful. Unbearable and desperately unfair. I am iprobably not in precisely the same position, but I have suffered two TFMRs in six months and like you am finally recognising that I can't put myself through this again (and I think I might be quite a bit older than you). Nothing else to add but sending you strength and good wishes and the knowledge that you are not entirely alone. I hope you have some good support IRL. Have you tried/considered counselling to help you through this?

IntelligentPutty Wed 17-May-17 13:48:50

I keep reading and re reading this post.
Different days and different moods.
8 week scan one week ago showed measurement of only 3.5 mm with slow heartbeat.
Was such a shock and now waiting for next scan in a couple of days time.
I keep googling could it be ok but inside I know it's not.
I'm past the crying and upset stage now and just waiting for the mc to start.
I sound cold. I think I need to be to be able to function....
I suppose we can all live in hope that next pregnancy will be ok.
So many good stories I see out there.
Hugs to you all. X

Ir77 Wed 17-May-17 15:47:09

Happenedagain2017 I can't even start to imagine what are you going through.

IntelligentPutty So sorry you are going through this. The not knowing is torture. Hang in there. brew

I'm kind of relieved that is over. No more treatments no more waiting and actually looking forward to move on, but still have to deal with the anger and guilt. Having answers would help a lot...

IntelligentPutty Wed 17-May-17 19:15:29

Ir77. Thanks for your words.
Please don't feel guilt. Anger I can understand but it is not your fault. Don't blame yourself. It's a horrible emotion which will only eat you up from inside.
You do not deserve that.
X

IntelligentPutty Wed 17-May-17 19:19:20

Bdunta

I just properly (and fully) read your post for the first time. It is so helpful to read what you went through. Really gives me an idea of what to expect. I hope it's helped you to write it down it has helped me although not sure what will happen here!!

X

jimijack Wed 17-May-17 19:28:49

I can relate 100% to what you say in your op.

I had 7 miscarriages. I was so used to feeling how you describe op, it became permanent.
I Felt physically sick when people announced their pregnancies, especially early on, 6,7,8 weeks in.
Their presumption that their pregnancies would progress normally without issue would infuriate me.

I thought I would die with the pain & distress some days.

But it all turned out ok in the end.

Thattwatoverthere Fri 19-May-17 13:12:02

My baby would have been due on the 1st June and I'm finding it hard to think that now I'd have only a couple of weeks to go.

I had a mmc that was picked up at an early scan at an abortion clinic. I wasn't planning on actually having an abortion but when my ex found out I was pregnant he hit the roof and made all sorts of demands and tried to make me think I shouldn't have it. Going there was a sort of 'fuck you, I'm playing the game' but I really, really wanted my baby. They told me then that there was no sign of a baby but was 'products' which scared the life out of me. I was still testing positive at the time so was in. I doubt I'd been mistaken. I was about 9 weeks at that point.

I was referred to epc for a scan a couple of days later where they confirmed a twin pregnancy that wasn't progressing, they measured me at 6 weeks 6 days and no heartbeats. I did the first positive test at about 5 weeks and knew my dates were right so it was clear it wasn't right. Because I'd been referred by BPAS it was assumed that I wouldn't be upset I think, I had to tell them that actually it was wanted and broke down.

2 weeks later I was in for a D&C as there were no signs of miscarrying naturally. The staff couldn't have been nicer and it was a really easy process physically. My pregnancy symptoms went away immediately which was a huge relief, right up until the D&c I felt pregnant and could see changes in myself which was awful for the couple of weeks when I knew I'd lost them.

Now life is different and a lot better. My ex remains an ex thank god and I'm back with my first love who loves me to pieces and would never treat me how my ex did. Hopefully down the line I'll get another chance to try again but I'll never forget how awful and upset that time of my life was and will always miss what might have been. But then I'm so grateful to my baby because it's what got me out of a horrible relationship and gave me my freedom back. In the least possible 'woo' sense I think it happened for a reason which is a huge comfort to me. I'd still be in a loveless relationship on the verge of breaking down had it not happened.

flowers for anyone who has been through it or is going through it. It does get better.

Sorry for how long that was!

IntelligentPutty Fri 19-May-17 14:22:47

Sounds like it was a really hard time for you. But am so pleased you have moved on and able to see a good life going forwards.
I know the feeling of loss as had ectopic last year and was due middle of march. It was a hard time but past it and moved on.

My scan today confirmed no heartbeat. Have d &c booked for Monday.
Think I'll have a glass of wine tonight.
Been sticking to caffeine free, no alcohol in the vain hope that it would ok. It's not.
Ah well. We can try again.

Hugs to anyone going through this. It's hard. ;(

Thattwatoverthere Fri 19-May-17 18:01:13

intelligent I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you're as ok as you can be under the circumstances. I think you definitely deserve a wine tonight. flowers and wine to you

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