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Struggling emotionally

(14 Posts)
Gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Mar-17 07:28:42

I have just had my third loss. No living dc. First pregnancy ended in an early but very traumatic mmc, second stillbirth, third second trimester mmc.

I had surgical management last tuesday. I feel like i am coping but one thing is really niggling me and making my emotions swing badly.

My dp didnt attend any appointments this pregnancy which we both agreed on and i still am happy we made the right decision however i am hurt that when i found out about this mmc (had to give him the news via text) he didnt drop everything and make his way to the hospital. I had to hang around a few hours whilst a plan of action was put into place.

Fortunately the surgical management was arranged for the next day. I had to get in early someone could sit with me an hour then i would be taken to sdu and returned to the ward and could be collected later. Dp didnt take any time off to take me so a family member had to. Up until this point i kind of understand there were some crossed wires and i didnt want to be there myself so him not trying didn't massively ring any alarm bells. He works in education so i appreciate it is probably difficult getting time off short notice. In the aftermath it has slightly upset me tho. Altho i had surgery first thing i wasnt discharged until after 6.00pm due to complications but luckily my family member had been able to stay and was a great support.

The thing that's niggling me - he hasn't mentioned to work anythinf about the pregnancy or miscarriage and it really hurts. I can't get my head round why. He classes some people there as friends, always texting, going to the pub, nights round his house but noone has any idea of what we've i it seems have been through. I just find it really odd and like he is putting someone elses feelings above mine. I have askes him and he says he doesn't want people feeling sorry for him. I wish i had that luxury! I cant even be bothered speaking to him today.

OP’s posts: |
vainofmylife Wed 22-Mar-17 07:33:09

I'm so sorry to hear this ginger sad what a horrible thing to have to go through, especially without the support of your DP.

Could he perhaps be struggling to cope with this as well and this is just his way of dealing with it? Taking a step back and distancing himself for it all? Not saying that it's right, but maybe it's how he is coping.

You need to have a very open and honest conversation with him.

I really really hope you go on to have a successful pregnancy flowers

Gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Mar-17 07:40:41

They suspect the baby had pataus so it brings me a little comfort that it ended when it did particularly after what i went through with my son but saying that once you're out of the first trimester you do start to get a bit more confidence.

I honestly don't know. I've asked. I've told him how i feel but nothing seems to register. He's shown no emotion at all.

It's just such a difficult time. I was doing so much to sustain the pregnancy and now im just back to 'normal' it's a lot to take in.

OP’s posts: |
tigerdog Wed 22-Mar-17 07:50:15

I am so sorry for your loss ginger. You've been through so much. I think a whole host of emotions are perfectly normal and it's still so early and raw. Give yourselves time to grieve.

I also had moments where I felt angry and frustrated with my DH because it felt like a total mismatch between what had happened and his emotions. We have talked it through and try to meet in the middle to help each other cope best. I have realised his way is just as valid. For us, DH not telling his parents has been hard for me - we see them loads and are close. He doesn't want to worry them, but I struggle with having to put on a brave face.

After my first mc, I was really upset that my DH went straight back to work too - I needed him! He doesn't want to talk about it to anyone either or have it impact on his professional life. If only I had that luxury - I've had to tell people at work and take time off, even though I'd rather not have people feel sorry for me!

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to cope but perhaps you need to talk to each other about your needs so that you can find a way that works for you both. I think if your DH didn't come to any appointments then he was already distanced from what was happening, and that's his way of coping.

Thinking of you. flowers

Patsy99 Wed 22-Mar-17 07:53:35

Sorry for what you've been through op.

I also had 3 miscarriages (all first trimester). My DH disappointed me with his lack of support - he was disengaged and although he did come and collect me after surgery for example, he was late and his mind was clearly on work.

Although some men are devastated by miscarriage I think some of them just don't feel it as strongly, it's not as physically immediate for them.

It did make me aware of the limits of my DH's emotional support though, which is a sad thing.

Gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Mar-17 07:53:40

That really helps to see others have experienced similar.

I do feel a part of it is jealousy / envy on my part that i have had to inform work and take time off etc. Not that i don't want to but i don't have a choice.

I guess i am taking it too personally.

OP’s posts: |
Gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Mar-17 07:55:11

patsy that is a very valid feeling, going forward i worry about being in the same situation again and the lack of support.

I really feel like i need him at the minute and i'm not usually a needy person. I don't like the feeling.

OP’s posts: |
Patsy99 Wed 22-Mar-17 07:56:18

Apologies op, your second loss was a stillbirth not a miscarriage flowers

Gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Mar-17 08:09:20

it's ok patsy. thank you.

OP’s posts: |
ems137 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:51:12

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and are currently going through. I've had 5 losses, 3 MC, 1 1st trimester MMC, 1 2nd trimester MMC and it's so so hard.

I too directed some anger at DH for not reacting a certain way and I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Now we have a toddler and I'm 25 wks pregnant again and I've understood where his actions came from. He was scared to show emotion, he wanted to be strong for me, he didn't want people to know about the pregnancies until we felt "safe" because it was too hard for him to talk about it when things went bad. He found it easier to cope if he had a "normal" side of life to escape to.

You both cope in different ways. Keep talking though, even when it's not good. Good luck x

Gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Mar-17 10:04:36

i've text and apologised said i am struggling and its obviously his way of coping.

He said he just prefers to keep things in. I need to stop taking it so personally.

Thank you for all the advice everyone it has made me feel better.

OP’s posts: |
Hulaballoo Wed 22-Mar-17 15:20:04

Can empathise, my DH and I had an argument 2 days after erpc and we didn't talk for a week...☹️I was so low, he spent the week grouting our bathroom tiles, whilst I looked after DCn. Eventually I burst and we talked it all out including lack of support... Which helped. It may help just to let it all out so you can move forward... I chose to b tell a few work colleagues, I work in education too, I found b they gave me hugs, they had had mcs too and that helped me, dh just kept everything in-Still does with regards to my MC. Think he was relieved tbh. confusedhe doesn't want anymore now 😥Big hugs and so sorry for your loss.

Gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Mar-17 18:49:00

thanks hula. It's such a lonely thing to go through isn't it.

we have been good tonight. hope my emotions keep in check and we stay that way. thank you so much for all the advice and support i really appreciate it.

OP’s posts: |
PossibiliTea Thu 30-Mar-17 23:35:13

Sorry I know this is a couple of days old but I'm going through the same with my OH all he's done is work... People are saying maybe that's his way of dealing with it and I feel selfish in saying that I wish we were on the same page emotionally here. He worked from home which was good in case there was an emergency but I ended up making him all his food and drinks etc... I dunno...
But anyway sorry to ramble/moan but you are not alone.

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