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How to cope with Mother's Day

(12 Posts)
Cocoabean25 Fri 17-Mar-17 20:26:45

Had a miscarriage just over 2 months ago. My pain and grief still feels very raw and I'm still very emotional. With the build up to Mother's Day I've been feeling more upset this week and am wondering how to get through Mother's Day. I feel like a mum to the baby even though they're not here anymore and I don't think anyone will recognise me as a mum. Do you also think it's still normal to be feeling sad and upset? Some people are saying they think I should be moving on by now but I still miss my baby so much xx

Givemeakick Fri 17-Mar-17 20:37:27

I really struggled last Mothers Day. My baby had been stillborn a few months previously. I was pregnant again and didn't expect to be upset but I really was. I really wish that dh had acknowledged that I was a mum in some way but it took us both by surprise. We were more prepared for Fathers Day. Can you talk to those around you and plan a way to mark the day?

Cocoabean25 Fri 17-Mar-17 20:46:37

I think the would have been dad is planning on getting a card but that's just something he's sort of hinted at. I will be going out with my mum and sister for the day but not sure how I will cope with putting on a brace face that day. It still feels so hard xx

Givemeakick Fri 17-Mar-17 21:23:31

Was he sort of hinting to sound out how you felt about it? Do you have to put a brave face on or could you share your feelings with your mum and sister?

Cocoabean25 Fri 17-Mar-17 21:32:32

I have this thing where I've convinced myself everyone thinks I should be over this when I'm still really not. I said I didn't think anyone would recognise me as a mum on Mother's Day and he said he would but now I've ruined the surprise xxx

Hotpinkangel19 Sat 18-Mar-17 07:13:10

I had a miscarriage on Mother's Day 😔 the day has too many bad memories for me, but I have get on with it for my mum, mil, and my 3 dc's xxx

purpleflower23 Sat 18-Mar-17 17:33:07

Mothers Day is a really hard day to cope with... I've had 4 mcs (no living DC) so I tend to do something nice with my own Mum (who I'm close to) and try to focus on being the daughter rather than the Mum in the Mothers Day situation, iyswim? xxx

emvy Sun 19-Mar-17 14:06:27

I can understand you feeling like people expect you to have moved on. I think many do, I also think many don't. You'd be surprised how many of your friends, family and support network completely understand (or if not understand, offer comfort in some way). I am always being surprised with how those that know my situation encourage me to be open still about how much this is hurting me. You need to heal in your own time, even those that haven't gone through it can understand that to some extent. Share with your mum and sister how you are feeling. Explain you are looking forward to spending time with them but the day will be a little raw for you. I guarantee you'll be surprised at how understanding they will be. Take all the time you need, there is no "should" about how anyone deals with this x

Cocoabean25 Mon 20-Mar-17 22:28:13

Thanks for your advice. I spoke to my mum a bit and she said she doesn't expect me to be over this yet and I said the way she never mentions it gives me the impression she thinks I shouldn't still be sad. I told her Mother's Day will be really hard for me and she didn't really say anything. My family have never been one for showing emotions so I'm quite different to everyone else. I haven't really spoken to my sister because her and her husband are having real difficulties with conceiving a child. I spoke to my best friend a bit. It seems that whoever I talk to, it doesn't matter how understanding people are, I still feel very alone in this.

emvy Tue 21-Mar-17 06:33:18

I think, unfortunately, feeling alone is always something that will happen regardless of support. It's your experience and only yours, not anyone will be able to share in that entirely. I certainly feel the same and it seems that many others in this situation do too. It's good that your mum has shared she doesn't expect you to be over it. I've found, however, that like you say, people don't mention it but I think that's because people recognise that it's a painful thing and don't want to bring it up if it's going to make you sad and therefore they don't. I've found people tend to leave it up to me to bring up and then I always feel like I'm boring them and they're not interested. It's a very difficult situation and people just don't know how to respond. That's why sites like this can be so supportive during this time - there are others going through it too. However, i do find it comforting talking to a friend that has also been through the same thing if you know anyone at all that has been here. I'm so sorry you feel alone.

Gerbilmum Tue 21-Mar-17 08:02:22

I've had a baby since my mc and I'm still not over it. 2 months is no time at all. I do agree that you may find it helps to speak to someone who has been in the same situation. Sadly people who haven't been there have no idea. My family seem to have completely forgotten about my mc, telling me how easy my birth was and my sister joking I should be a surrogate for her as her birth was much more difficult. Saying that they seem to have forgotten how difficult my second pregnancy was, in ADU every other day from 28 weeks. I found speaking to my DP helped as he is in the same boat.

Cocoabean25 Wed 22-Mar-17 21:06:24

Thanks for your replies. It doesn't help that I'm ill at the moment with bronchitis and that on top of being exhausted and grieving is making me find it hard to cope. I forgot to wear the bracelet I got in memory of my baby today and felt horrendous for not wearing it. I don't want to baby to think I have forgotten them. Sometimes all I need is a hug but I don't think people see that. The baby's dad is being a bit useless at the moment too and as we don't live together it's hard to tell him how I'm feeling and he's not always there when I need him. Gerbilmum - it's good to hear you don't think 2 months is long at all. I consistentlypunish myself thinking everyone thinks I should be over this and as the dad doesn't seem to be sad anymore either I get really hurt by that. Feel like screaming at the world sometimes!

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