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Jealous of my sister's pregnancy

(15 Posts)
pinkchampagne1 Thu 02-Mar-17 23:42:44

Back in 2010 at this very time of year I was pregnant with my then DP but now DH's first and only child. I was due on the 14th October - my other halves 40th birthday - much as it was unplanned it all seemed so meant to be if that makes sense. I had two boys already with my ex H but this was to be the first time I would have had a supportive partner by my side - it almost felt too good to be true, and it was. At our 12 week scan we found out our baby had died 5 weeks previously. We had suffered a MMC. sad

Unfortunately by the time we were ready to try again (I had over 2 years worth of counselling as was a total mess following the miscarriage) I was 40, had a husband who worked Mon-Fri night shifts and lets just say that 4 years later it hasn't happened and I now have to accept it never will. That baby we lost was our only chance of a child together.

I had been feeling a bit sad about this but told myself that there was nothing I could do about it and had to move on. I was kind of doing okay with it all until around 3 weeks ago when my sister (who also has two boys like me) came round and announced she was pregnant after one oops moment at the end of her period. She will give birth a month after her 40th birthday.

I suddenly felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. like someone is punishing me further. Not only is it the exact same time of year that I was pregnant with the baby I lost but she is also the kind of age that I tried and failed to get pregnant. I will never have my rainbow baby. We will never have a child together. I will never have that third child, yet my sister is and she didn't even really want another! It all feels so unfair and I have been depressed and tearful since hearing the news. Of course I put on a brave face in front of my sister and join in pregnancy discussions but inside I feel broken.

How do I get to a point where I feel okay about all this? I am going to be an auntie again and should be excited not depressed. I don't know how to make myself feel better about the whole thing. Do you think I should seek yet more counselling?

pinkchampagne1 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:17:47

I am aware I come across a bit of a brat here. I haven't let on to my sister how I am feeling but it has really knocked me emotionally.

SookiesSocks Fri 03-Mar-17 07:21:44

You dont come across as a brat all.

You are hurting and thats ok.
It will take time but you will start to feel better. You cant force it.

Just remember your sister has not done this to spite you or hurt you. I am sure once the baby is born slthough it may still hurt you will love the baby.
flowers

pinkchampagne1 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:32:57

Oh I know. It is not my sister I feel angry with, it is just how unfair the situation feels. It has stirred up all kinds of emotions in me and I often find myself tearful. I think my DH is worried I will end up in the bad way I was following my miscarriage.

I had been dealing with things a lot better. I felt sad that I would never have that child with DH but I had to accept it and move on with life. Now this has happened I feel I have taken a thousand steps backwards. I feel angry with myself for not trying harder for that baby, for not seeking medical support. I took a bit of a 'if it happens it happens' kind of attitude as we were busy planning our wedding. I so regret that now. The wedding could have waited but the baby couldn't. Lots of 'what ifs' but it is all too late now. sad

pinkchampagne1 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:59:07

Will I get over this sad feeling? Do you think I need more counselling?

Gurraun Fri 03-Mar-17 09:55:10

I understand how you feel. I have 3 lovely boys too but would love a 3rd and have had 2 mc in 6 months. I feel jealous of everyone who seems to get/stay pregnant easily as my 2nd mc was definitely because the baby had Down's syndrome and as I'm pushing 40 I think that's it for me too.

My best friend had a lovely little boy yesterday which was the due date of my first mc pregnancy- I'm thrilled for her but can't help feeling 'it should be me too'.

Sorry not saying this to hog your thread, just to show I know how you feel. I'm going to have some counselling and I think it might be worth a try for you too.

ThankYouDebbie Fri 03-Mar-17 10:37:11

Hugs pinkchampange1

Just offering a different perspective to say that you don't know what might or might not have been. I'm at home now having m/c #4, unexpectedly pregnant at 40 having failed to have any DC with my DP (who doesn't have his own DC, I have one) and wishing I hadn't held on to that tiny bit of hope but instead put my family through all this crap again.

It's early days for you hearing this news but having more counselling might help if you think you need it x

pinkchampagne1 Fri 03-Mar-17 17:48:04

Thank you both and I am so sorry you have been through multiple miscarriages. It is such a devastating thing to go through, especially so when you don't go on to have a successful pregnancy after. I literally felt shattered to a billion pieces after losing our baby and would get frustrated that others couldn't understand the pain I was in. It helps to talk to people who really understand.

I feel I should be over this as I suffered my miscarriage nearly 7 years ago, and I was doing a lot better emotionally over the last few years. It never leaves you. Every time I see a child around the age our child should be I think of what could have been. It is with me all the time but I plod along okay and had started to accept that we would now never have a child together and that I needed to move on. I felt a sadness that my childbearing years were over and that door was closing but I was doing okay. That was until hearing my sister's news. I managed to wear a smile and didn't let on that it had got to me but inside I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. As soon as she left I broke the news to my DH and burst into tears. I have been feeling really sad ever since.

ThankYouDebbie - I am so sorry you have been through this 4 times. sad I am like you in that I have children from my ex husband but this would have been my new DH's first child. I so wanted to give him a child of his own as he would have been the most fantastic father. I also craved having a supportive partner by my side as my ex h was very unsupportive during my pregnancies with the boys. I can't believe my sister is the one who is getting the third child that I wanted so badly. I hate that I feel this intense jealousy and wish I could press a button that would make me feel okay again and excited about being auntie to a new niece or nephew.

Chintaria Fri 03-Mar-17 23:24:46

Oh pink I feel for you so much. I know just how devastating miscarriage is - I am currently going through my 11th miscarriage, while my sister in law continues on with her pregnancy. My due date was three weeks after hers, and as the start of my miscarriage was confirmed on Wednesday she was having her successful 12 week scan. It is enough to tear me apart. However, for our own sakes we need to find a way through, and to manage to get to a place where this situation is bearable.
Can I ask what kind of counselling you had? Personally, CBT has been fantastic for me, and today I booked a session for Monday as I really need to find a way through. Have you tried CBT?
If counselling is what got you through last time, then I wouldn't hesitate to start up with it again. Even the strongest of us needs a little help now and then.
One thing that is helping me in this situation is thinking that my sil's baby is part of the family, and that it'll be so lovely to have a new baby in the family. I have two dc already, like you, and they are so excited to become cousins. I have to say though that talking to my sil over the last few days has been incredibly difficult, but it's my baby I am grieving, and I wouldn't want hers.
Sorry if this is disjointed, hope it all makes sense.
Thinking of you flowers

pinkchampagne1 Sat 04-Mar-17 11:36:50

I am so sorry that you have been through so many miscarriages, Chintaria. It must be beyond devastating for you and I feel a bit pathetic when I see what you have been through. sad It must be so difficult for you having your SIL due a baby around the same time that you should have been having yours. I really hope you manage a successful pregnancy soon. flowers

I just had regular counselling last time. I ended up having over two years worth as I was in such a bad way. There were other things I had been dealing with before the miscarriage too and I also lost my cousin suddenly just 3 weeks after the miscarriage. 2010 was a bad year.
I have never had CBT but I have friends who have had it and found it has really made a difference so might be worth me looking into that. I hope you find it helps you through this difficult time.

I know I will love the baby once it is here just like I love my two nephews. I have been trying to focus on the positives. I think I am just feeling so sad because I know my chance of having that much wanted child with my DH is now pretty much non existent and it is hard to get my head around. I didn't expect my sister to have a third as she had sold all her baby stuff and only said a few months back how she finds motherhood hard work and that she is not that maternal. When she announced her pregnancy I felt total shock and then it seemed to intensify all the sadness I felt about my miscarriage and the fact I have to come to terms that I have lost my chance to have that 3rd baby now.

I know that in the next couple of weeks my sister will have her 12 week scan and much as I will want to see the scan photo it will also hurt as it was at my 12 week scan that we found out we had lost our baby.
I think it may be worth me maybe making a doctors appointment, preferably with a female GP to talk this through and maybe enquire about some kind of counselling.

MsJuniper Mon 06-Mar-17 19:53:49

Hi pink. I have recently been in a similar situation to you so will offer my experience in case it helps.

I've had 5 losses since my DS and I'm 6 yrs older than my sister who has just had DC2. It was so so hard and exacerbated by my guilt at not being 100% happy for my DSis. I really struggled with it and we did grow apart a bit during her pregnancy.

One thing it made me realise was how much I block out mentions of babies or pregnancy - this was one that couldn't be ignored but I think I shut off a bit of myself for a long time. Now I've realised that, I am going to try and get some counselling - until now I've been very resistant.

During the time leading up to the birth, things got very acute and I had several really big snotty cries. Letting myself do that (in private) made it much easier to deal with the reality. I also spent a bit more time with my sister, made myself do "the right thing" and take an interest. Sometimes it felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach, but it has helped our relationship and it's helped me separate my feelings.

I confided in a friend how I was feeling and was amazed that she was totally understanding, in fact she thought my family should have been far more sensitive and sympathetic about my feelings. She made me see that my feelings were completely valid and didn't mean I was being selfish. She also understood that it was possible to feel 2 opposing things at once.

Now the baby is here, I absolutely love them. It's made me see how separate my feelings about my own losses actually are from DN and for my sister.

It's not totally fine now - people have a tendency to ask stupid questions when your sister is pregnant so I am sometimes caught off guard. But I feel like I've got through the worst bit and I really truly feel love and happiness for DN where at one stage it felt it was impossible.

pinkchampagne1 Wed 08-Mar-17 21:43:15

Thank you for sharing your story, MsJuniper. I am so sorry you have experienced 5 losses - this must be devastating. Your sister's pregnancy must have been so difficult for you.

I associate with so much that you describe. I found myself shutting off too and it wasn't until on Sunday when my mum asked if I had spoken to my sister recently that it hit me how I have avoided messaging her as much as normal over the last few weeks. I then forced myself to send her a message that evening. She has informed me that her scan is a week Friday and she hits the 12 week mark on Sunday. I need to face up to these things as there is no hiding from it - it's happening and I can't let it affect my relationship with my sister.

I think some counselling may be a good idea to help me through all this.

I am pleased things are so much better for you now - that is reassuring to hear. Thank you for taking the time to post your story. It is good to talk to people who really understand my feelings.

dd17 Thu 10-Aug-17 16:35:22

sadsad

I was already feeling horrible but reading all these stories, my heart really goes out to all of you. I wish all of us luck soon. I fully get what you all are feeling in this situation.

My Sister got pregnant within 1 month of trying and here I am still miserable after 2 years. I can't even seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so hurt that my Sister did not even try to tell me personally about this or consider how I am feeling. In fact no one understands to the point where I wonder if I am over reacting. Mom called me childish for being affected and keeps telling me I am lucky for being in my current situation I.e. Not pregnant. How can she not even understand me? My Sister lives near me and I see her often and I can't bear seeing her with a big belly - it feels like a stab in my heart each time. So so so painful. And what's even more painful is that no one understands this pain. And in addition to that everyone around me is also popping. I can't even be excited for my sis at this point of time and her child. I'm thinking of honestly how to avoid her and her Daughter once she is born until I can get my feelings sorted out. It's really family support that all of us need in times like this and it hurts when family themselves never understand. To be called lucky for not being pregnant to a woman who wants to be her Mother is so hurtful. I've been throwing myself a pity party and crying to sleep every night. What I really need now is some understand and compassion.

bluebird3 Thu 10-Aug-17 20:06:06

dd17 i understand. And it's awful. I've also been trying >2 years and have had 2 rounds of IVF. First as bfn. Second was bfp but mc 2 weeks later. During my mc my dsis rang to tell me she was pregnant. Only 2 weeks further along...on her first month trying.

OP - I think those feelings are completely normal but not helpful to dwell on long term. I've let myself stew in my anger, jealousy, bitterness for a few weeks, but I know that I need to move through this and leave that behind. The only one who will suffer from my resentment is me. I'm still working on it, and will seek counselling if needed.

It's shit. Utter shit and there's no way around it.

dd17 Fri 11-Aug-17 03:09:45

pinkchampagne1, Chintaria - I am very sorry for the struggles you guys have been through and truly wish nothing but the best in future. It will continue to hurt but let's hope time will heal all wounds, slowly. It helps to be around supportive people.

Looking here, I think Counselling is a good option. When family is not supportive it may help to get professional help. Mom even said it's my fate and I need to deal with it. Apparently my Sister who is now heavily pregnant with backache is now in a worse situation than me. Me trying and being miserable? Just deal with it. Her backache is a major concern now. Sigh....

I vow not to tell them anything else about my journey since they can't be empathetic. I don't need such people around me to add on to my never ending tears.

Bluebird3, what you said is true. The only one suffering is ourselves. I've been though the whole jealousy, bitterness and see it turn to hate. I just wish people can be more sensitive when they talk to us about their joy. This has affected my relationship with her and I hate to see this happen yet I can't pretend. I can't pretend to be happy for my blood when I know I'm struggling alone.

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