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Feel so alone...

(12 Posts)
Cultofpersonality Thu 02-Mar-17 07:30:23

Miscarried in December. It was a bit messy really- I didn't know I was pregnant, bleeding wasn't normal for me so I went to the sexual health clinic because getting a dr appointment here is like getting blood from a stone.
Haven't really spoken about it. I'm not a maternal person, I don't want children, so just accepted what happened and tried to move on.
Built up the courage to talk about it with the 'father'.
He told me he was sorry, but I could tell he wasn't bothered. His new girlfriend is pregnant, so why would he care?
I don't really have anyone to talk to because they all know me as the person that doesn't want children, so I know they'll all say 'well you didn't want it anyway'

Now I just feel so useless...

Cocoabean25 Thu 02-Mar-17 18:43:34

Hi cultofpersonality. I'm assuming that the way you feel is because you did build a bond with that baby, despite not being maternal or wanting children. What exactly is making you feel so useless? I can understand how lonely miscarriage is as I had one in January and still feel alone no matter who I talk to. Big hugs xxx

Cultofpersonality Thu 02-Mar-17 18:57:44

I think I feel the way I do because I wasn't given the choice, if that makes any sense?
I don't know why I feel useless- maybe it's because I should be able to carry a child and I haven't been able to.. I know that's a really stupid thought, but it's just how I feel.

Hugs to you! Xxx

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints Thu 02-Mar-17 19:07:07

You shouldn't feel useless or guilty for feeling the way you do. You're having to come to terms with a pregnancy & the loss of a pregnancy all in one go. They're both fairly life changing events individually never mind all at once so it's one hell of a lot to take in, more so becuase you didn't have having a baby on your radar. Do you think counselling might help? Just someone impartial to talk to about you feelings?

SmokyMountains Thu 02-Mar-17 19:15:27

Gosh poor you. Its a big thing to cope with, even with people to talk to and support. It must be very hard to feel so on your own with this.

I have had a number of miscarriages and the feeling of uselessness is familiar to me in that....everyone else seemed to be effortlessly having babies (not true, I know, but how I felt).

If there is no one in your life you can turn to, I would try and get some counselling. flowers for you

Cocoabean25 Thu 02-Mar-17 19:25:17

I too felt so angry at my body for not looking after my baby the way it should have and spend an awful lot of time wondering why my body rejected the baby when I wanted to keep them so much. Maybe it is a stupid thought but I think it's perfectly normal. It also doesn't help that you're having to deal with this alone without the man to talk to. It is such a hard and horrible situation and it's tough enough even when you have the support of everyone around you. We are always here to talk to though xxx

Cultofpersonality Thu 02-Mar-17 19:39:00

Thanks everyone.

Counselling is something I have thought about but I don't even know how I go about it! Do I go through my GP, or find someone myself? :/

Thank you Cocoabean.
That's exactly how I feel.
I didn't know if I wanted to keep the baby, but not having the choice has made me feel even worse. I feel like I can't even keep a child I probably didn't want...
The guys reaction to me telling him was so cold, so I wouldn't want him around to talk to!
Xxx

Cocoabean25 Thu 02-Mar-17 20:03:02

You're better off without him then! Men don't realise how much this upsets us. You can go through the GP to get counselling and then it's though the NHS or you can go private and get someone who specifically deals with pregnancy loss. I think with private counselling you can have it over a longer period of time. The GP will know all about private counselling too so I would definitely go and see them. It would be good to let them know how you are feeling anyway. My poor GP has had to deal with me a lot recently and I'm very emotional!!! xxx

SmokyMountains Fri 03-Mar-17 11:52:45

In terms of counselling, if you have funds available it might be best to book some privately as I know there is often a very long waiting list with the GP, certainly there was for me. I'm not sure I'd have coped if I'd had to wait.

If you happen to be in London, or in commuting distance of it, there is a wonderful place called city pregnancy that offers free of charge counselling to women who have miscarried, you just self refer through their website. If that isn't feasible, if you can say roughly where you are, someone else might know of a good place to recommend.

Cultofpersonality Fri 03-Mar-17 18:32:53

I'm in Staffordshire!
I know there's a place that seems to be where all doctors refer to, so may have a chat with my GP.
I feel a lot better for just talking about it tho. So thanks to everyone that has read and commented! It really does mean a lot Xxxx

Cultofpersonality Sun 05-Mar-17 08:01:08

Just writing because I need to get this out of my head really.

First night back at work after I finally felt brave enough to talk about it.
All of the things I had to deal with were somehow baby related- nursery furniture not delivered, wrong steriliser received... just made me think of what could have been and it's made me feel worse.
Nothing that can be done, it's the nature of my job. Can't take my boss to one side and tell him I can't deal with half of the work because I lost my baby and these lucky souls who get to keep theirs are making me feel upset.
Time off work could be an option but have no holiday hours so would either be unpaid or as sick. But if it's sick, people will ask questions and somehow it'll get out. And I couldn't face going back in to their sympathetic looks and 'I'm so very sorry for what happened'

Probably just need a gigantic ugly girl cry, and then to sleep for 8 hours. And maybe wine.
Just trying to do things to look forward to really. Few things planned for the next week. Could do with seeing the friendly faces of my two closest friends- maybe I'll try and plan that too...

Cantchooseaname Sun 05-Mar-17 08:09:51

You need to look after yourself- finding someone to talk to can make such a difference. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago, was determined I was fine, happens to lots of people, back at work after 2 days. I managed to hold it together for a bit- crying only at home/ in my car. However, I crashed.
No one knew I was pregnant, I didn't tell them about miscarriage.
Tell your friends?
It's was a world rocking experience for me.
Please seek some support, and be kind to yourself. It will pay off long term.

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