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Going through a miscarriage and feeling so alone...

(10 Posts)
Rachel2105 Sat 25-Feb-17 20:19:57

I have never been a member of a forum before but I just needed somewhere to vent these feelings...I am currently going through my first miscarriage, I thought I was 8 weeks pregnant but after alot of bleeding a scan confirmed that I was going through a miscarriage but it also revealed a pregnancy sac with no fetus so it appears I would have lost the baby at the very early stages the doctors used the term a blighted ovum...4 days on and I am still passing alot of clots (sorry for tmi) I know it's not long but I am really struggling emotionally and although the pregnancy never developed I still feel pregnant and I still feel an indescribable grief...I have to wait until Monday for my next scan to confirm whether the sac/tissue is still there...I have let the close friends I told I was pregnant the news of the miscarriage all replied with sympathy but I have not heard from anyone since and although my partner has been amazing through all of this I just feel so incredibly alone...will I get pregnant again? Is there something wrong with me? Will I miscarry again? I could never have imagined a miscarriage would be this painful emotional and physically...I also have a little boy nearly 2 who was taken to hospital by an ambulance two weeks ago as he had stopped breathing...I am so fearful that something will happen to him I am all over the place at the moment....sorry for the length of this post....

Mumtonone Sat 25-Feb-17 22:16:49

Hi Rachel.

Sorry you are going through this, I'm in much the same position - miscarrying at 8wks and currently in hospital with severe cramps and little progression. Emergency op booked for tomorrow.

It's such an isolating time, even with partners and friends trying to show support. My hubby is doing his very best, but little things that he doesn't consider are massively important.

I also have a little boy, and can see my protectiveness and his importance to me soar, following this experience. I can only imagine your insecurities given your son has been unwell as well.

Just know these feelings are normal. Give yourself the space and permission to feel like this. I've found crying it out has helped.

{{{big hugs}}}

Rachel2105 Sat 25-Feb-17 22:38:54

Hi mumtonone,

Thankyou you for your reply I am so sorry to hear what you are going through

I don't think anyone can really understand what you go through unless you have been through or going through a similar situation and it does feel so isolating...but looking through these forums and your message has been such a comfort as there is so much support on here from people who really understand

Stay strong! Good luck with your op tomorrow...sending lots of hugs! X x x

Caitz27 Sun 26-Feb-17 00:01:24

Hi Rachel, I have never really used forums before but after "miscarrying" my son at 23+4 weeks, I came on here to see if I could find advice and comfort and it has helped me so much. I found myself very closed off with my friends and family because I don't feel like they can fully understand how I feel. If you need to vent or feel less lonely then please just come on here and let it all out because there are so many lovely people. I'm so very sorry for your loss. It is not your fault and this does not mean that you have no chance again, when you're ready, to have another child. Sending a lot of love your way flowers

Rachel2105 Sun 26-Feb-17 08:27:41

Hi Caitz27,

Thankyou you for your message, and I'm so sorry I can't imagine what you must have gone through...I'm so happy to hear these forums have helped you too...I feel so much better talking to people who understand and reading other threads of people who have been through similar...I do not feel so alone as there are so many out there who can relate.

Thankyou for your words of comfort...all the best to you x x x

Cocoabean25 Sun 26-Feb-17 09:45:05

Hi Rachel, I'm 6 weeks in from my miscarriage and definitely still grieving. What you are feeling if completely normal. People have said that grieving after a miscarriage is a special kind of grief because you are grieving for more than the baby. It is hard to not feel lonely around people who haven't experienced what you have. I also feel lonely around my man because I don't think he fully understands what a woman goes through when this happens. Talking on here really helped me because lots of people here will truly understand. We're all here for you. Lots of crying helps too. Lots of hugs xxxxx

Borntoflyinfirst Sun 26-Feb-17 10:00:02

So sorry for all your losses. I went through a missed miscarriage/blighted ovum several years ago and like you OP I would never have believed it could be so painful physically and emotionally. I didn't know until I went for my 12 week dating scan. Anyway the reason I wanted to post is to say that I went on to fall pregnant again quite quickly and there were no problems. I also had another baby later. I also had an older dd when I went through the miscarriage.

Yes it's painful and yes you need to grieve. I don't believe it matters how early you lose a baby - it's still a baby in my mind. My dr asked if he should refer to it as a baby as opposed to foetus or even just sac. Take time to recover but know that there is no reason why you shouldn't go on to conceive again and have a problem free pregnancy. Concentrate on your little boy - draw strength from him. Watch him laugh and play. It really will help you through this. I hope he's all better now. Be kind to yourself.

Rachel2105 Sun 26-Feb-17 13:33:47

Thank-you all so much for your support and kind words it really has brought me comfort...thankyou! Love to all x x x

julcyte Tue 28-Feb-17 12:20:31

I am so sorry for your loss... I know this wouldn't add much to your comfort and wouldn't set the pain away...

I am going through this 'process' myself. I'm 31 and was pregnant for the first time. I never used contraception I was thinking that maybe I'm not capable of having babies. After setting ur minds up for the baby we started trying. When you set your mind to it every month becomes too long and with each period your hopes shrink... However, we have not been trying for that long. Only three months, but as I was going through depression and anxiety it seemed as a lifetime.

After noticing that period is 'late' on 18 January I did a pregnancy test and was so excited I couldn't believe for the first time seeing two red lines! The next day I bought tiny little baby socks, wrapped these and test in a box with a message to my partner - I just couldn't wait to share the happy news! All shaking of excitement I have given a present to him and had a very joyful evening! So much talk you have when you realised that life is finally changing in a way you've expected... We went to a bookshop and bought several books in order to prepare ourselves and just to have somewhere to refer to if we had questions.

I met GP who stated that I was 6 weeks pregnant and got referral to hospital, my booking appointment was set for 17 February which we both attended happily. Everything seemed so fine and it felt like I have wings! Midwife repeatedly told me that if I notice any anxiety or depression symptoms contact their help centre straightaway but I explained that these big news were meant so much happiness to me that I did not believe I will need this advice.

On 22 Feb evening I noticed a light brown discharge and got very concerned of what's happening... Next morning I called to my GP who advised to go attend early pregnancy unit for scan as soon as possible but as I had to go to work I decided to go there next morning. On the evening of 23rd I noticed that the discharge is developing a red/pinkish colour although it was still bright. Around the midnight we called to A&E who suggested we come in to see the doctor. As I am new to pregnancy (and even more new to any miscarriage as any expecting women would not read about it and scare themselves with possibilities of such) I did not know what's happening and tried to tell myself all will be fine. In A&E they told us that we have to return in the morning for a scan and we did - we came in before the unit opened and still had no thought that something can be wrong as GP and NHS helpline stated that it is perfectly normal to bleed during the pregnancy and that we will be relieved after seeing and hearing a baby's heart.

I was 10 weeks pregnant when they did a scan on 24 Feb. They told us that the foetus is of 6 weeks size and they could not see any movement and heart beat and that it looks like it stopped developing and the pregnancy was failing. I gushed in tears straight away as I put so much hopes... They told me that heavy bleeding is possible and that the body will most likely clear itself... I was not told that it is a miscarriage and they will need to do a test again after a week to determine. They haven't told me what to expect.

The same night the bleeding became heavier, I was passing big clots and I was in a horrible pain, having cramps every 1-2 minutes... After a sleepless night we went to see GP in the morning who stated that I miscarried and written a sick note. I wasn;t advised that the pain may come back. And it did the same afternoon, a bit different from the one I had at night, as it felt more constant rather than having cramps. The bleeding was heavier than my period and given that I was not given much information had no idea how long it will last and how long I will have to suffer that pain where I was barely conscious... After another horrible night, not adding the feeling of emptiness, hopelessness and blaming everyone and everything and especially myself and God and wanting to burn the church or to destroy it, the pain returned in the morning. No Ibuprofen or Co-codamol could help - I was talking to gods and raving in bed... same afternoon my partner took me to hospital where they have finally prescribed strong painkillers.

I never knew that miscarrying can be so horrible - I've been in terrible pain for 4 days and still feel tension and discomfort in abdomen when moving... My partner was trying to comfot me that I will be even more fertile (and GP) after this, but this didn't help - after suffering such pains I'm not sure if I want to go through this again if it ends up this way again... I thought miscarriage was more painful emotionally rather than physically and I was so so wrong... It just blew everything out of me - joy, energy, hopes and tolerance to others. I feel so sad for all those women who had it and had it not once in their life. And so sorry for you too...

All life was shattered and the emptiness inside does not allow any hope in and neglects the reality. It's just such an injustice... Especially for the ones who did everything to have a healthy pregnancy.

I believe you become mum whenever you realised that you are pregnant and any loss is a loss - doesn't matter whether it is called embryo, foetus or baby... It's your child which is being sent down the toilet with the gush of blood. And how can you convince yourself that you (your body) did not kill it and that is how nature works... I am so disappointed... Especially of the fact that you have to undergo nearly the same after miscarriage as the birth - pain, discomfort, in some cases (D&C and all the risks associated!) but the result you get is such unfair - in one case you leave with empty hands and sadness, the other way you have all joy and your dreamed of baby. It's just so so so unfair.

I can't say more than that I wish that this horrible dream stopped to all and you have never happened to relive this again. Sorry for such an 'angry post'...

J2008 Tue 28-Feb-17 20:02:26

Hi,

I suffered a miscarriage 3 weeks ago, I'm physically starting to get over it but emotionally getting nowhere. I've been told by nurses having a miscarriage doesn't effect you having a healthy pregnancy in the future and i hear so many stories online of women who have gone on to have children after losing one, I wouldn't worry too much about this part yet, i say this because thats what I did, I couldn't help but blame myself. To put your mind at ease with this, just think that when your physically recovered you can always go to the doctors and discuss your worries and maybe have some tests to see if there is anything going on ( this is something I want to do, but maybe not something for everyone) the doctors told me It could have been genetics and is in most cases (that caused the miscarriage).

I don't think it matters with the circumstances, if you lose a baby you lose a baby and there is nothing that makes it any less than what it is, its horrible and lonely and most people won't understand which makes it harder. It's going to be difficult but it does get slightly better every week, the more you keep busy and around your friends and family the more you'll start to feel 'normal' again. For me when I'm alone in the house I feel like I go into a big hole of just not wanting to move or get on with my life, i don't stop thinking about my baby. When I'm around people I still feel empty and numb but it's a distraction which is what you need, even if its only for a bit.

Try to take things slowly and one thing at a time. Everytone has advised me to take care of myself and be around loved ones and this is what I've tried to do. Vitamins are worth getting to help your body recover and in general will be good for you. Its a difficult time and I can't help too much as I'm not too far from where you are right now but I think the best thing I did was talk on here, it helps a lot. I'm sorry for your loss xxxxx

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