It is killing me.
DP berates me for crying about it. Gives me the cold shoulder, hugs me, but only because I have requested this at Relate sessions. They are not sincere hugs though. My tears turn him and make him resent me.
We went away for the weekend. An escape from the day to day triggers and to make new memories on the anniversary of the day we found out our baby's heart had stopped beating.
DP decided to tell me en route to our escape weekend away that his friends are expecting again.
Other people's pregnancies and new borns are my main trigger. The pain I experience when confronted by these triggers is so intense that sometimes I just want to die to make the pain go away.
I asked him how many weeks they are, he said he thinks the baby is almost ready to be born. He said there is never a right time to tell me these things. He couldn't tell me when they first announced the pregnancy as we had only just received news that other friends were expecting again, plus his step sister expecting, and the worst one, my ex-husband and his girlfriend - father of my living DC - also expecting.
DP said he knew I couldn't take anymore at that time.
I just don't understand what possessed him to trigger me right before our escape weekend. The day before the anniversary of our loss. Why couldn't he have waited a few more days or told me weeks ago?
I am so desperate to try again that some days I physically cannot breath. I had to remove myself from FB for fear of the next pregnancy announcement after Christmas and New Year proved to be the season for untold announcements.
I hate feeling like this.
I feel so alone. Any support groups I have encountered are teeming with women who are trying again. DP says I live in an 'echo chamber' and that there are lots of couples who do not try again after babyloss.
If only I could make myself feel the same way as them... I just can't. I miss my babies and I need the healing that so many women say they had after having another child.
I know I am incredibly fortunate to have two DC already but they didn't come without major struggles and intervention due to PCOS.
I'm just so tired. Tired of the primal painful yearning to heal by trying again. Tired of not being able to feel my baby wriggle inside me tired of never having kissed my sweet baby goodbye, tired of watching so many people experience my joy. Tired of being jealous and tired of being made to feel like I am the problem, I am the sick one, or I need to get on with my life now. I'm tired of DP and his family being insensitive and refusing to believe our precious child was real and was living.
I'm just so tired.
Its been a year now and it is not easier. If anything it is getting harder. I was told at the beginning time will heal me. When though? When will this stop?
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Can someone please talk to me about how the hell you come to terms with not trying again
22 replies
FrazzleRock · 20/02/2017 10:21
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