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Can someone please talk to me about how the hell you come to terms with not trying again

(23 Posts)
FrazzleRock Mon 20-Feb-17 10:21:28

It is killing me.
DP berates me for crying about it. Gives me the cold shoulder, hugs me, but only because I have requested this at Relate sessions. They are not sincere hugs though. My tears turn him and make him resent me.

We went away for the weekend. An escape from the day to day triggers and to make new memories on the anniversary of the day we found out our baby's heart had stopped beating.
DP decided to tell me en route to our escape weekend away that his friends are expecting again.
Other people's pregnancies and new borns are my main trigger. The pain I experience when confronted by these triggers is so intense that sometimes I just want to die to make the pain go away.

I asked him how many weeks they are, he said he thinks the baby is almost ready to be born. He said there is never a right time to tell me these things. He couldn't tell me when they first announced the pregnancy as we had only just received news that other friends were expecting again, plus his step sister expecting, and the worst one, my ex-husband and his girlfriend - father of my living DC - also expecting.
DP said he knew I couldn't take anymore at that time.

I just don't understand what possessed him to trigger me right before our escape weekend. The day before the anniversary of our loss. Why couldn't he have waited a few more days or told me weeks ago?

I am so desperate to try again that some days I physically cannot breath. I had to remove myself from FB for fear of the next pregnancy announcement after Christmas and New Year proved to be the season for untold announcements.

I hate feeling like this.

I feel so alone. Any support groups I have encountered are teeming with women who are trying again. DP says I live in an 'echo chamber' and that there are lots of couples who do not try again after babyloss.
If only I could make myself feel the same way as them... I just can't. I miss my babies and I need the healing that so many women say they had after having another child.
I know I am incredibly fortunate to have two DC already but they didn't come without major struggles and intervention due to PCOS.

I'm just so tired. Tired of the primal painful yearning to heal by trying again. Tired of not being able to feel my baby wriggle inside me tired of never having kissed my sweet baby goodbye, tired of watching so many people experience my joy. Tired of being jealous and tired of being made to feel like I am the problem, I am the sick one, or I need to get on with my life now. I'm tired of DP and his family being insensitive and refusing to believe our precious child was real and was living.

I'm just so tired.

Its been a year now and it is not easier. If anything it is getting harder. I was told at the beginning time will heal me. When though? When will this stop?

OP’s posts: |
FrazzleRock Mon 20-Feb-17 13:34:45

Lovely. Just had an email from Tommy's celebrating Rainbow babies.

I so want my Rainbow, so so much.

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MaybeDoctor Mon 20-Feb-17 14:05:38

Sorry to hear about your loss. It all seems very recent for you and perhaps, in time, you will start to feel better.

I don't have many words of wisdom. My situation is different, in that I have secondary infertility and never did get another positive pregnancy test - but I am 41 and cannot pursue any further fertility treatment. For me too, there is no more trying. Acceptance, and being grateful for what I have, has to be the only way. St John's Wort was quite helpful when I began to teeter on the edge of depression.

I am vaguely thinking of getting a piece of symbolic jewellery made - but perhaps it would be more upsetting to encounter it every day? I think there are blogs etc online about ways to acknowledge loss.

FrazzleRock Mon 20-Feb-17 14:26:39

Thank you for your response maybedoctor I am so sorry for you too.

I have a silver engraved pendant necklace which I bought myself, it also has my baby's birthstone on it.

It has been a year. A year of pain and tears. I'm exhausted.
I am on anti depressants which worked well to begin with. I didn't cry for a whole week.
Can I use St John's wort with prescribed AD's? I'll try anything.

I just cannot see things getting better without that healing. I am so grateful for my living DC and my DP, but it doesn't seem to help me to find any peace. Especially when I am made to feel like a terrible person for my tears and for my triggers.
He told me on Saturday that I have stopped him from seeing some of his friends (the ones with babies/pregnancies). I had no idea he was using me to blame and I don't remember ever telling him he can't see his friends. He's never mentioned it before. Though I did wonder why he hadn't seen those friends recently, and just assumed that everyone had been busy lately.

I'm to blame for so much of his misery. If I wasn't in so much emotional pain, we'd be ok. Things would be good again. As it stands, if I don't get better, then our relationship is going to fall apart. It has come so close. He even walked out on me a couple of weeks ago.
All I want to do is make peace with his decision. I tell him over and over again. But as soon as I'm triggered I have no idea if he's going to comfort me, or berate me.
If I don't tell him what is on my mind he gets angry, if I do tell him what's on my mind he gets angry and says I'm emotionally blackmailing him, despite me telling him I am desperate to make peace with his decision but its really hard and I need help through it.

If he could just sincerely comfort me when I'm triggered, I'm sure I could get through this pain a bit easier. But every time he shoots me down I go back to square one. Rock bottom. I keep telling him this in Relate but his come back is "I've a right to be angry, just as you've a right to cry. I don't tell you to stop crying do I"
I just don't think anger is helping either of us.

I just want it all to stop. I so want to be happy again.

I need this desperation for another baby, for the healing, to just disappear. I wish I could blow it away forever.

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FrazzleRock Mon 20-Feb-17 14:31:43

I know this is all so futile. No one can wave a magic wand.

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AnneLovesGilbert Mon 20-Feb-17 17:02:32

I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. I've seen some of your other posts and your grief is visceral, I feel for you so much flowers

I don't have any advice but it sounds like carrying on with counselling is the only way forward now, it gives you an outlet and hopefully in time it'll give you both better ways of relating to each other and supporting each other.

His anger seems at least as destructive as your sadness, have you made any progress on this in your sessions? He sounds really really angry and he's using this to shut down any discussions you could be having. I wouldn't be okay with this at all.

He seems to be using the threat of leaving you as a weapon to control your communications and your behaviour. I know you have a lot going on but have you taken a step back and worked out what he's bringing to your life now and whether you might actually be happier apart?

This might be completely inappropriate so please forgive me if it is. But you don't sound like you're making each other happy, or that you look forward to the same future, or that you're able to comfort each other through this experience.

Just worth thinking about.

3littlebadgers Mon 20-Feb-17 17:16:23

Oh darling, it is coming up to two years since my little girl was stillborn and it hurts like hell sad

These babies of our were and are so very wanted and so very loved. The empty arms hurt like hell.

Sorry if I missed it but is there a reason why you can't have your rainbow? I am not sure how you come to terms with moving on without, but I guess some people do.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend Mon 20-Feb-17 20:03:50

frazzle my love I am so sorry. My situation is different to yours in that I had three miscarriages before my DD arrived but I recognise that utterly bereft feeling, that ache for a child and that feeling as though you've been punched in the stomach when you hear about someone else's successful pregnancy.

Obviously we kept trying but my DH doesn't remember the babies we lost like I do. No one does. I broke down crying one day with my DD on my lap and when my mum asked me what was wrong I told the truth, that no one remembers their due dates and no one remembers the days they passed.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice but you are not a terrible person and you are not alone x

FrazzleRock Tue 21-Feb-17 10:34:18

Thank you so much for your messages and for your understanding. I am so very sorry for your losses.

AnneLovesGilbert I totally understand your suggestion, but I think I would honestly be finished if we split up. Before we discovered we were expecting the first time, we were ever so much in love and inseparable. We still are to some extent, when we are going through a good patch. The good patches are worth all the struggles. We are still ever so much in love and are very affectionate and considerate of eachother - during a good patch.
Before we discovered we were expecting, I wasn't terribly bothered about having another child. I was slightly broody, but I didn't have that pain that I have now. We were happy and had fun and were excited about our lives together. I keep thinking if I felt like that before, I can feel it again.
Besides, he is absolutely amazing with my living DC. He has totally taken the boys on board and loves them dearly. The boys adore him too.

I'd hate for us to break up because of this terrible experience. I need to find the strength to pull through.
He says I should maybe think about actually surrounding myself with pregnant women and babies. Get thought the hard bit in order to get to the other side. Maybe he's right. Taking that first leap is hard though. I genuinely think I might throw up, or burst into tears, or make a fool of myself in front of his pregnant friends.
I told him last night that I am sure his friends understand that I am struggling with pregnancies and that I need to take a back seat until I am feeling better. He says that no, actually people don't understand and that I can't expect them to.

We had a Relate session last night and we delved into our upbringings. It was fascinating to see how opposite our lives were growing up. His family are very confrontational and open and, from what I can gather, it does not matter who gets hurt in the process. My family are closed, we don't like confrontation and find it very awkward raising sensitive subjects.

i guess that is why I find all this so difficult. He faces things head on. He would rather tell me exactly how it is. Exactly what people think, rather than be gentle with me. His father is the same. This is why his father told me, in front of all the family, that our baby does not exist, that our baby was not a living person, and that I am ill.

It is just the way they are. I just need to strength to cope with it.
I need to somehow find the strength to make peace with all of this so that we can be the way we were before. I just do not have any idea how, apart from DP's suggestion of surrounding myself with my triggers, rather than trying to avoid them.

Snoopy You final paragraph struck a huge chord with me. DP wants to forget. I feel like I am all our baby has left. I am the only one who wants to remember her due date (I call it her birthday) and the day we found out we'd lost her. I'd love to be able to do something special together on these significant days, but when I mentioned her birthday in September, DP shot me down. Said he'd hoped this 'anniversary' of her passing away would be the last.
It's such a lonely feeling.
No one wants to remember our beautiful baby anymore or talk about my pregnancy or the things we had planned etc.. But everything is so fresh in my mind. I want to talk about her all the time. I want to scream from the rooftops that my baby existed and I love her and that she is just as important as any baby out there.

I emailed Mind yesterday. Perhaps they can help fix my head for me.

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monkeytree Fri 24-Feb-17 19:17:07

Hi Frazzle
Just wanted to say, I too find myself remembering my mc anniversaries alone. When the words of what I'm going through seem to be on the tip of my tongue when I talk to friends etc, they don't seem to come out. My dh doesn't want to talk about things like what my late ds would be doing now at nearly two etc, it is a very lonely place. I did having counselling which helped but I really think I could still do with it especially around anniversaries etc. I think about my late ds every day in some way, even if it is just for a few minutes. I went to a SANDS group but as you said there were women who were hopeful and trying again - not in my situation having run out of time. Around DS's birthday - or what would have been his birthday, I release a helium balloon (alone). I'm going to get some memorial jewellery sooner or later. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

FrazzleRock Mon 27-Feb-17 15:34:34

monkeytree thank you so much for sharing that. It is overwhelmingly lonely. I am planning to go away for the day on my own when it is my beautiful baby's birthday on 24th Sept. I will also release a balloon and write a letter to her. I just wish so much that her daddy could be there with me. My heart breaks knowing no one cares about her except me.
No one to say goodbye to her. There was no funeral, no one to tell her they loved her, except me. I tell her in my mind every single day.

I'm still waiting to hear back from Mind. Is it normal for them to take nearly a week to respond?

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silkybear Mon 27-Feb-17 15:43:10

In my area there is something called pregnancy crisis care which is free councelling for baby loss, it might be worth seeing if this is something in your area too as they are specifically trained in this field. I used them and it was fantastic and helped me move on.

HeyRoly Mon 27-Feb-17 15:50:33

Do you think, maybe, that this incompatibility between you and your DP is a dealbreaker?

I've read so many of your threads and understand your all-consuming pain, I really do. What if you feel this yearning and resentment for the rest of your life? It will impact upon all of your relationships, not just between you and your DP.

One option is to end your relationship and seek out someone who does want a baby. I know it sounds glib, but I'm not sure this wedge between you and your DP is fixable.

HeyRoly Mon 27-Feb-17 15:52:11

Do you think, maybe, that this incompatibility between you and your DP is a dealbreaker?

I've read so many of your threads and understand your all-consuming pain, I really do. What if you feel this yearning and resentment for the rest of your life? It will impact upon all of your relationships, not just between you and your DP.

One option is to end your relationship and seek out someone who does want a baby. I know it sounds glib, but I'm not sure this wedge between you and your DP is fixable.

FrazzleRock Mon 27-Feb-17 16:03:28

Thanks you silkybear I have emailed them just now

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silkybear Tue 28-Feb-17 16:48:58

Did you hear anything back from that email? Hope you find someone who can help x

FrazzleRock Tue 28-Feb-17 18:24:42

I did, thank you. It was really helpful because, although they are not based anywhere near me, they pointed me in the direction of the Pregnancy Choices Directory and I found a support centre in London. So fingers crossed I might finally get some help
Thank you ever so much x

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silkybear Tue 28-Feb-17 20:42:02

No worries your post reminded me of when I lost my first pregnancy and that grief intensity that seems like it won't ever end. But it does. Good luck smile

KittyandTeal Wed 01-Mar-17 14:05:19

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Who is it who has decided not to try again?

We have dd1 who is 4. We lost dd2 at 22 weeks, and ds at 14 weeks. We, mainly I, have decided to stop trying.

Tbh I'm not ok with it, even though it is my choice and I know it's for the best. It has massively withheld my grieving, I'm almost holding back from accepting the loss of our ds because I also can't accept that it will only be the 3 of us.

I'm sorry I can't help but I wanted you to know you're not the only one feeling like that.

FrazzleRock Wed 01-Mar-17 15:09:41

Thanks Kitty I'm so sorry you've experienced such pain too flowers

It is DP who decided to stop.

It's so frustrating. I so want to make peace with this horrible dark cloud over my head. I'm so annoyed with myself for being affected by such normal every day things. Such as this morning I woke feeling kind of OK. I read something on DP's FB family chat on messenger and they were all talking about his step sister's maternity leave and telling her to enjoy the time etc... My chest immediately started burning up and went tight and a massive lump formed in my throat. It hurts so much I want to scream.

Why do I feel this way? It is horrid. I wish I could enjoy other people pregnancies. Because of the way I feel, DP's family think I'm nuts. Or "fucked up" in his dad's words. His step sister's husband has said I need to get over it eventually and I can't avoid them forever.
I'd have thought any rational compassionate human being would understand my pain and leave me to try and work though it without being made to feel like I'm mad and selfish. I've had pregnant friends who have totally had my back, told me to take my time and that they understand.
Why not them? Not having their (and DP's) understanding is really holding me back sad All I get is "don't talk about your baby at all as it will upset the pregnant one" My god, if I was lucky enough to be pregnant I'd be there with open arms to someone who has lost theirs. I'm pretty sure the same would apply for most kind and decent human beings. I certainly wouldn't cast them aside sad

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Lottapianos Wed 01-Mar-17 15:14:51

OP, I'm so very sorry for everything you have been through.

You said you have not had much luck with finding support groups which are helpful. There is a Google + community called Gateway Women which is for women who don't have children (for all sorts of reasons) and who are struggling with that (for all sorts of reasons). There are a few women on there who are still hopeful but most are learning to live without children and are at various stages of grieving. So many of those women will understand exactly how you feel. I have found it incredibly supportive and healing. I recommend it very highly.


moonfacebaby Wed 01-Mar-17 18:24:48

I think your DP & his family sound quite cruel, or at best, incredibly insensitive.

You don't have a timeframe with grief - it takes as long as it takes & it certainly isn't a linear process. I don't think people understand how devastating it can be to lose a baby & subsequently how hard it can be to be around pregnant women.

I remember my now exH getting irate with me for not wanting to go to my nieces birthday - she was turning one around the time our baby would have been due. This was my third miscarriage too & I just could not face it. I was in a dark place - I'd had 2 miscarriages within 4 months of each other & was awfully depressed.

Your DH needs to allow you time to grieve for your baby & grieve for you coming to terms with not trying again. There's an jumble of intense emotions to deal with there & only time will help you to come to terms with it. Extra pressure on you or making you feel ashamed isn't going to help.

I dealt with mine with lots of counselling and I did have to take anti-depressants for a year too. It's been over 6 years now & I am fine with it all. I very, very rarely feel sad about it, so it's possible that you will get to a point in the future where it gets a lot easier. You are in the awful stage & it's hard, painful & raw. I remember driving over a bridge when I was at this stage & just imagining turning the wheel & plummeting over the edge. I felt in so much pain.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time x

MaybeDoctor Fri 03-Mar-17 20:59:32

I found deleting all fertility related apps/emails etc quite helpful, along with trying to forget where I am in my cycle.

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