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Coping with husbands children after miscarriage

(15 Posts)
Helenq10 Sat 04-Feb-17 10:37:29

Am I a terrible person? At 10 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. This was at the beginning of the week. I was told my baby was dead and offered tablets to speed up the process of the miscarriage. I had to stay in hospital whilst this took place due to health complications. Unfortunately after 4 lots of tablets and three days my baby was still there and I had to have surgery. My partner has tried to comfort me but this is where I'm horrible. He has three children to his previous relationship. They are 9; 7; and 3. I have looked after them for the last 2 years as we have weekly access so I love them too. The problem is my partner wanted to bring them to the hospital to make me feel better. The thought of this sent me cold. I said it was too soon and this upset my partner. He said they were OUR children too but they're not. They're his. And to see him being a loving father to them will kill me. Will this feeling go away or will I resent my step children? I am a horrible human being. Lee has said he needs to be with them right now too which angered me and I told him he was selfish. Please help me somebody.

thetigerthatcamefortea Sat 04-Feb-17 10:51:33

Oh darling. Firstly I'm really sorry. I've been there and it's hard.
I think that you are well within your right to say no to the children visiting.
You can care for them and be fond of them as you obviously are. But you are right they are not you children and right now you need to be kind to your self and look after your own well being.
I also think that the children are quite young and hospitals are a fairly daunting place.
You can see them when you are home

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar Sat 04-Feb-17 10:57:29

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. You will heal with time but you need time to grieve. It is OK to want time to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be honest with your DP and tell him how upset you feel. If you try to ignore how you feel, it will come back to haunt you again. Everyone deals with things in a different way. Your DP may be struggling himself. In time, you will be able to cope with your loss but there are no shortcuts. It takes time. flowers

fuzzywuzzy Sat 04-Feb-17 11:00:19

So sorry for your loss Helen, try and take one day at a time it sounds like you've had a horrendous time of it. It's natural to want your partner with you at a time like this.

And your reaction to his dc coming to hospital is completely acceptable and understandable.

You're not a bad person. Go easy on yourself.

Helenq10 Sat 04-Feb-17 11:17:28

Thank you for your response. Its reassuring to know some people underdtand.

Helenq10 Sat 04-Feb-17 11:18:45

Thank you. Its good to know some people understand

user1483387154 Sat 04-Feb-17 11:19:14

So sorry for your loss. You are not a bad person in any way, you need time to grieve. I totally understand wanting a bit of time before you are with the children again.

Notagain2017 Sat 04-Feb-17 11:21:51

I don't think it would have been appropriate for them to visit you in hospital in the circumstances on any case. Maybe just say you're not up to visitors at the moment rather than make it sound personal.

HoobleDooble Sat 04-Feb-17 11:53:41

I am so sorry for your loss, been there myself and know how devastating it is.

Right now people need to follow your script of how you deal with your loss. Maybe say you don't want the children to see you upset, rather than that you don't want to see them.

It will take time, but it will get easier to live with. flowersflowers

Mrsp0206 Sat 04-Feb-17 21:34:55

I can totally empathise with u, it's been 4 weeks since my mmc, an I'm still struggling to be around my step children same ages as yours, I'm running out of excuses to be somewhere else when they are here. I love them to bits but need to deal with my emotions and need to be selfish right now.

The only person u need to think about right now is dx

Mrsp0206 Sat 04-Feb-17 21:36:09

Sorry, that should of said the only person u need to think about is you right now

KittyConCarne Sat 04-Feb-17 22:16:36

I am so sorry for your loss- you must be heartbroken, and you need to be really kind to yourself flowers

DP and I lost our first pregnancy 3 years into our relationship, and I initially did find it so hard to be around my 3 stepchildren (4, 6 & 8 at the time). We held our middle SDD's birthday party at home just 8 days after, and it was so difficult to be my normal bouncy self, leading party games, whilst being surrounded by my SDC/ their friends/ parents & toddlers. I too found it so hard to see my DP being a wonderful father- like a constant reminder of what could have been.

I did become deeply depressed, but being able to talk openly to my DP about my feelings and emotions was essential- we both had to acknowledge and grieve for our loss together, but he also had to be aware of my half irrational/ half completely normal feelings of pain towards being around the SDC. Being honest with him about how I was feeling was the best thing I did, as it meant he tried hard to give me space away from the SDC, or checked if I was ok/ up for joining in with plans with them.

However, time is a great healer, and within a few months I was lucky enough to start feeling that dark cloud lift, and I know that it was actually greatly in part due to my SDC. Their unconditional love, wonder at the small things in life, their constant presence and need for normality and routine, spending time laughing at their antics or moaning at their behaviour helped keep me grounded, forced me to carry on with life, and made me cherish them all the more.

They're dramatic and irritating teenagers now, and they'll never know how much they healed me all those years ago, but I feel so lucky that they unwittingly helped me through that time.

Talk to your partner, tell him exactly how you're feeling, ask him for his help in shielding not only your SDC from your grief, but also to shield you from having to deal with too much daily interaction too soon- in time I'm sure your feelings of pain will lesson, and life with your SDC will become easier and happier again.

It just takes time and talking- make sure you give yourself that flowers

Helenq10 Sat 04-Feb-17 22:24:38

Thank you so much this helped

Helenq10 Sat 04-Feb-17 22:28:06

Oh im sorry you r going through this too. Its horrible. He doesnt get it at all. He keeps telling me that the kids just want to hug me and it will make it better but i cant right now

Waterfeature Sat 04-Feb-17 22:31:41

I don't have stepchildren, just my own children, and I wouldn't have wanted them to visit me in hospital. I can't really cope with having to comfort them either. I just want to go into my sad cave...

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