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DH angry I'm not working after loss

(20 Posts)
leighdinglady Tue 24-Jan-17 14:33:46

At the start of January we had our 12 week scan. We were immediately ushered up to a special room and told something was wrong. The following day we had a CVS test and the following week we received the devastating diagnosis that our baby had Edwards Syndrome and wouldn't survive. We made the horrible decision not to wait for a still birth, but to have a termination at 14 weeks before the baby could develop further. That was 5 days ago.

We tried for so long to get pregnant that the termination broke my heart. It still does.

DH (although not very D right now) had been struggling with this too. We're both having waves of upset. His way of dealing with it is to pretend it's not happened and to carry on as normal. The termination was on Friday and he was back in work on Monday. It's not Tuesday and I've not gone back. I don't think IBU given its only been 5 few days and I'm still heartbroken let alone bleeding FFS. He's digging at me. Making comments that I should be working and obviously resenting me bring off. Does he not understand our baby died?!! I understand his going back to work is his way of coping, but piss off and leave me alone. I wasn't planning on taking too long off work, I thought a week was reasonable and not lazy though????

Soubriquet Tue 24-Jan-17 14:35:47

Take as long as you need and as long as work will allow

Your 'd'h is being completely knob. Just because he can shrug it off doesn't mean everyone can

Ignore him OP

Take care ignore yourself right now as you are the only one who matters

coffeetasteslikeshit Tue 24-Jan-17 14:38:13

I'm sorry for your loss OP and agree that your H is being a knob.

A week off sounds like a good plan. flowers

OliviaStabler Tue 24-Jan-17 14:40:10

I'd interpret his actions as someone who is suffering an awful loss but can't bear to see others the same way. Makes it real and acknowledges it happened. Easier for that person for you to go back to work so he can go back to work and not think about your loss.


xStefx Tue 24-Jan-17 14:40:19

Im so sorry, I know a little about Edwards syndrome (are you on the HER website?) as a lady recently posted about her baby being diagnosed with this and its heartbreaking.

Your Dh is being unbelievably unreasonable, I had a miscarriage and had 2 weeks off (more for my mental state rather than physical)
Perhaps the way he has reacted has shown he is not the supportive husband you should have or thought he was. Tell him how disappointed you are in him.

Im so s sorry, I know this doesn't help but its not something you have done Edwards syndrome is random. Take as long as you need off , you deserve more support than this.

Tollygunge Tue 24-Jan-17 14:43:55

I've been in this situation twice.

First time was a termination at 16 weeks for a congenital abnormality. After that I had 2 weeks off, and probably should have had more. I was bleeding heavily, leaking milk and having night sweats. It was horrific. The 2nd time my waters suddenly broke at 17 weeks. Again, I had a fortnight off. Even if I'd been fine emotionally, physically I'd have struggled to go to work. It's awful, take as long as you need. Xx.

pastabest Tue 24-Jan-17 14:50:41

I experienced a loss this time last year. DP cried just once when we got back in the car after the scan, but after that pretty much went back to normal. He even went back to work that afternoon (self employed) and got cross with me when I still wasn't 'moving on' a few weeks later. He very much saw it as 'one of those things' rather than something to dwell on.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it all, part of me will never forgive him for how he reacted during that time even though I am completely fine about the loss itself now (time and another pregnancy have helped a lot). I have accepted to an extent that is just who he is, and this was his way of dealing with it.

I suppose I'm just trying to say I know how you feel, I felt so utterly lonely for the weeks and months afterwards and just talking about it on MN helped a lot.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 24-Jan-17 14:57:27

Leigh so so sorry for your loss.

I think we all handle loss differently after I miscarried I took two weeks off, I needed to mentally and emotionally I kept bursting into tears randomly.

DP went straight back to work, he did cry and hurt just as much but he accepted I needed to physically and emotionally recover. He was very supportive.

You need to talk to eachother tell your DH it will take you whatever time it takes to get back on your feet and he needs to support you thro this.

Take as long as you need to recover and rally around friends and family if you want them for support.

leighdinglady Tue 24-Jan-17 15:20:25

Thank you everyone. DH is really upset and struggling himself but he obviously thinks denial is an easier way to cope. That's fine. For him. It's not fine for me. My being upset is obviously forcing reality on him which he doesn't want to face - hence the anger. I think it's bizarre that he can go straight back to work the next day and he thinks I'm whallowing in it. I think he's angry with the situation and that he can't fix it so chooses to just blank it out.

BiddyPop Tue 24-Jan-17 16:00:36

Whatever about blocking it out and just carrying on, as DH's way of dealing with the terrible situation you are both faced

YOU have had to undergo a medical procedure, you are suffering the aftermath, and I suspect you have probably been medically signed off for at least a few days to recover.

It's not all about being mentally ready to "pick up and carry on", which, without trying to sound harsh, is all that he has to do. You not only have to do that but also physically recover from the aftermath of the pregnancy and termination. That's not to say that you are wallowing in it, but you literally do need some time to recover medically, as well as probably a lot longer to come to terms with it - although that latter part may suit you to be back at work or to have some longer time off.

Everyone deals with grief differently.

But you, as the woman, have to deal with medical recovery as well.

Take the few days. Don't rush. Don't wallow (and I really hope that my wording doesn't offend, it is meant supportively) - but take the time you need and then come back to the support of friends and others who can help you to comprehend what has happened and deal with it (not locking yourself away long term - that's what I mean, even if it's really badly expressed).

Helbelle75 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:06:55

So sorry flowers
Take your time and deal with it the way that is best for you. I agree with PP, it's not just an emotional loss but a physical one as well.
I had a MMC at 11.5 weeks and it knocked me for 6. I was off work for a month (I work with children, so found it impossible to be near them) and had bereavement counselling, which was very helpful.
My DH just got on with it, but he supported me fully. He said he didn't feel he could break down because I needed him to be strong.
I found select friends to be incredibly supportive, and talking about it with others helped, but do whatever feels best for you.

Lazybeans50 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:16:21

When I saw the title I thought you were going to you'd been off for weeks or months not days. You need at least a week to recover physically. Emotionally is much harder to say because it's very personal. Your DH has a different way of dealing with it which is ok but he needs to respect there is also a physical aspect associated with your recovery as well as a different need emotionally.

leighdinglady Tue 24-Jan-17 16:30:01

Thank you. You've really helped. I'm so angry at him judging me for not behaving in the way he wants me to. Next time I talk to him I'll empathise that I have psychical reminders of what's happened (blood, fading pregnancy symptoms which is upsetting to watch go) plus hormones. So he can take his judgement and shove it up his...

Or something more mature! Thank you

SloanePeterson Tue 24-Jan-17 16:41:50

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks 4 months ago and in all honesty it's only in the last few weeks I've started to feel anywhere near better, not emotionally but physically. I've had horrendous, constant bleeding and fatigue. I don't work as I'm a full time carer to our ds with additional needs but I'd have been totally useless if I had to be at work, I was physically exhausted just walking to the shops (I had a large blood transfusion after complications so I fully expect that, physically at least, your recovery will be much quicker x) it all happened very suddenly for us and tbh dh was going through the motions but riding a wave of shock. He seemed fine for about a week and then came home from work in the middle of the day and just sobbed sad your dh is trying to deal with this in his own way. I found it drove something of a wedge between us if I'm honest as I do think I had an element of suffering badly from trauma immediately afterwards and I was the one who couldn't really talk about it. We've still lot really talked about it in any meaningful way. So my advice would be to try and talk if you're at all able to. I wish I'd been able to. The early days and weeks afterwards I just felt so delicate and I hated it. Be kind to yourself and do as much or as little as you feel you can. I tried to get on with things and do too much afterwards and actually I should have taken it easy for a few weeks at least.

kittybiscuits Tue 24-Jan-17 16:44:18

flowers so sorry for you. That's awful behaviour from your H.

Purplefrogshoes Tue 24-Jan-17 22:33:20

I'm so sorry flowers I was off work for months after a mmc at 13 weeks. I think you should stay off for as long as you feel you need

smellsofelderberries Wed 25-Jan-17 05:14:37

You really need to explain to your husband that he needs to give you the space to deal with this how you want to deal with. He doesn't feel the same about the loss, and that okay, but he does need to support you in your grief. When I had to have surgery for a MMC last January, my husband and I felt with it very differently. I accepted that it was okay for him to boot be as upset as I was, but the difference was that he supported me, both physically and emotionally, and let me grieve how I needed to.

I decided I couldn't continue to work full time in my role as a nanny, and he supported me becoming a contractor and work as much or as little as I wanted. Because that is what spouses do.

leighdinglady Wed 25-Jan-17 12:27:26

He is just as upset as me. He has been crying and struggling too. He just deals with it by trying to carry on as much as normal. A sort of denial I guess. He apologised last night and said he just thought work would make me feel better and give me something else to think about. I think he's just made an error in judgement in expecting me to behaviour in the exact way he does. He says he will respect my way of coping and not mention it again. (I'll be back in work next week)

sherbetpips Wed 25-Jan-17 12:38:41

Please be kind to him as well as you, this is just his way of dealing with this awful situation, try not to rise to it - he is not a knob he is hurting as much as you (although of course not physically) talk to him like an adult about how you are feeling and when you plan to return to work rather than letting the little comments get you down.

DidILeaveTheGasOn Wed 25-Jan-17 12:45:08

It's not little comments sherbet and he is not the priority here. They both are, but she is the highest priority as she has suffered physically as well as emotionally. Just wanted to say that. I don't think anyone needs to tell the op to be kind to her husband who has been angry at her not immediately recovering from something enormously affecting and traumatic.

Op lots of love and support to you. I am so sorry this has happened. All the best for the future

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