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Staying positive after a miscarriage

(18 Posts)
looking4hope Tue 17-Jan-17 18:51:29

Hi all,

I've recently had a natural miscarriage, at 10 weeks (first pregnancy, baby measured 10+2; strong heartbeat at 9+5, when it was described as 'perfect'...) and I wrote two epic posts (background + practical stuff) for those who're going through something similar and don't know what to expect here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/2825366-A-10w-natural-miscarriage-story.

I know there's a 'Staying posifrickentive' for ladies who had a miscarriage and are now pregnant, but I haven't seen a similar one for those who've just miscarried or are currently TTC after a miscarriage. I'd love to be able to chat to ladies who've gone through this. The reason? I've only told a handful of people about my miscarriage and I just feel that nobody understands how I feel.

Today was my first day at work after being off for nearly two weeks. And it was bloody hard. I tried to keep a brave face, but it all went downhill when my manager hugged me during our meeting (he knows about it). I then told two colleagues whom I'm really close to. The first, a few years older than me, was really nice about it and we cried and hugged a lot as she remembered the pain she was going through after her mother died. The talk with the other, a bit younger than me, was just weird. So 'clinical' and cold. "Yes, it happens to a lot of women. That's why you should never get attached before the 12-week scan, it's a potential foetus, not 'your baby'."

But it WAS a baby. It was MY baby and I loved him to bits (for some reason I'm convinced it was a boy). His nickname was Poppyseed and both me and DP used to talk to him, telling him about our day, how much we loved him and how happy we were after we saw him dancing in mummy's belly and heard his heartbeat.

The emotional pain is coming in waves... some days I'm almost fine, others I'm a complete mess. There are so many pregnant ladies at work that today I just felt like leaving the office and going home. I'm trying to be strong, but the pain is too much. Physically, I'm almost recovered. Emotionally, I'm really struggling.

Will it ever get easier? I surely hope so because it feels like someone's squeezing my heart really hard and refusing to let go. I feel empty and nobody truly understands it. I have an amazingly supportive DP and wonderful parents, but no matter what they do the pain is still there.

Sorry for yet another long post, just hoping that writing this will be somewhat therapeutic and it might help someone who's feeling as hopeless as I do.

Be kind to yourselves.

emily86 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:09:37

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is such an emotional roller coaster and some people will make unhelpful comments along the way. It was your baby and there were many hopes and dreams that came with that positive test.

Anyway I wanted to say come join us over on the TTC after miscarriage thread on the conception board. I would do a link but I don't know how confused! There's lots of us there who know what you're going through and are supporting each other through the roller coaster of it all.

looking4hope Tue 17-Jan-17 20:03:49

Hi emily86! Thank you so much for replying. I haven't thought about the TTC thread because it's been less than 2 weeks since my miscarriage and I won't be TTC for a while. But I'll join you there, it would definitely be good to 'meet' all the strong ladies who've been through this. Thanks again! flowers

88claire Tue 17-Jan-17 21:10:00

Looking4hope

I miscarried on Friday. It's still very raw but I'm getting there. Fortunately I've got a friend who has had 4 miscarriages so meeting her for lunch tomorrow.

I really hope things go positively for you soon!

emily86 Tue 17-Jan-17 22:04:12

There's a fair few of us on there at the moment who aren't actively TTC for various reasons so please don't feel you have to wait until you are to join.

MulderitsmeX Thu 19-Jan-17 10:41:30

Looking - sorry for your loss, it's true it is a baby and people who don't understand that are just insensitive twats. I like poppyseed, we called ours peppercorn (now renamed peppercorn #1).

I'm one week post MMC and the worst part for me now is waiting for my next period, i just want to be back on the TTC bus asap. I also like the idea of getting a pet, something to cuddle and play with and to holistically heal. I'm thinking something small like a Guinea pig, have you though of that?

A positive thing to think is that although the odds of having a MC are fairly high, the odds of having two or more are pretty low so hopefully now luck will be on our side.

looking4hope Fri 20-Jan-17 08:14:57

Hi all, thank you so much for all the replies and sorry I've been quiet for a while.

88claire we've already been chatting on the other thread. So sorry to hear about your recent loss. I lost mine 2 weeks ago and it does get better. You never forget, but you learn how to cope with it all and look at the positives in your life. Hope the lunch with your friend helped, you're lucky to have someone to talk to in RL.

emily86 sorry you've had a rough time recently, I really hope that things get better for you soon. We'll be there if you need someone to talk to. I feel so much better after I've joined that thread, thank you so much for the warm welcome.

MulderitsmeX So sorry about your loss, giving you a big hug! I'm also waiting for my AF, trying to be patient. I had a natural miscarriage, so things might take a while for me.

I decided to get myself into the best shape possible - in terms of diet, exercising, positive mindset etc. It gives me something to focus on and hopefully creates a healthier, cosy oven for my future bun.

Getting a small pet sounds like a lovely idea! I might give it a try in the near future, for now I'm focusing on getting better, both physically and mentally.

Do join us on the other thread (http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2801459-TTC-after-miscarriage-thread-7), all the ladies there are so nice and supportive! We've all been through a lot and it feels good to be able to talk to someone who understands what you're going through. Here's to a BFP-filled 2017!

Nadines1987 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:11:59

Hi how do I get on to the TTC thread? I miscarried in December at 8 weeks and 2 weeks ago we started to try again. I know it seems quick but we were so excited about first pregnancy we are desperate to get pregnant again. Today I came on my period and don't know how to react. I'm full of mixed emotions after it happening as it is and today as now knocked me for six constantly thinking the worse! It's my first time posting on forums and I'm finding some comfort reading through everyone's post. None of my friends or family have been through this so hard to talk to people!xx

looking4hope Sat 21-Jan-17 21:51:07

Hi Nadines1987, so sorry for your loss. Just follow that link and introduce yourself, everyone is really nice. Feel free to post any questions, worries or rants - we've all been through this and although we don't have all the answers, we're good listeners. So is this your first period after the MC? Sending you big hugs!

Nadines1987 Sat 21-Jan-17 22:02:13

Thanks so much for your reply! What link? I can't find it! Yeah my first one we weren't expecting it to happen so feeling all mixed emotions all over again!xx

looking4hope Sat 21-Jan-17 22:44:28

This is the link: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2801459-TTC-after-miscarriage-thread-7. Unfortunately mixed emotions are inevitable. Just try to stay positive! xx

dreadsforever1 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:58:33

hi, looking4hope, I m/c last august and still get very sad and teary when I think about it....which is at least several times a week! I don't think the sadness ever goes away. Doesn't help that it feels like everywhere I look I see pregnant women! In the past few months I've found out 4 friends/colleagues are at different stages of pregnancy which is very hard. Every month when I start my period I have a few days of feeling very sad and emotional, especially when we're trying during my fertile days and it's just not working. It's funny, you spend your 20s and early 30s trying so hard to not get pregnant, or I did!, and then when you want to, it just doesn't happen! I'm 44 this year, so I'm coming to terms my eggs may well have depleted, I think if we don't conceive by the end of the year, we may look into adoption which we've already mentioned to each other. We're extremely blessed to already have a 3 year old, and I just want him to have a sibling but I never thought it would ever be this hard to conceive. I wish you every luck in conceiving x

Vinnieboy21 Sat 28-Jan-17 19:11:30

Hi guys, new to this site. I'm hoping to hear from ladies that are or have gone through what I have. It all started in 2015, I fell pregnant with my fourth child, I already have three children 8, 5 and 4. When getting pregnant with my fourth child, little boy named Vinnie, I was so happy, I had never had any problems prior to Vinnie, everything was normal right up to my 28th week pregnant when I went for a routine scan to find out my boy had hydrops and wouldn't survive, my world came crashing down, that day to hospital sent me home to basically wait for my 28week son to pass away. I thought I was in a horrible night mare, we got home and it felt so wrong waiting for him to die when I could still feel him kicking mummy's tummy, so late that night we went to the hospital and demanded a c section to try and give him a chance to survive, they told me as soon has he came out he would die, that was a chance I need to take, my boy survived 18 days till he just couldn't be strong anymore. That was the worst day of my life. I got pregnant again that year ( not planned) and carried another little boy right up to 20 weeks pregnant, went for my 20week scan to find his heart had stopped beating at 19 weeks, the following day I gave birth to him. Again I just couldn't believe this could happen to me after loosing my son Vinnie at 18 days old. I thought after my two beautiful boys it would put me off wanting to get pregnant again, but it made me want another so bad. A year passed and I was ready to try again, I did and I got pregnant with a little girl named Bridget, everything was normal right up to again my 20 week scan, when the doctor told me her heart had stopped beating at 18 weeks. My all life came crashing down, the following day I gave birth to my little princess Bridget, she was so small with the cutest nose. I've been reading a lot of forums and how aspirin is helping a lot of women from miscarriaging, I started taking aspirin two weeks ago, I became pregnant instantly, I am doing nothing but worry and how this pregnancy will go. Has anyone else had a healthy child after numerous of miscarriages xxxx

TurquoiseDress Sat 28-Jan-17 20:11:22

Hi OP

So sorry to hear about what you have been through.

I had a similar experience last summer- was 13 weeks, found out at my dating scan, baby stopped developing around 8 weeks sad

Had medical management which was long & drawn out, didn't have the actual "event" until about 10 days later, was nearly 15 weeks which explains why there was so much that came out...not "just like a heavy period" as they told me in the EPU!

We've been trying for over 6 months now, it's baby no.2 and it all feels like it's never going to happen again sad

You're right about there not being too many threads for us, but there is the one that I think you have linked above.
Lots of threads about being pregnant again after miscarriage though...I just need to get pregnant again!

Good luck to us all

Kmniffler16 Sun 29-Jan-17 14:54:32

Hello all,

Firstly I'm so sorry for everyone's losses.

I suffered a miscarriage 7 weeks ago, I was 6 weeks. It was hard enough to deal with the miscarriage as it was my first pregnancy but now 7 weeks down the line I have found out his mum has said she's glad I miscarried because she wants no ties to me. Now we used to get on but arguments happened as she has done this with his girlfriends before (doesn't like any girl he has had but I'm still here 2 years on) me but no matter how much you dislike someone you don't ever say something so evil especially as she knows I lost my niece at 7 weeks old and that's still fresh. I'm just really struggling with it ladies because he doesn't want to lose his mum and fall out but I feel like she's getting away with saying this about our baby it's disgusting and to me this is unforgivable and I'm constantly upset and angry sad advise please x

MouseLove Thu 02-Feb-17 13:11:16

I am miscarrying my first baby, found out today that there is no longer a heartbeat. I'm 9+3. I'm trying to stay positive and at the moment feel ok. I'm sure it will hit me later. Baby measured only 6+3 and we previously saw a heartbeat. I'm just waiting to see if my HCG has dropped to discuss how to manage the loss. X

looking4hope Sat 04-Feb-17 18:02:19

Hi dreadsforever1, sorry I haven't replied until now. I just needed some time to recover, both physically and emotionally. So sorry for your loss! No matter if it's your first pregnancy or not, it still hurts so much... You're right, the sadness never goes away. It's been one month since we found out our baby had no heartbeat and I still feel empty. Seeing pregnant women everywhere makes all this so much more difficult. I really do hope you get some good news soon, you deserve it! Fingers crossed for you and all the lovely ladies on Mumsnet who are waiting for their rainbow babies flowers

looking4hope Sat 04-Feb-17 18:06:05

TurquoiseDress, so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately nobody really prepares you for it, I find it quite traumatic to be honest. Best of luck in your TTC journey, I do hope you get pregnant soon! In the meantime, take care of yourself and do things that make you happy.

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