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Clinging to hope that fades quicker everytime

(6 Posts)
Millie2534 Sun 08-Jan-17 13:30:19

I am on my 5th pregnancy and so far have had 4 miscarriages in the past 3 years. After my third I was referred to the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic to investigate which has been great but it's a double edged sword...the tests say there's nothing wrong with either of us, we're both fit and healthy just unlucky (which stings a little every time someone says it!)

Our first miscarriage was suspected eptopic but came away naturally and was so quick after we started trying we didn't really takes in. 6 months later we conceived again and were over the moon, I was full of symptoms and my fiancé ( at the time, we're now married) was hilarious to watch, he was almost giddy! The wedding was all book so with some jigging around we moved it forward and were excited about the first scan. Then the day came, 3 days before Christmas and we discovered the fetius had stopped growing at 6 weeks and I was going to miscarry. It took 9 weeks to finally miscarry which was the day after our wedding day.

We took a break and started trying again 3-4 months later and in November 2015 fell pregnant again but miscarried at 6 weeks but without much drama this time. I had been going to the doctors to even tell them I was pregnant but a friend insisted I go and talk to them so I did and they referred me to the recurrent miscarriage clinic, which was actually reassuring because I didn't have to keep doing this alone.

So we went and opted for every test they offered right down to chromosome testing because we just wanted to know if the heartache would every be worth it. All of the tests came back fine with a slight negative on my nuclear cells but our consultant didn't think it was enough to worry so gave a prescription of folic acid and proestrogen to start as soon as we became pregnant again. Which we did in May 2016, I started then straight away with hope in my heart that this was it but at 6 weeks exactly the cramping and bleeding started again.

The forth miscarriage hit really hard, I was so emotional and broken by the whole thing I wasn't sure I wanted to even try anymore because you feel like such a useless person not being able to do the one thing a women should be able to do.

After a few months I recouped and after another meeting at the recurrent miscarriage clinic we decided to try again. This time they had prescribed folic acid, proestrogen, steroids and a blood thining injection as they think my body is rejecting the fetius as its a foriegn body and this is why '6 weeks' is a recurring issue for me. So we tried again.

Here I am, not 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant and have just discovered a brown discharge which is all too familiar. My heart is sinking by the minute and as much as I want to believe it's going to be ok...I have an awful feeling.

Sorry for the essay but we've stopped announcing pregnancy to anyone and I'm not sure I can do this alone again.

SammyL100 Sun 08-Jan-17 15:47:46

Sorry to hear about your losses.
Hoping that this currently is not what you think it may be.

I think you have been brave and you are under the best care, getting the best possible treatment, you have done everything you can. So please please be kind to yourself.

I am struggling with a mmc, first pregnancy, so I know the pain of mc. But keeping my fingers crossed and sending you hugs. flowers

Millie2534 Sun 08-Jan-17 16:57:55

Thank you SammyL100. That's really kind of you.

It's a thing miscarriage, so many people don't talk about it and the few people I have spoken to either haven't experienced it and say things like 'at least you know you can conceive' or 'maybe next time' and they don't really understand the pain and self doubt that comes with it.

I hope you're ok, I tried 2 mmc with my second miscarriage and I just wishes natural would take control if that's what was meant to be and in the end it did.

Big hugs 💕

SammyL100 Sun 08-Jan-17 18:09:54

I went back to work last week and randomly started crying (when I am certainly not a crier)! But emotions overcame me.

Some people treat mc as a secret that we must not talk about, part of me wanted to tell everyone so they knew what impact mc has on a person and that it was nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. But I too kept it quiet.

The self doubt is crippling me at the moment. Will I ever have kids? Why did I leave it this late to ttc? My DP could meet another woman and have no problems, why is he with me? These have swirled in my head. I suppose this is normal.

I think you have been so strong. I have only had one mc and I am all over the place, thinking I should give up. Your resilience and strength really comes through.

PenguinsandPebbles Sun 08-Jan-17 18:28:16

I've tried to write something about six times x

I've had seven miscarriages so understand what you must be feeling, it's tough so very very tough.

I really hope it is not happening again for you, if it is please understand this is not your fault x all you can do is be kind to yourself and forgive those around you who just do not understand. Because nobody talks about it, it's not even shown on TV really they can't understand unless it happens to them - nobody really gets it and they don't know what to say to help

Your doing everything you can flowers I would strongly recommend if you are not already, and even if all is ok that you have some counselling it's the thing that has saved me 100% and I know when I become pregnant again and hopefully that will be the one that sticks I will need that to get me through.

But please know your not alone x and many many woman have multiple miscarriages and go on to have babies so i tell myself that all this heartache will eventually result in a very special little human

Doughnutsandrainbows Mon 16-Jan-17 23:19:16

Hi Millie,

I really hope you're doing ok.
I'm pretty much in the same boat... all tests ok, with nothing to be prescribed. Am currently on the 5th at 7 weeks and bleeding and it is crap.
I can't offer words of advice, but just wanted to lend an ear should you need it.

Xx

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