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Christmas and thinking about what I've lost

(10 Posts)
eckythumpenallthat Sat 24-Dec-16 18:26:44

This year has been utter utter arse, I'm just not feeling Christmas this year, I've got my stage face on (which I've nailed to a fine art this year) for the sake of dd but I'm on the verge of tears and ruining it for her. This year I've had a misscarriage, an ectopic, nearly lost my job but ended up going through a last minute stressful TUPE to another organisation and the final nail in the coffin is DH has announced he doesn't want any more children and I really really do. To rub salt in the wounds BIL and his partner have a 3 month old which is how old my Misscarriage baby would be right now. I've never felt ready to meet my nephew (not close with BIL tbh) and did last week without warning and I just couldn't deal with it and bolted. ATM I can't help but think about what I've not got rather than what I have. I don't even know what I want out of a post like this but I just need to get this out cos I don't feel like I can talk about it at home anymore cos it just ends up in an arguement and me feeling worse than I already do.

MuppetsChristmasCarol Sat 24-Dec-16 18:36:40

Oh, ecky. sad I hope 2017 is a much better one for you.

Struay0verthesea Sat 24-Dec-16 22:35:10

ecky, sorry, it's shit isn't it. At least you managed your stage face. I didn't. I cried on and off a lot today and none of my family seem to think it's anything more than "exhaustion". No-one has mentioned my miscarriage. DH did but only in response to me bringing up a news story of a miscarriage. That poor couple.
flowers for us. Like you I already have DC. It doesn't soften the blow.
I hope I can have my stage face on tomorrow and I hope I will at some point feel really happy, for I do recognise I am blessed with what I have already, it's just that we are missing someone.

flapjackfairy Sat 24-Dec-16 22:41:34

Ecky and struay so sorry to hear of your losses. I had 3 over the years and it is so v hard esp as lots of people dont realise how big a loss it is!
I hope and pray that next year is better for you both xxx

Struay0verthesea Sat 24-Dec-16 22:49:05

flapjack thanks. Sorry for your three losses. It is just the strangest loss as it isn't widely talked about, which seems to me (I'm three months down the line) that it is making it harder for me to process as it is only DH and myself who ever talk about it.
I have talked to a few close friends but they just talk about conceiving again and how that helped. I'm stuck though as I think this may be us finished, this miscarriage has challenged us so much, realised we are not young anymore (40s) and I'm not sure I have the reserves to go through it again. Then when I think about that I feel like I am "tainting" the memory of our baby who should have been born in spring.

MouseLove Sat 24-Dec-16 22:50:33

Sorry you've had a shit year. But you DO have so much to enjoy. I've had a shit year too and I want 2017 to bring a first baby sooooo much but I'm so thankful for everything I have.

I think at times like these we often feel sorry for ourselves, but remember this, you've been through a lot, and there's a lot still left to push through. But you will cope. You will get to where you need to get to.

Sending Christmas hugs, it's ok to feel how you feel, and I'm sure your DH may eventually come around to having more children, but you need to remember he watched you go through these losses and at times he may have felt so overwhelmingly helpless and scared to loose you too. He's grieving too.

Have a lovely day tomorrow, remember how lucky you are. X

SaigonSaigon Sat 24-Dec-16 23:09:03

I'm sorry OP. I'm sure you are being very strong. People don't realise how hard miscarriage is, especially on top of how hard life can be anyway. Christmas exacerbates it all, I know. I had a miscarriage 3 wks ago, my 3rd loss in 2 yrs. And each one at this time of year. This time, I'm far more ground down by it so I'm trying to be kind to myself. I have a DS so focussing on him. It's hard, I'm struggling to feel Christmassy but I tell myself it's hardly surprising. I hope 2017 is kinder to you.

emily86 Sat 24-Dec-16 23:32:14

So sorry for all of your losses.

I too am struggling to put my game face on. I had my 3rd MC 2 and a half weeks ago. I don't have any DC. I know I'm being really sour at times. I'm hoping I'm getting away with it because I generally have quite a dry, sarcastic sense of humour.

2016 can just feck off. It has started and ended with a miscarriage. 2017 will start with a trip to recurrent miscarriage clinic so we shall see what that brings.

I think we all just need to be kind to ourselves and not expect too much.

flossie79 Sun 25-Dec-16 22:26:14

I'm so sorry to everyone that is going through the same thing because it is just totally shit.

This is my first mc 2 and a half weeks ago and have no other children and I really hoped at Christmas we'd just have announced it to people and I'd be spending today happy and excited. Yesterday felt awful and had a mini meltdown and didn't want to do Christmas at all. I rallied a bit today but now just feeling a bit weepy again. I don't think social media is helping either especially seeing all those with their new babies at this time of year.

Not entirely sure where I'm going with this, think I just need to vent a bit.

New year, new start next week and fingers crossed 2017 is better for all of us.

Hugs to all xxx

Thingymaboob Mon 26-Dec-16 12:25:13

Oh god. Same here. Miscarried 2 months ago. Went out for dinner with my husbands family 2 nights ago and my sister IL wasn't drinking and was acting weird. I asked MIL who was very vague and didn't confirm or deny. I lost the plot. Hysterical crying. I'm so pleased for them - they have been trying for a year and had a MC scare. I didn't know any of this at the time. I wish they'd have been honest. I apologised to SIL twice and explained my reaction to her but I've had no reply and now got to have sit down xmas dinner with them all. DH is between a rock and hard place but he has told me I need to apologise again as I overreacted, even though I've already apologised twice.

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